How do I forget

[RON]

My wife had an affair with another married man several years ago but even though I love my wife dearly and she feels the same way, I can't forget about them being together and having sex, her telling him how much she loved him etc. I think about it dailey and even though our marriage is wonderful, I can't find a way to get him out of my mind. Does anyone have any ideas? Thanks.

[Annie2]

Ron,
We are living the same unwanted nightmare! I really feel for you because I too find my thoughts taken up by my husband and his other woman. I know he told her he loved her and that hurts just as much as him having sex with her.
You say you love your wife dearly and she feels the same. This gives me great hope because it has only been 8 months since my husbands affair and I feel I can not believe or trust him when he says he loves me.

You clearly believe your wife and therefore must feel loved. The way I see it is that whatever your wife did or said was done during a time she wasn’t thinking clearly (if at all) and when she was in a world of confusion. Her reasons for this may make sense to you and I am sure she has spoken about why she thinks it happened. You are separate from all of that in the sense that you were not the one acting in a confused state. She is so lucky to have a husband who has forgiven her and loves her despite her mistake. I bet she knows this! The difference between you and the other man is that you have offered clarity, real love (she knows that now), real understanding, support and acceptance. He offered her nothing but confusion and a means to escape from reality. While all that lasted she was dressing up what it actually was, she was hiding from how low she had sunk (he helped her) and hiding from her real problems. Who helped her to build herself back up? YOU, through your forgiveness and understanding you have shown her what REAL love is. For whatever reason she may have forgotten she already had that, you have reinforced just what love she already had. How can she not want that? I bet she felt so wrong and foolish when she realised what she almost lost?

I bet if you ask her or talk to her about how you feel right now she will be uncomfortable about talking about it. Why? Because it is too hard for her to remember a time which, in all her clarity now, she sees as being disgusting and degrading. Of course she saw it as something else at that time because she couldn’t see anything clearly. It was her problem and not yours. When you think about the sex and the tender moments you are giving credit to your wife’s confusion. You are being as confused as she was. She is not anymore, she loves you.
Besides a man who needs to get attention from a married man? Come on Ron, honestly what kind of a desperate sad case needs that? You are amazing for supporting your wife, you are the type of man women strive to find. Don’t let some sad git who your wife really doesn’t even want to remember ruin any more of what you have.

Take care of yourself and remind your wife how lucky she is. She should be reminding you every day. You must allow yourself to be loved more and enjoy loving your wife, she is yours and she chose to be yours against what you are giving too much credit to, the rest will just shrink away…..

Annie

[Annie2]

I'm so sorry, I meant 'besides a man who needs to get attention from a married WOMAN...' dear me! Honestly I'm not on the wrong site, just an oversight!

[auburn]

If as you say both of you love each other and still are together then you can try to make it work, otherwise, it may result into tension from your part.

You have to learn to accept her past, what she did and forget about. THis will help you with her and living. Thinking about the good times you both had together will surely overshadow those other thoughts that you are having.

[RON]

Thanks for the replies. I know I just have to get over it but it still irritates me. Thanks again.

[Annie2]

Ron,
1. You won't forget but you can forgive
2. Good it irritates you; you know right from wrong.
3. Give yourself some time, you don't just have to. You are and have been forgiving your wife (diff. from forgetting) and that will build up and up. You don't have to do anything; you chose to and so far you are doing everything you can. Be a bit kinder on yourself!
Annie