Need Some Serious Help

[Jodolio]

Hello,

I am going to be totally honest in this address and hope that I get some honest responses, although I am quite sure this will be unique unto itself with the exception of a few.

Brief History

I am a man, 38, who has been in and out of relationships for many years. Move too fast, live together, split. I have a criminal history which woman have often used as leverage against me for money, things they want and the like.

I was drafted to play hockey at a young age and managed to have my first child almost out of wedlock at eighteen just as I turned nineteen. I actually won custody of him as his mother attempted suicide while she was pregnant. Parental advice, (and the threat to never come home if the child was born out of wedlock), caused me to marry this woman for all of eighteen months until we divorced formally at that time. Right after that, I entered into another relationship which lasted almost six years and we had a beautiful daughter. (My children now are 18 and 15, boy and girl respectively).

Today

As mentioned, I went from relationship to relationship. After spending three years in prison for computer fraud, I found the most wonderful woman. She had all the attributes I wanted. I could be honest with her, be myself and she was musically inclined as it is her career and I admire this being a musician myself. We have been together now for two years complete and lived together just over a year. (My son returned to live with me just prior to us meeting. My daughter lives with her mother.)

Things were tough to adjust to. Like they say, until you live together do you really know someone. Don't get me wrong. With a prison history, I know that I can be ornary and very difficult to get along with sometimes. I read how to deal with my anger and have even become a member of Dr. Phil to learn more about myself and how to deal with issues. But I have had a major problem with my lady.

She has a seven year old daugther, who at the time we met, was only five. Her father, a confirmed alcoholic, ( as well as the woman he lives with who lived across the street when he was with my current lady), is not in the picture as often as he was. He has been transferred across the country with work for a number of months and my lady, being an entertainer, is frequently out of town on the road, sometimes for many days. This leaves me with my son, again 18 and her daughter, now 7. The problem I am experiencing is that I cannot get the child to do as she is told. My lady, who doesn't have the highest level of house keeping accumum, seems to have passed this on to her daughter. Whereas I was raised by a woman, my mother, who was a caregiver and house cleaner for a living. So, I do like my house to be presentable at all times. Another reason for this is because I also work from home and in the bottom portion of our house I have my offices.

I cannot for the life of me get her daughter to pick up after herself or get her mother to support it in forms of dicipline. She threatens her with removing her toys, or taking things away from her, but never follows up on it. My own mother told me not to dicipline the child as she has read that children can grow up with issues when a step-parent does this. So.......

Just yesterday, being the Canadian Thanksgiving, I walked in her room, (my step-daughter's), to put away her laundry when I nearly twisted my ankle because of all her toys all over the place. I had asked her to pick these up before going off with her grandmother, (which is another whole issue altogether based on toys every week and total spoiling), and she did not. When my spouse came home from being on the road again, I addressed this to her with my step-daughter there as she was just colouring on the floor. My spouse simply said, "c'mon its Thanksgiving". So I retorted with, so that means you don't have to clean up? She screamed at me and freaked saying that all I ever do is complain that the house is messy and that I don't do anything about it!

Suffice to say, I nodded and left the house. I have had what is termed a "TIA" or mild stroke (http://www.webmd.com/hw/stroke/hw226609.asp). When I feel my heart rate increasing as it did yesterday, I remove myself from the situation until it is calmed again. I came home, we went to her mother's and I didn't speak to anyone. Althought I realise it isn't fair to others to almost "punish" them for this, I cannot put on a song and dance to appease the family. Had it been my own family, I wouldn't have acted any different. We came home, said nothing to one another, she went to bed and left me here wondering how in the world I am to blame for all this???

My wife, when on the road, comes home with two suitcases full of clothes which sit on our bedroom floor sometimes for a week or more at a time. She sits on her computer throughout the day and doesn't really do any housework at all. Her daughter see's this and assumes the same role. (At least this is my surmization).

