In a real mess..

[newlywedfred]

Hello. I am looking for some help. My life has been turned upside down, and I am struggling to deal with lots of stuff.

I have been married for only 4 weeks. I have lived with my wife for nearly 3 years before we got married, and our wedding day was the best day of my life. We had talked for a long time about starting a family straight away, and I was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with her.

Not 2 weeks after our honeymoon, my wife has told me that she does not love me and wants to split up. I am gutted. There are lots of things that do not make sense to me right now. I have a theory though... There are LOTS of things going wrong in her life at the moment. She does not enjoy her job, a close relative died only 2 weeks before the wedding, and I dont think she has properly grieved. She has lots of debts (which i didnt know about until now). Our relationship is not perfect, but it certainly wasnt bad. I love her, care for her, support her through anything, but maybe I havent shown her all of the attention that I could have done, I could have made more effort to make her happy. But these are things we should be able to talk about - things we can work on. I think she is struggling to deal with her problems, and has pressed the panic button, and dealt with the only one she has any control over.

It is in her nature to pretend everything is ok when really things are wrong. She does not like opening up to anyone, and hates admitting she is wrong. I have tried to talk to her to find out what her feelings really are, but she doesnt want to open up. She has said some very hurtful things, which I know arent true (e.g. she only went out with me for 3 years because she felt sorry for me). I know this isnt true and that we have been in love, certainly when we first moved in together. Her parents are devastated. They spent their life savings on our huge wedding, and are really, really shocked and upset. She is not really telling them what is going on, and just says she needs space. She has promised them though that there is not anyone else involved.

I am worried that she is on the edge of a nervous breakdown or something. She had told hardly anyone that she has moved out of our home (and back in with her parents). She hasnt told any of her long-term friends, and seems to be putting her head in the sand, pretending it is not happening. She is going out almost every night, busying herself socialising, with a relatively new group of friends, who she still hasnt told about our break-up.

We have piles of wedding gifts all over the house, and none of the thankyou letters are even written yet. I am worried that she isnt dealing with this whole thing, and is pretending it isnt happening. I am worried about her debts and what it means for me. I am very hurt and upset at the moment, and struggling to talk to her. She is also being very unreasonable. She says she wants me to 'make me fall in love with her again'. But how do I do that?! Also, she says she is not willing to compromise on her going out with friends whenever she wants, even if she stays over.. and thinks it is reasonable for her stay out whenever she likes.

I am so worried about her. I dont want to lose her. I feel compelled to try and reason with her.. make her see that she is not well and not dealing with things. Even if she has fallen out of love with me, and we are not meant to be together, I care about her a lot. She needs help but she wont listen to me right now. She is hurting everyone who cares about her, and doesnt seem to be bothered.

Should I just give her space and let her sort herself out? or as her friend.. should I try and help / reason with her.. even if it might mean pushing her further away from me? I dont think she will listen to anyone else. I know her and know that she is not thinking straight. Please help!

[Annie2]

