what should i do now

[tiamaria]

haven't posted for a little while but have had a few problems that i need to share.
went out with an old work mate over the weekend (male)i read the signs wrong, although i am not wanting a meaningful relationship i thought we could have had a bit of something together he had flirted with me but when it came to the crunch that was all he wanted i feel like a complete prat i dont like this dating thing didnt think i would have to after being with my husband for 17 years.
my ex has started seeing our son again but i stated that the other woman could not get involved or be there when my ex had conor . i dont like the fact that my husband encouraged my son to lie to me she was there and i have emailed my husband telling how i felt about him going against my wishes i am not allowing thomas to take conor back to their flat and that if i find out that she has been around my son i would be contacting my solicitor about the situation i am not at all happy but i should have realised that i couldnt trust my ex to do anything i asked .
am i right about this i dont want her in any part of conors life thomas chose to be with her conor didnt.

[wysi]

Hey Tia this sounds so like my post that I have just sent below. My ex seems to think that all OUR family should just love to mee t his new g/f and be happy because HE is happy. I find this ignorance of how other people feel about things very scary. In the position I am in, I can understand that he feels differently to me. He can't seem to understand that anyone else has a different perspective - or if they do - that it is as valid/important as his. There doesn't seem to be any way to get around this.

[tek_gawd]

1st No offense to anyone here.....
2nd I am a male that might be getting ready to seperate due to "infidelity"
in my marriage due to my wifes actions

My questionis this....If you are divorced (hence you calling him ex) and he has joint or even partial custody then what makes you think that you can tell him that he can't have his son while his g/f is there?

After a divorce many people get re-married....what if he wanted to do that? Would tell him he still can't have his child over while she was there? Again not to be mean or disrespectful but unless he has no custody rights or permission from the courts to see him then you can't stop him from doing anything with his kid(s) on his time.

I do agree that he should NOT ask his kid to lie to you about it or anything. That shows he has no balls to be a man. Maybe I missed something from another port in another area but why was he out of the picture for a while?
I am basing that on your statement that you said the "my ex has started seeing his son again" was he a dead beat that never came around or was he abusive? Anyway...not my business. Sorry if I upset you but turn the table and look at it this way. If he had full custody and you started/continued dating another person does he have the right to tell you that you can not have "that other person" around while you had your son?

just my rambling, crazy .02 cents....

[Helen]

tek-gawd,

First, neither Tiamaria or wysi are divorced yet, which goes some way to explaining their feelings. I think the issue is not just about their feelings. It is also about the sort of messages that their husbands are giving to the kids about relationships, especially if he wheels this woman out too quickly and insists on playing happy families. In a way, it would feel as though he is trying to replace not only his wife but the child's mother - something any woman would mind. Of course, in Tiamaria's case, her son will no doubt meet her one day but if her son's introduction to this woman is not handled properly, he may pick up the message that marriages are disposable and carry this with him through life. After all, he is only 5 or 6. I say this because I have no doubt her son is already aware that his father left his mother. He may also know that daddy has a new girlfriend and wants to be with her instead of mum. Introducing this woman and having her there will give a young child the message that when you get bored with mum, it is okay to cheat and leave. Not only that but he may get the impression/idea that daddy's girlfriend is his new mum or better than his mum because daddy prefers to be with her.

I think the other issue is one of decency. I personally would be angry if I had a young child and my husband was proposing to introduce him to his girlfriend as though she was some decent person. I would not want my young child in the same room as the woman who broke up my marriage, despite knowing my husband had a young child with me. So a bit of this is about anger too and is understandable.

Bottom line? I would want to be sure that my child was ready to meet daddy's new girlfriend and not have daddy foist her onto my child. Yes, daddy can do what daddy pleases in the time that he has his child but if daddy has any sense, he will wait and do things properly purely because his child will have been through enough when daddy took off with his scrubber.

And of course, this is true of women who cheat and try to foist their new lover onto the kids.


Helen

[tiamaria]

hi tek gawd,
i am finding this very hard to put into words my husband and i have only been seperated for about 6 months he had an affair with somebody we both knew, she knew that we were married and that we had a 5 year old son and in my eyes still went on to steal my husband whom i thought we had a good relationship together or he led me to think we had a good relationship together for 16 years.
i dont want her to be a part of my sons life at the moment i may change my mind in a few months time. i can only see her as a bad person . she has ruined mine and my sons life by taking my husband and my sons daddy away.
my husband wants a fun life i couldnt compete with a 30 year old who was still living at her parents home at the time and had no children to care for & no responcibilities, i liked to go out out but couldnt do it all of the time like my husband would have liked, my son is everything to me especially now he is my rock and i didnt like palming him off to babysitters.
i hope you now have a better insight to my situation fathers should see their children but in my case should still take responcibility we dont see him very often once a week if conor is lucky and then there could be a 2 week gap he comes when he feels like it not when i need it that is too short notice.he cant afford to give me any money towards the mortgage but he can afford to go on holiday you have made me out to be the bad person but i want my child to have stability this girl that he is with or how Helen rightly describes as scrubber may not be in his life for long i dont know,but my husband who is a liar and a cheat and has walked away from his family shouldnt be allowed to decide when the right time was to meet his girlfriend conor is nothing to do with her & maybe if i am allowed any say never will be if i meet anybody they wont have broken up a family.

[wysi]

Tia - I understand what you are saying so well. My ex is currently trying to make me feel guilty because when he took our girls to a fireworks display he asked me if I wanted to go as well & I refused. We have only been separated 4 mths, I am still in a lot of pain & nowhere ready to go out as a "pretend" family, as if we had parted amicably and are friends. He says it would be good for the girls! If he had had their welfare as his priority he would not have had an affair and broken our family - not to mention having a kid with his g/f.

I know everyone says it is important not to say bad things about the ex to the children - but I also think it is important to be truthful & explain that if a marriage breaks down becos one partner is unfaithful & leaves, then it's not reasonable to expect the other partner to feel friendly towards the ex or to want to spend time with them. I understand that he is just trying to lay off his guilt onto me but it is still hard to deal with. I want to be able to laugh at his incredible statements but I am not strong enough yet. I dread to think what he expects to happen over christmas.

[Anne22]

Wysi

My H has one 'great strength' - making me feel guilty too - you are doing really well - try not to feel guilty - I know how you feel.

You must do what you feel happy doing - I think some of us do 'pretend' too much to keep the peace but you are 100% right and should feel proud that you have not caved in and played 'happy families' when he said it would be good for the girls!! I suspect good for his ego too!

He was the one as you said who spoilt everything - you move on at your pace and dont let him put the guilt on you.

I think you are very brave and it must be very hard for you - but keep reading the postings and gather stength - I hope things ease and you can move on confidently with your life. I admire your strength - you are a better person than me!

Good luck and dont worry about what he expects - it is your and your childrens lives - he should take what you give him and be grateful not EXPECT!!!

Keep your chin up and keep posting!

Anne x

[angel11]

My gosh! That kind of thinking (that it is okay to introduce your children) to every new boyfriend/girlfriend that is really messing up our children!

Chilren of divorced parents need time alone with each parent and don't need to be replaced by a new significant other or the SO's children. They need to be the focus of the divorced parents life. GEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