Back in a dark place again what should I do ?

[Dell Boy]

Hi There,

I'm back again, thought I had moved on but would like advice and guidance please.

History

1993 Married after 7 year courtship
1998 Wife has affair and moves in with lover
2001 Wife leaves lover and comes back to me
2005 Wife starts affair with another man
2006 June - affair ends
2006 Misbehaving again

Current status

I'll go back to June of this year, I discovered that my wife was playing around again, she had been in a year long affair with another man, I confronted her with this but she denied it, without any firm evidence I let it drop, anyway, things seemed OK until last week. On Friday she went out with her friends, "girls night out ", no problem with that, I dropped the pair of them off at their destination, nothing wrong with that only that they were meeting up with some guys that come into the pub where my wifer works since it was one of the men's birthdays.Now, the girl who my wife went out with is a friend to both of us, although my wife does not know she is my chief informant.the guy whose bithday it was suggested to my wife that he book a hotel for the night, apparently he has fancied her for the past four years, they did'nt do it. Now, when my wife was seeing the last guy I thought it was someone completly different, lets call him Mark for arguments sake, now it appears I was'nt far wrong, it's Mark she is now in Love with, she still has some feelings for the other guy she was seeing but my informant does not think my wife will go back to him, thats in the past now. When me and my wife has our confrontation in the summer, two nights later she stayed out again all night, claimed to be somewhere else but she stayed round this Mark's house, nothing happened apparently. Furthermore our friend thinks that my wife thinks that every man fancies her and that any man who shows her a thread of interest/affection is easy game. She is pretty mch out of control at present. She was drunk the other night and was using the fact I said to one of her friends who works in the pub and who she uses as an excuse " not to keep her out all night ", the friend blushed when I said this and I got a slagging off for daring to speak to her friiend in this way. Also our friend tells me my wife thinks I'm gutless and wont do anything about the affairs.

So, I'm thinking, if she is love with this Mark guy something is bound to happen, apparently they have spoken about becoming lovers but he does not want to be the one to say yes, he lives with his long term girlfriend.
Now, if I wait a couple of weeks I can confront them, Iknow where he lives, he has a small house just round the corner from us, which is not his main residence. If she thinks that little of me thenI will act on it this time and show her I'm not that gutless. Now, when I catch them, we split up for sure, divorce, but he getss off with it, should his girlfriend be aware of whats going on, I dont know her or should I leave this alone.

Thanks

Dell Boy.

[Mike56]

Dell Boy - I feel for you, and I'm probably not the best person to advise - but my first reaction was "why"?? As in "why stay / put up with it?"

I also accept others will say the same of me, but while I'm viewing my situation as maintining contact to possibly see if we can develop afresh, you seem to be in a cycle of hurt here.

Someone else reminded me of this, the Serenity Prayer - and for me it helps.

Lord, help me to change the things I can change; to accept the things I cannot change, and grant me the wisdom to know the difference"

Is she insecure in herself and needing to be fancied to make herself feel valued?

Mike.

[Indi]

Like Mike says you are running in the circle of hurt. You have to have some confidence in yourself and ask her to F*** off. How long do you want to take this? No partner would take the treatment you are taking.

I think the next time you catch them, let the other guys GF know and file for a divorce. Mention the guys name in the divorce and i am sure she will come begging to you. She takes you for granted and does not love you, coz no woman in this world likes a man who is week. You look definately weeker than her and she is using that against you. Its about time you show her some strength and faith in yourself.

Mike

I think in your case we are dealing with someone who is confused. Alice is going through a different phase so i would not relate your issue to this one. By the way i am happy you had a great time bowling and meeting someone.

Best
Indi

[Mike56]

Oh yes! Both on the strength/faith and "confusion" points.

And thanks - Mike.

