Please Help Me

[Very confused]

I found out my husband, after a 17 year relationship and 3 children with him, had been having an affair at work. He told me 8 months ago and left for 3 months (although he didn't move in with her). He moved back in and we went to counselling and are now individually seing counsellors. Why do I still feel it was yesterday? He has changed from saying he was in love to that it was a mistake and he was mad. But all the hurt and the horrible blame he poured on me at the beginning is still as raw as it was. I have good days and then terrible days. Will I ever move on and be able to trust him, by that I mean trust him when he says he loves me that he means it in the same way as I do. I just don't know where I am half the time and what I am feeling despite him saying over and over that he loves me and it was a mistake. He has only recently found a new place of work and he feels that when he changes his job and is therefore out of where she is then things will be easier. Please help me I feel so desperate and down.

[Very confused]

Oh dear no one has replied! Maybe I sounded too confused and therefore not clear in what I was asking. I guess I just need to know whether it's 'normal' to still feel so raw 8 months after my husbands affair. He says he is changing, but I find that hard to see. He has hit me in the past and used porn for the whole time since I have known him. I have tried explaining that his use of porn makes me feel insecure about his want and love for me. I discovered only a few days ago he is still visiting porn websites, despite knowing how insecure I am at the moment. There has been little trust in our relationship and therefore difficult to work at regaining any. He left me on Valentines day, left me distraught with 3 children and in complete shock. He went straight to hers and slept with her. Do you ever get over that? I would really appreciate some advice (anyone?):)

[OutsideCentre]

Dear Very Confused,
thought i'd try and give my opinion especially as you don't seem to have any feedback so far.

I would personally think that under the circumstances what your feeling would be normal. Although I've not had the same experience as you, I would say that because of what has happened you have got to expect your personal self esteem to have taken a massive knock & trust, once destroyed can take a long time to be gained back.

Deep down, you must love your Husband very much as, after what he has done, and despite you making your feelings clear, continues to do (porn etc...) you are still trying to re-build your lives together.

If you're both sure that this is the way forward for you as a couple you will have to try & put the past behind you & only time will tell whether this will be possible.

I think communication is the key. He needs to fully understand your feelings about what he has done & how this has effected you. I think you are showing extreme tolerance but need to be clear that things will have to change if there is to be any long term future in your relationship. Remember that for a couple to be happy together they need to be happy individually too. Do not sacrifice your own happiness for your Husbands.

I think over time the pain will ease but as others have said, the way forward is a marathon rather than a sprint.

I hope this helps & I wish you the very best in getting things back on track.

Regards,

Rob.