Advice Required

[Desperate]

Hi all. A brief update on my situation -

I have spoken with the OPs wife several times and met her for the first time yesterday. We didn't have much time to chat about what has happened but, clearly she shares the feelings of hurt, betrayal, resentment etc. Her H (who is now living with my wife) is apparently kind to her etc...really wierd, the way she described it was almost as if he was trying to paint himself as a Saint, despite what he has done.

She also told me that he reckons that he rescued my wife from an absolute monster (me). I guess I should have expected him to vilify me but it really made me angry - and I tried hard not to show it. I want so much to beat the living daylights out of this man. He destroyed so much for so many, yet waltzes around as if he has done no wrong.

I am certain that he, my wife & her broomstick bearing mother have spent many conversations talking about this evil man she married. These thoughts are really making me so angry and the desire for justice, or even revenge now is overwhelming for me. I know though that there is nothing I can do. Or is there?

I have held back on proceding with divorse for the simple reason that my wife and this SOB have had everything there way from the start of their affair up until now and I was damned if I was going to give her what she wanted, an easy divorse. But now, I really want rid of that woman forever. I want a divorce desperately but want HER to have to cover all of the costs...my legal fees and the divorce fees. I have tried (in vain) to get a straight answer from lawyers in the UK but all want to charge before they even speak with me.

Can anyone tell me if, or how I can get her to pay these costs. And if I can still name him as the 3rd party, I intend to. Can I get him to cover some of these costs. Is there anything I can do to get some justice before I finally close the chapter on a very unhappy an miserable part of my life?

[Helen]

Desperate,

I believe you can get your wife and this man to pay your costs. Although you have been apart from your wife since February this year, she did not move in with her lover until July. In the period before that, she was telling you she was confused, etc., therefore you could reasonably say that the two of you hadn't made a decision regarding the future of your relationship at that point. This is an important point to note because there is normally a statute of limitations on filing for divorce on the grounds of adultery, which is the route you clearly wish to take. This limitation is usually 6 months from discovery OR from realising that the marriage has irretrieveably broken down.

Okay, so you knew from February that she was seeing this guy. She moved out then but the two of you were still talking. She did not move in with him until July; therefore you could argue in legal documents that as far as you are concerned, she did not close the door on reconciliation until she moved in with this man in July. My advice is to file for divorce on the grounds of adultery. Do not let your solicitor dissuade you. And tell the truth when you outline details of the adultery:


You found out in February that she had been having the affair and she admitted it had been going on since some time last year
She moved out in February but the two of you were speaking regularly
She said she was confused so you were at a bit of a stalemate in terms of knowing whether the marriage was over
She moved in with her lover in July and at that point you realised the marriage truly was over
You wish to file for divorce on the grounds of her adultery with this man (and name him) and you wish to recover all your legal costs from both of them

Your wife may try to contest it, in which case I would tell her she is free to do this. However, she is living with this man which is solid evidence of her infidelity and contesting the divorce will only push up the legal fees further. And ultimately, the two of them will have to pay them if the courts find in your favour (as they probably will) so she may wish to rethink challenging anything.

Bottom line - the divorce will cost less if she just admits everything and signs all the papers.


Helen

[Desperate]

Thanks Helen, that's great. I know it might sound petty to some reading my thread but I feel I really need this to finally wrap up 15 years of my life. I guess by getting her to cover the costs, she is in effect FINALLY admitting that she was an adulterous who destroyed TWO marriages....and all the back-stabbing conversations, defamation of my character etc would amount to little. In a way, it's token revenge, or justice. Let the world see her for what she really is.

[lost]

Hi Desperate,

I have been reading posts from this board for many months and many have indeed helped me through some dark times.

Your situation is very very similar to mine, so I can completely relate to what your going through. There is angry, resentment, and sometimes pure rage. I am amazed that people like your wife and my husband can live the way they do and destroy many lives and hurt many in the process. But, I think as long as it feels good for them they don't care. I do believe that they will get a taste one day, unfortunately it sometimes takes time for that to happen.

My story, is really as bad as it gets. I came out of it and the situation is still not resolved feeling humiliated and very very hurt. My H started to work at a new job in Aug. 2004. Almost immediately he started to change towards me...very distant, uncaring, etc. Well the short of it is he started having a sexual affair in April 2005, but of course they had been building up a friendship since he started working at is new job. Well, of course, 2005 was a bad year. He stayed away many nights, everyday was late from his job, etc. In August 2005 he told me he needed time to himself, he convienently had holday time at his job he did not tell me about. Well, I found out about it later. During his time away he took her on vacation! To speed up the story with many gory and unpleasant acts inbetween the OT women called me and told me of their affair in Dec. 2005. She was forcing him to leave me. Well, he did. In Jan. 2006, came back in March...same trend continued. Then in June of this year he left for good. Unfortunately, I am still trying to work out all the financial problems and he is giving me a very difficult time.

This is a very shortened version of the story. In my case I was strung along, decieved, betrayed, etc. Ultimately, my mental health suffered in a very negetive way. It was not until after he left the last time I found out the true extent and horror of the situation. Many things have come to light and of course I am know am glad to be rid of him. My biggest enemy was hope, I tried so hard to save the marriage, but, I sacrificed my self-respect and dignity. He is of course, with the other person...now I don't care. I just want to get as far away from him as possible.

I hope you are doing better. The stuggle after such betrayal is difficult. Hopefully, the tables are turned on day...which I am sure they will be. My thoughts are with all those in our position. Anyways, your story always hit a nerve with me, and the feelings after such a betrayal are universal.

miranda