Concerned about ex

[Helen]

Call me mad but I am concerned about my ex husband. I mentioned that he was depressed earlier this year. Well, at the moment, all he seems to do is sleep and he has been ill several times recently. So far this year he has had the flu three times; he also has stomach problems that do not seem to be getting better. And he is stick thin yet his face is a very ruddy colour. I suspect it's down to poor nutrition. His mother isn't a great cook and I know they exist on ready meals, something which I never fed my ex.

Truth be told I am only concerned because our son is. I understand from my son that his father is always at home these days (my son visits him more frequently now) - I suspect, from this, that his relationship with the other woman has ended. I also suspect this because the other woman has started calling my brother again to enquire about his welfare (not that he has much to say to her!). She has also put on a ton more weight. All in all, I am getting a picture of two very miserable people although I have not asked any questions. Indeed, I have not spoken to my ex for more than 5 months. I am not kidding myself that he is pining for me. I did suggest to my son that he buy his father some vitamin pills. I am not sure what else to suggest or do.

Am I mad to give a rat's behind about this man?


Helen

PS: No, I am absolutely NOT contemplating taking him back!

[Desperate]

No Helen, you're just a compassionate person.

Despite what your ex did. I think the vast majority of us that have been on the receiving end of an affair feel the anger and bitterness of betrayal for a long time. I'm certain that, deep down, most of us want revenge (call it justice if it sounds better) We want to hear that the other relationship has collapsed, that there are problems, that they are unhappy, that their lives are ruined.

But you once loved this man. No matter what he has done, there was a time you did! And that's in your heart, deep, deep down, so hearing that he is unwell, looks to be in a bad state....that news taps on some emotions that you buried real deep inside after the betrayal and everything that went with it. It does not detract, however, from what he has done and nor should it ever.

[Kimberley]

Hi Helen

I know what you mean exactly I am still very found of my ex husband he has a new partner and we speak most days because we work hard together for our children. I still worry if he is poorly or something is affecting his happiness because after all it will eventually affect their happiness. In our marriage we stopped talking and now we often do strange.

The other thing if your ex was very poorly the burden of parental responsibility will go to you as a whole and that is also a concern. You mention in a previous post to me he helped you with regards to a washing machine I believe so why dont you just in speaking about your Son in general ask about his health.

Rats always play on your mind more than the nice ones who usual bore me stupid!! After all mine has done I felt sorry for him because he looked so miserable when I saw him with her if you loved someone I believe a bit of it will always be there especially if you spent many years together and had children.

Hope to hear from you soon my friend

Kimberley X

[Ginger God]

Hi Helen....

No you are not wrong to have these thoughts. Although its now been a year with me when she comes on the phone all nice to me and chatting as if nothing happeneed then it does make you think.
What you always have to remember is that kids need both their parents to be fit and well.
And No! I would never take her back.

Graham

[Indi]

I am sure if you were not feeling well your husband would be with you in a jiffy. Its not out of guilt but out of love for you. Try to forgive, go and see how he is feeling. It could be for all the good time and love you had before. It was not hatred all the time.

I am talking out of experience. My mother found out about my father cheating her. She was 28 and had 3 kids (2 died) to support. She moved out and my father married again. She did not take any financial support and brought us up on her own. Now after 24 years when all of us have grown she saw my father again My mother did forgive my father (she still communicates the minimum and says she does not know what to talk to him) though she has not taken him back and does not want to. She thinks he should stay where he is and that is the best for all of us. He still lives with his wife but the respect he has for my mother is way too much.

I respect my mother for getting rid of all the bitterness (though it never goes off completely) and she is placed very high in my life and of my siblings.

Like i said go and find out how your husband is and give him some support. One day we will all die but it should not go in vain. Think of the previous good life and just enquire. You have shown him how strong you are and did not take any s**t but now is the time to show what a wonderful person you are. You might infuse fresh life in him by just speaking to him. Trust me you can do that and you will be amazed at how much control you have over him.

I pray God give you the strength to do that……

Indi

[jools]

Hi Helen
Strangely enough i'm battling such feelings this week. My H has been promising money that isn't forthcoming - and because I still check all his mail I know that he probably doesn't have any and is badly in debt. He doesn't even have the petrol money to pick the kids up for school (not that they need him to, but it was his way of seeing them). And how do I feel? Not self satisfied that I'm ok and managing fine without having to pay his debts - I actually worry about him! I wonder if and how he's eating. Crazy! A part of me even thinks that if he was at home I could look after him. So yes, I know how you feel.
Jools XXX
________
Redhead Webcams (http://www.girlcamfriend.com/webcam/redhead-girls/)

[Helen]

I am sure if you were not feeling well your husband would be with you in a jiffy. Its not out of guilt but out of love for you.Indi,

Funnily enough, I was diagnosed with a serious illness earlier this year and my ex was not there for me at any point. My son was in Germany, on his gap year at the time, so I was all alone and I almost died of thyroid storm 3 times. I played down my illness when speaking to my son because I did not want him to worry; nor did I want him to come home early. My specialist believes my illness was brought on by prolonged emotional stress (our marriage was dying for 3 years before we finally split and I developed chronic insomnia for the last two years) and malnutrition (because I barely ate for 6 months after I parted from my ex, never slept and ran myself ragged worrying about money and all sorts of things). Yet my ex's mother refuses to accept that I became ill as a result of her precious son's actions. You need to understand - my ex did not cheat with some nameless, faceless woman. He cheated with my brother's wife. To call her a buffalo is to be charitable. He made me feel like dirt. But he also made it impossible for us to ever reconcile, no matter what fantasies I had in those early days.

His guilty conscience has only kicked in of late and, I think, only because he is no longer in the fog he was with when he was with this woman. I think my illness was also hammered home to him when I bumped to him in the supermarket with my 'old lady' trolley (a 4 wheeler). My illness left me too weak to carry things plus I kept falling over. He offered me a lift home and I turned him down. I would have rather crawled home on my knees than accept his help at that point. A couple of weeks after seeing me, he sent our son home with some money for me - the first he had given me, because he never paid me any maintenance for his son and all the savings, shares and ISAS were mine. Lately, I have been making strides with my career, health and at home and this has coincided with a downturn in his own fortunes. Maybe seeing me picking myself up and getting on with my life reminds him of what he has lost - who knows?

Indi - being honest, I am not worried about having my ex in my life. Anything we had between us is over. He has all but killed my love although I do not look at him and see a pig. I see a man I once loved and have to treat with respect because he is my son's father. But that's it.


Helen

[Helen]

Hi all,

Thanks for your posts. I just wanted some reassurance, I guess. Funnily enough, I bought some vitamins over the net from a site called simplysupplements and I am going to send my son round to his dads with a tub at the weekend. Hopefully, he will take them and start to feel better soon. As for going round and seeing him/taking care of him? Nah, I won't do that. He has a life to get on with, as do I and I for one intend getting on with mine!


Helen