So I have said all this to ask you simply, what in the world should I do? Our sex life has went out the window the last few months. I went and got a visectomy to see if that helped. She didn't even come with me to the hospital. I had to take a cab and get myself home. She didn't have sex with me the week before or after. The night before the blow up was the first time in almost four weeks that she really had even touched me, whereas when we first met she couldn't get her hands off me nor I her. I know I love this woman and this past summer seemed to be a lot more comfortable than the summer before. (It was the previous spring when her and I had an arguement that I had the minor stroke.) I don't know what to do at this point. I am not happy in the bedroom, I am not happy with her personal housekeeping, (and I had to mention to her that she really should shower everyday just in case we do engage in loving), I am not happy with the support or lack thereof that I get in regards to HER daughter and I most certainly am not happy with how critical she is of my son. He cannot do anything proper according to her, and yet she can't throw a pop can in the recycle which she just carried up the stairs and sat beside the bag!!!!!

I know it sounds like I am just venting, but I researched and sourced and found this forum to be for real. I need advice, offerings of those whom have been through, or are going through, a similar situation who can offer up sound advice which I can try. My faults of swearing and yelling MUST come to a close. I know this. It doesn't help the house or my health when I get like that. I am just grateful I am older now than what I used to be, because I would have already been long gone, but this time, I really want to work it to make things last. I am almost forty and will do whatever it takes until proven wrong to show myself that working with a woman is worth it. Only I want a clean woman, house and state of mind to be able to do my work as a business man and husband properly.

Your critques and critisisms of me will not be hurtful to me so please, all and any are welcome to respond.

Regards,

Jodolio

[Shasta]

Well sir,

I have no children and therefore can not offer you first hand advice (I told my hubby we won't be having kids until he can back me up when disciplining the dog) Bottom line- her daughter will never respect or obey you until she sees her mother standing behind you. And if she is not willing to stand behind you then you have to decide if you are willing to live in a pigsty or play the maid. That being said I wish my husband would pick up his socks . . .

[Kimberley]

All I can say is I have two daughters who are very untidy and drive me to distraction at the best of times. It is difficult to disclipine children these days and some times it all goes on deaf ears but if your wife is an example to her daughter then she is following suit. I am afraid I am untidy also but do my best difficult when you work full time with children and you are tired to keep arguing with them. I find the I will go into the bedroom at the weekend with a black bag and do it for you technique often works wonders.

Regards
Kimberley

[sarah]

hi there,:)
I've worked with children now for 9yrs, in nurserys and being a private nanny to families. I am also now married and have a son of 2yrs.
So I've had my fair share of dealing with lots of different children.

You didn't mention on your post ,if you had a good relationship with your partner's daughter in the begining?

I only ask because you said that you jump into relationships fast,and wondered if this little girl had much time to get to know you properly before you moved in etc.Also if her behaviour had got worse since you and your partner have not been getting on so great?

It sounds to me as if she is trying to gain attention from you by not doing as she is told.but she also needs clear boundries,especially when her mother is away ,you need to sit down and talk to your partner about these issues,you both need to be a un-nited front when it comes to rules of the house and behaviour. ie.what is acceptable and what is not!

Then if you and your partner can agree on these hopefully it will help her behaviour. just a few examples
: there should be a routine ie, bath ,story,bed.
:asking her once calmly to do as you've asked, second firmly and with a warning of what will happen ie : there will be a punishment whether that be take away a special toy,or a privilage,or even somewhere you can time her out for if she is really misbehaving,and thirdly following through with the punishment you warned her of.( following through is the key,because she will learn who is in charge and also respect you more!)
:Having some quality time with her mum away from you. but also times for you all as a family.
:LOTS OF PRAISE when she's been good
:Maybe even get her to help with some household chores for a reward at the end of it! Make things fun!!

You must understand that this little girl has picked up on all the tension between you and your partner,and this will effect her behaviour.


Back to your relationship.

hopefully if you sit down and talk everything through,you can work it out,
there definatly seems like alot of issues need to be disscussed,she needs to do her fair share of the house hold duties and I don't think you are being un-reasonable to want her to do some cleaning !
In my eyes it should be 50/50 split!

Good luck!!:)

[Jodolio]

Hi Everyone!

