Sexless loveless marriage

[sad6764]

Hello everyone. I'm new to all this. I really need help and advice, I've been married to my husband for over 17 years and I just don't feel like I can stay with him anymore. Our sex life is almost none existant and a few days ago I mentioned talking about our problems and he said he had nothing to say. So that leads me to think he doesn't want to work on our marriage. I just don't know what is wrong, he's been real moody and doesn't even talk to me anymore. sometimes I don't even think he loves me. We have a routine everyday before he goes to work and we go to bed we kiss and say love you , but does it mean anything. I can't keep going on like this. Getting a divorce just seems so messy. I think thats what it will end up happening eventually. How long am I suppose to go on like this? We've had our ups and donws and this has to be one of the worst. I'm tired of going thru all this pain all the time.
Frustrated,
Stacy:confused:

[Kate]

Hi Stacy

I am sorry to hear your story. It must be very frustrating not being able to get him to talk about anything. Do you know if he is worried about anything, say at work?

Have you tried to set up a romantic scenario, like a candlelit dinner or his favourite meal - just a little something to show you care. It might just get his attention if you do something nice but different.

There are some articles and resources here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/) for the times in marriage when the sparkle seems to have gone. Why not have a look.

I do hope you can find some positve way to get his attention and talk things through.

Kate

[Annie2]

Hello Stacy,
Your story sounded one of hitting a brick wall. It seems as though you are completely confused.
You have been with your husband for 17years but because of current problems you don't feel you can stay with him anymore and you feel, although messy, divorce is going to be the outcome of your marriage. Things must be really feeling hopeless if you are thinking like that. Perhaps you need to take a step back and look at your marriage, the good stuff and the bad in as calm a way as you can manage. When you feel so down it is easy to focus on all the bad points and forget or have tainted the good.

You say your sex life is 'almost non existent'. So it's not non existent but not enough for you to feel happy about. I'm sure you have tried to initiate moments like Kate mentioned. I suspect though if the majority of those moments have led to nothing or feel one sided (as in never returned) you have given up. It's hard when you feel unloved and unwanted to encourage your husband to show you that you are. In a way it may feel needy. However, maybe if you look at it as you giving him a chance or offering him help when he may just be feeling stale or stuck.

It was unfair of your husband to not want to talk about your problems. Despite the fact that you have probably spelt out what you feel the problems are he probably sees it all very differently. If your husband is the one being distant then he will have his own reasons and understandings for that. Maybe if you ask him if he is happy or unhappy and the reasons for that, rather than throw what he will see as accusations at him. The fact you recognise that he is being moody and isn't communicating you have identified a problem, although it's not that simple, you need the answers. That is his responsibility and he owes it to you. All you can do is encourage him to talk, then you will be offered the chance to tell him what is wrong for you. But I think you need his understanding about your marriage first.

I really feel for you because it must seem like you are having to do all the giving. When you feel empty yourself there isn't always a lot to give. But try and look at it as you doing something for you. It's your marriage too, it's not all about him. By trying to sort it out you are helping yourself.

Your pain must be hard. I imagine you feel rejected and lonely. Without communication from your husband this is not going to change. But communication doesn't always come verbally. The fact he is moody and distant is communication enough for him to be telling you something is wrong. It could be anything and far from anything to do with you. But it is having a horrible effect on you and therefore at the moment it is to do with you in that sense. You absolutely deserve to know where you stand at the moment. You need reassurance and a committment from your husband. But I don't think he will be able to give it if it feels like a criticism or a demand. If he is having a bad time (work, whatever) maybe by showing him you want to help, support, listen and be there for him it will lead you onto closer moments. By asking him to talk about problems when perhaps he already has some of his own will build up his distance from you.
I'm sorry it all seems as though the hard work is on you. I really hope you can find the strength to fight and work at your marriage. 17 years is a long time to stop now.

Good luck and take care,
Annie

[Indi]

Stacy

I know it is easy for all of us to say it is unfair what your husband is doing to you. You deserve a better life but if he was the one on the forum we would have heard his side of the story and said the same thing to him. I think it is not who takes the effort but someone has to take control. It would show maturity on your part to start a communication with him at a different level where he would open up. It is easy to say a marriage is falling and he does not want it to work. If you want it to work from you heart you know how to get in. After 17 years i am sure you know more about him than anyone else.

He may be angry with you because of something or may be depressed in life as such. Support him now and you have a happy marriage all the way. Do not want to make you panic but check if there is other person involved as that could be tearing you guys apart.

