can marriage survive betrayal

[tammy]

my question is can a marriage survive after a betrayal, only i notice that in the vast majority of cases on here that they dont, is it possible?
My husband had an affair but with no sex involved due to 160 miles between them but they had started discussing it and she had begun to push to meet, so it would have happened if a)they lived closer b)if i hadnt found out when i did.
Its just that most of the time lately (its been 3 months since d day) i feel like i cant go on anymore. He is doing everything he should do i suppose but i cant get past the fact that he found someone else. This is made worse by the fact that 2 months after he ended it he decided that he wanted to be friends with her like they were before (they worked for the same place she in the call centre). He just couldnt understand why they couldnt be just friends. He has now changed job, mainly for me and my peace of mind so i feel like i should move past that and concentrate on rebuilding my marriage but i just feel so tired of it, i think about it every day, how close he was to her, how attatched. i just dont know if i can do this anymore.

[Helen]

Tammy,

I think marriages can survive a betrayal if the relationship has strong foundations to start with and, if afterwards, both of you really want to be together and work things out. If you and your husband seemed to have a good marriage and he seems sincere in wanting to work with you to repair things, I would take heart from this. I would also take heart from the fact that he chose you over her ultimately (however, he is foolish to think he could ever be 'friends' with this woman - he can't).

My marriage, like many others, did not survive but I think this was because the foundations of our relationship were already all but destroyed by many things by the time I found out about my ex's affair. The affair was the last straw. Still, it hurt to find out that he had cheated on me. I do understand how you feel but, you know, it could have been much worse. Much, much worse. Your husband had conversations with this woman but there was no real intimacy. There was no touching or kissing or real emotion (beyond flights of fancy). I would not think about what might have been. It didn't happen. Okay, it might have if you hadn't found out but it didn't. Don't think about the fact that he 'found someone else' either. I think she was just a fantasy figure for him. Ultimately, he chose to stay with you. If his bond with this other woman was as close as you think, don't you think he would have gone off to be with her? He hasn't because discovery broke the fantasy and he came to his senses. Furthermore, he is doing a lot to reassure you.

I am no good at posting links but if you look at the left hand side of this board under 'Contents', the first item is 'Articles'. If you go there, you will find a number of articles about repairing your marriage and rebuilding trust. They are a useful starting point. You can also buy books from Amazon on improving your marriage and relationship - there are some recommended titles in the 'Articles' area or, if you prefer, do a search and go by the reader recommendations. I am sure you will find something that will help you through this difficult time.

The only other thing I can say is hang on in there. These are relatively early days (even 3 months on) and you are bound to be hurting at the moment. You will start to feel better soon. The thing I found helpful when I kept thinking about my ex's betrayal was to consider how it was affecting me emotionally. Some days I would literally be in a black hole of tears, rage, negativity, etc. This would set off major depression where I could not even get out of bed and all I did was cry. I started telling myself 'this is not helpful' and delberately went off and found something else to do when the thoughts struck. DIY, crafts, cooking - whatever. I soon became very good at distracting myself until one day, I realised that I was feeling pretty okay again.

The only reason I say this to you is because in my experience, partners who cheat and decide to stay do not want to be reminded constantly about what they did, especially when they are bending over backwards to make amends. First, there is their own guilt to get to grips with and also they hate seeing their partner upset (well, some of them do) so they find that hard to deal with too. The risk is the two of you will not be able to work to repair your marriage if you 'allow' your mind to focus on things that didn't happen. The risk then is you will end up parting - not because of the betrayal but because of an inability to try to get past it. So if I were you, I would start focusing on the positive - he did not sleep with her, he did left his job for me and he came back to me. Then find distractions for when the negative thoughts cannot be shut out and read the articles on this site.

Do post here frequently too - it certainly helped me keep my sanity when the wheels fell off my own marriage.

Take care,


Helen

[tammy]

thankyou Helen for your reply and advice. I have tried to do what you said and you were right about many things. we did have a close marriage before with no problems untill this. I had my third child last august while still studying for a degree and went back to work part time in jan and admit that my husband had become bottom on my list of priorities. On top of that he was feeling low, problems in work and he had given up smoking and gained 2 stone and that got him down - i guess i wasnt there when he needed me. At this time she started giving him more attention, phoning and texting.
I spent 4 weeks watching him get over her when i found out, he was sad, confussed didnt know whether he wanted me or her and this has effected me deeply it was hard to watch and realise how much he thought he cared for her. Although he now says that on looking back it wasnt 'real' just like a fantasy, a way to escape. She told his she loved him, he said he had strong feelings for her and still admits that if he could have worked out a way he would have slept with her. I find it difficult that he found it so hard to let her go.
The doctor says i am depressed and wants me to consider medication or couselling. I dont know wether to or not. Does counselling work? After taking your advice yesterday i have been better this morning but then it came back and i cant shake it off my mind has gone into overdrive again and i dont know what to do.

[Helen]

Hi Tammy,

I am glad you felt a bit better when you read my post yesterday. Regarding my advice, I just want to say that if it doesn't work straight away, don't give up or think there is no hope. Learning to shut out the voices and the thoughts will take practice. Just keep vowing that as soon as you become aware that you are falling into this pattern of thinking, you will find something to do. Even if you don't realise you are doing it initially, as soon as you realise, make the vow. And then put it into practice. Pretty soon you will find two voices vying for an airing - the negative and the positive. And pretty soon after that, you will find that the positive voice starts drowning out the negative one and eventually, you won't hear the negative one at all. That was my experience anyway.

