Ex has just told me he has a girlfriend

[Primrose]

Hi folks,

Just looking for a little bit of support today. I'm separated a year and a half. When I say separated my husband left just after my son was born saying he didn't love me anymore and life wasn't great for him in the relationship and that generally he was very unhappy. Anyway he just texted me this morning to say he has met somebody else and wanted to tell me as he didn't want me to hear from somebody else. I was glad it was by text because he couldn't see my reaction but I do think he is a chicken. He said he was going to tell me to my face on Sunday but as I am going away he wouldn't see me and wanted to let me know.

I feel really sad. I knew this day would come and was expecting it a lot sooner to be honest but it just really brings home to me all the sadness and lonliness I am putting up with and he is out there starting all over again and will probably fair out much better than I will down the line as regards family , home etc. The irony is that I was much more of a home/domestic person during our relationship and he was the one out all the time having fun. He must be serious about this person or he would not have told me. I am just feeling really sorry for myself today thinking all the time that she must be everything I'm not - sexy, more open, friendly and giving him everything he needed that I didn't give. I keep picturing years ahead with him going on holidays and having days out with her and my son as a family and am trying not to think about what it will be like if he has another child with her. I know I am skipping way ahead but can't stop thinking like this. Help.

Primrose

[Annie2]

Hello Primrose,

I am so sorry you are feeling down. It sounds perfectly understandable though. You have been dreading this moment and now it has happened. For what it's worth your husband sounds like loser leaving you and your new son simply because life wasn't great for him. How selfish! Nobodys needs but his being met.

Do you really think he is capable of having a GOOD relationship with someone when he is clearly selfish and unable to offer security to even his son? Whatever happens next in his next chapter in the life of himself you are far better out of it. I know that you have a son together but you are his mother and always will be. No one can replace that. These are very early days and I would think it's natural to worry about the future. But try and be kinder to yourself and take one step at a time.

I don't believe for a moment that he has found someone more 'sexy and friendly' than you. No one is better than anyone else in life no matter what they look like, behave like and so on. There isn't a ranking order. You sound amazingly strong to have gone through the past year and a half so soon after your son was born. I remember the first year and a half being pretty stressful after a baby being born but to have all of that on top of it shows how far you have come. Don't give yourself a hard time. You are coping with what has been a horrible time and you are caring for your son. You are right that while you are doing all the mundane things (as they are to him) bringing up your son and doing all the domestic stuff he is unfairly finding it possible for him to carry on with his 'freedom'. Is that the behaviour of a responsible person? Just a selfish one I think. However, you know and value what he is missing out on. Your son growing up. He may have access but it's not the same. You are doing such an important job and it will all be worthwhile.
I know you need more in life though, companionsip and fun too but life changes all the time and you won't be in your situation forever. You need to take the bull by the horn and find some new friends and something different to do. Sometimes a positive change helps. Keep yourself busy at the moment, if you are going away this weekend just be kind to yourself.

I really feel for you and it must feel like the hurt is just carrying on. You have come this far so don't let him stop you from being happy. Life is too short and you have a full one ahead of you. I don't mean pull your socks up I just mean be more gentle on yourself. Allow yourself to be upset but don't be critical of yourself. You also have the right to tell him how it makes you feel, that way you are leading the way to do things at your pace. Don't be afraid of showing him your reaction if you don't you are protecting him from the damage HE did. You didn't give up on your marriage it was him.

Primrose you are far from alone. Post soon and let us know how you are feeling.
Take lots of care,
Annie xx

[Ginger God]

Primrose.....

I cant help but seconding that emotion just posted.
He hasnt traded you in for a new and more exciting model, its just a phase and he will never be happy. I am not suggesting he may come racing back to you but he will soon grow tired of her.
It is absolutely no reflection on you whatsoever.
You have to rise above it and trust me you will be happy again one day.
I am and its a good feeling.
Half hour conversation with the wife last night, she has the old house but is struggling to keep it going money wise.. so not a lot of thought where her affair got her.
Oh yeah and its all my fault because I caught her..priceless.
Keep your head up.

Graham
x

[jools]

Hi Primrose
I know exactly how you're feeling and it's completely understandable that you feel like this BUT...
he is out there starting all over again and will probably fair out much better than I will down the line as regards family , home etc. he won't fair better than you because as Annie and Graham have said he will most likely repeat the same selfish behaviour with any new partners once the novelty has worn off.

AND... I keep picturing years ahead with him going on holidays and having days out with her and my son as a family He has actually destroyed his son's family. She can not and will not ever be a "mother" to him. As your son grows older he'll see what his father has done and will never have the respect for him that he could have had if he'd stayed at home. I know because I see my daughters' faces when their father rings them. They'd be just as happy if they didn't have to have their obligatory conversations with him. As my eldest says, "The really sad thing is that i DONT miss him!" I would never be so cruel as to pass this on to my H as it would kill him to know how little respect they have for him. And yet before things went bad he was the best dad ever! I know that my daughters think that I'm amazing --- my H will never have that because he walked away from his family. Your son will also think that you're amazing bacause as he gets older he'll realise and appreciate how you've been there for him when his father wasn't. My youngest (14) is in bed now with flu. It'll be me listening out for her in the night and rushing in with tablets and love. That's the responsibility that they abdicate and think that by occasionally throwing a bit of money or a Macdonalds your way they are "helping out" and doing their bit. Primrose, they can "play" families with your son - but it will never be what it should be.
It's been 18 months. You need to move on from him. Find a man who deserves you. Easier said than done (I know!). I know how it feels that they've come out better than you - but you've come out of it with your son - and the moral high ground. God help his new woman. He won't change. Look after yourself.
Jools. XX
________
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[Primrose]

Hi guys,

Thanks a million for all the replies and support. I tried to reply earlier on in the week but I keep getting interrupted. I suppose one of the things that frightens me is that my ex will change because he wants this relationship to work out. He has basically had a year and a half on his own bar a couple of dates and I would say the loneliness is hitting him really bad. This person is not the same nationality as him and she is already living with him. Seemingly they met around July - he went over to her country twice and now she is living over here with him. I have to say I am a bit shocked about the speed of the whole thing. I am getting used to it but hate thinking about the honeymoon period that they are obvioulsy having right now and also that he took time off work to be with her - very different to the way he treated me. What I want to ask you all and i have brought this up before is how can a person be one way with one person and a different way with another. OK we had our problems but we got on very well and I can't believe I made him that unhappy. I know he is obviously doing everything right at the moment and I feel its so unfair that he will learn from the absolute mess he made of my life and my sons and he will go on and have a great family life with another person. Its so sad to think about somebody you thought you'd be with forever and loved unconditionally being more suited to somebody else. I think this relationship has a very good chance of being the real thing for him. I know I have my lovely son and my house but to be honest he never even asks me a thing about my son since she has come on the scene (not that its her fault - I would blame him entirely there). He still collects him when he has to but I really feel that he thinks he is fulfilling his role as a Dad just by keeping up with the access agreement. I know there is no point dwelling on this person too much as if it was not her it would be somebody else. But I don't hope she gets the happiness and with him that I didn't get. I know now that it was a very insecure relationship for me as everytime I asserted myself he would respond by ignoring me and at times I honestly did not believe he loved me.

Primrose