What can I do to stop him?

[Amy]

I really need some advice.
I am a 30 yr old married mother of one three year old girl. I have been married for 9 years and me and hubby were having a great marriage, very much in love...Until, he literally bumped into the ex love of his life when were out shopping. He never told me about her before but they broke up after Uni, she was the only girl he ever loved and they left everything hanging and never saw each other again. He has admitted he would have married her if he had had the chance - ours was an arranged marriage. I agreed to let him meet with her once to resolve issues they had (apparently they had a fight (he slapped her across the face) - I trusted him completely as he insisted he loved me and that he was just her friend. She is married with four kids.
Today I have found out that he has been secretly keeping in touch with her. I have noticed that since he met her he has been mentioning her name a lot, started smoking again and always telling me that I'm really good to him. I asked my hubby lots of times if he was was still contacting her but he denied it and I have made clear that if he was still chatting to her I'd be very angry and hurt. I have since 'known' that something was going on but am still shocked by this! I asked him (for thr hundreth time) again yesterday if he was still in contact with her and to my surprise he said YES! I changed the subject quickly and have not yet confronted him as I just don't know what to do.
My first instinct is to vent my anger at the woman. I know her name and she works for same organisation as me but at a different location though I have never (yet!) met her. However, I am livid at my hubby lying to me ( he lies alot) but want to save my marriage. I have thought of leaving him but can't even threaten him with that as I could never go through with it.
What should I do?

[Very confused]

I am so sorry that you are having what sounds like a very stressful time at the moment. The shock of discovering that he had been in contact must have been unbearable. I think you need the truth and you need answers as to why he has been lying to you. Despite being so angry, the best thing you can do for yourself is to show him you are willing to listen. If he feels under attack he will clam up and lie again to you. Maybe you should sit down with him tell him what you think, feel and what you want to know. If you can do this calmly then he might be able to give you some answers. You have done amazingly well to trust your instincts so far and you must keep doing so. When someone we trust and love lies it is hard to trust yourself over them because we so desperately look for happy or alternative reasons as to why they are lying.
My husband had an affair and when I found out I was desperate to meet the other woman. I wanted to see what she looked like, find out how she could have done this to me. If your husband has been having an affair (which you don't yet know) then she is nothing to you because you mean nothing to her. I have never met my husband's t£$t and I don't want to. It is your husband you need to sort things out with. Whatever the reasons he has been in contact with her for is between him and her, but you do have a right to know. He has been lying and it's damaging your marriage (what should be the most important relationship to him) you have the right to know why he is doing that. Whatever has been said between them or done between them they have made their business. Nothing can be achieved by having it out with her, you will only end up more hurt. I wish you all the luck in the world and I really hope things will work out for you.:)

[Amy]

Thanks 'Very confused'. I really appreciate your helpful advice as I don't have anyone to talk to at the moment.

I will try and talk to him and get some answers.

Thank You!