There is life after separation....

[Ginger God]

Hello folks.....

A few of you around here will have read my story "Should I End It" so rather than bring that one up again I thought I would post about how life is a year on.

Legally separated on 2nd Nov 2005 so we can get divorced in two weeks if we both agree. Strange that she is now living with her new man and my three kids but she hasnt been asking me to agree to a divorce to free herself up to be with him.
This time last year I was lower than a slugs belly. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that one day I would be happy again. But today here I am in a lovely new flat with my two youngest 12 and 9 and both their friends having a sleepover tonight. I am on the couch but so what. We have been away swimming today, tomorrow Edinburgh Castle and everyone is happy. Of course I would like to know what is really going on in their heads but there are no tears anymore.... from myself or them and the love I get from them is unconditional.
Yes things can still be awkward, I would rather not see my ex nor speak to her but sometimes you have to. Seeing his car outside my old house doesnt bring back sad memories of my marriage failing it just reminds me how unfair life is at times.
Romance? Been out with lots of different girls and have been seeing my latest for eight weeks now. She is good for me and vice versa. However our relationship is governed by my kids and her business so it suits us both.
Love? What exactly is that? We both have no hang ups about it, but are probably wary of getting hurt or being hurt. However, when you have to leave your wife and kids because she is a sleeparound then you cant get hurt that bad again.
At this moment in time I cannot see me living with anyone again, but that may change.
Being single is incredibly liberating at 45. Half the week with the kids and the other half doing exactly what you want.
Of course I would rather still be married with my kids with me 24/7 but she made it impossible and I had to make a decision. Christmas and birthdays will be awkard as are holidays and money but hey life deals you cards and you have to play them.
My mates cant believe the change in me and I feel much better.
Absolutely nothing bothers me anymore, I am so laid back now I am almost horizontal. My girlfriend/friend/partner...lover!!!! oh my god did I really say that!!! thinks my attitude is amazing given what I have been through. By the way we cant make our mind up as to what we are so friends it is!
So for anyone stuck in a rut and unable to make the jump then I am proof that things do get better.

Just be brave.

Graham

[Mike56]

Good for you Graham!

[OutsideCentre]

Graham,
thanks for starting this thread. For those of us still in our own dark places its nice to know that the light at the end of the tunnel might not be an approaching train after all! Its really great to hear how things have worked out for you, and from a personal perspective, encoraging that no matter how things eventually work out between my Wife & myself that someday, based on your experience, I stand a good chance of being happy again one way or another.

Cheers!

Rob.

[helenrw200]

Graham

It's good to hear that life has picked up so much for you and I'm sure, as Rob says, it will give hope to the many people on here who are feeling as if life has ended with the break up of the marriage.Your story proves that there is life after separation and although it may not feel like it at the time, life has a way of moving on and taking you with it to a better place.

Wish you all the best.

Helen

[disbelief]

Hi Graham,
It's great to hear more about the good things that can happen after separation! My story is very similar to yours and I know exactly what you mean about feeling low and very stressed. I worried about how my young daughter would fare through it and how much I would be part of her life. I worried about how I would come out legally and financially. I worried about whether I would ever find companionship with someone "genuine" whom I could trust and who would accept my daughter. The list went on....
Fast forward 16 months.....
My daughter is great and we have lots of quality time together. She's quite the little fireball and she loves to play with my friend's kids who live nearby. Apart from a few speedbumps now and again, my ex and I are quite civil - and when she becomes difficult or tries to lay a guilt trip on me because she's not getting her way on something, it just serves to remind me how much better off I am now without her! Like you, friends and family have commented on how much more happy and relaxed I am as I was caught in a relationship with someone who became more unreasonable as time went on. My ex now seems to be in a spot where she has no true friends and I think her affair has fizzled somewhat (go figure). Behind her thin veneer of "friendliness" is someone who is truly miserable and insecure. As crazy as it sounds, I sometimes feel a little sorry for her.
As for me, I'm now in a new relationship with an absolutely amazing lady. She's genuine, kind, exciting, intelligent, attractive, confident.... and normal! She also exited a bad relationship and we are both so happy to have found each other. She's taken quite well to my daughter and vice-versa and as crazy as it sounds, the thought of marriage has entered my mind again!
After all of the grief, I've felt I've become a much better person through the experience. My confidence is higher than it's ever been, I feel great physically and mentally and am content with my place in life. Indeed, life goes on and I'm further proof that it gets better!
Courage to all,
Disbelief

[Indi]

Like everyone says it is great to know there are chances of a happy life ahead. For the moment the pain does gets unbearable at times and the mornings are still miserable.
For a person like me its different as i have to accept the fact that she is not coming back, but not sure about the OP's involvement. Though chances are low of us getting back but it is hard to ignore that she might have just been angry with me. She never gave me a hint about any other person’s involvement, though i did get hints that she wanted to separate. She was trying to find out all the financial gains she would make by leaving. Anyway trying to keep this thread a cheerful one here are some thoughts to get some strength:-

1. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

2. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

3. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

4. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

5. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know ! who is falling in love with your smile.

6. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

7. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

8. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

9. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

10. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

11. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

12 Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them! to.

13 REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

[jools]

Graham and Disbelief
It's great to read your posts. Just a point of interest though. I've read research that shows that men "move on" much more quickly than women after a break up. It is a coincidence that our two male friends both seem to have successfully moved forwards with this aspect of their lives. Maybe us women are too cautious?
Jools. X
________
NEW RELATIONSHIP ADVICE FORUMS (http://www.love-help.org/new-relationship-advice/)

[Ginger God]

Graham and Disbelief
It's great to read your posts. Just a point of interest though. I've read research that shows that men "move on" much more quickly than women after a break up. It is a coincidence that our two male friends both seem to have successfully moved forwards with this aspect of their lives. Maybe us women are too cautious?
Jools. X


Hey Jools...........

Move on? Dont think we ever fully move on.
I think from my perspective she first cheated on me in 2001 so I have had 5 years of it.
The feelings of being with someone now at 45 are completely different from what they were when I was in my early 30,s when I married my ex. I am genuinely not sure what they are about at the moment.
The girl I am seeing has also been hurt badly in the past and a few days ago we discussed the "love" word. I had to be honest and say that at the moment I did not think I loved her and that I genuinely did not know what that would feel like anyway. She feels the same.
I have moved on in as much as life "feels" good now. I dont cry, I dont feel down and the thought of my ex with him doesnt bother me. I dont jump into arguements with her anymore and no more rising to the bait.
I have been out with so many different girls since my split, a lot of them just for a coffee or a drink and it was really nice to meet different people.
I had sex offered to me no strings on a plate two hours after meeting someone which I turned down because I didnt fancy seeing my rabbit in a pot. I have been disappointed by getting the knockback after one date and vice versa.
Its all about finding out now. I have no preconceived ideas about where I may be in three months. May be single again...may be in love but I certainly wont be living with anyone.

Just thought it was time to put a positive slant on life.

Graham

[auburn]

I believe after the end of a relationship, no matter how long or short it was, one must always move on and accept what has happened, no matter how hard it might have been.
I have been reading the story of a lady who was cheated by her husband and how she got over her state of self pity.I think her testimonial, getting over self pity (http://www.iwishisaidno.com/forum/2100-getting-over-my-state-self-pity.html)- can help other who as lost to find a path.
So many people break up after years of commitment but that doesnt imply that restarting over again is not possible. If one wants to be happy, then one must be ready to face commitments again.
Bad experiences are supposed to make us mature and not to break us up into pieces!:)

[Mr Confused]

;) Well done mate,

I followed your posts as I too was going through a seperation after catching my wife out cheating with our postman, she is still with him but he is now cheating on her, (but that is for her to find out) my son is with me a lot more, I had to fight everything through the courts and am now fighting to keep my house as it is my sons family home, but by the end of November hopefully it will all be over, the funny thing is that it is my wife who has put a stop to our divorce as she wants me to accept that it is my responsibility that has caused our breakdown and not her infidelity:confused: , it's a long story but maybe it's just that she can't accept that she has done what she has done, and was caught out I think she is ashamed and full of guilt and desperatley trying to find some sort of justification for what she has done.

By the way, I thought it was two years of seperation before you could go for an agreed divorce, correct me if iam wrong.

I, like you, am happier now than I have been for years, and I have now moved on, sure I wanted her back and spent far too long wasting my life over it, and yes I am terrified about letting myself get hurt again, but like you said the feeling of liberation that you feel is so so good, you wonder why you didn't do it sooner,

I have spent my time trying to avoid getting into a relationship and well hell, one just seemed to creep up on me and bite me on the arse:eek: , it is the most unusual relationship and i did not expect it, I was so busy putting up my guard and errecting defences that i did not notice this one come in from behind, she is a lot younger than me and, I mean a lot younger, believe you me I have given it every oppertunity to fizzle out and fall apart but it just seems to grow stronger, sometimes these choices arn't ours to make and we should just go along with them when they arise,

I am genuinly happy for you and know exactly what you are saying and where you are coming from, life does begin at fourty but only if you let it, and sometimes it means letting go of the past.

Good luck
Myles:p :p :p

[Helen]

Hi Myles,

Glad to see you back for all the right reasons and also glad to hear that your life is, to the main, going well. I re-read all your posts from the beginning and I have to say, your wife has a lot of front trying to get you to take the blame for her infidelity! I could make a considerable list of the things she did wrong - in fact, I will put down 2 things for starters:

1. She withdrew from you sexually and only admitted after a lot of prompting and a prolonged dry spell that she did not enjoy sex with you because you 'did not make her feel special'; Yet you did not run out and have an affair.
2. She did not talk to you about her issues in your relationship until the affair began and even then, I have not seen anything that would justify an affair on her part.

