Husband's affair has hurt me deeply!

[heartbrokensusie]

hi everyone, I'm in desperate need of some sound objective advice. I have been married for 14 years.
My husband had an affair 5 years ago, that lasted a couple of months. I have known about this for the past 3 months. At the time we were going through an incredibly difficult period. I was at university and totally engrossed in my studies. One of my daughters had just left home and another was in and out of hospital. Unfortunately I lost sight of my marriage and my husband was at the bottom of the pile of priorities. I left him 4 months ago as the thought of living in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life was unbearable. When I returned home we decided to make a real attempt to save our marriage. Both of us have made a real effort and things have been brilliant between us. We have rediscovered the love we had for each other. I have always trusted my husband and finding out about this affair has crucified me. He has been open and honest about what happened and answered every question I have asked. It happened at a time where I displayed little affection for him and he felt flattered by this lady who gave him attention. I know this happened a long time ago and for him it is buried in the past, but for me who has only been aware a short period of time, it is raw and hurts like hell. I am trying really hard to get through this and would be grateful for any advice given. Thanx

[Mike56]

Hi - I have some idea of how you must be feeling - it hurts, but it does get better.

Some things jump out at me from your post:


I lost sight of my marriage and my husband was at the bottom of the pile of priorities. I left him 4 months ago as the thought of living in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life was unbearableand then:

we decided to make a real attempt to save our marriage. Both of us have made a real effort and things have been brilliant between us. We have rediscovered the love we had for each other.Interesting - the first ref is all about "I" - and in the second you talk about "both" and "we"! And those words "brilliant" and "rediscovered the love". You lucky people.

And then there's this:

He has been open and honest about what happened and answered every question I have asked. It happened at a time where I displayed little affection for him and he felt flattered by this lady who gave him attentionJust looking in from outside, you seem to be with a man who loves you and you love him. It's past, you know why it happened (!!) and there is an openness and honesty to allow you to build on what you have.

Use the pain to remind yourself of what you both so very nearly lost, and make plans to not let it happen again.

best of luck - Mike.

[Kimberley]

Dont beat yourself up about it being the past it is new news to you. I am glad you are making a go of it and starting a fresh. We are all guilty of neglecting our partners at given times when lives are busy with work, college and children. The fact that he stayed on and the affair finished shows his commitment to you and your marriage. With regards to details I went down that route and wished I hadnt because it hurt more.

I hope all goes well it will take time to heal

Kimberley

[Ginger God]

To be honest Susie.....he seems to be doing and to have done EVERYTHING that someone who cheats should do. In a perverse kind of way you are extremely lucky.
I wish my wife had done the same thing rather force me down the road I had to go.
Yes it will hurt like hell but if things continue to go the way they are going with you then I would think that things will get better.
But please remember you cant change what happened.

Graham;)

[Indi]

Like everyone here is saying we are all going through difficult times. I have not seen many marriages bounce back, though everyone is/has been optimistic. After ages i hear a success story, so do not let the past ruin what you have.

Think it like it happened before you got married and this is your new life. If this is good marriage then let this be your first. Things happen and sometimes they happen for good.

Have a great time and we pray for your life long happy married life.

Indi

PS:- If ever there is a fight, do not bring it up. It will spoil everything and give credit to you husband for being faithful.

[Indi]

Forgot to add its easy to break and hard to maintain a happy marriage.......

[heartbrokensusie]

Thanx all for advice given. There is a little more to this story and I feel as if I'm being paranoid! The reason I found out about the affair or rather had an inclin is that my husband had confided in someone from friends reunited and I read the email. Since I found out there had been no contact between the two of them. However last week she emailed him to see how we all were. To be perfectly frank with you I wish she would just leave us to sort our relationship out, but my husband doesn't seem to see my concern as she has acted as what seems to be agony aunt for the last few months. Am I being totally silly about this? I'm just petrified of losing him after what has happened. She is a long lost friend from senior school by the way.

[Ginger God]

Thanx all for advice given. There is a little more to this story and I feel as if I'm being paranoid! The reason I found out about the affair or rather had an inclin is that my husband had confided in someone from friends reunited and I read the email. Since I found out there had been no contact between the two of them. However last week she emailed him to see how we all were. To be perfectly frank with you I wish she would just leave us to sort our relationship out, but my husband doesn't seem to see my concern as she has acted as what seems to be agony aunt for the last few months. Am I being totally silly about this? I'm just petrified of losing him after what has happened. She is a long lost friend from senior school by the way.

