Handling unfaithfulness

[Kate]

It can be really tough finding out that your partner has let you down. I know someone who shared just how much of a shock it was when her husband admitted letting her down on a business trip. She just found it so hard to believe and said she was walking around in a daze for several days. Finding a friend she could trust to share it with actually helped although she was torn with needing someone to talk to and yet seeing it as betraying him. He recognised her need and encouraged her to get some help. Fortunately she loved her husband very much and recognised how easy it is to be tempted to go astray. She was able to forgive him and over a period of time to come to terms with what had happened and to trust again.
Infidelity is far more common than we realise. Should we tell out partner, when we let them down, or is that putting too great a burden on them? How can we deal with the strong feelings and hurt that result?

[JJ]

Last year my husband started to work really late hours. I found it very hard being left most nights to look after the children. he always seemed tired when he came in and wasn't very interested in our love life. I got quite suspicious, but I didn't tlak to him. It was so hard to bring the subject up. In the ned we had ablazing row one weekend and it all came out. He was really hurt when he found out what I'd been thinking, but we managed to talk it through. I just wished I'd had the courage to say something sooner.

[KEVIN]

[I have known my wife for over 10 years now, and for the last few years we have seldom made love. She complained that she was unattractive, far from it (although was overweight - it never mattered to me at all) Nevertheless lovemaking became very difficult , and gradualIy lost nearly all of my confidence, and became both nervous and clumsy - things got worse. The last time was maybe 2 years ago. I stopped trying for fear of further rejection and dissapointment - and trying to find out the reasons or a how to move forward were always brushed aside. Emotionally sex was difficult for her. We had otherwise a good very strong relationship -the physical side just stopped and this was always left as something we could tackle later when we had time. The time never came, until my wife told me that she no longer loved fully in the way she should, and that the physical love and the emotions that went with it for me died some time ago.

She now wants a clean break to make a fresh start - there is no one else involved on either side.

I am realise that my wife, who is perhaps the most honest, caring human being I have ever met is perhaps right to want to move on.

The crunch is that my feelings for her are as strong as ever, and I would like to persuade her to take counselling and then perhaps try to rebuild our marriage over a period of a year or so - we are still very close, and good friends, which makes everything very emotional. The trouble is that she is determined that having "tried" to sort out the "problem" by herself for years, she is now sure of her feelings, and that there is no point in going on, seeing a counsellor, or trying to repair the love.

Prayer doesn't seem to help, I expect the worst and hope for the best. I now accept most of what she says, however things were once very good, and even now she is the first to admit we do actually get along with each other very well, which is why, perhaps I feel that it is worth asking for help. Working towards a repair/revival scenario with a goal of regaining 100% is surely better that not trying at all?

What can we do?


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ZZZ

[Kate]

It sounds, Kevin, as though there is still life left in your marriage! Many marriages go through stages of disillusionment, but because the feelings have gone for one partner doesn't mean there is no hope for the relationship. Love is not just a feeling - it is a decision, a commitment, an action, which involves our feelings. Usually when people get married, they have spent their courtship closing their eyes to each others faults because they want it to work. Then comes the stage of facing the reality of two imperfect human beings trying to live through all the every day pressures of life. Problems from the past, from past relationships or from childhood can so easily surface for one partner and the other doesn't know "what they have done wrong".

You may find something helpful in the Marriage First Aid (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/)articles.

It sounds as though your wife may have come across issues which she didn't know how to handle and wouldn't share with you for whatever reason. The key does seem to have been that you haven't faced these things together. Ending a relationship is not the painless and better alternative many people expect. It really is worth seeking help and looking to see what you do have to build on. Certainly openness with one another would make a big difference. A counsellor might well be able to help. The Marriage Clinic (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) has details of where you can find one, either on-line or in person in your locality. Your wife and you could go separately or together. Even if your wife won't go, you could still go and talk things through for yourself. Sometimes there are keys within us that can open things up for our partner. Your local church might also be able to help and don't give up on prayer.

Lots of marriages go through difficult times. Its often in working through those difficulties together that you discover even more to love in each other. I hope you find a common commitment to go on, and, when you do, organisations such as Marriage Encounter (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhres/meang/) can help to rebuild communication, commitment and hope for the future.


[This message has been edited by Kate (edited 01 August 2000).]