If a partner is having a problem with their relationship, the onus is on THEM to talk about it. To communicate. We are not embued with the 'Force'. You are not telepathic either. Your wife did not communicate with you. You were incredibly patient with her and put up with a lot - too much, truth be told. And what she did at the end of it was take the bleedin' mickey! It's poetic justice that her postman is now sleeping with someone else. The fallout will be huge when she finds out. All I can say is I hope the divorce is finalised before she does find out because then there will be absolutely no way back for her and you can get on with your life with this new woman, who sounds a much better match for you.

I would not agree to her demands. She has no grounds to make them much less to try to force you to accept them. She is no doubt doing this because if you admit culpability, you will have to pay her legal fees. In terms of the 2 year agreed divorce, I would not wait because it may disadvantage you. I doubt her relationship will last the distance and you may find yourself lumbered with her again. After all, you are still living in the marital home and she has just as much right to live there as you do as long as the two of you are still married. If you filed for divorce on the grounds of adultery, you may still get the divorce granted. It depends on the evidence you produce to support your allegations. If she has written to the courts to tell them that it's your fault, I would suggest you write to them and put your side of the story. I would also suggest you tell them about the postman refusing to stop his rounds, telling you that you had to get your mail from the main post office in town (why the heck should you have to do this when your mail is paid for, for delivery, like everyone elses?). And you could also try asking Royal Mail to write a letter on your behalf confirming that you wrote to them about everything that was going on.

Glad to hear about your new relationship! :) I haven't embarked on one myself just yet - I want to spend another 8 months or so on my own but I have promised myself I will start dipping my toes in the water next summer. Also, I hope the lymphoma has been sorted out now. I know you were 95% clear in August. Have you had the all clear yet?

Take care Myles and it's nice to hear from you,


Helen

[Ginger God]

Myles...

In Scotland it is certainly a year with consent for a divorce..but its not really an issue at the moment.
I am however surprised that she hasnt been shouting for a divorce.

Graham

[wysi]

it is really good to read a positive post about post-separation. I am still at the stage where I cannot possibly believe that I would ever meet anyone else. After 18 yrs with one person - although I had had a number of serious relationships before then - it just doesn't seem possible. I just can't even imagine feeling attracted to some-one. Although that's probably because we have only been apart for 4 mths.

Re the divorce situation - my ex wanted us to "just" sort out financial matters - to me that was ridiculous - if we are severing our marriage/finances/home then of course we will do it in conjunction with divorce! He was - and is - unfaithful - why should I wait 2 yrs to get "mutual agrmt" divorce? I didn't break up our marriage - he did! But he seems reluctant to get that officially acknowleged. Maybe his g/f wants to get married & he doesn't?

Sorry - I am coming across as v grumpy & negative. I do wish you all the very best in your future and I know talking on here does help me.

[Mr Confused]

Hi Helen, Hi Graham,:)

Sorry to reply on your thread Graham but i did not really want to start a new one just yet, I am still in a transitional period and don't really understand it myself but I will start one one day.

Thanks for your kind words and all your advise Helen and yes my Lymphoma is a lot better now, they just took me off the drugs a week ago so will go onto monthly checks now and see how it goes. This illness I think was a major contribution to me moving on, it puts your life into perspective and makes you see that if you can fight this sort of thing then you don't need anything else dragging you down, I now belive that an affair is the end of a relationship, I think people should try but i'm afraid once the trust is gone, I don't think you can ever really get it back, if it's not the mistrust then something else would eventually creap in, my onocoligist made a good observation about it all and it is ironic that if it wasn't for my wife running off with the postman and the stress that I was under because of it then the cancer wouldn't have blown up and he wouldn't have got to it as soon as he did, he was able to treat it, he said that i could thank my wife for that as, realistically all she would have had to do was wait two or three years, she would have got the house, my child, the businesses and everything, even the insurance money as by that time it would have creapt round my body and he would have been telling me how long I had instead of bieng able to treat it, thats irony for you isn't it, she could have even been the grieving widow with everyones sympathy.:p

life is so much better now, still have a bitter divorce to fight but once you sort out your frame of mind and realise that you have to live first and live happily before you bring anyone else into your life then things get so much better, since my wife has gone everything has calmed down, my dogs, my horses, and everyone else around me, nothing fases me now, not money worries or anything, the best thing that has happened out of everything is that my son is so much happier when he is here as well, that is the most important thing to me and I dont think my ex can even comprehend what I am feeling, everything to her at the moment is material with a price and a value even the extent that she can use my son.

Good luck Helen with the relationship thing next year, but if I can give you some advise it's don't go looking, your a hell of a sensible person and have been a very good friend to me and I believe a lot of others on this forum, the right person will come along without trying, don't judge them too hard, burnt fingers can heal.

Good luck Graham, somehow I feel like a soulmate, when you get that feeling of proudness and euphoria back when you spend time with your kids it's really great, that's when you really know youv'e moved on, they don't need expensive presents or holidays but they do need you, that's life in perspective for me,

Thanks to both of you and I will write again,

Myles;)

[Ginger God]

Hi folks.. a wee bit of advice required here.

