The Other Woman

[Annie2]

I would really appreciate some advice. I can't stop obsessing about the woman my husband had an affair with for 6 weeks. I feel so compared yet we are different. She city high flyer, never been married no children. Me 3 children, married for 10 years and no career. I've seen a picture of her and she really didn't look that attractive (or what I had imagined) but this made me feel worse. My husband at first chose her over me and took a long time to choose me in the end. I have never contacted her and feel bitter that I have been going and still am through extremely dark times. I feel angry what she (husband too obviously) have emotionally done to my children. Would it help me to contact her? I think about this a lot. About sending her an angry letter. Just something to not let her get away with it. But then I feel that she has laughed behind my back already, that she is probably cocksure that my husband is still miserable and that I cant bear any more of her scorn. I would really like some advice on this.

[markus]

You wont gain anything from contacting her .. if she's in a relationship you should drop her in it

[Annie2]

Thanks for your reply Markus, I don't know what I would gain from contacting her either. I worry it might start things up again but I also worry that if I don't I might die from not knowing anything or hearing the other side to the story or just having my say when so much has been said about me.
I don't know if she is in a current relationship. She was breaking up with her boyfriend when my husband began chatting with her (they work together). He says he got caught up in her problems and felt good being able to support her. When he told her that I knew I imagine she was delighted. She had already asked him to move in with her. The whole time my husband and I were trying to work out what to do she was in the background offering herself. When he finally returned home and we went to counselling she was still contacting him.
It hurts that both my husband and I have been trying to sort things out while she has walked off scotfree and is still out there thinking the worst of me. My husband says on reflection she was a sad, manipulative frog (she did look a bit like one) but this doesn't quite match the 'in love' and wonderful feelings he so willingly shared with me. At first he said we should thank her for highlighting problems in our marriage. But he doesn't say this now. He only talks about how similar they were (same music, politics, interests and so on) and that it will never happen again because the chances of meeting someone so similar again are slim. For me they had nothing in common, she wasn't married with 3 kids to him.
The worst is not knowing much about her, my imagination runs riot.

[jools]

At first he said we should thank her for highlighting problems in our marriage.
it will never happen again because the chances of meeting someone so similar again are slim. I would consider both of these statements to be highly insulting! The second one is particularly worrying because he's as good as saying that he would do it again if he met someone similar!
Personally, I would have to have a face to face with her. Whether it will achieve anything is not the point. The point is to make YOU feel better. Why should you sit back and let everyone else make the decisions? Don't tell your H you're going or he'll prewarn her. And make sure that you're capable of maintaining your cool and dignity. I know I would do it because I have - and it made me feel a hell of a lot better.
Jools. X
________
Motorcycle owners of america (http://www.bmw-tech.org/wiki/BMW_Motorcycle_Owners_of_America)

[Annie2]

Thanks Jools,
It's a bit terrifying actually just thinking about contacting her. I would have to contact her and arrange to meet her (if she agrees). I worry that she will run straight to my husband who is keen to move on and put the whole thing behind us.
If you or anyone else have top tips on how to handle the situation then please let me know. I only want to have to do it once so don't want to mess it up.

[tammy]

Hi, i fully sympathise with you. i am having the same problem 4 months after i discovered my husbands emotional affair of 14 weeks with someone from his work, who also had just split from her boyfried. i do now have moments when i dont think about it but only moments. originally he said she was a lot like me and so they had a lot in common and it couldnt have happened with anyone else! didnt know whether to be insulted or not, hard to take, he also said the same as your husband in that it probably did us good highlighting problems we didnt even know we had in our marriage before she started chacing him. i also saw a photo of her and she was nothing special, but now i cant get her out of my head so was probaably not a good idea. I know she was pleased when i found out, expected him to leave me and offered her place for him to stay but he didnt leave, so i quess i should be gratefull. but she has spent the last 4 months trying to get him back and thats caused problems.
i'm not sure if you should contact her though. i text her a couple of days after i found out telling her that i hope she was pleased with herself for breaking up a family and hurting the kids but turned out that although she got upset at that, crying to her sister, she took it as a sign that we were not working things out and had a chance, hence the problems. i still want to contact her again but wont, dont want to give her the satisfaction.

