Where do I stand if my H walks out?

[Anne22]

Hi

This is my second post - I would be really grateful if anyone could let me know from their experience where I would stand if my H decided to walk out on me and the kids?

I am at home with them and also run a small part time business!

I have no real income and he has a large income with pensions etc! IE we are totally financially dependant on him!!

Any help would be greatly appreciated!! It hasnt happened yet but need to know where I stand just in case!:cool:

Thanks

[Annie2]

Anne,
I am sooooo proud of you. Sorry just replying but with no weighty advice! You really are getting tough and realistic and prepared. My only experience of this is the raised eyebrows on my solicitor when I told her my husband had walked out. Also the fact he didn't wear his wedding ring seemed to count and the fact I had it and not him. I'm not sure but I think it puts him up **** creak! Whatever the legal bit comes down to it shows he is the one abandoning wife and children, I think. My solicitor advised me to keep a complete diary of every little thing, you just never know when you might need it.
Why don't you get some legal advice, even citizens advice. It will cover all your thoughts and worries in that department.

Right I'll get off now and hope some more educated person will advise you!
Big kisses,
Annie xx

[Helen]

Anne,

From what I have read of your situation, your kids are still very young (I think - I can't remember how old they are!). In terms of your husband's liabilities, he would be liable for at least half the mortgage (possibly more if you can prove he is paying more at the moment); half the buildings insurance, child support for your kids and alimony for you while you are raising them. He would also be liable for at least half of all joint debts (more if you can prove he is paying more at the moment).

Since the house you live in is the marital home, you have the right to live there with the kids until the youngest is 19 or finishes full time education and your husband would have to pay an equitable share of the mortgage while this is the case. This goes up to when your youngest child finishes university. Your husband would still be liable to support your kids while they go through uni and he would have to pay a share of the tuition and any living costs they have outside home (there may be a compensatory reduction in child support while they are away at uni and your kids may be able to fund the rest through student Grants, which are not normally repayable).

Once the kids finish education, your husband would have the right to demand that the marital home is either sold and he gets his cut or you buy him out.

If you divorce, in addition to the above, you also have the right to demand either a significant share of his pension (up to 50%) or a large reduction of his equity in the marital home once the kids finish uni. You could still do this even if he continues to pay a large chunk of the household costs while you and the kids live there. If I were you (and I am not telling you to do this) I would make the latter demand and sort out a pension for myself. But I would seek legal advice before doing anything.

As to what else you might be entitled to, if you live in the UK you would be entitled to Child Tax Credits, a 25% reduction in your Council Tax and, possibly, Working Families Tax Credits.

Do seek legal advice. I work in the welfare system (policy area) so I know a bit about these things but I am no lawyer. If push comes to shove, arm yourself with knowledge now (secretly) so that your husband cannot take advantage should you decide that you really cannot live with the situation you are in any more.

Take care,


Helen

[callow]

Hi Anne

I am sorry that it has to come down to this, but you need to do the best for yourself.

If you are in the UK.

If you have children you can claim tax credit if you work over 16 hours a week. Any maintenance you receive will be yours to keep and you don't need to declare it.

I am self employed with 2 kids and as long as I work for over 16 hours (this can include office work, looking for customers, deliveries etc) I can claim child tax and working tax credit. As I don't earn much I (hopefully) will get the full amount which is around £7000 a year.

This is a good site to see all your entitlements http://www.entitledto.co.uk/

My husband and I sold our family house and he gave me all the equity so I was able to buy a house with no mortgage. I don't know if this is possibility for you to downsize. Part of our agreement (personal not legal) was that he give me all the equity but I don't claim his pension. When the kids are gown up I can downsize further and get some money. Nothing has been legally decided yet. It will depend on your circumstances.

All the best with a difficult situation.

Sally

[Anne22]

Hi

Thanks for your help everyone.

I havent decided yet what to do but it is always best to be armed with knowledge!

Annie - thanks for your kind thoughts - I have decided not to lay down (sorry about the pun!!) and take it anymore.

Not sure if I shared this with you but last week during half term (which he was supposed to have taken off with us!!) he had to dash off to a business meeting on the Monday evening for the Tuesday - we were all disappointed but he went. Because he didnt have his mobile fone on him (had left at office for week of half term) we couldnt contact him but he told me where he was staying - no details just the name of the hotel. My son had a bit of a crisis on Monday night and we tried to ring and speak with him but couldnt. I said to my little boy nevermind I will speak with him tomorrow!

Anyway to cut a long story short I checked with two hotels in the Area that he says he has stayed in over the past few years and neither had a booking for him. Infact one of them said they havent seen him since summer 2005 and the other for three nights between 2 in Feb and 1 in Sept this year!!! I felt physically sick!

