to tell or not

[jyk666]

I posted a couple of months ago about my marriage. I was also having an affair, kinda kept that to myself (shame, apologies). It was an affair, started as emotional, went to sexual after I fell in love and we only had contact at most once a month for 6 hours. Lover desided to end it last week. I was considering leaving my marriage, not for him, more because of the way I was feeling, if things in my marriage had been right I wouldnt have fell in love.
My lover decide to end it, despite loving me is staying 250 miles away and couldnt go on with it. his words were more or nothing, it couldnt be more so it went to nothing. I know the pain I have I deserve but my husband knows something has devastated me, still no sex but I cant bring myself to tell him anything.
I dont want to be selfish, so what do I do apart from yearning for someone who has left me..

[Helen]

I am surprised to hear about an affair. When you posted a couple of months ago, you mentioned the fact that you were angry due to the fact that your husband 'forced' you to be sterilized. At that time I wasn't sure why you had posted because you seemed to reject all the advice you were being given but now, I suspect you posted because of the affair, even though you did not mention it.

I will be frank. With 8 kids under the age of 9 your affair was never going to amount to anything. I can't see any man taking on so many children, regardless of how much he loves you. 8 kids is a lot to take on. A lot. Also, you could only spare your lover 6 hours once a month. Not a lot of time for your relationship with him to be about anything more than sex. Sorry to say it. I seriously doubt you were in love with this man. He was a distraction from your marriage and you were infatuated with him.

So how do you stop yearning for your lover? The starting point is to decide what your priorities are. Is your priority your personal happiness or is it providing a stable home for your kids? You also need to understand what you got from him and didn't get from your husband. You have said numerous times in previous posts that your husband is a nice man, a good man etc. So why the affair? What did you get from your lover that you did not get from your husband?


Helen

[jyk666]

I dont know what he gave me. I got me time with him I guess. It wasnt about sex, I could count on 3 fingers the times we had sex during the year it went on. He wasnt just anyone, he was someone I worked and went out with before I got married. We lost touch and I found him on friends reunited, I certainly didnt go looking to start an affair.

I got communication from the other guy. My husband would rather watch TV than have a talk to me and believe me I have tried and I will keep trying.

My priority is my children, always has been always will be. For the last week all my husband and I have done is talk. We know we are both to blame for the problems in our marriage but at least after all these years we are talking. We never really knew each other, I know that sounds strange but its true. As well as bringing our family up we will just need to hope for the best and I know I need to put the past behind me. I certainly wont be having another affair.

[Helen]

Hi,

Maybe it's me but I think it is interesting that you think you got 'me' time with this man. The instant question in my mind is,was 'me' time impossible without him? Or is this a convenient excuse for meeting up with him? In YOUR mind? Because, not being funny, Friends Reunited is a cliche for renewed acquaintances, affairs and broken down marriages. It is also a cliche for unhappy endings. You were married with 8 (yes 8) kids under 9. You were popping them out like popcorn and grew unhappy with your husband when he suggested that you were sterilized. I don't think the affair was a coincidence. You may feel meeting up with this man and having an affair was unintentional. I think differently...

I think you are kidding yourself about the nature of your relationship with this man. Okay, I have to take your word about the sex but you must have got something from clinging on to him. You may say you didn't cling; you also say you don't know what you got from him. But the fact that you are yearning for him says something very different - trust me. I realise your husband isn't a great communicator and, if this remains the case, you may need to do something about it. You may need to threaten to move on and find someone else. He doesn't need to know you did, briefly. He just needs to know you are not happy with the status quo. But before you say anything to him, you need to be absolutely clear about what you want from a life partner. I am not picking this up from your postings, which is very unusual. You have some of it with him (and you should take care to point out to your partner that he has many good points). But you do not have everything you need (because if you did you would not have had an affair) and you should take pains to point out what is missing from your relationship with your husband. Forget your inability to have more kids. I think this is a red herring for something far deeper...

I have to say, I think you have more than enough kids to be getting on with! And even if you AND your partner had an EXCELLENT job, you would still struggle with all those kids. Most men would. Even those earning more than £50k a year would stuggle. So do not blame your husband for not doing enough if he can't earn enough or find fault with his ambition if he cannot do enough to keep you and the kids fully satisfied. As stated, few men would be able to do this...and you do have to consider his words - did you get pregnant with so many kids on purpose? (Because he says he feels like a sperm donor...)

If your priority is your kids, forget about the other man. Your kids will always be better off with their dad, especially if your husband does his best to provide for them and sets a good example. The fact that you say you and your husband never really knew each other isn't as strange as it sounds. Get to know each other now. It is never too late and late is better than never in my experience! And also know there is only so much your husband can do for his kids. Do not belittle him or look down on him or find him lacking and look for an alternative. After all, you had to know this was all he was going to be capable of when you married him. Instead, praise him for the fact that is trying and he gives a toss about his kids (because many men in your situation would run away) and look for alternative help, in the shape of state support.

Most of all, try to rediscover the reasons why you had 8 children with this man. Once upon a time you must have loved him. No woman with sense would have 8 kids delberately with a man she was ambivelent about, after all! (If you did I would say what do you expect in relation to your situation?). When you rediscover those reasons and look at them with the fact that you want to be faithful to this man, I am sure you will start to see his good points again. Okay, he may not earn £100k a year but you knew that was never going to be the case. Yet you chose to keep getting pregnant. You cannot blame him for struggling to support the children now. As stated, 8 kids are a lot of mouths to feed and he told you before you had the last 2 or 3 that you had enough kids. YOU chose to ignore him. And now you have punished him by looking elsewhere. But the truth is, your lover could never have coped with 8 kids either. So stop blaming your man for making a decision that smacks of common sense. And stop blaming him for struggling to support the kids you chose to get pregnant with. Instead, give a **** that he gives a rat's ass about the kids he has with you and is doing his best to support them.