Thanks for all the advice, I have taken it all in.

My spouse came home the other day and we talked. At first she was just going to leave and I applied a new technique I had learned about and held her hand while we argued through it.


In response to the question did the little one get to know me? Yes, we dated for about a year almost before we moved in together as there was quite a distance between us. My stepdaughter shows me love and affection all the time. She hugs me, kisses me and even when I take her to gymnastics (my idea not her paternals), she always blows kisses and waves. But she is constantly on the go, gets ups at seven in the morning and goes full tilt till the morning. When my spouse and I talked, she was all too ready to point out that I am the one she is afraid of, that my temper bothers her and the like. I understand that to a degree, but isn't on the part of the other as well to not indulge anger by adding fuel to the fire? A perfect example is today. My son, who lives with us and does not like my spouse, deceived me and didn't tell me he was using a student VISA card he recently got. I confronted him on it and he was totally ashamed. He is 18. Then, my spouse, pointed out that he didn't show me his metal shop work until after he had come home the night before. "Do you think he had one of his friends make it?". Maybe he is lying about other stuff. Maybe he is living a life you don' t know anything about. Indeed that is possible, but truly I would know something. Because I am a programmer who works from home, she said that I am alway s on the computer and don't see whats going on in front of me. How can she when more than half the month she is on the road with the band? She has been judgemental of my son and they actually had a physical altercation one time when she locked me out. He has been clear that he thinks I am the one abused in this relationship. Prior to moving to live with me when he was fifteen, his mother, was in a physically abusive relationship. I know they say, don't let a new mate stand between you and your kids, so I am once again now at an impasse, just when I thought I was making forward motion I now feel that I am two steps back. She says, it is my own doing. That I don't think my son can do any wrong and that just isn't the case at all. I was once a teenager and I know that indeed boys can be boys and lies are often said ot parents, but based on my son's life, I would like to think he is a bit different. She is so quick to think he is full of deciet. She thinks that I should "hound" him as I do a seven year old. If I had to wouldn't that say there is some serious issues wiht my son? She constantly compares the two. Is it right to compare children with 11 years difference?

I am at a loss as I am totally upset again with all this.

Any ideas?

[Helen]

Jodolio,

I have deliberately avoided saying anything about your situation until now. But I felt compelled to say something. First, to address your questions, no your partner cannot compare what your adult son is saying about her prepubescent daughter to his situation. They are in two different places. Her daugher is a child whereas your son is almost an adult, if not an adult (depending on where you live). They absolutely CANNOT be coming from the same place because your son is that much more grown up than her daughter. If your partner persists in presenting this ridiculous argument, tell her sharply to shut up. She cannot speak about her CHILD in the same context as your ALMOST ADULT SON. Another thing that leapt out at me. How much are you willing to compromise here? Because I could not see any compromise in what you wrote. If this woman is the perfect woman for you, compromise. Otherwise leave and shut up.

You are not in prison now. Cleaning the cell is not the be all and end all of your day. I know your house is your workspace. In that respect I can understand you seeking cleanliness there. Also, if you want to get 'aquainted' with your woman, I can also understand you wanting a fresh smelling partner for this. But what you seem to be expecting is CONSTANT cleanliness and tidiness. Ask yourself how realistic you are being, bearing in mind that your partner a) has a child and b) is bound to be tired from time to time. A child does not = cleanliness or tidiness! A child = mess most of the time unless they are under so much control that they are frightened to make mess. And a child who is frightened to make mess is often (eventually) a messed up child and adult UNLESS they adopt this way of living VOLUNTARILY. Sorry to be the one to say it.

So.... How much mess can you live with? Honestly? If the answer is no mess at all, this woman is not your ideal partner. If the answer is a reasonable amount of mess and disarray, start negotiating. Because I suspect this will be the price of keeping your 'ideal' woman. And tell her to wash before bed because she never knows... If she isn't adult enough to accept this, tell her to go. She may seem like your ideal woman but she isn't. Any woman worth her salts who wants an active sex life would at least understand that she needs to keep certain places clean for her man if she wants him to come visit regularly...

