What to do?

[jojo58]

:( After over 20 years of a happy marriage( my husband agrees), we hit our first bad patch in April this year ,
we even had counselling in the last couple of months.
After me asking outright before we started counselling
whether he was having an affair with a specific women, he reassured me this was not the case, so we started the counselling process. I have just found out he lied to me and betrayed me by having an affair which started at the time we started counselling. The women has gone back to her husband, and my husband although he says he wants us to try again does not seem very comvincing. With this affair he has also betrayed my teenage children, as this is the mother of their lifelong best friend.
I loved my husband deeply and miss him, but how can I believe he wants to return for my sake and not while the other woman went back to her husband?

[callow]

Hi Jojo

I too have been betrayed by a husband that insisted that there was no one else. It was mainly him saying it to me, not after my asking. That was suspicious enough. He protested too much.

He told me he didn't love me anymore in March 2005 and it was only in August this year that he told me about the affair. He still lies as he says it only started late last year. I know from putting all the pieces together that it probably started early last year. She has now broken it off with him and he still wants to be single.

Do your children know about the affair? If it is over perhaps it is best not to say anything.

Even if my husband wanted to come back I don't know if I would ever trust him again. I still can not believe that he had an affair. It is not his character at all. Do you think you could trust your husband again?

My husband has all the classic signs of "Mid Life Crisis". He has become a teenager again. He has brought a boat he hardly ever uses, changed his clothing style, totally financially irresponsible and has basically become someone I don't want to spend my time with. Just before I met him he was like this apparently but became bankrupt so that put the dampers on things. I think he is not able to come to terms with growing old. Is your husband still looking for excitement?

I have no idea what will happen in the future, I realize looking back that he was emotionally abusive for a lot of our marriage, not all the time but at the times it mattered to me.

You ask "What to do?". This is really a time to take stock of your life and see what you want for yourself. There will be a lot of soul searching and you will grow spiritually.

All the best

Sally

[jojo58]

Dear Sally
Thanks for your reply. I do believe my husband is having a mid life crisis. He is not the person I knew for 25 years. He was always kind,considerate, helpful and supportful, and I could have not wished for a more lovely husband. Thats why I am in deep shock.He is very frightened of getting old. His 50 birthday is next year. Talking to everyone he was always this lovely man except now. He has accepted he is in a crisis and accepts he needs help. He just wants to be pampered and take no responsibility for anything, or live a normal daily life. I just wish he had not tried to get help from this other woman. I still feel that even though he says he will break the relationship, he will be in withdrawl from her support, and will seek it out again and again, since she has not lost her husband or family, and is happy to go in this state.
What do I want is the same loving husband back, but although we have said we will try again, he expects me and the children to change and I just feel he still doesn't accept how I feel.
I am also worried that in the end I will be brought to his level and find comfort elsewhere, as I cannot trust him.
The children know of his betrayal not only of me but of them.

Bye Jojo:(