[heartbrokensusie]

Gosh, I really feel for you. I'm maybe not the best person giving advice at this time in my life, but I have to say that if my husband strayed again I would have to tell him to get on his bike in no uncertain terms!
It would seem to me that your wife is very unhappy if she feels that she needs to gain attention from other males on a regular basis. Have you sat down and discussed this issue with her in depth?
From the details you have given, it appears that she is wearing the trousers so to speak and does what she wants when she wants with no regard for your feelings whatsoever. I believe that it is time for you to tell her that you are no longer going to put up with this.......and MEAN it!!
The best of luck my friend, my heart goes out to you xx

[Dell Boy]

Hi Indi and Mike,

Thanks for the replies, yes I realise I'm weak but the problem I have is that I still love this woman, I know you're going to say how can you but I cannot turn my feelings on and off like a tap, although you'll see revenge is very close to the top of the pile here, I'm not the sort of guy who will get phyisical, I dont hit women, or men however I'm now thinking well, if you think that little of me and treat me this badly what difference will it make when I confront the pair of them.

I'm never bothered what people of think of me, I have seen enough of misery, death and mis treatment in my life not to get upset at certain things but the whole pub where she works is aware of her behaviour, the common view is that she is " easy".

By catching her out I'm giving up 20 years of my life, including effort, finance, love, pain, all those things but it does look at though I'm the last person in this marriage. I'm staggered that I could ever be treated this way again, I know from what people tell me I'm a nice guy, easy going, loving, careing, generous, helpful round the house, good looking and not all slobbish, I do look after myself(anyone want to marry me ? ), I guess we all ask ourselves why me, no answer to that I'm afraid. I'll be upset when its over for sure, maybe since June I have just been treading water.

Thanks

Dell Boy

[Kimberley]

We are all treading water my friend until we can move on. I left in May but still have feelings even though I know in my head it is hopeless. I have also looked in the mirror am I ugly, am I fat, did I turn him off, did I not cook, clean, provide etc. etc. I often wanted to know why he did it but sometimes you have to let go they do it because they want to and there is nothing wrong with you or me. We will in turn find someone worth our time its not easy but we will get there.

I have lost some much confidence and dont think it will ever fully come back and sometimes think I have lost my smile dont know whether you sometimes feel that 2? It all takes time but dont let her walk all over you the one thing apart from my children that keeps me strong is that I dont go to work crying, cry all day at work, and cry all the way home any more and thats what the end was like for me. Anything is better than that.

I do feel lonely but there is peace of mind - I can lock the house and know that no one is in it who can belittle me and make me miserable. Try to think of some positives to moving on instead of looking back.

Keep posting hope this wasnt complete dribble!
Kimberley X

[Ginger God]

Dell mate................hook her not literally but get rid of her.
It is a year since I legally separated, I am fine, kids are fine, life is great, I dont have to look over my shoulder anymore and it is incredibly liberating.
I am going to post again on how life is post separation.
You are far too good for her, if you dont call a halt she will continue to walk all over you.

Graham

[Helen]

Dellboy,

I am confused! I thought you were booting this woman out? What happened? I am not going to say 'I told you so' but if you recall I said that most women don't want a doormat - when it comes to other men, they want an alpha male who will fight to keep other males away from them. Your wife's view that you are a wimp who won't do anything about the affair is, I regret to say, backed up by history. She left you for 3 years, spent all that time sleeping with someone else then she came back; she cheated again a year or so later and then presumably said she wanted to stay with you. And now she is at it again. Your wife has lost all respect for you hence all the affairs and I suspect, despite your words, that you won't do anything about it. You haven't done anything about her previous affairs, after all so why change your habits now? I am sure this is the way she is viewing it.

You said you were going to limit her financial support. Did you ever do this? And how can you love someone blindly when they treat you like dirt? I don't understand what is going on here. I don't understand why you are putting up with her actions. I don't think you should do anything that would make her think you would fight for her. She is not worth it. I think your choices are simple: you either put up with her crap and accept that she is a serial cheat or you tell her to f*** off out of your life and sleep with all the men she seems to want more than you. And then make your parting permanent.


Helen

[Annie2]

Dellboy, I am speachless! I can't believe everything I have just read. Just how much more can you take. Having had it done once and still in the healing process I wonder how you have ever managed to catch your breath. I really think you need to start healing you first and then review what you are going to do. I suspect you haven't had much time to actually think about you for a few years since she has been taking up centre stage.
I can really identify with Heartbrokensusie and I wonder if that is how you feel too. You seem to know your wife and her behaviour yet maybe you will surprise yourself when you get to know yourself without her a bit better. I wish you the very best, look after yourself.