I am lost

[bigmistake]

Where to start??? Married 20 years 3 girls and I think I'm about to loose it all. We have had a crazy marriage at times. Both stubborn people. Well its been real tough latley, I have always threaten to leave several times and she has fought it calling on the cell crying say no no no and me just being a real jerk knowing I'll come back... Well she finally called my bluff and let me leave. What a big mistake I made. She was telling me after we had some issues that she was not going to fix it anymore and we drifted thats when I decided I'd spark her to fix it again I guess (backfire)... Anyway know that I have left the house she refuses to talk about anything about US, does not want to seem to repair it and I am going crazy because I realize I messed up bad.. She wont let me come back and will not talk about anything at all. I have emailed her a couple times and also talked to her today and she said just leave her alone. Have I lost her??? Hope not. Any advise out there??

[Shasta]

I know where you are . . . I have left more than once in my marriage and he lets me leave it always ends up with me showing up in a week crying "why didn't you come after me- Don't you care at all” He assures me that he does but that if he couldn't make me happy that he wouldn't stop me (still not sure if I buy that?)

My point is I guess that you shouldn't leave unless that’s actually what you want (I know-Sometimes you don't actually know what you want) You can always go my route and return home put your suitcases down in the hall, make yourself a sandwich, turn on the TV, and inform her that you've changed your mind and you won't be leaving. :)

[Desperate]

Bigmistake, have you left her before during your marriage, or threatened to? On this occassion, did you leave simply to leave, or did you leave for another woman (an affair). Are you children old enough to be self-sufficient or are they still at school etc? Would help understanding a little more to give any advice that might be worth something.

[bigmistake]

Desperate,

I have never left before. Just threaten to. No other woman. I left because things have been strained for awhile ( couple months) and was hoping it might spark some communication (wrong). Kids are 13 and 10. Looking for advise as to weather anyone has been in this type of situation. She said she does not want to talk about it and wont give any indication as to even if she ever will talk about it (time frame) nothing at all. Hoping to here there is hope even though she wont indicate anything at all.
Is this hope or is she being nice ( she has always been a loving caring person) I dropped the kids off the other night out the house and I asked her for a hug and she gave me one. The other day I talked to her on the phone and tryed to talk about us and she would just get real upset and almost mad that I wanted to talk. I will admit it I pleaded with her and she just got more upset then I said ok and we hung up. She called me later that night and asked me how I was doing.... Is there hope???

Thanks for any adive

[Desperate]

There is always hope.

My circumstances are different, so will try not to give you advice that may be ill-concieved.

First thing - you are naturally very worried about the situation. Upset, anxious, scared, hurt...stomache pains, loss of appetite, can't focus too much on your life, job..possibly sleepless nights?

The natural thing is to fight back, to try and save your relationship and your family unit... by calling, visiting, texting, pleading...possibly showing desperation. In doing so, you may inadvertently push her further away - in fact, almost certainly so. You need to get a strategy in place now before your emotions cloud your vision and judgement. A good strategy is no guarantee that your wife will relent, but it stands a far better chance of success than trying to play on her emotions by showing her yours. All you do then is show weekness. Yes, it sounds strange, she's your wife, best friend, mother of your children and you have been together a very long time. So how can she think you are lacking fibre by displaying these emotions - she's your wife of 20 years, you love her?? That is how the human mind (male & female) tends to work, I'm afraid.

On page 5 of the posting entitled "views/thoughts please", you will see a few of my postings where I suggested part of a strategy to assist that gentleman concerned. I would suggest that you model your strategy along similar grounds. Just take yourself out of your position and try and view your life as if you were a complete stranger looking in. Put the emotions and feelings into a box for 20 minutes and then think of the strategy you feel is best - the one that will achieve the result you are after. You will see that by doing this, the strategy that works best is almost certainly the one you don't want to follow. (quoted off pg 5)

I know right now you are confused and full of questions as to why your wife is behaving this way. You don't have the answers right now and you probably won't get them in the short term. So focus on strategy 1st. Then once you have one, you can set about trying to identify the real cause, or causes for your wifes behaviour.

My personal experience and what I have seen throughout my life is that, generally, a wife will not end, or leave a marriage unless there is a 3rd party involved. (or the hubby is a drunk/abuser etc). You need to rule this possibility out. I never, ever would have believed my wife would do the dirty on me. But she did. So rule that out - and don't let your wife cotton on to whatever it is you do to find out.