Me and the ex have been discussing xmas presents and it has been fairly amicable. She tells me she has no money, having a big house to run and I have agreed to a figure that we spend on each of the three kids. It is however £50 less than what i would consider to be fair these days. The figure she quoted to me buys them next to nothing.
I go down to my old house today to find a skip outside the house full or rubble. My son tells me that Mum has knocked down a wall etc moving doors and is going to relay two floors with laminate. And I am thinking how can she pay for this but not an extra £150 for Xmas presents. But on the other hand her computer has been knackered for a month and she cant afford a new one.
Next I eventually ask my boy if her new man is living with them full time. The wee man tells me that he has been living with them for a couple of months. Told him it was something that Dad needed to know..I am a taxman and she is fiddling her Tax Credit Claim.
Last month she told me he only stayed overnight now and again. I asked my boy if Mum had discussed him living with them but he said that she has not. He does however seem to be ok with it.
I am trying to get along with her but she is still lieing to me big time.
Should she have at least broached the subject of him living there with my kids and what is the money all about?
Answers on a postcard please.

[Kimberley1967]

Hi Graham

I know that you are a Tax man and dont agree with your wife's position or her actions but blowing the whistle on her wont help and have less money in the kitty for the children. It is her who will have to repay anything back in the long run not you.

It is not nice when your ex moves someone in but they rarely consult the children and I did it 2 because funds were tight and he moved in to help to be honest. I didnt consider consulting the children at the time but granted was a mistake but I had a mortgage to pay a house to run and 2 children 2 bring up. None of its easy for any one but sometimes you can get wrapped up in other things as for £150 at christmas I wouldnt be able to afford that for my 2 children of may just that any way now Im on my own.

Hope it all goes well for you and that your new romance is still flowering.

Kimberley

[Mr Confused]

Hi Graham
Money issues are going to get your goat for a long time to come, and the fact that the other man has moved in with your kids is going to hurt a hell of a lot too, dont let it get to you, concentrate on your future with your kids and leave her behind, its called moving on, dont look back and if she is fiddling the tax then so be it, she will get caught without your help, dont be the one to shop her, this will only polerize both of you and in the end hurt your kids.

Graham, I know its hard but dont use your kids as spies or go-betweens, all they will see is your ex bieng a happy person with the new man moved in and their father bieng bitter and twisted, they will pull away and lose respect for you and go to the happier place, Please, move on and think of yourself and your kids and buy them what the blxxxdy hell you want this christmas, just close your sights down to you your kids and your new partner, be happy for her and them and thats all that matters now.

Good luck
Myles ;)

[Ginger God]

Ok Myles... a few weeks ago I agreed not to go to my daughters birthday party or the fireworks display to make it easy on my ex on the grounds that the other guy didnt go. She agreed to all this.
I told my wee girl that I wasnt going because it is easier for Mum and dad that way. However I found out at the weekend that he moved in two months ago, kids werent even asked about their thoughts... and he went to her birthday party and the fireworks.
My ex said that it was our girls party and that she could invite who she liked. I dont believe for one minute that she chose him over me. Parties are for parents not new partners especially in the first year of separation.
They will never choose him over me, that is the only thing I have asked and there is no need to do it again. I just needed confirmation.
As soon as I mentioned it to my ex she was right on the attack, I never ask the kids what they do with you.. but the difference is there is no one else here.
I just want her to be honest all round but because she has lied for years I dont believe anything she says. She said she told the kids he was moving in, my boy who is nearly 13 said she did not.
Yes it hurts like hell and I feel I have gone backwards over the past few weeks. Kids should have been spoken to about everything.
Oh yeah and I have no right to enquire why she can afford to knock walls down in her house but she cant afford much for the kids xmas.
Liar Liar yur bums on fire!

Graham

[jools]

Hi Graham
I'm really disappointed for you that your ex is still able to make you feel like this. What's happened to the woman who was able to make you forget about her? Is she still on the scene?
Jools. X
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[Ginger God]

Yeah Jools she is but I think all this is too soon for me.. I thought I was ready perhaps I still have a lot of hurt inside..something about walking before running.
I just have this adrenaline rush in my stomach all of the time, doesnt aid decent sleep.
I just think my ex was completely taking the p**s about the party and it really hurt.
G
x

[jools]

Hi Graham
I'm only asking cos I take a real interest in your progress in relation to myself too. I used to think that the quickest way to get over one was to find someone else - like a replacement. I'm coming to realise how naive of me that was! It's true that you have to sort yourself before starting again with someone else. It's a tricky old process. My H has just started renting a house a mile and a half up the road. Bearing in mind I was constantly bailing him out financially when we were together he is renting a huge detached house (how???) He also took our daughters to Aikea to buy beds for when they stay with him.
I have a developing cyber relationship. We exchange photos and daily E-mails - and text messages - but i've told him not to ring me as i'm not ready or sure about more contact yet. That's just it. Not sure if i'm ready... It's perfect as it is as we get on so well and seem to have so much in common. He's not pushy either (which I like). I have promised to ring him for a chat in the next week (oops!) I know i'll be SO disappointed if we meet and it's "just not there" though we delude ourselves with the old "friends is fine" line. Truth is i've got enough friends - male and female. Why would I want to start from scratch with a stranger? Like I said, it's a tricky old process. Re-wiring our brains and all that. But we'll do it eventually. Starting from scratch.... what a monumental pain in the arse!!!!
Jools XXX
________
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[Mr Confused]