Fred,
The first thing I sensed when reading your posting is how out of breath you sounded. You wrote mostly about all the things you are worried about your wife and very few worries about yourself. I think you are clearly in the thick of what must seem like an enormous rollercoaster. You probably feel out of control yet it doesn't seem as though your wife is control either. Yes she seems to be running the show so to speak but I think you are right that she is extremely confused. A sudden bolt out of the blue announcement so quickly after your wedding and then behaviour which is dictated by denial.
I am not the best person to offer advice to you. I really hope someone reading your posting will. But I felt for you when I read your story. Instinctively I would suggest giving her space. I know that would be extremely hard for you to do when you are so desperate to get this mess sorted out. But if it is to be truely sorted then I would think you are in for the long haul. Once she is out of denial as to what SHE has done then she surely will start having to take action, or at least think about what that should be.
It was very cruel of her to say she 'felt sorry for you'. My husband suggested that to me too. I don't believe it for a moment. Do you really think someone who is, to be honest, behaving in such a selfish way has been so selfless and 'kindly' put you first because she felt so sorry for you? Do you really believe she turned up on your wedding day, family and friends involved (and therefore all of them fooled too) because she felt sorry for you? It's a very lame excuse and perhaps one she is unconsciously using to lead up the garden path and away from the truth. Maybe she doesn't even know what the reasons for her state of mind are. It sounds as though she has had a lot to deal with and if you say she is the type to ignore 'dealing with things' then this could be a bad reaction to stress.
I think whatever her reasons you are not going to be much use to yourself or her if you don't look after yourself for a while. Re-charge your batteries, prepare yourself and educate yourself (ie on this site). It's very early days. She has made an enormous choice (moving back to parents and saying what she did) very quickly and it will take her a while to work out what she is actually thinking.
I really believe you need to set some ground rules. She can not face up to what is going on if she can dip her toes in and out. Why does she think she can stay over, your not children playing at houses. it's not a trial run for her, she committed herself in marriage to you. You need to be honest about how you want your marriage to work but firm that she has to be 100% committed, start as you mean to go on, not when it suits her.
It may be early days to talk about counselling, and if so quickly she has been 'spooked' by marriage (although it doesn't sound like that) she may not be willing to go to counselling, esp. if she can't even be honest with her friends. But what about you? Who are you talking to? It sounds like a very lonely job taking on her problems when she isn't willing to face up to them herself.
I really hope things get better and clearer for you soon. I'm sorry if I haven't had much advice to offer and I hope someone will come back with some concrete advice for you.
Take care of yourself,
Annie2

[Helen]

Hi,

It sounds to me as though there are a combination of things going on. First, her close relative died 2 weeks before your wedding. Then you got married after living together for almost 3 years. The thought that immediately popped into my head is your wife is panicking because suddenly, she realises how short life is. The panic is also about the fact that she is now tied down. It is possible that she feels she is no longer free to live the kind of life she may want in the short amount of time she possibly believes she has left. It sounds really odd but I have heard of lots of people who live together very happily for years only to find the wheels come off their relationship shortly after they walk up the aisle and most of those people didn't have to contend with the death of a loved one close to their wedding day. Yet they experience similar feelings of panic, for similar reasons.

Her panic isn't about you. It's about her. I suspect she doesn't know why she feels the way she does. She just does. And it's possible that she is blaming you because the wedding crystalised her feelings of panic. Who else was at the wedding? You were, right by her side. Ergo, it's 'your fault' because 'you' tied her down.

I believe she still loves you but she is a bit muddled about the root causes of her feelings. As stated, death, especially the death of someone close, has a way of making people think about their lives and how to make the most of what time they have left. It is unfortunate that your wedding was set to take place a couple of weeks after this happened. Of course, it is also possible that your wife has decided that she doesn't want to be married after all but to tell you the truth, it sounds to me as though she doesn't know what she wants. The only thing she knows is she doesn't want these panicky feelings; so she is trying to run away from what she perceives as the source - you.

Am I right in thinking she told you that she wanted you to make her fall in love with you again? If this is what she said, this indicates to me that a) her statement about feeling sorry for you isn't true; she did love you. She said it herself. And b) she wants to feel the way she used to feel about you again so that those warm, fuzzy feelings drown out her current feelings. It is a cry for help given in her own way. I would give her space, as requested. But I would also suggest to her that she get some bereavement counselling because I think the death of her relative and her actions so soon after the wedding are linked. Running away is not going to make those feelings go away. Talking about them and facing them will. If she feels unable to talk to you, she may be willing to talk to someone else. Do suggest this to her. Other than that, all you can do is keep telling her you love her and demonstrate this via your actions. Above all, just be there for her, be supportive when it is clear that she needs it and try not to push her too much. Let her take things at her own pace but try very hard to get her to speak to someone about how she is feeling.

I hope you manage to work things out.

