Advice....

[SilverThread]

Hi,

I was wondering if you could just give me some advice. I feel so lonely lately I don't know who to turn to....

Two years ago I married my current hubby from another country. He came here to live with me and we got on pretty well. We would have arguments and everything but never anything to serious but a fortnight ago he got angry over a very small issue (i had the light on and he wanted to sleep) and i've never seen him get so angry ever. He said some really hurtful things and threatened to slap me... which shocked me to the core as I never expected that.

He then left and the next thing i know his mum from his orignal country was on the phone screaming at me because i treated her son badly. He also lied to her and made it out as though I had kicked him out the house and told her that I was swearing at him and his family and all this other load of rubbish. When i told her her son was lying she just carried on screaming at me.

If that wasn't enough, he met a frend of mine and her hubby and spent the weekend with them. During that weekend he talked endlessly about how "bad" I was.

He also came back after that weekend and pretended that he hadnt done or said anything to anyone, and when i said i couldnt live with him and left to stay with my parents for a while he basically took over my home. The home i bought with my money and hes now living there.

Yesterday he came over and asked me to come back but i said no. I don't know if i'm making a mistake but i feel so hurt. Its hard to explain because its not like he had an affair which is easy to show/prove, but its more of a continuing emotional rollercoaster where he hurts me and then expects me to forget. But i cant the feelings play around in my head over and over again until i go mad.

I think as well that the last 2 weeks have made me realise so much about our relationship. Because we're from two different countries we have such a huge communication gap and i dont think i remember the last time we sat down and talked... u no opened up to each other bout things... :(

I think as well he sorta expects a more traditional idea of a wife who cooks and cleans and lets his mum and sisters do as they please to her... and i cant do that... or i cant see myself as doing that. Plues theres all these lies...

at the moment, every aspect financially i'm supposed to take care of, the mortgage bills everything and its not that i mind but its like i feel like i'm doing everythin in this household and he isnt and its like he doesnt appreciate that. In fact he makes my life harder by adding all this stess

When i look to the future i see myself as a more subdued person who just gets on with her life and stuff without any of the romance or love that you expect... and i dunno :(

In one way i think i can put up with it... an unhappy but safe relationship and theres another part of me that thinks theres more out there... someone who isnt so intent on hurting me or making me look bad in front of others...
but maybe i'm living in some movie world and need to be realistic... I just don't know anymore.

I guess any thoughts/advice would be much appreciated. (Also sorry for the long post i just had to let this all out...)

[Annie2]

Hello,

You sound as though you are having a really tough time at the moment. I'm not surprised you feel lonely when your situation seems to be very confusing.

I think you are absolutely right to have left your husband. You can not live in such an intimidating and controlling environment. But I do worry how it will affect you legally and I would suggest you seek legal guidance soon. This is just to cover yourself and doesn't mean you have to make any firm decisions, it's just helpful to know where you stand in that department.

I find it very shocking hearing about his behaviour over the light. Clearly it probably wasn't the light which was the core of that outburst. It must have been very frightening for you and he in no doubt behaved in a totally unacceptable way. You should not have to live like that. In a way he broke your trust. You should be able to feel safe with your husband not feel intimidated and now worry when and why his next outburst will arrive. He showed you a side of him that you were possibly not expecting and that can feel very frightening. It doesnt' matter whether he hit you or not, the threat is just as intimidating and he had absolute no right to do that.

Mother-in-laws!!! What can I say. I'm not surprised he lied to her. He clearly deep-down knows he was in the wrong and therefore has quickly covered up his wrong-doing with a lie which he may even choose to believe himself. Maybe he was worried that you would tell your mother-in-law the truth or maybe he just wanted to hear her sympathetic, supporting voice while he was feeling 'wrong' so he lied to get the most support he could. I wonder also if he was taken aback by your reaction to his outburst. Perhaps he thought he could control you and you would have 'obeyed' but if you reacted in a way that showed you felt it unacceptable it didn't work for him and therefore he is annoyed by that. His 'controlling' didn't work and he is frustrated and confused. Maybe it's learnt behaviour from his childhood. Whatever it's far from right. Although it is frustrating and hurtful I wouldn't give too much time to her behaviour towards you. You can only do one thing at once and your husband is the main problem at the moment. Save her for later.

Again he has tried to justify or cover up his 'wrong' by feeding your friend a lie. Can you see what he is doing? He is fighting his feeling of guilt and admission that the problem is with him. If he manages to create and carve a reason for behaving in this way he will feel better. He will not have told his mother or your friend the event that happened but he will have created a lie about you. It is the 'support, agreement and sympathy' of outsiders that will help him to believe his lie and therefore help him to feel better. If she was a friend of yours I am sure she will be finding whatever he said hard to believe.

