Please someone help me save my marriage

[iklechicken]

Thank you for taking the time to read my plea...hopefully someone has the answers or help I need. Sorry if I blab on but I am just writing this as it comes into my head...

I seem to always have felt not good enough for my husband. He seems to try so hard with other people, usually people who end up hurting him but never seems to want me.

We met at Uni, I was seeing someone else at the time but I ended that relationship to be with Pete. He moved in with me at my halls quite soon after getting together - mainly because he didn't have enough money to pay his rent so I offered. We had a great sex life - at times now I think maybe that is all we had in common.... People warned me not to get together with him because he had had lots of one night stands, etc. but I saw someone who just needed to be loved - just like me!

His mum and dad split when he was young. At the time there was four children, Pete being the eldest. The two youngest went with the mother and Pete and his sister Jane went to live with Pete's dad. He didn't see his mother much after that and eventually his dad met someone else. His dad and stepmum have also had a rocky relationship. Pete's dad has always blamed Pete for ruining his life. His stepmum went on to have two of her own children and Pete felt like an outsider. His childhood was not happy.

After Uni I went back home to my parents and Pete did the same. I invited Pete up for New Year. He had a blazing row over it with his stepmum who didn't want him to come up... it ended with him leaving home and going to live with his aunty. He still has no real contact with his dad or stepmum which I know eats away at him.

I moved to Wales to live with Pete and we got a flat together. After about 9 months we brought our first home. We had our ups and downs, mainly at Christmas time when Pete felt sad about his family. I tried to comfort him as much as I could be nothing seemed to work. Now I just think he thinks I was the cause of him loosing touch with his family... I have tried to encourage him to speak to his dad, but in reality his dad doesn't want to know - he is a selfish man.

At that time my relationship with my family was good, my mum and dad lived about 250 miles away and I missed them but life was good with Pete. We had the same problems as any other couple, not enough money, arguing over household chores, etc. but we alway seemed to come out the other side.

We got married in Kenya in 2003 and had our first baby in January 2004. We moved house in December 2003 just before our son was born. We struggled with mortgage payments, got further into debt and evenually took out a loan against the house to pay for the outstanding debt... it was a really stressful time, trying to bring up a baby and cope with the worry of having no money.

Last year my sister dealt a devastating blow that my dad had been abusing her. Thats when things changed for the worst... my mum was distraught...we offered to put her up until she found somewhere else to live - it also helped us pay our debts and we had a bit more money coming in. I have been working so hard to help my mum over the past year and a half... but she is still living with us.

The whole situation has put an enormous strain on me and Pete. He spends most of his time on the computer, playing games or chatting to other people. I feel so alone. It seems as if he prefers talking to these other people than to me. I know he want my mum to move out but she helps us by paying for all the food shopping and pays rent which helps with the bills. If she didn't live with us, I am not sure how she would cope at the moment as she is not very strong and also we would end up in debt again and have to sell the house for sure this time.

I feel very much in the middle - do I help my mum and risk my marriage or is my marriage just a farce anyway...

Everything I do he criticises - I enjoy gardening, he thinks this is stupid, I recycle, he doesn't see the point. He spends little time with our son, everything seems an effort apart from games and chatting to people on the computer. He has even looked up some people from his course at Uni (people he lost touch with) - one is a girl and it does worry me. Why go backwards ten years when you need to sort out the present.

I know he is much more sociable than me, but when other people are around I always feel that I am in the background or something he can't wipe off from his sleeve. I am not an over outgoing person - I am wary of people, Pete is more like a young child - doesnt see the bad in people and when they do the dirty on him he seems to like them even more. But to me, who is loving and considerate towards him - he pushes me away.

I just feel so insecure. I don't think I am over reacting about the chatting to other people... I feel like he is having an affair. I have asked him and he broke down crying saying that he wasnt seeing anyone else and that he loved me but doesnt know whether he wants to be with me anymore. I said I needed to know because my head is just so jumbled, I don't know what to think. If he loves me surely he would want to work through things but he doesn't seem to want to. He works shifts so we don't get much time together, when we do my mum is there or our son needs attention...how can I get back to being me and Pete or do you think we should not have really been together in the first place ?

So that is my mixed up mess....help please!!!

[Annie2]

Firstly I want you to know how amazing you are for still standing throughout what must be a really horrible time. You are coping with your husbands behaviour, your mum and your child. Who is looking out for you? You are asking for help to save your marriage and that alone shows that you are doing everything you can to save it yourself. What is your husband doing?
You clearly know and understand him, through his childhood history and through the life you have shared together. Yet you are going through your own family crisis and where is he? Where is your emotional support?

I am going to say this simply because of my own experience - but if you suspect an affair then you should stick with your suspicions. I suspected my husband was having one, I checked his pockets, phoned him to find out where he actually was, tried to read his emails (computer had secure password), I asked him, I couldn't get it out of my head. Yet the one thing that stopped me from being convinced was him, he fed me hope through saying he loved me, he was here most of the time - although it turns out when he should have been at work he was out shagging his tart, he looked the same, he sounded the same but most of all I believed he would never do that, that I knew him. Danger signs that I didn't see until too late were there - the usual 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' and the going over our relationship history and pointing out flaws.