If she doesn't. tell her to stay there wallowing like a pig in her slovenly ways and leave. Then go...


Helen

Jodolio,

The thing that I forgot to add, reading back on this, was about the potential attention seeking by your partner's daughter. It is possible she is attention seeking. It is also possible she is clueless about hygiene and bodily smells. Teach her about these things but keep your distance from her. If she smells (and eventually she will if she is like her mother, because puberty means smells are stronger and showering regularly is imperative) be compassionate but direct her to wash and, if she protests, tell her why it's important for girls to keep clean. Buy her nice smelling things and encourage her to use them. Try to become her friend and teach her new grooming habits if her mother does not pick up this slack. She is still relatively unmoulded and (I assume) you are the only father figure in her life...H

[Jodolio]

Hi Helen,

First of all, perhaps I wasn't clear in my description of things. Her daughter is seven. Not seventeen, my son is the one who is eightteen.

Having said that, my spouse is not home often, therefore I am the one who does the cleaning and a spotless home isn't what I mean, What I mean is, a seven year old shouldn't dominate the home with her toys and games and the like. When y ou have customers who must walk from your front door to your basement stairs, then that area in itself must be clear. I cannot have a law suit of someone falling down becuase they stepped on a barbie.

Hopefully that helps you understand more clearly. Also I should point out that when her daugther is in my care, which is about 50% of the time on our own, she baths daily and she see's that I do too.

I appreciate the critique, but I think I wasn't clear on some points.

Thanks..Jodolio

[Helen]

Jodolio,

You were clear and I understood what you said perfectly. Hence my comments about your partner being unable to compare your almost adult son to her prepubescent child. Prepubescent means before puberty. I also spoke about your partner's daughter being a child and your son being almost grown. I did understand. Go back and read my post again.

Picking up on your latest comments, as a mother, I will say that kids tend to dominate the homespace, whether it be their toys, games, noise or activities! It's a fact of life and one most of us put up with, at least for a while. But I get the impression from what you wrote (especially in your first post) that you like everything to be just so. The things that jumped out at me were you want a clean house, a tidy house and a clean mate because that is the way you live. Some of your points I agree with. Your woman should not be slovenly. She should shower regularly. And the house should not be dirty and she should help out - the latter not because of aesthetics but because dirt = health hazard. BUT, as stated, I think you are going to have to relax a little bit over the mess. The extent to which you learn to live with it is up to you. If you can't live with it and you cannot get your partner to change, you need to ask yourself if you can live with her inability to change. That was my point in my previous post and it is my point now.

Kids make mess. That's a fact. Kids who are allowed to make mess tend to become happier, more creative adults. That is also a fact. But I agree, your partner's slovenly ways are rubbing off on her child a bit too much. So she needs to set more of an example. Perhaps you need to explain things to your partner in terms of customers, the impressions they get walking in to an untidy house and potential lawsuits. You are not asking her to become Martha Stewart. You are just asking her to teach her child to pick up after herself. SHE needs to do this because children tend to take their cues from their mother. Hence her daughter bathes regularly when she is with you but she doesn't when she is with her mother because her mother doesn't. A shower takes but 5-10 minutes. Surely your partner can make time in her day for a shower and ensure her child takes one too? I think you should also point out that her daughter is going to be going through physical changes soon. I know it is almost impossible to get teens to wash properly, regularly! So she needs to get her daughter into a grooming regime now.

Take this as you will. If you go back and read my previous post, you will see that I do understand the situation. But my point is about balance. You need to balance what you want with the reality of your partner's a) ability to be what you want in all ways and b) desire to be what you want. She may tell you to go screw yourself. She may tell you that her child is her business. What are you going to do then?


Helen

[Jodolio]

Hi Helen et al,

Thanks again for responding. Good, I am glad that it was clear to you. I guess in type text as opposed to verbal discussion, it can get confusing sometimes. I don't allow her to shower at seven and I guess based on that, I thought you thought she, being my step daughter, was older.