I wish you all the best,
Indi

[sad6764]

Hello everyone, Thank you all for taking the time to write back. As for trying to have a candle lite dinner , we've both tried that for each other. We've done alot for each other but nothing seems to last long. This lack of communication and sex has been ongoing thruough out our marriage. Out of a seven day week we typically get along one or two days. It has been this way from the begining. I resent him for the fact that his money is his and mine is mine. I resent him because if I ever wanted anything I had to work for it. Plus he does nothing around the house. He won't even pick up after himself.He will not fix anything around here if its broke . It just stays broken unless I figure out how to fix it myself. He was in a bad relationship before we met . The girl he was living with stole fifty thousand dollars from him . So I guess some how thats all my fault. I just don't see any hope .I'm tired of going through the same thing everyday. I'm thinking about looking at apartments today. I'm begining to wonder if maybe he might be attracted to someone at his work. It might not be anything more than that right now because he is always home on time. I on the other hand don't think I will ever be in another relationship. I always he of these peolpe that say they found thier prince charming or thier soul mate. How does this happen? I wanted a soul mate when I got married but I ended up with an enemy. I'll try to talk to him again today, I'm afriad it will be my last effort. I'll keep you all posted. Thanks , Stacy:confused:

[Indi]

Stacy

All the best and i hope it works out. When you talk to him and nothing works out can you tell him at the end that you plan on moving out forever. I hope that gives him a bit of jolt and things may work out.

Indi

[Annie2]

Stacy,

You have just pointed out in your last post the problem in your marriage: lack of communication (sex is apart of this too). So do you want to learn how to communicate with your husband? You say you wanted a soul mate, (prince charmings are fairytales and usually start off as or turn into frogs!). Was your husband at one point your soul mate? If so what was it about him that qualified him as that and what changed?

I feel so desperate for you because if it's only communication that is the problem it is so easily fixed. Couple counselling or individual counselling?
The other problems such as money, lack of housework on his part are so minor compared with communication. How long have they been a problem or do you feel they are nagging on you even more so now because you are unhappy?

Your husband clearly had a bad relationship before he met you (obviously nothing to do with you and I wonder why you think it's your fault or that you think your husband blames you). So he had a bad experience, 17 years later however what does that have to do with anything? Surely 17years have been enough for him to build up trust in you.

You wonder if he is attracted to someone at work. We are all attracted to other people. However, if he like you, can see no hope in your marriage or doesnt know how to 'fix it' (which leads to just giving up) then here is the danger area. If your marriage is going to end it must only do so with both of you feeling you REALLY tried, that's the only way forward to recovery. An affair is not trying and it is not the way to end a marriage, it ends much more than that (to be able to trust, love and feel secure in any relationship again). And it makes a mockery out of the years you have been married together. I think if you are feeling suspicious about his feelings towards another person then you should trust your instincts. No matter whether anything has happened or not is not the point. You should not have to even worry about him and someone else. It points out just how insecure you are feeling through his treatment of you. Don't ever dismiss that feeling because that is you identifying part of what is making you unhappy. You should not have to live like that. If no other person is involved then you should still not be feeling like this. He has a responsibility to show and give you enough love, respect and understanding to make you feel secure. But again without communication you are never going to get that.

The only way forward is communication. You have been trying to talk to him and sort things out but it's not working. He's not hearing you, can you think of any other way? Would he try counselling with you? What about writing him a letter, you can read and reread it to make sure you get everything down you want to say and it then opens up lines to more communication. Just remember to include lots of positives in it so it's not all negative. If he is feeling like you then to pour on all the negatives is not going to encourage him that your marriage can be fixed.

To find another apartment is a HUGE step and I wonder how your husband will view your departure.

I don't really understand why you see your husband as your enemy. There seems to be a lot of resentment too and perhaps part of that is deep down you want your marriage to work but you feel he is stopping this from happening. But I wonder how long you have felt resentful and if your husband senses this. You have been trying to sort things out and you need his help. Have you told him that you want your marriage to work and you need his help to do that and you need to know if that is what he wants too? I really think you need his point of view on all of this, as without it you are working alone. He could be unhappy and wanting things better but completely at a loss on how to do that.

I really hope you manage to talk to him and something comes of it. You must try and stick to one subject at a time, for instance, if you are talking about WANTING your marriage to work dont then list of reasons as to why it's not. List reasons of what you want to do for him and what you want him to do for you. Wait for him to absorb the 'wanting' part and then wait for his response. Take the conversation slowly. Pick the right time to talk, not the minute he arrives home from work. Nothing quick will happen as it's a lot to hear, understand and take action from. But it has been 17years so it is up to you and him how much longer you give it.
I wish you all the best and I really hope you find some happiness soon.
Take care of yourself and keep in touch,
Annie2