I really hope for you that your husband is not lying. To be honest though sometimes they don't think they are having an affair, they justify and lie which allows them not to die from guilt and responsibilty.

I know this must be a horrible, stressful and dark time for you that you can't see a way out of. But there are two people in your marriage and you are the one who seems to be doing all the work. You are communicating and asking for communication. That is all you can do. Have you suggested counselling to him, either for both of you or seperately. You have stated the facts, you want to save your marriage, he doesn't sound so sure. If there is no one else there shouldn't be a problem with counselling for him.

As for your mum, you are torn between her and your husband at the moment. I would think about talking to her. She will not be blind or deaf if she is living with you. You have been there for her and I am sure that she will want to do the same for you.

I hope I haven't upset you any more than you already are. Remember you are hearing the point of view from someone whose husband had an affair, so I am biased. Whatever is going on with him, he is being neglectful of you and your marriage. He owes it to himself and to you and your child to behave more responsibly. Sometimes if you have been in a long relationship it's easy to think you've done nothing but fix things and try to make things work. He needs to remember the positives (which despite staring him in the face - loving wife and child- he sounds so confused that he can't see the wood for the trees).

I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself.
Annie xx
ps, I'm new to this site so I'm not sure whether I make much sense but no matter what I say I did care when I read your story.

[iklechicken]

Thank you for your reply - it did upset me a bit, but helped at the same time.

I don't really think my husband is cheating on me but I really don't think it helps me him chatting to these people all the time - it makes me feel so insecure. I feel like he is having an affair because he doesn't tell me things and he just says that he likes to socialise. Then I feel like am I over reacting because of the stress I am under and not thinking with a clear head (which I'm not). Even still - I don't feel like I get much support from him but I always put it down to him not being able to show his feelings because of his childhood.

He never finished his course at Uni and I know this frustrates him as he works shifts and travels back a for Swindon day in day out. I don't know if this is why he has started chatting to people from Uni days or whether he just want the Uni lifestyle back - he has said we don't go out anymore, etc, etc. but with little money and him always wanting things I can't see how we can - and then when I suggest going out he say we can't afford it - I cannot win!! Do you think he is just saying all these negative things to make me get up and walk - then he can blame me and my families current situation and not face up to his blame.

He doesn't like weakness, doesn't like showing his emotions, hates people crying at him and I'm afraid I've done all of these - I truly believe he is frustrated because he doesn't know how to help or cope with the situation. How do I stop being so needy when I don't get anything from him? Its very hard!!

I have been the one to always sort things out but now I depend on him more because I am busy with our son and also my mum. I do not work which means he is the provider and I have had a lot of anger from him because of this - but he works shifts, my mum is working and there is no one else to look after our son.

I do want to save my marriage but everything I do seems to be wrong. If I am not here (I went away with my mum for a short break) he doesn't like that, if I am here I smother him.

My husband says he loves me but cannot cope with the situation anymore, can't cope with having no money, can't cope with my mums emotions, can't cope with not going out, spending time with me, etc. His family are all living off benefits, his dad didn't work much when he was young - I want a better life for us but he seems to think it is my fault for having our debts because I won't settle for what I believe he thinks is an easy option.

[iklechicken]

Thank you for your reply - it did upset me a bit, but helped at the same time.

I don't really think my husband is cheating on me but I really don't think it helps me him chatting to these people all the time - it makes me feel so insecure. I feel like he is having an affair because he doesn't tell me things and he just says that he likes to socialise. Then I feel like am I over reacting because of the stress I am under and not thinking with a clear head (which I'm not). Even still - I don't feel like I get much support from him but I always put it down to him not being able to show his feelings because of his childhood.

He never finished his course at Uni and I know this frustrates him as he works shifts and travels back a for Swindon day in day out. I don't know if this is why he has started chatting to people from Uni days or whether he just want the Uni lifestyle back - he has said we don't go out anymore, etc, etc. but with little money and him always wanting things I can't see how we can - and then when I suggest going out he say we can't afford it - I cannot win!! Do you think he is just saying all these negative things to make me get up and walk - then he can blame me and my families current situation and not face up to his blame.

He doesn't like weakness, doesn't like showing his emotions, hates people crying at him and I'm afraid I've done all of these - I truly believe he is frustrated because he doesn't know how to help or cope with the situation. How do I stop being so needy when I don't get anything from him? Its very hard!!

I have been the one to always sort things out but now I depend on him more because I am busy with our son and also my mum. I do not work which means he is the provider and I have had a lot of anger from him because of this - but he works shifts, my mum is working and there is no one else to look after our son.

I do want to save my marriage but everything I do seems to be wrong. If I am not here (I went away with my mum for a short break) he doesn't like that, if I am here I smother him.

My husband says he loves me but cannot cope with the situation anymore, can't cope with having no money, can't cope with my mums emotions, can't cope with not going out, spending time with me, etc. His family are all living off benefits, his dad didn't work much when he was young - I want a better life for us but he seems to think it is my fault for having our debts because I won't settle for what I believe he thinks is an easy option.