[jools]

If you don't front them they think they've got the upper hand. That's why she freaked when you text her, Tammy. If you see her, Annie, don't forewarn her or arrange to meet. You say "if she agrees" --- well I say "give her no choice"! Work out where she'll be at a certain time and just turn up. I turned up outside her place of work and said that we could talk there or I'd take the conversation inside. Work out what you want to say in advance and be very controlled and unemotional. Present yourself as a strong person.
Jools
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Leather Webcams (http://www.girlcamfriend.com/webcam/fetish/leather/)

[Annie2]

Sorry been busy all weekend cleaning, cooking and running around after children. It helps me to think though. Thank you for all your replies. I take on board all that you say. I was thinking about my friend today. Before I met her she had an affair with a married man. She was extremely sorry for all the hurt she had called when she ended the affair. The wife has physically and verbally abused her for almost 3 years since, everytime their paths cross. She has taken it believing she deserved it. It's funny how I see her as my kind and giving friend yet the wife sees her as someone completely different. The difference is though, my friend has shown how sorry she is throughout it all. She never interfered when her 'lover' tried to repair his marriage. She told the wife how very sorry she was and admitted she deserved everything she got (she even had her car smashed to pieces and didn't call the police!).
I wonder why I am still hung up on my husbands tar$. Is it because I have never met her, never knew her and she was some invisible destroyer and threat. Or is it because my husband told and showed me how much she meant to him at first. Now that he is back home he doesn't enjoy talking about his affair (it's been 8 months since the affair and 5 months since he's been home). He says he feels now she meant nothing. But why do I feel I need her to be slagged to pieces by him to counteract all the positives he said and showed. I feel so immature wanting him and almost egging him into some sort of bitching about her. Is it me who has the problem

[Helen]

Annie,

I don't believe it's you who has the problem. You are no different to most of us. The reason why you want your husband to slag her off is because he hasn't really said anything negative about her so far so you don't really know how he feels about her, despite his words. Okay, he has said he now doesn't think he loved her but this isn't the same as tearing her to pieces and slagging her off for helping him to decieve you! Hence I suspect, despite the fact that he says things are over, you still feel a tad insecure about his reasons for going with this woman. I think you are also curious about her - what kind of woman sleeps with a married man?

I know I felt insecure when my ex cheated, espeically when he could not choose between me (his partner of more than 20 years) and his mistress (a hugely overweight, benefit cheating slob who has never had a job in her life). I asked all the usual questions, including asking about our mutual performance in bed. What I got was 'she is different'. What I wanted to hear is 'she is crap' or 'she is not as good as you'. He did not say it but I heard it later on from my brother (because my husband's mistress was my brother's wife). I also found out much later that he went with her because she did not 'nag' him to work on their relationship or go to marriage counselling. Hardly surprising - he was only screwing her and buying her cheap trinkets. Now my ex is alone. It turned out the woman he destroyed our marriage for, the woman who he thought he loved more than me was not the love of his life after all. She is a sloth - lazy, neglectful of her kids and a cheat. Yet I feel no sense of triumph. Instead, I still feel angry that he threw me away for this bitch. And now, aged 42, he is all alone - and depressed as Hell. Ah well... I also feel angry for my brother because this cow has the nerve to give him a hard time, despite the fact that she threw my brother out to try to move my ex in, because my brother has another girlfriend. I just wish this cow would disappear.

Sorry is as sorry does. I don't feel sorry for your friend. I don't think she is loving or giving either. This is just an aspect of her personality that she plays up for you but the fact that she could sleep with a married man should tell you that she is not the 'considerate' person she is trying to pretend to be. The minute she found out this man was married, she should have dumped him and, if she didn't, she deserves all the crap she has had thrown at her - and more. Having been betrayed myself, I could NEVER have an affair with a married man. I have had numerous married men try to hook up with me and I spell out exactly why I will not see them. No way. I would never hurt another woman or betray her in the same way that I was. Your friend can say sorry now but sorry is always easy with hindsight. I am sure she was not sorry when she was shagging someone else's husband. She is only sorry she got caught and is being punished by the wrathful wife...