Hey Graham

I know you are hurting right now and believe you me I know exactly where you are coming from but you have to accept that you have no control over your ex let alone what she spends her money on, she is probably doing it to wind you up anyway, have a private birthday party for your daughter yourself, do not involve your ex, your life from now on dosn't involve your ex so dont let her control your relationship with your kids, make the time with them the best you can, I don't mean spoil them, but be happy, laugh, thats your life now so make the most of it, I don't give a shxxt what my ex does, but my boy is my world and we have a hell of a time even just playing with plastercine,

Sorry to be blunt but you have already told us that your ex lies, and she is living with another man so what the hell are you doing trusting her again, she has lied before and she will lie again, she will use everything to try to get a reaction from you until you don't react any more then she will grow tired and move on, probably to the new man, sheer irony that the man that she cheated on you for will end up getting all the stick for everything that has gone on,

come on mate, you've come a long way, don't let her get to you now, hold your head up, your better than that, think of the big picture, thats a future with you, your kids,(if not all the time) and the person that you eventually bring into your life, don't let the bitterness creep into your next relationship as well as your kids

Sorry to be blunt Graham but life's a bitch and then you die, so make the most of the bits between , and love those closest you with as much as you can,

Myles

[helenrw200]

Graham

Like Jools I've taken a real interest in your story and been pleased to see you making headway and rebuilding your life.

The fact that your ex still has the power to hurt you isn't an indication that you still have feelings for her but that you are a human being ! She has your children, so you can't cut all ties which makes it hard as you still have knowledge of what's happening in her life when really it would be better for you if she disappeared in a puff of smoke.

The split with my ex was reasonably ammicable BUT he still does things that hurt , for instance he told me he can only afford to spend £50 each on our two sons for christmas this year... and then went out and bought a 7 grand car for his g/f . He's taken her away twice this year but hasn't offered a holiday to the kids , as I couldn't afford one this means they didn't get one at all. Not so bad for the eldest who at 23 can afford his own if he wants but for the 17 yr old who is autistic and still at school, it was quite upsetting. I don't think he's being deliberately mean, just thoughtless.

This time of year goes a long way to making us realise the pain of separation and feelings of being on the outside looking in are common. Christmas being sold a a " family time " makes it hard to cope and brings home the fact that for some of us " family " is not what it was.

Some people cope by launching into a new relationship and others by taking time out and learning who they are and what they want before embarking on being with a new partner, there is no right or wrong way to do it ( rebound relationships have a high failure rate though ) , you just have to do what feels right in order to get through , eventually the situation you're in becomes " normalised " through sheer fact that it is now normal.

Sounds to me like you're being made the scapegoat and maybe feeling a bit powerless and I have to agree with Myles, ask as little as possible about your ex when the kids are with you and take any info they offer unasked with a pinch of salt, chances are she's lying to them too. As long as they're not suffering , let her get on with it and dont let what she's done to you influence your future happiness.

Helen

[wysi]

Graham - I really empathise with you about this. My ex is still lying to me and keeping things from me which afffect our children (I fully accept that only things which impact them or are to do with our divorce have anything to do with me now). I think it is a power thing. For eg. he wanted to know if our kids wanted to go & stay with his family for a family b'day a couple of days around Xmas. I asked if his g/f & child would be there as this would affect whether our girls want to go. (Youngest has not yet met o/c, doesn't want to. Neither have met the g/f and ex hasn't even explained to them that she is his g/f again now, although I have). He then said he "didn't know" if she would be there or if she had been invited! What a load of (insert favourite swear word here).!

Apart from the fact that this is pathetic it really worries me that he doesn't take on board that mtg a parent's new partner is a difficult situation & not one which children should just be dropped into without preparation.

Re: some of the other comments people have made - I have decided that much as I would like a relationship I am nowhere near ready for one. I am working on increasing my social circle though.

All the best to everyone.

[Ginger God]

Hi folks thanks for all your replies.
Thought I would have a word with the lawyer today.
Our separation agreement states that "the parties will consult with and take account of the views of the other in any matter of importance affecting the welfare, health, education and wellbeing of the children".
Lawyer says that she will draft her a letter warning that if she doesnt adhere to this then I will consider the wellbeing of the children a bit further. What this really means is that we are going to mark her card and make her think that I will perhaps attempt to have more custody, I couldnt but thats not the point.
My lawyer thought that the birthday party thing was unbelievably hurtful and basically sums the woman up.
There seems to be the same thread running through lots of break ups where the partner who cheated has no mone for kids things but can shower other things with money.
Yes I am hurting but its not to do with my feelings for her..its all to do with being taken for a ride.