Of course he denied saying anything to the friend. He's told a few lies now and is getting good at it. So he's not going to even feel a little sorry about anything. He is protecting himself from any bad feeling and therefore passing all of that onto you. The more he can put on you the 'cleaner' he feels, he's justifying himself without having to face up to what he is doing.

I am so in awe of you for sticking to your guns and refusing to return when he asked you to. Your husband is behaving in a very controlling way. He hurts you and then expects it all to be forgotten. Denial is a comfortable thing! You need to put an end to his comfort. He will always feel safe if he doesnt address his guilt. You will have hurt and lack of trust built up and he will never understand your distance from him. I know the feelings going around in your head feel overwhelming. But trust them, these are your instincts. This isn't right, it doesnt feel right. You need to ride your feelings through. It feels horrible but they will guide you and they are very real so never push them aside. You have EVERY right to feel this way. Do not put him first over your feelings because that way you give him control over you. You are already concerned about your future and it concerns me that you also think about 'putting up with it'. Nooooo!! Why? You don't have to put up with anything.

Do you love your husband, all the bad parts aside? If you do then you need help to sort out the problems before you can say you will stay in this marriage. You really BOTH need to go to counselling. He clearly needs a better picture given to him of a more acceptable marriage. 'Traditional' marriages don't really work unless both husband and wife feel comfortable with them. You have every right to want romance and love because that is surely what a marriage (traditional or modern) needs. Never mind marriage, it's what every individual needs to survive.

I really don't see that things will change or improve unless you talk this through. This may be completely impossible on his behalf without a third party present (counsellor).

Hang in there, you are doing brilliantly. Post and let us know how you are doing. But do not ever 'put up with' or make do because deep down you know that is wrong for you.

Sending a hug,
Annie xx

[Helen]

Silverthread,

I read your post and thought 'oh, oh'... I am not sure where you and he are from but if you are talking about mixed cultural marriages, they often cause tension unless you absolutely know the person you are marrying 100% and they have no vested interest in marrying you (i.e they are marrying you because they love you and not because there will be a passport and permission to stay here indifinitely at the end of it). I won't lie - the fact that you said your husband came from another country worries me.

I have a friend, an English woman, who married a man from Morocco almost 4 years ago. They have a little girl who has just turned 3. Well, this man was initially here on a visa and was apparently as nice as pie when they got married. He worked as a chef and could not do enough for her, often nipping home to cook her nice meals and the like. Then, after their daughter was born and he was granted indefinite leave to stay here, he started to change. First, it was the food. She could not eat anything that wasn't Halal. Okay she thought, fair enough. I am breastfeeding his child and he wants me to eat Halal for her sake. So she changed the food. Then it was 'you can't buy anything from Marks and Spencers because they are a Jewish company' (he is Arabic). Never mind the fact that my friend wasn't an Arab, because she was married to him, she had to do as he said. So she compromised on this too. Then he stopped contributing to the household and, like your husband, he was living in the house she bought. She struggled to pay for everything, do her job and support her daughter and all he did was go out drinking with his Moroccan friends, despite being a Muslim. Then came his insistance that she wear the veil (she drew the line at this - she lives here, not in Morocco). The final straw - he started hitting her and putting her down then she found out he was taking pictures of her in various stages of undress, in her sleep.

She has now thrown him out and he is refusing to accept that the marriage is over. He keeps telling her it is her job to do as he says and support him.

I am not suggesting this is the case with your husband. But I read so many accounts of this, especially from women who marry men from countries that would not normally get access to the UK/US without a partner who is British or American. Given the change in your husband's behaviour, the question has to be asked - do you think he loves you? Or do you think he is with you because he is trying to gain access to the country? If so, that would explain his behaviour, especially if his papers came through recently - and it is also a warning for you. If he has been given the right to stay, given his behaviour, his next objective might be to try to secure money or property from you.

Perhaps the best thing to do is to ask yourself if this is the sort of relationship you want? Before making any decisions, there is another member here called 'Blessing'. I recommend that you have a look at her story because it unfolded in a similar way to your own.

Do take care,


Helen

[Annie2]

Silverthread and Helen,
I am so glad Helen just posted all of that. It was a uneducated thought to me too. But I don't have the experience or input that Helen has on that situation. It would have sounded a bit weak to have said 'I have heard or read about...'. Helen has a totally valid point though, and I hope for your sake Silverthread it doesn't fit. I have always wondered how two different cultures meeting in marriage work. It's bad enough being a vegetarian with a meat eater husband!! That said, I would seriously give it huge thought, it's hard to see the wood for the trees when your right in the thick of it. Try reading Helen's post a few times and see if it strikes a chord somewhere. Perhaps if you post more about your cultural differences and how much you were aware of them before marriage and how much you are aware of them now it would give a better picture. Although this is very hard for you, you must see this as your opportunity to get rid of all the hurt and confusion in your life which ever road you take.

Annie xx