Helen

[Annie2]

Helen,
Thank you for your response. I understand what you say about my friend and I often wonder if she had been with my husband whether she would be any more sorry. I agree that it takes a certain type to go with a married man. It is something I would never do and have never done (and like you have had offers).
As for the other woman that you unfortunately had in your life she is different to the one in mine. My husband went for everything I am not. I have never had a career, owned my own flat or been independent. Yet I thought I was 'just as good' as anyone who did because I felt having 3 kids and giving them all my time and love was just as 'worthy'.
You are right about my husband not slagging her off. Despite him saying she looked like a frog and was a bit boring - I had to push hard to get this - I have yet to see him let rip verbally about her. At first, if I called her a name while we were talking he would defend her and say she was innocent in 'our' mess. So loyal to her yet completely disloyal to me and willing to slag me off to me and more than likely to her. I feel if he really meant what he said, that she means nothing, he would feel anger towards her in the part she played. Yet he says he feels all the guilt. In my mind he still feels something because it is so hard for him to blame her. Throughout all of this he has tried many ways to avoid taking responsibility and blame. He blamed me in every way he could and even at times the children ('I never wanted them but now they are here of course I love them'). Not once did he try and blame her. Not once did he make out that it was her coming on to him. It's almost as if it makes him feel good that he feels he can still pull. That actually it wasn't some desperate sad case with no children or husband of her own, at the age of 36, stealing someone elses.
I feel so unsupported when he he just says 'probably' when I suggest that just perhaps she had something to do with it. He uses phrases that I have suggested such as 'manipulating' when talking about her, but has come up with nothing of his own other than they were so similar.
Oh I don't know. I feel she deserves nothing from me, that to contact her and give her a few home truths is still involving her in a place she doesn;t belong in. But I often feel I am one of those people who drift along letting people hurt them and do things to them without ever sticking up for myself. I'm not sure why I am feeling like this now. I think recent events with my friend and her consistent problem with the wife of the man she had an affair with have got me thinking.
Thank you Helen, I am going to think about what you have written. I felt quite pleased to read that your husband is alone, I know that may sound harsh and of no comfort to you, but he got what he deserved (i'm sure you feel that way too).

[Annie2]

Helen,
Thank you for your response. I understand what you say about my friend and I often wonder if she had been with my husband whether she would be any more sorry. I agree that it takes a certain type to go with a married man. It is something I would never do and have never done (and like you have had offers).
As for the other woman that you unfortunately had in your life she is different to the one in mine. My husband went for everything I am not. I have never had a career, owned my own flat or been independent. Yet I thought I was 'just as good' as anyone who did because I felt having 3 kids and giving them all my time and love was just as 'worthy'.
You are right about my husband not slagging her off. Despite him saying she looked like a frog and was a bit boring - I had to push hard to get this - I have yet to see him let rip verbally about her. At first, if I called her a name while we were talking he would defend her and say she was innocent in 'our' mess. So loyal to her yet completely disloyal to me and willing to slag me off to me and more than likely to her. I feel if he really meant what he said, that she means nothing, he would feel anger towards her in the part she played. Yet he says he feels all the guilt. In my mind he still feels something because it is so hard for him to blame her. Throughout all of this he has tried many ways to avoid taking responsibility and blame. He blamed me in every way he could and even at times the children ('I never wanted them but now they are here of course I love them'). Not once did he try and blame her. Not once did he make out that it was her coming on to him. It's almost as if it makes him feel good that he feels he can still pull. That actually it wasn't some desperate sad case with no children or husband of her own, at the age of 36, stealing someone elses.
I feel so unsupported when he he just says 'probably' when I suggest that just perhaps she had something to do with it. He uses phrases that I have suggested such as 'manipulating' when talking about her, but has come up with nothing of his own other than they were so similar.
Oh I don't know. I feel she deserves nothing from me, that to contact her and give her a few home truths is still involving her in a place she doesn;t belong in. But I often feel I am one of those people who drift along letting people hurt them and do things to them without ever sticking up for myself. I'm not sure why I am feeling like this now. I think recent events with my friend and her consistent problem with the wife of the man she had an affair with have got me thinking.
Thank you Helen, I am going to think about what you have written. I felt quite pleased to read that your husband is alone, I know that may sound harsh and of no comfort to you, but he got what he deserved (i'm sure you feel that way too).