Graham

[Primrose]

HI Graham,

If its any consolation I am going through the exact same thing as you. My ex is now living with a girl from another country and he only knows her a wet day. She is not working so he is obvioulsy paying for her food, bills, socialising at the moment. I know that will probably change when she gets a job of her own but it is so hurtful to me as he never took any interest in our finances when we were married and I was always far more generous to him than he was to me. He looked at me like I was a piece of sh** on Sunday when I asked him for half of my sons medical expenses which was only about 25 quid even though it is stated in the separation agreement that we should be paying for this equally. He handed over the money begrudgingly and yet he has no problems paying the way for a new woman.

Makes you mad doesn't it - there are many of us out there and all I can say is they are just totally selfish, uncaring, cold-hearted people and I hope to God it comes back to haunt them at some stage in their sorry little lives (really angry this week by the way). My ex also took four weeks off work - for no reason at all other than to spend time with her by the looks of things and didn't look to see his son for any extra time during those four weeks off - devoted Dad or what.

[Alan]

Hi folks thanks for all your replies.
Thought I would have a word with the lawyer today.
Our separation agreement states that "the parties will consult with and take account of the views of the other in any matter of importance affecting the welfare, health, education and wellbeing of the children".


Graham

I'd urge caution on using your lawyer in this way. The statement you reproduce above is indeed a powerful set of words and it can work both ways.

Don't let anger, understandable though it is, cloud your thoughts. Keep focussed on the future and try to resist baiting each other.

In my view, solicitors don't really want to get embroiled in these things but when they do, usually at the behest of the client, it then becomes murky, not to mention expensive.

[Ginger God]

Alan,

Thanks..my lawyer isnt daft and isnt a money grabber, she actually told me to write the letter myself but I thought it would be better if it was official.
Lawyer said she was basically taking the p**s and it had to be stopped.
Thats why you sign a document such as a legal separation, it protects you and your kids. I am comfortable with the fact that I have done nothing wrong here.

Graham

[Mr Confused]

Good point Alan, I have found that most of the time when solicitors are involved then things just get worse,

As I said before try to avoid polarising yourself and your ex, the only possible outcome is that your kids get hurt, maybe they will feel that if it all blows up again then it was what they said that caused it, they will feel less inclined to talk to you incase it happens again,

I know its hard but try to look past it all and leave it alone, when she stops getting a reaction from you then she will stop doing it, it's the hardest thing to do but believe you me it is for the best, I was a trained negotiator in the forces, and when my little boy was bieng used as a pawn I found it very hard to keep my cool, I've been in some pretty horrendous situations in some really shxxty countries but the hardest thing that I have had to face in my life is the breakdown of my marriage and the way it hurt my child,

Caution and think of your kids first,

Good luck
Myles

[Ginger God]

When will this pendulem of feelings stop.
Kids are with me and its been great but I have often this weekend thought..well is this what life is all about.
My wee girl is in the shower just now because she is bored and my boy is playing the PS2.To be fair we were away yesterday and at the cinema just now but I just look at their faces and think why did this have to happen to you guys. A double life flitting between your Mum and dad because your Mum couldnt keep her knickers up.
The kids have just told me that their Mums boyfriend has just had his windscreen put in outside her house during last night...just as well the kids were with me otherwise I would be getting the blame for that.
Christmas is coming and I dont know if I am looking forward to it or just want it over and done with.
Its amazing how your mind goes over things all the time. I am now struggling to get to sleep at night which is something new to me.
One day hopefully all this will disappear.
PS No I didnt order the hit on his car!

Graham

[Primrose]

Hi Graham,

I know how you feel. I find on Mondays I am always on a downer lately as I have to see the ex on Sundays. Yesterday he pulled up in front of my house in a new jeep (not brand new). I am just amazed at how he is getting on with his life. Everyone has been saying to me that he must be spending his settlement money. He took my little boy out with the new girlfriend for the day yesterday and when he came back there was a leaflet from where they had been in the end of the pram and I could smell perfume off my little fella. I'm finding the whole thing about him moving in a girl that he barley knew so hard to take and it really has set me back so much. I just keep thinking of them being out together and having family days out. He didn't stick around long enough to do any of this with me. Together for 13 years and didn't think long and hard enough to stick around for his three month old son but is now playing happy families with another person on Sundays. It makes me sick to think about it. Sometimes I feel like packing up and moving just to get away from having to deal with him but that's just running away like he did.