Take care,


Helen

[newlywedfred]

Annie and Helen -

Thank you so much for your input and advice. All of what you have said makes sense and I agree with. I am trying to keep talking to people (i have a few friends who are very supporting, and our families). However, everyone I have told is in shock too, and nobody wants to give me wrong advice. I dont want to bottle things up.

I am out of breath. I feel helpless at the moment. I desperately want to take some actions - to do something to 'make her see sense', but I know that I could be easily be too pushy. I have been to see a counsellor. The guy looked gobsmacked. He agreed I had a 'lot to deal with' and things are happening very quickly, maybe too quickly for me. I know that I am still very upset, and angry too. He gave me some ideas about how I can bring that anger to the surface and release it, in a healthy way. I therefore realise that I am probably not in the best state for dealing with anyone else's emotions just yet - I need to get a handle on my own.

One of the things I think I am craving for is clarity. I am wrestling with 2 things right now - 1. accepting that she might not love me anymore, and we might never be able to get back to a stable relationship. 2. Whether or not she is 'sane' and will ever 'come back down to earth' with her feelings. As long as I have hope in the second part, the first one is hard to prepare myself for.

I guess I am going to have to play the waiting game, as the ball seems to be in her court, (despite her saying that the onus is on me to win her love back over). Waiting hurts so much. I cant sleep, cant concentrate at work (not helped as we both work in the same building) ,I dont feel hungry and this week I even had a panic attack, which has never happened to me before. Annie you are so right "an emotional rollercoaster". It sounds such a cliche, but that is just what it feels like right now. I want to get off because I feel sick, but I want to make it to the end too. Here's hoping I am smiling on the photo at the finish line.
Fred

[Helen]

I would not describe what your wife is going through as 'insanity'. She is confused and is possibly depressed. Depression has a way of clouding thoughts and making people pessimistic about the future, even where there was optimism previously. I think you are right to worry about doing the wrong thing but I am not sure 'not rescuing her' (or not responding to this request) is the right thing to do.

You cannot win her back if you don't know why you lost her in the first place so I think the clarity you need is about just why she feels she no longer loves you. How long has she been feeling this way? And why didn't she say anything to you before the wedding? If she really thought this was an issue, she should have said something. Weddings can be postponed up to the day before she steps down the aisle; on the day, if necessary. But she went through this big ceremony only to drop a bomb on you 2 weeks later. Why? This is, I think, what you are struggling to understand. In terms of her telling you the onus is on you to win her back, I would just tell her you think there is a bit of mutual winning back to be done here. Certainly you cannot win her back if you don't know what the problem is so she needs to start talking. And does she really want to be won back by someone she 'feels sorry for'? (I don't believe this, by the way). I would also tell her - just as she feels confused about her feelings, you feel confused because of her confusion and it is going to take time to come to terms with the huge shock she has given you. Again, I will repeat - I do think she loves you but she is confused. I also think she will realise she still loves you. The only thing I can't tell you is when that realisation might happen.

I think you are right - you need to focus on you to the main part. You have had a hell of a shock so do whatever you can to get through this. In terms of talking to people about this, I don't know if it will help you to get too many opinions. This will just serve to increase your own confusion and desperation, especially if you are receiving conflicting advice re how to handle her. For the moment, I would talk to a limited number of people - her parents, your own and your therapist. Share their advice (where you feel able to) here then we will do our best to help you sort out your thoughts.

Do take care,


Helen

[Annie2]