[Helen]

Annie,

I don't think our circumstances are so different. My ex also went for a woman who was the complete polar opposite to me too. I am a career woman and always have been. I also have 2 degrees and am doing a PhD. The other woman isn't. She is content to sit at home on welfare. My ex always swore he was supportive of my career yet he used to shout and swear at me when I tried to talk to him about problems at work. He complained that I came home late at night (this didn't always happen but I used to work late in cycles). Yet working late for 3 months a year was too much for my ex. It was almost as though I had to be there at all times. Like all my attention should be on him. And when it wasn't, he had the affair and, like your husband, blamed me for everything.

I pointed out a few salient facts that had led to the breakdown of our marriage and he used to break things and then blame me for that too. He just could not accept responsibility or blame. It wasn't all about blame but this was where our conversations always led. He was always looking for someone to blame for the stupid decisions he made.

You are worthy and better than you realise. You at least care about your family and are a true mother to your kids. My ex's mistress does not give a toss about her kids. They know me as their aunt and they know their mother's boyfriend was married to me. Unsurprisingly, they are unhappy that she is/was seeing him and they were very vocal in their protests. Her response was to hit them, drive the eldest away (she is living in a hostel) and traumatise the youngest. They were told they just have to accept the situation. Yet both she and my ex are crumbling - I suspect from stress. Some relationships are just plain wrong. There is no way a man should be in a relationship with a woman who has slept with the brother of his wife. That is like me sleeping with my brother. It's just wrong and now, the guilt is crippling both of them because they know it is wrong.

Hearing you talk about your husband and the kids and the other woman is like experiencing life with my ex. We had only one child. I wanted more but he did not want the responsibility. It is ironic then that he went from our home with our adult son to taking on responsibility for her 3 kids by 3 different men! I always used to tell him there was a reason why she had been left with 3 kids but he swore blind she was a nice woman - decent. I used to ask how decent she could be if she was sleeping with her husband's sister's husband. I also told him she had a reputation as a bit of a bike and she had stolen stuff from my mother and my sister. He swore she was none of those things and it was all lies. He also said he felt responsible for her. The woman is the same age as me - not some dumb 20 year old! I asked him about his responsibility to me and his son and he had nothing to say. It is as though she had a spell on him. Even worse, in my eyes - he is 6ft 3 and slim and she is 4 ft 9 or 10 and hugely overweight and top heavy. I told him she must look a state - all stretchmarked, bloated and saggy - under her clothes (I know she does). She also had huge bunions and smelly breath and she looks a state when she goes out. I just could not understand how he could go with her but I guess he just wanted the attention and, being as she was unemployed, she could give it to him.

Now, of course, he realises what he threw away. We would have been on easy street financially because I earn a great deal and if he had been willing to work on things, we could have ironed out our problems. But he wasn't and we didn't and now I am a great deal happier without him while he is suffering from clinical depression. I suspect you are right - there is a bit of ego here with your husband. He needs to get a grip. I also think you should give this woman a piece of your mind and tell her, in no uncertain terms, to stay the Hell away from your husband. If she needs a man, find her own and stop trying to break up your family. I think you need to do this because you say you always take the point of no resistance. Well, it is time you turned and made sure your husband knows that he cannot get away with this crap.