Nonetheless, yes, children will make messes and generally are more happy when able to got at it without the concern of where anything is as they go along. BUT, when going to her teacher interview a couple of weeks ago she showed me that each child is part of a team in the class who each has a chore within the class to teach that one must pickup after themselves when completed a task, chore or funtime activity. She explained to me that she is attempting to instill that making a mess is great, but that others use the same spaces that we do and therefore we should leave the area ready for the next person to use. They do it in groups. If you see the analogy, it is similar to a family unit in the home. If one family member makes a mess then clean when done.

A perfect example was last week. My spouse came home from a three day absense. When she came in the door, her suitcase and duffle bag is dropped at the door. Coupled now, in this small entranceway, was my step daughters doll stroller, crib, tamagouchi's (6 now in total), and a truck load of PollyPocket toys. These toys are very tiny and end up everywhere, including in the vaccum sometimes by mistake. At the front of the house it opens into a large livingroom and dining room. I counted ten videos, (which she had been asked to pickup), two colouring kits (on the diningroom table), seven barbies (on the livingroom floor). My spouse walked in, went right to bed. When I asked her, (eight hours later), to please remind our little one to pick up after herself, she said that she needed my help with that because "she is only seven" and that I should be doing it. From what I can read on WebMD and other sites which are repudable, a child's possessions should not take up the majority of space in the house. I pay a pretty penny for this house. My spouse has every piece of clothing since she was born and toy. That is all in storage in the back part of the basement and in the garage. I cannot park my car in the garage, nor can I use the space for a workshop in the back of the house due to this. I most certainly am not going to sacrafice more real estate so that a child can just leave things whereever she wishes because she is going to go off now and do something else.

This little girl of seven goes to Girl Guides on Monday's, gymnastics Tusday's and Wednesday's and her grandmother's each weekend. I think that is wonderful. I like the fact that she is active especially based on the fact that althought she is very intelligent for seven, she is the epidomy of hyper. Her teacher has told me she has had to move her several times in the class due to talking and disruption. So, I guess all I am trying to do is esblish consistency and at the same time have a 20 ft. path of clearance and cleanliness where people won't think that its a free for all in here and as you know, a first impression is a lasting one. YES kids make messes. I Know, I was once one and have two fully grown kids and I remember well. I am a programmer and web designer so I know all about being creative. I am also a musician too and an artist from days prior to the "graphic era"; one who uses their hands too! But I do believe that as parents we can show by example and clean WITH them.

I try to stay positive in this relationship, but was now called a nagging bitch and that to me is it. When your woman can disrespect you and go to that type of name calling, with the rest of the family within earshot, the relationship is pretty much history. It is effecting my work ethic, my peace of mind, and as a man, my physical needs coupled with my emotional aren't even being addressed. I asked her if someone was wispering in her ear from work, or making advances based on the lack of touch and she went right off on me saying "oh so now I am the one having an affair!!!" She went on to say that "I think you are having something on the side, always answering emails and everything!!!" Well with my work, as I pointed out, I must respond to emails. If I didn't then nothing would get done. I told her she was free to go through every folder in my email and see what I do everyday in those "responses". I just feel that she spins everythign back. I never accused her of having an affair, I asked if someone was trying to talk her into one, or suggesting she should based on our lack of closeness. Isn't that usually the first sign when you go from having lovin' often, ( at least once a day, or every other day), to nothing? Am I wrong to think something is up? Who wouldn't? Then I get bereted and called a bitch.

Anyways, it is now six thirty in the morning and the little one is up. Signing, with her stero cranked up and I get to start out the day by having to tell her to quite down people are still sleeping, but I am the bitch......oh boy....touche.....Jodolio

[Kimberley]

You my friend need to chill out your house sounds normal. It does get on your nerves granted but kids are kids. I have lived through the constand activities and at that age they are tired any way. My daughter is nearly 17 and no better. I do have the odd of for god sake am I the only one in this house who tidies up days but that being said my ex went on and on at the children to pick up and about mess I find it much more relaxing to have clutter and happy children at home.