Does this mean you are checking his e mails or did he tell you she had e mailled?
Unfortunately checking up on him aint going to make things better although the urge to do it is incredible.
Is she married? Sorry but if she is get yourself round to her door and tell her in no uncertain terms that you will knock her head off if she even breathes in your husbands vicinity. If her husband didnt know by then then at least he will now if he is at home.:eek:
Unconventional? Yes but shock tactics tend to work, just be big and stand up for what you want.
I did but it split us up because she was incapable of making a decision.

[heartbrokensusie]

Gingergod. I think you have the wrong end of the stick! The woman who has emailed my husband is not the one he had the affair with. He has just confided in her about the affair! Then one who has emailed him lives the other end of the country and was an old friend from school. I still wish she would disappear though!!! Hope this makes more sense

[heartbrokensusie]

What is getting to me is the fact that she has just split up from her boyfriend. I know her phone number shall I ring her and if so what do I say. She acts all nicey nicey when she emails my husband, but I just don't trust her........don't know if it is because of what has happened before. Help!

[jools]

Dear Susie
You have every right to be paranoid and cautious about this woman. If it's in the past why does he feel the need to share these confidences with her? And now that everything (hopefully) is in the open with you and your H he should have no further need for her agony aunt services. YOU should be his confidante now. Men opening their hearts emotionally to women is a dangerous area. Get rid of her if you can.
Jools. X
PS) You say you don't trust her ...then trust your instincts. Paranoia is often just our instincts talking to us, and we should listen!
________
Free amateur stream (http://www.****tube.com/)

[Ginger God]

Aw jings!!!!! Read things in a bit of a rush.
Jools is right though...be concerned.
All the best.

Graham

[helenrw200]

Susie

I'm afraid I agree and I don't think it's paranoia. Whilst it's perfectly possible for a man and a woman to be friends and share problems, it is never ok to do so behind a partner's back. As the wife who found out about her husband's affair you are quite rightly going to be upset and angry, while this confidante on the other hand can be sympathetic and calm.

It doesn't matter how long ago this affair happened ( and in some ways that can make you feel worse as you know you've been living with it for 5 years unkowingly ) what matters is it's new to you and therefore feels as though it happened yesterday. You now need time to come to terms with it and your H needs to understand that, and not go running for comfort to an old scool friend.

His affair is in no way justified by the things that were happening around that time. Having an affair is not a way to solve a problem, marriages go through rough patches, life gets in the way sometimes when we're busy and we're all guilty of not giving enough attention to our loved ones at times, but we don't all go running off to find someone else.

You could ring this woman and politely ask her to stay out of your business but to be honest I think you would be better to tackle your H about it and tell him you feel hurt that he feels he can't confide in you.

Take care.

Helen

[heartbrokensusie]

Hello my friends!
Many thanks to you all for your words of wisdom. Sometimes I can become clouded with so many thoughts that I lose sense of reality!!
Yesterday I felt so physically and mentally sick over this whole situation that I had to phone in sick.......VERY unlike me!
I decided to take the opportunity to tell H exactly how the communication between him and this 'long lost friend' was affecting me, and managed to do so in a calm non judgemental way. It would have been so easy to have phoned the woman myself, but felt that this really was up to my H. He told me that communication with her began and continued when we were bearly talking to each other (which is true).......To cut a long story short he is going to sever all contact with her. I haven't had to beg, I haven't had to plead.I honestly don't think he realised the extent of my grief!! We then went to bed and the rest.........well you dont need to know about that!!!
In answer to your question Graham, no I have not been snooping into my H's emails. Every so often I would ask him if he had heard from her. When I asked him a few days ago he said that she had emailed him the previous day. I don't think he would have told me if I hadn't asked him. Not because he is secretive, but because he is worried about my response.
Anyway, today is a new day. I refuse to mope around and worry all day, so I'm going to do some well overdue housework.........eeeeeeeeeek. Wish me luck as I have my first counselling session tonight. Something I didn't think I would need, but how very wrong I was!:o

[helenrw200]

Hi Susie

I'm so glad that things are working out for you and that you're feeling better.

Have fun with the housework ( I'll be doing the same today sighhhh ! )and good luck with your counselling session.

Take care.

Helen