I was furious and arranged for the kids to have sleepovers. I told him I needed to speak with him when he got in - he faffed about in the area cleaning his car etc before arriving home 2 hrs later!!! Delaying ...............

I was very cool calm and collected and confronted him - he lied first and said he had stayed in one of the hotels, then admitted that he didnt but that his secretary hadnt made a reservation which he thought he had so he SLEPT IN THE CAR!!!! Then went into the hotel in the morning to freshen up and get changed etc!!!! He said he went to this meeting with two other guys from his firm and they didnt stay over either - so he didnt tell them he had made a mistake!!!

I asked him 'what her name was' and he promised that there wasnt anybody. He said that he didnt tell me because he felt so silly - and he also said that it had happened before as well - I just cant understand how he can go to the particular area so many times at least once/twice a month and both Hotels not have reservations!!

So you see I am still experiencing problems - almost a year after I confronted him about his flings! I told him that if I find out anymore about this he is out! (both hotels incidently said it didnt matter whether his company had booked or the booking was through the company he was visiting had booked - his name would still show up!!!!)

He seems really baffled by this! I have a mind to ring his secretary when she returns from her holidays. I just dont seem to know him anymore!

I must say since the weekend as I have felt stronger I have spoken to my daughter too and mentioned to her that I have decided to speak my mind more - because I am an important person in the house and I will not allow daddy to speak to me like he sometimes does - it took some nerves to tell her in a way that she wouldnt feel threatened - she said Good mum its about time you stood up to Dad!!!! That almost made me cry!!!! In fact its making me cry now just typing it!!!

I dont want to turn her away from her dad - but she does need to know like Helen said I think - that men cant treat their wives like this - just because they are at home raising the kids and not in a powerful job!!! I told her I didnt want her to pick a man who might treat her like Dad sometimes treats me.

I must say he doesnt always speak to me like this - it is often when he comes home in the evening tired and he seems to treat me like a member of staff!!!!

ANyway after all the guidance I was given this weekend by you and others I decided to tell him this morning that our situation is just going round in circles and he makes it very hard for me to trust him. I told him I dont want to be part of his 'train crash' and want to protect the kids as much as I can. I also reminded him what his kids would think of him if they knew what he had been doing to their mum!!!

Then this morning - he seemed to be so much humbler - he said he is really going to make a big effort and was sorry.

Now I am just completly confused - it is very hard when your H whom you love is kind to you .................... I was still a little cold with him ........................anyway he is away again tonight .............................

All I can say is that I will sleep tonight whatever - infact I might get my little cuddly boy in with me!!!!

Thanks for listening
Annxx

[Helen]

Anne,

Sorry to say it but I don't believe for one minute that he slept in the car. If his secretary didn't make a reservation at the hotel, one would hope that they would have had room for him, as a regular! Not only that but if a room had to be booked via a booking service in order to get his company to pay, what was to stop HIM calling up to make a reservation while he was standing at the front desk of the hotel? The fact that he initially lied about sleeping at the hotel is also very suspicious. And the mobile was left in the office so you very conveniently couldn't contact him when you were unsure where he was? Oh please! I think you should ask him if he is having problems with his memory because an awful lot of things seem to be happening at the same time!

I am glad you have found your voice and told him what is what. I am also glad you managed to stay calm.

He says this has happened before. You know your husband - what he is like, his workaholic tendancies, etc. Do you think it is likely he slept in the car? Do you think a smart man (on the work front) like him is likely to have put up with that or do you think he would have found a way to sleep in a hotel for the night?

I just find his explanations incredibly odd.

It's good that you are being honest with your daughter. As stated, girls do take their cues from their mother (my mother taught me to put up with and endure, no matter what - which did me no favours in my marriage). You need to teach your husband that women, especially women who stay at home to raise THEIR kids, need to respected. It is an important lesson because it will influence the way she is with her husband and children - your grandchildren. I did the same thing for my son - taught him about women, hormones, relationships, illness, etc. His dad was too repressed and busy with his life to teach his son these things. Unsurprisingly our son has always been closer to me.

Anyway, I must go. I am glad you have found strength and purpose from the advice you have received on this board. Good for you!


Helen :)

[Anne22]

Thanks Helen

I appreciate your message!

I do know that he has slept in the car another time when he had a few too many to drink and decided he isnt safe to drive - a friend saw him - I thought at the time it was odd and why didnt he get a taxi - perhaps he just doesnt want to come home sometimes!!!

When I look at the diary over the past year he is away for 10 nights approx every month on business in uk or Europe!!!

Annx