Perhaps you can your partner should put the kids on the back burner and go out and enjoy yourselves and leave them with a sitter for the nite. I find these things start to annoy me when I am having no fun and just the cleaner and cook. It might do you the world of good. When they get older they have less toys then you can carboot it off and give to charity shops to be rid of the clutter but as for parking in a garage I have had four garages with assorted houses and never managed to park in one yet!

Good luck

Kimberley

[Jodolio]

Hi everyone,


Well my my, opinions continue to come in. Kimberly feels that my house is normal. Perhaps a night out would be nice, but then you have to have two to agree to do it and when it comes to liabilities and concerns of safety, then it isn't about clutter and happy children, its about being the poorhouse and maintaining your working relationships. Unfortunately, I do work from home as well and being such, it is expected that I am to do all here becuase I do work here. It should be considered that I am AT WORK during the day and AT HOME at night, but no one, including my own son, seems to understand that part.

At any rate, I am not here to vent, but only to let everyone know that I appreciate all your input. Keep it coming and I will keep you all posted. This forum has been, if anything, therapeutic and I truly do appreciate all your responses, it means a lot. As a man in this position, ( a man who once went to the office everyday, working 18 hour days in Toronto Canada), now in a northern town with only sixteen thousand people, change is good, but huge!

Talk to you all soon!

Jodolio

[Bunny10]

Hi Helen et al,

Thanks again for responding. Good, I am glad that it was clear to you. I guess in type text as opposed to verbal discussion, it can get confusing sometimes. I don't allow her to shower at seven and I guess based on that, I thought you thought she, being my step daughter, was older.

Nonetheless, yes, children will make messes and generally are more happy when able to got at it without the concern of where anything is as they go along. BUT, when going to her teacher interview a couple of weeks ago she showed me that each child is part of a team in the class who each has a chore within the class to teach that one must pickup after themselves when completed a task, chore or funtime activity. She explained to me that she is attempting to instill that making a mess is great, but that others use the same spaces that we do and therefore we should leave the area ready for the next person to use. They do it in groups. If you see the analogy, it is similar to a family unit in the home. If one family member makes a mess then clean when done.

A perfect example was last week. My spouse came home from a three day absense. When she came in the door, her suitcase and duffle bag is dropped at the door. Coupled now, in this small entranceway, was my step daughters doll stroller, crib, tamagouchi's (6 now in total), and a truck load of PollyPocket toys. These toys are very tiny and end up everywhere, including in the vaccum sometimes by mistake. At the front of the house it opens into a large livingroom and dining room. I counted ten videos, (which she had been asked to pickup), two colouring kits (on the diningroom table), seven barbies (on the livingroom floor). My spouse walked in, went right to bed. When I asked her, (eight hours later), to please remind our little one to pick up after herself, she said that she needed my help with that because "she is only seven" and that I should be doing it. From what I can read on WebMD and other sites which are repudable, a child's possessions should not take up the majority of space in the house. I pay a pretty penny for this house. My spouse has every piece of clothing since she was born and toy. That is all in storage in the back part of the basement and in the garage. I cannot park my car in the garage, nor can I use the space for a workshop in the back of the house due to this. I most certainly am not going to sacrafice more real estate so that a child can just leave things whereever she wishes because she is going to go off now and do something else.

This little girl of seven goes to Girl Guides on Monday's, gymnastics Tusday's and Wednesday's and her grandmother's each weekend. I think that is wonderful. I like the fact that she is active especially based on the fact that althought she is very intelligent for seven, she is the epidomy of hyper. Her teacher has told me she has had to move her several times in the class due to talking and disruption. So, I guess all I am trying to do is esblish consistency and at the same time have a 20 ft. path of clearance and cleanliness where people won't think that its a free for all in here and as you know, a first impression is a lasting one. YES kids make messes. I Know, I was once one and have two fully grown kids and I remember well. I am a programmer and web designer so I know all about being creative. I am also a musician too and an artist from days prior to the "graphic era"; one who uses their hands too! But I do believe that as parents we can show by example and clean WITH them.