When I was reading your post Graham I can see how you are torn with hating your ex but desperately wanting to be in your childrens lives permanently. I don't think my ex battles with this at all. I think he is more than happy with just Sundays. He is so happy at the moment and probably will be for a good while and the irony is they will probably go on to have children of their own - how I'll deal with that is another ordeal that I'm not looking forward to. I wanted it more than anything - to be a family I mean and he pulled the rug from under me. People keep saying to me also that they will tire of each other but I don't believe this is necessarily true - everyone is just trying to console me. How can she tire of him - he's showing her a great time, they obvioulsy are very passionate at the moment, he has his own place, she won't see any of his flaws yet and maybe she won't bring out the worst in him like I seemed to do for some reason. Time will tell I suppose. I just want it to be that day now - I have to learn a bit of patience and concentrate on myself which I am trying so hard to do but when you are used to putting somebody else ahead of yourself all the time its hard.

[Mike56]

I think it's hardest on those of us "left behind" after a split. After all, the person who left took a specific decision to do what they did, and irrespective of the rights and wrongs of the situation, the fact remains that they choose to do what they did.

Alice seems to have all but forgotten me as far as I'm able to tell from the few connections I have who can give any insight into her. I suppose I'm lucky in that there are no children to keep the sore open, but even then it's really, really hard sometimes knowing she's absolutely fine and I'm still hurting even though I have been lucky enough to find someone who likes me.

Primrose - of course she won't see his flaws - whoever is currently with Alice won't see her selfish, user, obsessive and deceitful side. But at least I can hold my head up with my friends and family - can she? Can you? Can your ex?

Mike.

[Ginger God]

And then today I find out that my ex,s new boyfriend is dabbling in drugs and thats perhaps why he had his car window put in. Foursomes....without my ex have also been mentioned and they have split up once already in the past... you couldnt script it could you.:eek:

[helenrw200]

No you couldn't, and what a worry for you as your children are living at least part of the time with this man. From what I remember your children are pre-teens ? Coming up to teens is definitely NOT a good age to be living with someone who dabbles in any kind of drug.

Not wanting to interfere but if I were in your shoes I'd feel justified in sticking my oar in and telling your ex that this is definitely NOT ON.

Helen

[Ginger God]

Helen....

Yes it is on my mind and I am currently wondering what the hell I should do about it.
I found out about the drugs from his ex. I havent spoken to her for 6 months but she heard about the car and phoned me to say it wasnt her and of course it wasnt me. She then said that my ex had been at a party with him and had been asking questions about drugs. He is stupid enough to let her meet friends that him and his ex used to go out with. Word still comes back to his ex.
I have to be careful because I dont want my ex knowing where I got the info from. Of course if it is true that she has been asking about the drugs and I mention the fact that I have heard and am not happy then she will know I am not telling lies.
My kids are 10,12 and 17 Helen. Good kids, never done a thing majorly wrong in their lives and their Mum put them through this.
There have been many times recently when I have thought "is this what my life is all about now"
Graham

[helenrw200]

Graham

You must be worried to death, what on earth is your ex thinking about ?She must be totally blinkered at the very least . I for one would like to slap her !

What an untenable position for you to be in, but your kids can't live in that situation so I'd be tempted to wade in regardless.

Helen

[Ginger God]

And then tonight the inevitable.
I meet my girlfriend for coffee at her house and she says its not going anywhere and we both end up in tears, but I knew it wasnt going anywhere either.
But life is such a bitch at times. I said to her that I just want life to be normal but she is 7 years down the lines and at 49 4 years older than me and it isnt normal for her either.
And you then think back to all the havoc that your wife/husband has caused just for a s**g and you think...what a waste.:(

[Mike56]

So sorry to hear that.

[Ginger God]

Hi folks...well its ten days before xmas day and our first xmas apart.
Life can be a pig at times cant it. I know there is always someone worse off than yourself and that we should just be grateful if we have our health but at the moment I just want life to be normal...but it never will be again will it?
I know she wont have the greatest of xmas times too but she still has the big house and a new man in her life.
I sometimes wonder what the future actually holds for me. Everyone tells me that it is still far too early for me in the relationship stakes, it is only 9 months since we actually split although its 13 since we legally separated. It is really strange because after I left it gradually got better to the point where I thought I had cracked it and I now feel as though I am back to square one and why?
Friday night on my own, quiet weekend ahead all the xmas pressies bought and another night of trying to get to sleep ahead of me. Trust me to have someone who is nocturnal underneath me. He isnt that noisy but you get the odd crash about midnight or even 4 in the morning and if it wakes me then thats it. I had to go to the docs this week just to get something to get me to sleep because I started sleeping at my Mums the nights I didnt have the kids because its much more relaxed there and I can get to sleep. Wasnt very proud to go and ask for a wee bit help but my Mum said that my pride shouldnt come into it.
New relationships? I thought I was ready but its patently obvious I am not but I do enjoy girls company and I dont suppose there is much wrong with that.
Every time you hear a xmas song on the radio or TV I want to scream..apart from Stop The Cavalry by Jona Lewie!
Goodness knows how many of us are out there hating this time of year...its not all its cracked up to be xmas.. a joy to watch your kids faces but hyped now to ridiculous levels.
I am hoping that xmas is the last hurdle, that will be one of everything, next year cant be any worse than this year.