It was good to hear you are taking positive actions. You have sought a counsellor, you are talking to people and you recognise how and why you feel the way you do. Can you see the difference between you and your wife? You could call it the waiting game but there is no need to sit and twiddle your thumbs. You are doing all you can, you are dealing with this in a healthy, positive way, okay it is the hard way and it is painful. What's the alternative? Hide away in denial? Whatever happens you must hold on to the fact that you are DEALING with this and that will mean that you are going to be alright. The smiling at the finish line will happen because you are in control right now (whether you realise it or not) you are moving forward by taking steps, by thinking things through and living in the thick of it. It's horrible and most of the time feels like an unreal life or black hole (you'd be abnormal not to feel like this -so once again remind yourself you ARE doing well). I always keep myself sane by having a mental image of myself with my head just above water. I often feel I'm drowning in pain and misery at the moment, but if I keep reminding myself that actually I'm just swimming with my head just above the water to the shore then I feel better.
The ball is far from being in your wife's court. She threw it and anytime now that ball is going to smack her right in the face! While you are bang, slap in the thick of it she is doing her very best to hide from her mess. Possibly something she was doing before the wedding (debts, grief). But in order to hide you usually end up creating more chaos to hide behind because you are far from able or ready to deal with it. She is heading for a crisis or the realisation she is in one. You in the meantime are doing everything you can to build yourself back up because guess who she is going to call for when she crashes? I think Helen is right, your wife loves you. If she didn't why would she be quite literally teasing you and egging you on. She is in such a mess nothing she says or does will make sense to you at the moment (and prob. not to her) so try and remember that next time she throws a hurtful remark in your direction.
You must remind yourself of how brilliant you are doing. You are not sleeping or eating properly but are you hiding? Nope, you are acknowledging how you are feeling and getting it right! It's all you can do.
I really, really hope you get better moments soon. When you are feeling particularly bleak just remember a moment when you felt you could cope, smiled or even just managed to chat to someone about something other than what is going on. These moments will get longer, I absolutely promise.
I feel 100% certain that you are strong enough and capable of getting through this. I really hope it turns out the way you want in the end.
Take lots of care and my top tip on not eating is eat a bit of chocolate every now and then. The quick buzz usually gets your appetite going. As for not sleeping, start stock piling magazines, newpapers, videos or whatever will keep you occupied. when I used to work night-shift I often didn't sleep very well but I guarantee you don't always need to close your eyes to rest, just lie still and relax your body because it needs it. Sleep will come eventually (perhaps, unfortunately, when you least expect it ie at work).
Good luck,
Annie:)

[newlywedfred]

Helen, Annie - thank you again! Your kind words and support really make me feel like I am doing things right, and give me strength and some peace. I think I need hope, and you have given me lots. And yes, I think I have the strength to see it through no matter what happens. This is a truly rubbish time right now, but I know it will get better. Thanks again. I will keep you posted. Fred

[Indi]

Fred i know how it is for you at the moment. I had a bit of a different thought. When you were in a relationship things were on a non comittal level and she was enjoying being with you. That is when she decided she would like to get married to you and settle down. At that point of time her expectation from the marriage were that the dream world would go to a next higher level. After the marriage i think her expectations were not met.(Nothing you should blame yourself on. They were her expectations which she has not told you about. That is why she says try to win me back, its more like i am testing you and if you do the right thing thats on my mind i am there for your.) Well she has to realise being a couple is when you go through thick and thin together and is not a game of testing.

Normally after the marriage the guard is thrown away and the couples tend to be more natural and free to each other. May be she did not like that level and was more happy with the dream world she was in. I think she might also be scared with the idea of having kids and being bound in the house. She looks like a person who likes to be more independent and do things her own way. May be she did not like you dictating terms after the marriage so that has scared her. Her thoughts may be that, if this is marriage i would rather be off it now than later. She may be also expected you to pay off her debts but do not do that now. I think let her be more clear as to what she wants in life.

I think the wise thing to do at this point of time would be to give her the space. You would have to concentrate on yourself. The best thing is book a nice holiday for yourself. Since she works in the same building, once she finds out that you are off somewhere, she will freak out. The very thought that you are trying to move on will scare her. At the moment she knows she is the one who is doing things her own way and you are there at her beck and call. (You can tell her later that the plan was for both of you to go on a holiday/honeymoon...sorry it may be a lie but is worth it if it saves your marriage).