I try to stay positive in this relationship, but was now called a nagging bitch and that to me is it. When your woman can disrespect you and go to that type of name calling, with the rest of the family within earshot, the relationship is pretty much history. It is effecting my work ethic, my peace of mind, and as a man, my physical needs coupled with my emotional aren't even being addressed. I asked her if someone was wispering in her ear from work, or making advances based on the lack of touch and she went right off on me saying "oh so now I am the one having an affair!!!" She went on to say that "I think you are having something on the side, always answering emails and everything!!!" Well with my work, as I pointed out, I must respond to emails. If I didn't then nothing would get done. I told her she was free to go through every folder in my email and see what I do everyday in those "responses". I just feel that she spins everythign back. I never accused her of having an affair, I asked if someone was trying to talk her into one, or suggesting she should based on our lack of closeness. Isn't that usually the first sign when you go from having lovin' often, ( at least once a day, or every other day), to nothing? Am I wrong to think something is up? Who wouldn't? Then I get bereted and called a bitch.

Anyways, it is now six thirty in the morning and the little one is up. Signing, with her stero cranked up and I get to start out the day by having to tell her to quite down people are still sleeping, but I am the bitch......oh boy....touche.....Jodolio

[Dear Jodolio,
I feel for your situation, to me this sounds horrible; I would be ready to pull my hair out. Your wife is not only disrespecting you, but she is also allowing her daughter to disrespect you. I believe your mom gave you bad advice as far as disciplining your stepdaughter. I do not see this situation changing; the only thing I see is you continuing to be walked on. If you stay, you are going to need to take status as the man of your house, especially if this child is left with you while her mother takes off entertaining. I do think that grades are important and homework should be done first after (after a snack) when coming home from school. I do not know what your daughter likes to do after her homework, but she should not be allowed to do anything and I mean anything until her bedroom is clean and her things are picked up. I did this with my messy son and it worked great until I let him slack for two days and it was “too much work” as he put it. If you stay on top of it daily, it will not get so bad, therefore should not take much time.
Next time she wakes up blaring her radio so disrespectfully, go in unplug it and do not give it back until she starts showing some respect. You have to take a stance, because your wife is not going to.
As far as your wife not being clean, I do not understand that. Try buying some Victoria Secret lotion and some comfortable pajamas and tell her you have a surprise for her, have a bubble bath ran. While she is in the bath, lay a towel on the bed and give her a massage with silky luxurious lotion. Do not talk much, just slowly rub each part of her body, be showered and only have boxers, and see how she responds.
I hope not, but there is a good chance she is not being faithful. I know this may sound terrible, but check her cell phone records, that is how I found out my husband was cheating. Does she tell you as much as she used too after coming home? Do you talk to her in the hotel room while she is on the road? I would hate to think she is using you for a free babysitter and bill payer.
I think it would be a good idea to hire a maid to come in regularly, at least you will get to enjoy the house clean and will not have to clean up after everyone to get it that way. You deserve to do this for yourself.
Do not forget this is a place of business and your stepdaughter needs to respect that and keep all her things in her room. After fair warnings, if she continues, bag everything up she leaves out and put the bag (except school items) in the attic. When she or her mother ask you about the items that were scattered about, kind of tilt your head to the side with a look of perplexity and “I dunno”. Continue adding to the bag, as things are left out, and then about a month down the road you can give it all back. Let her know that you did this to teach her a lesson (think about how happy she will be when you give it all back, it will be like Christmas) and that if she continues leaving her toys out, they are going to children that do not have any, and give them to The Battered Women’s Shelter, it sounds like she has so much, many would not be missed. If your wife does not like it, tell her that this is your house and you are the one making the rules, if she does not like it, she can leave, but you are not up for an argument. Do not defend your parenting skills in front of your stepdaughter, they will make things worse. If your spouse tries to be rude, because her daughter is not getting away with being a disrespectful pig, do not argue with her, simply walk away and continue to stick to your guns. You are not a mean person and are simply trying to teach respect to someone that will possibly grow up to be very disrespectful if things are left the same. Do not raise your voice and try to stay calm and always be faithful.. As far as your son goes, your son is grown, she needs to leave him alone, and focus on her daughter. If things do not change and you do not put yourself in the position you should be in, than I cannot imagine you staying with this woman. You sound like a kind man that deserves respect.