In terms of what happened and how your husband came to be having the almost affair with this woman, hashing it over really isn't helping you. You know what happened. You know what both of you did wrong. Just vow to learn from it. That said, I would not be so understanding of your husband's position. I don't know how old your child is but he committed with you to have this child. Surely he knew the child would take away some of your attention from him? And I assume he was behind you when you decided to go to school and he also knew this would also remove a large chunk of your attention from him for a set amount of time? So why did he think he needed to stray? He didn't - this is his excuse. So if you are blaming yourself, don't. You were only going to school to improve your education and position yourself to get a better job that pays more money. Your husband should have understood that and put up with things for as long as it took. My ex said he was supportive when I did my MBA but in truth he was resentful and started withdrawing at that point. I now suspect he resented the pull studying had on me hence his decision to stray. I have no idea why the men in our lives seem proud when we get into college and/or university yet keep their resentments to themselves. My ex would not talk to me. We just stopped talking full stop. And then he cheated. I do understand why it is hard to let go of the thought that your husband would have gone with this woman given the opportunity but realise too that this is part of the almost affair and the fantasy. I am sure he would have had second thoughts if he really thought about what he stood to lose because most men will only cheat if they are absolutely sure they won't be caught. And your husband got caught, as did mine.

What I will also say to you is when you wake up in the morning or if you find yourself unable to sleep at night because of your thoughts, get up and do something to tire your brain out. I used to get up and do cross stitch or play a computer game. This provided enough of a distraction to get me out of my depression and my obssessive thinking (because when you are playing a game, especially a time limited one, you have to focus - but if you are playing in the middle of the night, make sure it's not an action game! And cross stitch takes focus too). If you have no cross stitch materials or computer games, think about buying them cheap from eBay. This is what I did.

If you look back at my posts you will see that in the beginning I was as devastated as you are. Then I posted about my ex - what happened between us and his role in all of it and his affair. When I look back now, I was pretty angry. Then I gradually stopped talking so much about him. Of late, I even manage to express concern because he hasn't been well. The transition will come for you but I can't tell you when it will happen. And it won't be easy. Just hang on for grim death, tell yourself you are a good person, work regularly on the distractions and think about getting some counselling. It does help.

Take care


Helen

[Annie2]

Tammy,
I can really identify with everything you wrote in your post. My husband had an affair, they told each other they loved each other, she suggested that he leave me and our 3 children and move in with her. I could go on but it was all the usual gory details and he slept with her. Eventually he told me and left me, choosing her over me and the children. Then he couldn't decide and for 3 months (not living with her) I had to sit back (and a lot of phone shouting calls) listen to every option he felt he had. Mainly for a man who had just gone out of control he was struggling to believe he was in it. He was 'heartbroken' and 'confused'. We went to counselling together. This was my biggest mistake. I too was depressed and very confused. In counselling we were supposed to be working on ways to fix our marriage. I couldn't commit to that. Despite desperately wanting my marriage, deep down it didn't feel real to me. What was my marriage, did I have one, would it last. I asked myself all these questions and I questioned everything. With no trust in even my friends anymore (not that they did anything wrong - I just felt very paranoid having just had the biggest shock of my life), I couldn't commit to anything. After about 8wks of couple counselling the counsellor eventually suggested individual counselling. Pheeeeooow what a relief. It is exhausting and painful but I am doing it on my own, for me and without having to worry or have thrown back anything I say.
The pain is still there, we are living together and trying to sort things out. He too is seeing a counsellor. But the one thing that took all the pressure off was saying to myself that all I could do was try. Not try to change but try and see if I could live with what he did. The change will happen whatever it is because we can no longer be the same.
He is sorry and says it was escapism. That is no consolation but it's better than 'because I felt like it'.
Take everyday as it comes, just do one day at a time. You are exhausted because your emotions are strong and varied. Do not be afraid of talking to him about his affair, you need answers and you deserve them.
I am hanging on to the hope that time will tell. Which is why I say do one day at a time. Most of all be assertive. If he is doing something you don't feel comfortable with, that you can't deal with...say! You are the one who is depressed, in shock, hurt and dealing with it without running away (he did that). You will know how much you can take. Take it at your pace and don't be rushed. There is no manual that says at what time you should be doing what.
You and the rest of us are survivors because by being on this site you are showing you are willing to try. I really hope you find the strength you need. Remind yourself of little hurdles you have got over and that will help you keep track of your very slow move forward.
Helen is right about keeping busy. Healthy escapism is so important. My house is a pigsty as I spend all day doing voluntary work.
I wish you all the best, take care.
Annie
ps. I got the whole 'she could still be my friend...' This seems to be quite common. I think it's a part of the denial. If she could still be my friend then it's denying anything ontoward has gone on. Confusion plays a big part too. My husband described in counselling that the affair was like a big chocolate cake but when he eventually bit into it it tasted like cowdung and he realised he had the ultimate cake with the icing and cherries all along. A bit of strange description (and I did laugh quite cruelly at it) but in a way it makes sense. It wasn't her it was the different, not having to work at reaching high, unreal emotions you get. Try not to stress about the other woman. If your husband is back and says he loves you she can't be that good :-)