Yes, I sound brutal and will probably pee you off but everything struck me as I was typing this hence the laying out of words...


Helen

[markus]

Selfishness

[jyk666]

Markus

Can I come in live in your perfect world, where I can sit in judgement of others please!!!!!

[jyk666]

Hi

Me time is 6hrs on a Saturday afternoon. I am always with my children. Firstly we have a teenage son who is 15. We also have 6 others under the age of 9. I am a mother of 8 but our 3rd child was a neo natal death, nevertheless I am still her mother hence mother of 8.

My husband has never been expected to financially support our family, he bought out of that many years ago and we have ticked along without his financial imput just fine. I have made my husband aware how unhappy I am at the fact that we dont communicate, I think hes as lost as I am. We have spent years talking about typical house, kids, house stuff, we wouldnt know where to begin.

People seem bogged down by the fact we have 7 children, is it so unusual. Well, its not in my world. At the end of the day I am aware my husband is the very best father my children could have because he is.

If I suggested that I was looking for a trade in because I was tired of him that was not my intention. Selfish, yes of course I am. I have stayed at home bringing up my children for 15 years, being the best parent that I can be. My husband struggle to support his family, dont make me laugh, he wouldnt know where to begin to do that.

If I sound resentful its because I am. I obviously cant give you the entire story of our ups and downs together, it would be one sided. All I can give is my take, as for him trying to support his family, every penny he puts in is paid back out on his new car, why, because I made him buy it, how dumb am I????:

[Helen]

I don't necessarily think you are selfish. And I apologise for getting the number of kids wrong. For some reason I thought you had 8 under 9 but it's 6 (sorry about your baby, by the way). Still, I think most people get hung up on the number of kids you have because it is unusual to find families with so many kids in this day and age. Particularly so when the husband isn't supporting the family. I don't think anyone would condemn you for wanting to stay home and take care of your kids. That isn't a bad thing at all and I wish I could have done the same. Alas, it wasn't an option for me because my ex didn't earn enough to keep us all (because kids, as you know, are expensive and we had to pay full costs for everything) and we were not entitled to help from the State. I am not sure how you managed to stay at home when your husband isn't supporting you but I think you should write a book! I only wish you had written one years ago then maybe I would be a mother of 3 or 4 instead of 1.

My statement still stands, regardless of the number of kids you have. It would be a very unusual man who would take you AND them on. I don't think I have ever heard of it happening. Of course, when you have an affair and you both think you are in love and the fantasies are in full flow, I dare say there are a few fanciful thoughts on the man's part. However, reality usually kicks in, either before it becomes a reality or just after. Especially if the kids are noisy and demanding and a man is used to being the sole focus in your relationship. Most men would scarper pretty quickly, believe me.

I am not sure why you ended up having the affair and I am not sure if you are either. You say you were not looking to trade your husband in. You were just looking for someone to talk to because your husband does not communicate. Okay but how did that lead to sex with someone else? I think there is conversation and conversation. Some topics must remain off limits with members of the opposite sex. For example, you should never confide in a man that your relationship isn't really working. You should also never say bad things about your spouse to a member of the opposite sex either - especially when you have tied yourself to them through having lots of kids and accepted that they will never be there for you financially. Many men and women misinterpret this act of confidence as you wanting out and some unconsciously start trying to make themselves more appealing to you as an alternative. Some do it consciously because they see the opportunity for a bit of sex. Or maybe they think offering you what is missing at home will make you feel better. But it is never a good thing to do because this is how affairs happen. So if you are serious about not looking to trade your husband in, I would suggest you start confiding in your girlfriends and leave other men out of the equation completely.

I do get the sense that you are not really getting anything out of posting on the board. Your issues are not easy to dissect, especially as you feel only able to relate part of the problem. So far you have mentioned the sterilization, the fact that your husband does not support the family (and you seem okay with this, for some reason) and the fact that your husband doesn't communicate. But you haven't said much about what you have done to try to improve things between you. You have said you feel resentment towards him because of the sterilization. An earlier post indicated that you thought things were over between you and you were okay with it. Then you said you were not looking to trade him in. I guess I am just confused because there are a lot of mixed messages going on. I am not sure if anyone will be able to help you or even if you want help...

As for Markus, yes, his life does seem perfect. But it wasn't always that way, was it Markus?


Helen

[jyk666]

I say I'm not looking to trade him in because that is a fact. I can cope without the imput of men, that was all I was trying to say. The OG was someone I cared about before I met my husband so when we got back in touch it was easy to slip into the too much information zone, for both of us. I cant give a reason why sex happened.

I am trying to move away from my resentment, see that he had and continues to have the best of intentions for our family. As far as communication goes he thinks if he talks about how I feel for a while I will be all better and goes back to his TV. I have to admit that after a day full of 2 pre school children plus the others, I'm not much of a talker come 9 pm he has never been a great talker, I always started conversations, cant remember when I stopped. Our religion and politics are so different we would just argue, same goes for sport, bores the bum off me, he thinks its fab.

Maybe my main problem is I did shake a pretty okay dull, mundane life. If I hadn't did that I would still be unhappy with what I have. I do think I wouldn't be any happier on my own but I'm not happy with what I have either.

Other guy was a blast from another life, where I was me, not wife full of responsibility or mum just me, that was nice; not a lot of time in my world just for that. Goodness I know how selfish that makes me sound, maybe I am..