[Jodolio]

Hi there,

Thanks for your response. It seems a bit more realistic to what my situation is. To be called a "bitch" by your spouse, as a man, it is the ultimate insult. To me that would be like calling her a "C" which I don't do. It completely signifies, to me anyways, what she truly feels about me. I guess I wouldn't be "an old nag" as she has also put it, if things were done, at least attempted to be done to what I would think to be a satisfactory level.

I had to attend her mother's house the other day to drop off the little one and looking in at her mother's house I guess all I can say is that we are a product of our own environment. I have had several responses from ladies who have said living in a mess, or clutter, with happy children is better than unhappy children and a clean home. To me that is rubbish. I think that my children are happy either way. Whether they pick up thier messes or not, they're happy. I get hugs and kisses from the little one and my 18 yr. old son tells me he loves me every time he walks out the door and whenever we are on the phone together. SO, I know that they are happy regardless of what shape the house is in. Therefore, I have to deduct, that it comes down to my happiness in this instance, not anyone else. I would like to think that my happiness would be important to my spouse, but I have also come to learn over the years that entertainers are a breed unto thier own and the rest of us are but mere supporting roles in thier stage of life. They are the centre and it's the "Whomeever" Show on a daily basis.

I have come to the conclusion that I must make a choice. All the things which her and I discussed last week, took place yet again today. Last night she had a show here locally. Came home, plopped down in her chair and did nothing. I get up this morning, there are dishes all over the place, colouring books, pencil crayons, dolls, a doll stroller at the front door and now water flies from pop and water being left by the sink drain and being dumped. These things take little effort and to me are not asking too much. Fill the sink with water and soap. Prevent us getting sick from these little critters and the like. No one does it in this house but me. I am Daddy Maid, Lover On Demand and Mr. Do This When I Tell You. So, my resolve is, yes she may be a beautiful woman and desireable to my eyes, but her, HER, as a person no longer really is. As I have matured as a man I have come to realise that we are all getting older at the same rate of speed and one thing I want is a woman whom I can share in all things. Both the bedroom and the basement and the livingroom and kitchen. I have become a slave in my own home to make sure that everyone is taken care of and in doing so I have nothing with my spouse but a complaint about anything that I do for her.

A good example is this morning. I get up, as usual, before anyone. She comes strolling down after fifteen hours of sleep, (or so it would seem I am exageratting here!), and I ask, "Would you like a tea?". Yes please she answered. I make it and bring it down to her here. She looks at it and says, "oh no, this is no good. There is too much honey in this. I can't drink this!". So, to me, had she simply said, "I appreciate you trying to do this for me, but I can't have that much honey " would have went a lot further than shooting the effort down completely. Yesterday, same thing. I ask, "Would you like some cereal?", as I was making myself a bowl. "Yes please, hot oatmeal". So, I make it. Bring it down to her, what does she say? "Oh, there isn't enough hot water in this for me. I can't eat this". So, after the tea this morning I said simply, I won't be asking or making you things any longer as it is quite apprent it will not be up to your standard, so you can make it from now on. She looks at me like I am with five heads and says, "Well you don't have to take it so personally!". How else is one to take it when there is never any thanks so much as how short you fell on preparing it for them. Ok, so maybe there was too much honey, maybe there wan't enough hot water, but say thanks, can fix it up the way I like it.

I told her before she left for today's show that I was going to be doing some serious thinking about our relationship, or lack thereof, while she is gone and that when she returned her and I will be addressing this and making some final decisions. She looked at me again like I have fifteen heads and just arrived in my UFO. "WHY? WHAT FOR?". I looked at her and said, my point exactly. You don't even see the issues and there are many.

I will keep you posted as to the outcome. I know if we split my heart will break as I really thought I would be with this woman forever and know as I am true to myself that I do love her, but I feel that my deep feelings aren't the same now as they were in years 1-3.

Thanks again to everyone here!