Dark times

[wysi]

Hello again
I have posted a few times on these pages abt my marriage breakup and why it happened. You can read it by looking at the posts under my name. Right now I am feeling very bad because last wkend - by agreement - 2 of my daughters (23 - my c from previous M & our oldest 14) went to see ex's other child (OC). My other daughter (13) did not want to go. The agreement we had was that this was to see OC. However when they were there ex spoke on phone to g/f (who was apparently somewhere nearby) & tried to pressure them into mtg her as well. Both had said clearly before that they didn't want to meet her.

I had made it clear to ex that I wanted to know how if and when he proposed to introduce them to g/f as this would have an impact on them. This had been agrd in mediation.

Right now I feel how can I accept anything he says in mediation when he just ignores it? Also - he still has not paid me any child support altho' he agrd to this in mediation too.

I am trying to move on but issues like this just really drag me down and I am looking for some advice and help here. Thank you.

[Helen]

Hi wysi,

Sorry to hear that your ex continues to be such an inconsiderate so and so. Why isn't he paying the child support? Has he said anything to you about this? I am not going to suggest that you withhold your kids in lieu of support but you need to get the order enforced. I would apply to family court for an attachment of earnings order, so that the money comes out of his pay packet. Speak to a solicitor about this and make him pay those fees too. If he gets arsey, explain that you have only done it because he would not pay the money he agreed to pay and your kids need food and clothing. He might be mad at you for ending things but he should not take his anger out on his kids.

As for the other woman, I would not mince words with him about this. It seems to me that he is in a bit of a fantasy world re his relationship with her. He wants his kids to meet her and hopes that everyone will play happy families one day. But he is trying to force the pace. The time and venue and manner of meeting is up to his kids and you, and they have said, loudly and clearly, that they do not want to meet her yet. He needs to respect this and stop trying to force her on to your kids.

I am not surprised you are having difficulty accepting his promises. So far he has proved they are so much crap because he has not followed through on promises to pay child support and, despite knowing about your concerns, he is trying to force his mistress on to your kids. I would tell him this. And then from now on, ensure anything that is agreed in mediation is followed up at the family court with a formal order and take action via this court if he does not do what he agreed to do.

Do take care,


Helen

[wysi]

Helen - thanks so much for yr reply. We don't have any court orders or anything like that yet - we have only been separated for 4 mths. Anything agrd has only been verbal and said either between us and/or mediation. Ex seems to be living in Fantasy Land where only he has any real needs or wants. He seems to think that only his wishes are real. Of course i could just be totally confrontational and do everything through lawyers but this would end up being v expensive - hence we are trying mediation. I just don't know what to do for the best at the moment.

Thanks anyway and I'm sure I will be able to be more positive soon.

Hazel

[tiamaria]

hi wysi
you do sound as though you are having the same problem as me he hasnt emailed me back yet so i am hoping he is going to go with my wishes.
why dont you try csa it was very quick and they back dated from when my ex left the money comes straight out of his bank on pay day not anywhere near enough to help with the big mortgage he left me with but at least it is something.
i have a feeling he is going on holiday in a couple of weeks with her not much said, but i think my solicitor needs to know. why should i struggle paying for bills and food that is where all my money goes couldnt even think about a fancy holiday.
by the way my husband left me april i have many more good days than bad and i think my bad days are only due to the time of the month.
keep strong and you keep in charge of the situation he was the the one that left let him fit into to what you want dont make it easy your kids come first.

[Helen]

Hazel,

I appreciate that you are trying to keep down the costs but what good is it going through mediation and making verbal agreements if your husband does not stand by them? I would tell him that you need financial support for the girls and you need it paid regularly. I would also say you don't want to go the legal route but if he doesn't start paying you something soon, you will have no choice. Then the ball will be firmly back in his court to pay or face the consequences.


Helen