If she gives a damn about what you do, she will approach you. Make her sit down and ask her what she wants in life. If she is not clear and does not want any concelling you will have to start thinking if you want to be with her for the rest of your life. It might be easier to eject at this stage rather at a later when you may not be able to cope with her mood swings. The arguments at later stage would always have her saying, i should not have come back to you. It would be more like as if she felt pity on you to come back if you chase her now. Let her take her time to decide what she wants.

I think most of the men are scared thinking, 'what if i give her the space and she meets someone else'. Well if there is love and you give her the space, she would think the same about you. She would be hoping u do not meet someone else. If she does not then you were not meant to be together. There is not much you can do about it. So either live with the grief all your life and keep crying or take the parachute and jump of nothing seems to be coming out of it. It is easier said then done but sometimes that is the best course of action.

So my summary would be give her some time. Take care of yourself and let the situation resolve herself. Let her come and speak to you and do not carry yourself with the misery on your face. Let everyone notice a difference in you (do not moan in front of friends) and i am sure she will be want to be part of your happiness. To let out your frustration this forum is the best as we are all, either going through something similar or have come just out of it.

I hope the best for you and things take a turn for good. If you let things resolve themselves, yours would be a very strong marriage. Do not compromise at this stage in your life when you have the controls. Its up to you to see them.

Best
Indi

[sarah]

hi fred,
Have to agree with Helen,in the fact that it sounds to me,like your wife has depression.
My husband has suffered with depresssion on and off for the last year,so I know what its like to be on the recieving end,(helpless,lost etc).
My husbands was due to many things, job stress,money worries,feeling worthless of me and my son,but also I felt it was because he lost his brother not long before meeting me,and he had never spoken of it to me.Mainly because I think he thought, if he opened that wound,it would never close again.Grief is a terrible thing,and it affects so many people in different ways,but if you don't deal with it,it has a habbit of creeping up on you!

You said in your post that your wife doesn't like her job and has debts,so I would guess that,on top of just losing someone very close to her,this is all getting too much for her and she needs some help and support!

I would suggest you get her to go and see her gp and have a chat! It will help to talk to someone other than friends or family or yourselve!

I don't think that she doesn't love you,but when you suffer from depression,it makes everything seem worse than it really is,like a black cloud,and you often don't think rationally.

My husband is much much better now,since changing jobs,and letting me help him and talking things through more,he is now like the man I fell in love with!!


It can get better,just be patient and hang on in there!:)

Good luck,kind regards sarah.

[newlywedfred]

Indi & sarah - thanks for your advice and support!

sarah - I think you are right about grief. My wife only really confided in one friend (a new, single male friend) about her loss.. and I think the comfort and closeness that he gave her has further confused her feelings, in that she hasnt felt that close to another man other than me since our relationship started. I know that there is nothing physical between them, but for her to emotionally connect to another man, when she is not connecting to me must send strong messages to her, and I think it has led to her actions.

I am glad that your husband came around and got over his depression. Dropping the barriers and being open is so important, and being able to do that must allow you to regain trust and respect and let your love flow easily. That is the place that I want to get to :)

Indi - what you say is very true. I am trying hard to look after myself, and I am happy now that i know what I want, and who I am. I have talked to her a little since my last post, and she has acknowledged that she is 'messed up emotionally'. She knows that she is not thinking straight, but she does seem to be clear on one thing - right now she says she does not feel in love with me, and is not physically attracted to me.

I do want to give her space to sort herself out and find her feelings. I like your idea of taking a holiday - but to be honest I am not sure what I would do with myself on my own. I imagine I would be twiddling my thumbs and would find it difficult to get this out of my mind. I want to take action to sort this out. i need to know where I stand, and get on with putting my (and our) lives on track.

I believe she still loves me, but those feelings have been buried under all her issues at the moment. The hardest thing for me though is the waiting.

What I want from her now more than anything is a commitment. A commitment to whether or not she loves me.. she should know that whether she is depressed or not. She agreed to marry me and walked down that isle. If she did hiding behind a lie, then I dont want to be with her. I need a commitment, and then must come the actions to follow it through. I really want to give her this ultimatum - Show me that you care, and you want to work on this, and come back to me and lets get on with it (the only condition being we have to be open and honest about our feelings); or else, act on the decision you made when you moved out, tell me you dont love me and leave me now for good instead of playing with my feelings.

