Husband wants me to dress more like a woman

[Kelly27]

:( Hello,
I am new here and I would really appreciate some advice. I have never had much confidence in life about myself. My mum threw me out the house when I was 15 shortly after my dad died. My boyfriends parents took me in and I lived there until I married my boyfriend (now my husband).
Three years ago my husband had a terrible accident and and ended up completely dependent on me for a long time. We had emotional, physical and money worries for a long time. I felt overwhelmed and strangely unloved because the whole situation was about him. I was meeting all of his needs 24/7 and it was a very lonely time for me. He was unable to give me reassurance and love. I felt unappreciated all the time despite working myself to the ground for him. There were a lot of arguments because he wasn't dealing with his accident emotionally.

Then I met a man at my work who flattered me and made me feel special. I had an affair. It didn't last longer than a week before reality hit me and I realised what a fool I was. I immediately handed in my notice to work and went home to tell my husband. I sobbed and apologised and begged him to forgive me. I took full responsibility for what I had done and offered to anything that would enable him to feel he could trust me again. Three years and a lot of hard work later we are still together. It occasionally pops up and we still argue but we are dealing with it. It was the biggest mistake of my life.

However, recently our arguments have taken a new turn. My husband is constantly asking me to 'dress more like a woman'. I wear trousers, jeans a lot because of my work and simply because I like them and feel good in them. If my husband shows any interest in me romantically he always asks me to wear a skirt or to go and change into one. He has even gone out and bought me skirts (I love it when he buys me a present but my heart sinks when i see it's a skirt). They are usually very short. If we are going out socially he asks me to wear one and I don't feel good if I wear trousers because he doesn't approve. I feel like he can not love me for who I am and he needs me to look like a certain image. It is causing a lot of arguments between us at the moment. I feel uncomfortable wearing a skirt because I do it for him and not for me and I know as soon as I wear one he sees me as offering myself to him. I just feel so uncomfortable about the whole thing and I have tried explaining this to him. He says he blames himself as I grew up with him and his many brothers and he thinks that influenced me to dress more like a boy. We have recently just got our marriage on track and now it seems to be falling off again and I don't want to cause any reason for any more upset. But I can't continue like this.

Please advise me I really am becoming very unhappy.

Thanks,
Kelly

[sarah]

hi there,
I really strongly feel that you should not wear anything just because your husband wants you too!
Do you tell him what to wear? I think not! perhaps when he next suggests that you wear a skirt,perhaps ask him to wear it!
On a serious note, You should wear things that make you feel confident and happy,I know that if I go out wearing something I'm not happy with,I will feel akward all evening.
Why is he suddenly saying this now anyway? you said you've been wearing jeans and trousers for a long time,so why the sudden need for you to wear skirt?

Be strong and wear what you like,and only change your image if it is for you!

good luck , Sarah:)

[Kelly27]

Thank you Sarah for your reply. It means a lot. You are right that I shouldn't wear things just for him but it's just causing so many arguments that I wonder if it would be easier. I find it quite insulting and hurtful that he can't compliment on just me.

I don't know why he has started saying all this recently. He has always made it known he prefers me in a skirt. Because of the last few years being a bit of a struggle for us our relationship has not been consistent in terms of bedroom activities and so on. We seem to be back on track now but it all seems a bit obvious and especially so when he asks me to change into a skirt. Nothing seems to be natural in that respect. I find myself going to bed early and pretending to be asleep when he comes to bed. In the mornings I get up early and dressed before he can make his move. I just don't feel respected or wanted for me.

I'm not sure how to talk to him about this. We know each other so well and probably don't give each other the benefit of the doubt when we talk as things can quickly lead to us arguing over silly things. But the skirt issue is the biggest one at the moment and one that is making me miserable. It's a bit controlling.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I really appreciated it.