Also bear in mind that, as you have children, any thoughts your wife may have of ending the marriage will not be taken lighlty. It's a huge decision. She has to consider not just her own feelings but those of your children. There are so many factors that need consideration. I have never heard of a wife of 20 years odd, with children, leaving a marriage unless.....My wife left me for a man who has been married for 20 years, with 3 kids. He still is married but heading for divorse, as am I. She worked/works with him.

Key phrases to watch out for...."we have drifted apart", "we have reached a cross roads" etc...these suggest a possible 3rd party. It is not uncommon for an "exit affair" to occur when a relationship has been strained for some time. But please don't read too much into all of this, I just feel you should be aware that it is a possibility.

Have you tried any marriage counceling? It seems, reading between the lines, that you share a common marital issue - poor communications. A good councelor (Relate) can assist in opening up communications between both parties, and in doing so, possibly identify the route causes of the strained relationship and how your wife truly feels right now - and why. She may be adverse to this idea if she feels you are pushing her. So build into your strategy a way of making marriage counceling "her idea". It's just a thought, but if marriage counceling is an option, grab it with both hands!!

Won't post too much more this evening but hope I've helped just a little. Please come back and let us know how things are developing and how you are coping. We are all here for similar reasons and all here to help if we can. Take care.

[Indi]

I think Sean is quite right in pointing out the facts to you. My wife left out of the blues on a small fight. I have tried to find out if there is a third party involved. Until now i have not had a solid proof but it is hard to believe that she does not want to live with me any more. There has to be a strong reason for that action.
I have tried all the usual things a man would do to win his wife back. Met her said sorry to her (for do not know what and where was i wrong) etc. It all backfired as she was more determined not to speak to me.

Now i have back tracked and from last almost 4 weeks i did not call or try to get in touch. (she has been away for more than 7 weeks now). At the moment there is a complete silence on both the sides. We both look at each other suspiciously and every day i look through my post to find divorce papers. Nothing has happened. Keeping cool and away from her has helped me to get my act together. I do miss my son and it hurts some time but i think the silence is the biggest solution in these cases. As mentioned it is not easy for a woman to end her marriage when the children are involved. The more you bend down the more she will hate you for it. You have to keep your head high and let her sort her mess up. It does affect both of you but she is the one who has the key to the mess now. Let her be in control of everyone’s life and see how far she can run it.

If she thinks she can have better life without you then it is no use chasing her. She will make it miserable when she comes back. Try getting your head into something else and do not try to find out reason why she left. The more you examine and try to find reason (may be the other person even if there is no one), the more she will drift away from you.

From my understanding some of the woman who cannot revolt against there husband (they think they cannot argue), think its better to get away. Time will tell what she wants to do but if there is no other person involved, she will come back.
Put this in your mind, no matter how angry she will COME BACK. DO NOT TRY TO INVESTIGATE AS YOU WILL KIIL THE GOOSE OUT OF CUROSITY.

Good luck,
Indi

[bigmistake]

Thanks for the help and advise. I'm hoping its not someone else :( . I talked to her last night on the phone and it did not help. I told her I just wanted some reassurance that after she fixed herself that she would at least give me a chance. She told me she had alot to weigh, our 20+ years, the kids but mostly herself and she said she would not make any promisses. She wont talk about anything without getting upset with me not mad or mean just wont talk. She has not brought up divorce which makes me think its not someone else plus I was the idiot that left her in the 1st place more so for finacial reasons. We need to sell our house to get out of the mess we are in and she wont hear of it. Years ago about 8 we bought a house with her mother, her mother put alot down it. After this its not went good even her and her mothers relationship is very poor but she is afaird to sell because of what her siblings might say. Her mother will not get all her money back because of the dedt (long story).

Anyway heres hoping its not someone else........

[helenrw200]

Bigmistake

It's never a good idea to walk out in anger as I'm sure you now realise, stop for a moment and think what message this gave to your wife . She has had to live with the insecurity of the threat of you leaving every time there has been an argument. This doesn't make for a trustful relationship in which you can both feel secure enough to resolve any differences.

Now you are in the position that , you left, she let you and you realise it was a mistake to do so. Your wife however is in a totally different place, the thing she dreaded most probably has happened and she's discovered that in reality it isn't that bad after all. You held that threat over her head for so long that in all probability it now doesn't matter that much to her.

Sounds as though you both have communication problems and I think you may have left it a little late to try to resolve it now.What your wife needs now , as in many of the cases on here , is some space to think about what she wants. Having you phoning her and trying to get her to open up on her feelings won't help, she most likely hasn't even sorted out her feelings herself so may not be able to tell you . You are asking her for reassurances that she can't make.Add to this the worry for her that she may lose her home and she is under a great deal of duress, if you try to force the issue now, you might not get the results you're hoping for.

Helen