My feelings of hurt have turned to anger and resentment. I feel like she is trying to stay in control all the time.. like I have always let her be. I will give her some time, to gather her thoughts, maybe until after the weekend, but sooner or later I feel I am going to have to get the answers i need. I am prepared to do whatever needs to be done for us to be happy, whatever changes and sacrifices - but if she does not love me as a person now, and cannot show that commitment, then I will only be wasting both our time.

[Annie2]

Fred,

It's good to hear you sounding a bit more clearer and positive about what you want.

I really don't think that your wife can access any of the feelings she has for you at the moment. If she is emotionally mixed up, depressed or whatever then it is all the 'confused' emotions and feelings that are taking the centre stage. That's why it all feels wrong to both of you. The true feelings are being squashed by confusion. So how can she committ to anything at the moment. She is in a mess.

For you I hear your frustration. You are hurting, angry and resentful. Why shouldn't you be, you didn't ask for this mess and you don't deserve to suffer. But again I remind you that you are strong because you are dealing with it the right way. You can access all your emotions which are being attacked with hurt and pain. How complete does that make you??? 100%

The 'twiddling thumbs' bit is a hard one. You do need to take your mind off things. Sometimes just leaving the situation to one side allows you to think clearly and re-charge. You can't see the wood for the trees when you're right in the thick of it. Take a break, go somewhere and don't worry about what you are going to do. That is obvious, you are going to rest and think. But the thinking part will be different to what you are doing now because you will be safely and geographically away from the situation. This is what you can do for YOU.

The whole not finding you attractive or loving you is just not a clear explanation and a very easy one to say. As you clearly recognise she is burying her feelings; her real feelings. So you can pretty much take with a pinch of salt anything she is saying now. Most of it doesn't make sense because she is not behaving or living in a world of sense. She has just married you and now she says she doesn't love you -doesn';t make sense to me and I bet it makes no more sense to her.

Think of you and you only for a while Fred.
I wish you all the best, take care of yourself
Annie xx

[Indi]

Fred time and space is what you need at this stage. Trust me if you go to her this weekend and ask her what she wants now or how she feels about you. The answer would be the same what you got earlier. You might mess up your chances of being togther again. You do not expect her to say 'Oh i love you and i am coing back'. What you should do is give her proper time to think what she wants in life. If after that she decides she wants to be with you that would be true feelings.
Say hypothetically she does come back to you, she might go off again in a few weeks or months. Will you feel secured ever ? If she comes back to you after some time and with no pressure from you, then there is a gurantee she has thought over it and chosen what she wants.
So again take a break, go somewhere and trying having a good time (which i know would be hard) but that will show your strength. It will show that you can stand the test of time and face anything. She will be assured that no matter what difficulties come you will stand and face them and crumple like her.

I know it is morally a low feeling if after a very short span you wife decides to leave but think that you have been in a marriage for more than 3 years (even if you were practially not married). She liked being with you then, so it is a phase. Do not let yourself run low as it is not worth it. Like i said last time at the back of the mind keep a parachute so that you can jump when required. That will help you go through this. If you keep looking over your shoulders for her to come back, the pain would be more.
No matter what happens do not speak to her about seperating or divorce. Do not say anything that you do not mean as a way of threatening as it will make things work. Strong head and a strong heart is what you need at the moment.

We all at the forum are there for you.

Indi

[Indi]

She will be assured that no matter what difficulties come you will stand and face them and crumple like her. -----sorry

[Annie2]

Fred, Indi,

I really agree with what Indi said about it being too soon for security. Whatever your wife is doing, feeling, behaving like it reeks havoc and confusion. She is not in a place to offer committment or reassurance. You will know that when the time comes that will be real.