Graham

[teenee]

I have just separated from my husband of 9 years .been with him15.I have 2 kids to a previous marraige.Its a complicated story that i just dont feel up to telling at the moment.I am registered disabled after an accident 5 years ago.I knew we were finished and so did he,so Im not crying into my pillow missing him,but I still feel a loss of somekind.He was a complete control freak which i realise now.He walked out and thinks because the kids are not his he doesnt have to pay me a penny.I cant ever imagine being with another man and cant see that life is ever going to be normal but reading this post has given me some hope x

[helenrw200]

Hi Graham

I think Christmas is a time of great strain, when it feels like evryone you know is playing happy families ! For myself, I absolutely hate it, pretty much always have, although I made it special when the kids were small. The fact that the whole thing seems to start earlier and earlier every year drives me mad , shops filling up with Xmas decorations and food in September !

The only thing I enjoy about each year is my youngest son's school Christmas Carol service which is held at Coventry Cathedral , especially poignant this year as he is 17 and it will be his last, he's moving on to Uni next year and agoraphobia or not I'm determined to attend. After that's over I could quite happily forget the whole thing, kids will be spending Xmas morning at home with me and then going to their dad's for the rest of the day and Boxing day, so I get to cook Xmas lunch and then spend the rest of it with the dog !

Get Xmas over with Graham and I'm sure it will be onwards and upwards for you, you've made tremendous progress in the last year and things can.. and will get better. Here's to a happier 2007.

Take care,

Helen

[blackbeard]

Hi, I was here with you all a year ago, went through something similar to GingerGod. It hasn't got any better, have been out with a few women since none of which made me happy. Have had fun since but all the time I just want my old life back, I find it very difficult to move on from here, Christmas was awful, New Years is proving even worse. I really didn't want to come back here with bad news as ecveryone was so supportive at the time and it really helped knowing that othr people out there were going through the same as me. I haven't told what I did to find out that she was cheating on me, she still thinks that I am guessing. I feel like I am as bad as her now as I am not being true to myself. Tonight I will going to bed early and hope that it all goes away with 2006 and that 2007 I wake up and it has all been a nightmare. I did all the right things, moved out, got a new job and put all the right things in the right places, apid my money on time everything. I am truely glad for you GingerGod I admire you for coming though it the way that you have, but now I feel like I have no-one. I don't understand why this has happened to me, believe it or not I am a nice bloke everyone says so, so why am I alone at a time like this?

[Ginger God]

Hey Blackbeard....

Its not all a bed of roses.
I took my kids back to their Mums on Xmas Eve because I was big enough without my ex asking to say that they could stay with her this year. Her new mans car was tucked up the drive and I had to live with the thought that my kids would wake up with him on Xmas morning. But you know what Xmas day was ok. I had the kids for 5 hours and we had fun and played The Simpsons board game. All I have to do is rewind 12 months and think how bad last xmas was.
New Year? I took kids back last night and it wasnt a problem. I hate New Year but had dinner with my Mum anf Stepdad and went back to their house and had breakfast with them this morning. Kids come back to me tomorrow for 4 nights.
Blackbeard..life will never be the same for any of us where we have split no matter how hard you try. You have to make the most of it. Whatever feels good just go for it because lets face it nothing can be as bad as what we went through last year.
As I was told last night at midnight "dont look back look forward".
I think I was foolish to think that I would walk this separation but its been bloody hard but I know I will get there sometime and that I will be perfectly happy again...but that will be in time.
Now been out with 21 different girls since I split most for just a coffee or a drink but still searching for "the" one..thats internet dating for you!

Best Wishes to everyone...including you Markus!!!!!!!

Graham

[Kimberley1967]

Hi Everyone especially Graham

My xmas and new year felt the same. I felt empty. Went through the motions with the children but my youngest wanted the tree and decking up from 1st December until 5th January and now cant take any more!

Not sure whether it was my husband or a partner that I missed this christmas. Tried to think of the positive things (didnt have to put up with his mother!) and spent Christmas in the kitchen trying to please every one went well. Boxing day my girls go to their Dads and spent the whole day on my own and by the evening I was very very down. I even thought at one point I could go into work and do some bits and bobs!!!

New Year was slightly better got dressed up and went into town but lost my friends and ended up spending new year alone. Feel sometimes always will be alone now.

Internet dating well I have kinda knocked it on the head did meet someone I liked very much but he went and moved back in with his ex wife for the holidays and I think there was more than home cooking on the table and havent heard anything since. Everyone else has been either nice but no chemistry or pure stalker material. I feel de-moralised with it all at the moment so taking a break.

The massive row I had with my husband at christmas made me realise the rose tinted glasses have now been removed and I am so over it so something came from it - wanted to bury the hatchet and be friends but it is not to be he is very very angry and blames everyone but himself (dont they all?)

I hope you find what you are looking for Graham you are a decent man who deserves better - have fun looking take care

Kimberley X
P.S. At work so thats why it keeps coming up Kimberley1967 but
its still me