As for my ex, I feel sorry for him but only because our son is concerned about his dad. Ultimately, I hope he is exceedingly miserable and stays in that place for a long time. Only then will he learn not to take any future partner for granted or treat them as badly as he treated me. If you want to know about my relationship with my ex, do a search for my previous posts. I think you will find them an eye opener.


Helen

[tammy]

Of course you are 'worthy', dont ever think otherwise he is the one who is probably not worthy. Being a mother is the best career you can have in my opinion. My husband did the same as yours, wouldnt have a bad word to say about her she was innocent however he never blamed me either just himself. She played on his guilt for months after phoning him sad and he would listen despite me telling him, he was confussed about his feelings for a long time and that was hard to watch.I wanted him to put an end to the calls but at first he said he didnt want to upset her - but what about me?
I agree with you, contacting her now after hes been back 5 months is just going to bring her back where she isnt wanted. In a way you won she lost you were the better one not her. If you want to rebuild your marriage you cant do it with her in the picture and contacting her is going to stir things up. However if she butts in then as far as i'm concerned its gloves off and she deserves any grief she gets from you. As for your friend everyone makes mistakes but she ended it, stayed out and is sorry and thats got to count for something

[Annie2]

Helen,
You have quite a story! I'm glad for you that you can hold your head up now!
I feel sorry for my husband because like yours he was blind. How he fell for someone who had no successful relationship, no responsibilities and no shame I will never understand. He believes she was sorry for all the hurt she caused. Yet she was angry when he told I was going to name her in the divorce. Sorry, yet angry at having to face up to responsibility. She was sorry for something she had absolutely no idea about. No children of her own she didn't have a clue about their sleepless nights, crying for daddy, wet beds, insecurity and the school having to call me because they were worried mummy might leave them too. She had no idea what it was like to be in a long relationship with someone, to trust them with all of you, give them all of you and more, share children, miscarriages, and all that life throws at you. She had no idea what that was like to have it thrown back in your face with 'do we actually have anything in common' or '...she even picks her feet like me'.
It's the fact that everyone who is someone in his life, his mother, father, step-father, me and the children have received blame for what we have done to him or pain or distress we have caused him. We are held accountable. She because she only gave him 'understanding', 'support', 'yeehah' feelings and of course all that fantastic sex, is so blameless to him. It doesn't mean anything to him the pain and hurt she helped to cause to his family. It doesn't mean that much or he would have been angry with her too, he would have ended it screaming at her like he did with me. The loyalty to the 'good' feelings and the blame at the 'bad'. She of course was incapable of giving bad feelings, why else would he have struggled to give her up, even suggesting they could remain friends.
This is what I have to somehow understand, somehow find a way of living with. My husband's lack of anger at her, and therefore is lack of support or care to those she hurt (just me and his children) is what keeps me stuck here thinking about her. I don't for one minute think she is better than me but when I want to move on with my husband believing that I am the most important thing, its hard to believe when he doesn't seem to bother about those that hurt me. He would say that he just wants to concentrate on 'us' and the 'present' but I disagree there is no future while the past is still with us. His lack of support or understanding about this is still here today. He just doesn't feel angry at her or any negative feeling or it would have been shown by now.

[Annie2]

Thank you Tammy, I just read your reply when I had finnished mine. I think I know that any contact with give her attention she doesn't deserve, she deserves nothing and no invitation back into my life (not that she had one in the first place).
My husband was worried about upsetting her (like yours). How is it they feel so able to upset us? Why do they have this loyalty and respect for slappers yet very little for us who have done nothing but love and support them through all of their rubbish and good moments. She never had to put up with his bad moods, selfish moments, hangover sickness, illnesses, unemployment yet he gave her more respect and consideration. I'm working through 'his' mess, in counselling and often depressed yet I still get the odd insult or sigh flung at me. I am sure she was never called names by him, never insulted or made to feel small or stupid. In fact he probably has started her off on going for married men (if she hadn't already) because she was made to feel so worthy and wanted.
Oh dear how misguided in life some people are.