As for feeling as though SHE is in control. Do you really believe that? She seems to be behaving completely out of control and far from in control of her life. I know that means that her actions and words feel like they are controlling or having the ultimate impact on you. But as Indi says you are free to jump at anytime. You ARE in control. You have the choice to wait for her to come to some understanding and decision or you have the choice to turn your back. By choosing to wait you are still in control. You can not control her decision but you can control the way in which you choose to receive it. If you choose to turn your back you would never know. You are choosing to wait, you are choosing what you believe YOU deserve and you are choosing not to lose sight of reality or hope. I know it doesn't feel much like being in the drivers seat but don't forget you are riding with HER mess. This might sound cheesy (I'll take the risk) but you have the map not her. Yes it did sound cheesy! But do you see what I mean?

Keep in touch Fred, you are not alone and we are thinking of you.
Annie

[newlywedfred]

Hi folks, I thought I would give you an update on what has been happening with me. I have tried to write in this box a few times over the past week, but every time i ended up deleting it. Things are a lot clearer now for me though, so I feel I can describe them.

I've been through a lot in the past couple of weeks. My wife moved back into our house, which was a massive step forward. We have done a lot of talking, some arguing, a bit of shouting, but mostly we have tried to be constructive.

Something had been bothering me all through this, and as i described before, I didnt think my wife had told me the whole picture. Now things are much clearer.... a few days ago I made an accidental discovery of a letter from another man to my wife. It turns out that she had been developing a relationship with this man. They have not slept together, but became very emotionally close, and have entertained the idea that they are, or have been in love. My wife used this man and the attention he was giving her as an escape. He started off as her confidente, a shoulder to cry on.. but the closeness they shared developed, and they made each other very happy. She started to spend all of her energies on him and their new relationship, rather than addressing what she knew to be wrong with ours. Problem was, she never really told me what was wrong with our relationship, not openly. She has told me that it was like she had given up on us, and this justified her actions to herself. She has acknowledged now that she had gone about things wrongly, and wants to make a go of sorting things out.

We have talked it through, they have decided that they did get their feelings confused, and are just friends, and I understand what has happened and why. I feel terrible that our relationship got so far from making her happy that this is what she did, and I feel bad that I couldnt see it happening, and didnt do anything to stop it. We have got a lot of work to do, but we are going to give it our best shot. We agree that we owe that to each other.

I have made it clear that she cant give our relationship a proper go if she is investing her emotional attention elsewhere. She accepts this. My wife has agreed to put her friendship with this guy on hold for a month or so, while we sort ourselves out, and I have talked to him and asked him to give us some space. If they are just friends, then I dont mind them being that once we know where we stand, and have set some boundaries of what is acceptable.

I have got a lot of soul-searching to do, got to eat a load of humble pie. She has made me aware of areas where I havent tried hard enough, and I know what I can do to improve my approach to our relationship. Equally though, I have let her know what I can and cannot accept. She values her independence and other friendships, but she is accepting that if she takes them too far, it is unhealthy for her, and for us.

I am not saying that everything is rosey. Far from it. I have been through a nightmare, and I know there are real tough times ahead for us too, but at least now we are being open with one another. We are going to joint counselling and we have a chance. Now I have the final 'piece of the puzzle', it helps me understand exactly where I stand. It doesnt make it easy to swallow (like she still says she is not in love with me right now, and is not phyically attracted to me), but at least I understand why and what I can do to try and change things.

I want to thank you guys who replied to my original post. Your support helped me through the darkest time of my life. :) I believe that my wife still does love me, and we are worth fighting for. It is still not easy, but I am keeping strong, and I am going to give it my best shot.

Fred

[Annie2]

Fred,
I'm so glad things are becoming more clearer for you. This is such a huge step forward and I wish you both lots of luck. Despite what your wife believes and thinks now can in time be given far bigger thought and understanding for both of you. She has made such a big move forward by talking to you and explaining her thoughts and it is through this that she may begin to able to see things more clearly.

Take care of yourself and good luck,
Annie