Kelly

[Indi]

Kelly i think you should not take it too hard on yourself. I think it comes in a relationship to do things for each other. If you told your husband you would want to see him in a particular atire, i am sure he would do that for your. When you buy a house together you decide what decorations etc as you both like them. Some times the other partner thinks he would like you more or feel more romantic if he sees you in a particular dress. If he rather pretend that you look sexy/good for him in trousers and live a false life that would be bad. I think he is a good in expressing his feeling rather keep them to himself and look at other woman who wear skirts. He prefers to see you in them rather someone else and admire them.
From what you have told you husband is a strong person coz he made sure his parents took you when you were alone, he forgive you for the relatioonship and moved. I think it is a little sacrifice you can do for him.
If you feel uncomfortable wearing it outside, tell him you will wear it for him when you are in the house. I think it is better to talk and resolve than hold the feelings. Normally if a woman has an affair the first thing a man would do is to ask her to wear trousers. He will get suspicious if she tried to dress attractively when she went out. I think since he has forgiven you (though at times it comes out which would if anyone had done that, say your husband too.....you will not forget easily) he wants you to be dressed attractively. It is a good sign and so do not complicate it and spoil a happy relationship on that....

All the best for a happy life ahead.
Indi

[Kelly27]

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply Indi.
Unfortunately part of the problem is that my husband is constantly looking at other women and commenting on how they dress. He drools over woman on the tv, the internet and in the street. He has even pointed strangers out to me and told me that's how he likes women to dress (short top and short skirt). If it were all about me and him wanting me to look my best or him wanting to boost my confidence I don't think i would be feeling so unhappy. But ultimately he is not accepting me for me. The difference is I wouldn't complain about the way he dressed and I certainly wouldn't start suggesting what I considered 'better' ways.

I just don't know what to do. I just want him to be happy with me and all of me.

Kelly

[Ginger God]

Kelly... at the risk of being a wee bit contoversial here and getting shot down in flames could I chuck my oar in.
Yes you are quite right that he should accept you for what you are and not how you dress. He does seem to have a problem with his "ogling" of other women which to be honest isnt doing your relationship any favours at all.
However it may be that he simply thinks that you will look great dressed more femininely. I know when I was happily married my wife always took great care about her appearence and when we went out looked a million dollars. I felt I was the luckiest bloke in the world.
You hear so many marriages failing because partners dont take great care over their appearence. I have seen men and women in marriages where either one of them or both simply look like slobs. Men will go off their women and vice versa.
Yes I like women in skirts, but, and its my own personal preference here, I like girls to look smart as well and that can be in jeans. However, I am not naive enough to take on the best looking girl in the land if she is cheat, a liar and all that goes with it.
If my partner said to me, "Graham you look really good in a shirt and jeans" I would make that effort.
Yes you shouldnt wear a skirt and top that is revealing and nothing else but a skirt does not have to be short to be sexy.
Why not meet him halfway, ask him to come to the shops with you to buy a skirt and a top but make it clear it wont be a pelmet!
However, if he wont budge and wants it his way then you are quite right not to do what he wants.
Bottom line here is if your partner thinks you look good in something and they are genuine about it and it is within reason then we should make the effort.
I await the exocets.

Graham

[Kelly27]

Graham, Thank you for your bravely honest reply. I hear what you are saying. But I suppose my main problem is it just all feels like a turn off. I might as well wave a red flag. All I want is to be seen and loved for who I am not the image I can present. I dress smartly and feel good and my husband isn't a suit and tie man but I would never dream of dictating what he should wear. He is confident, happy and comfortable with his style. That's all I want to be able to be me. I'm just not a skirt person! But more so now because it's no longer about the skirt it's what it stands for at home.

But thanks anyway, what you said is food for thought.
Kelly

[sarah]

hi kelly,:)
I can understand why you don't want to adhere to his wishes,sounds to me,like he is making no effort with you or your feelings on this matter.

Ogling other women on the street,tv,internet etc,Is really not going to help this situation.If he was making an effort and making you feel attactive as a woman,then perhaps then ,you would meet him half way,ie like wearing a skirt at home or in the bedroom etc.

The thing that worries me most about your posting,is when you said,you go to bed early to avoid sex,and pretending to be asleep, this to me sounds like there is more problems in this marriage than the clothes issue.

I would suggest you sit down with your husband and discuss all the issues that you have,perhaps you both have things bothering you about the state of your marriage,and this is why the clothes issue had ecalated!

Do you have much physical contact? like when you get home from work,or cuddling on the sofa? I have been married 5 yrs and even I have learnt early on that you both need to make an effort with each other,other wise it can very easily lead, to one or the other partner,feeling neglected or un-loved and can unfortunatly lead down a slippery slope.

Please sit down and tell him how you really feel Kelly,make him see how upset it has made you,and maybe he will realise if you are happy in yourselve, it can only reflect on your relationship and make things better!

Goodluck,keep us posted on what happens!

Sarah.:)