husbands txt affair

[tammy]

In june i discovered that my husband had meen having a txt/mobile phone affair with a woman who works as a call dispatcher at his call centre (hes a field service engineer) that lasted 14 weeks.
We have been together for 15 years and married for 7, we have three children the youngest has just turned one. The six months leading up to his affair had been hard as i didnt have much time for him (I had stretched myself too thin 3 kids, job, studying part time for a degree) and he hadnt been happy - feeling old, life passing him by, no fun anymore. Anyway he had always got on well with her but end feb she made a move on him. She phoned him while they were in work but not to give him a job but just to chat, he said to me at the time he couldnt understand why and that was the last i heard about her. what i didnt know was that she continued to chat to him everytime he was in work then started txting him, he initial just believed it to be frienship and talked and txt back (now he believes it was just a form of escapism rather than deal with his issues). However as time passed they grew closer and an emotional attachment formed - she thought herself in love with him, he had strong feelings for her. while this was happening he was a changed man at home, distant, argumentative, critisisng that i was looking old now (i'm 36 but shes 21) as if he was pushing me away. I discovered the affair when i found a receipt for a mobile top up but i didnt know he had a sim in his phone as he has a work phone.
First weeks after were very tough, i was devastated, hurt, angry etc and he was going through like a withdrawal from txting her and was confussed over his feelings. Plus he was still having to deal with her in work and she was devestated over being dumped. In the end i went to leave and thats when he pulled himself together, realised it was me he loved and wanted and devestated that he'd 'thrown away the best thing in his life' - i saw him cry for the first time ever (hes ex army and its just not done!). He found himself another job and has started today.
Although i havent gotten over the betrayal yet things have been better. August he was off work for 2 weeks then she was off for two weeks and we got a lot sorted in that time. However when she got back she discovered he was leaving and started chatting on the phone again saying she missed him etc. he didnt tell me straight away says he didnt want to upset me but him keeping it from me upset me. he thought he could be just freinds with her like before but now realises thats not what she wants. Hes been talking to her for two weeks, not every day and not all day. on his last day however she txt him in the morning and he replied and they then txt throughout the day. unfortunatly i text in the middle of this, he thought was her, txt back "will miss favoutite dispatcher. no one to cheer up my day anymore" I was devestated he says he was just trying to be nice to her i told him i was fed up of him putting her feelings ahead of mine (hes done it a lot)
Now dont know what to do, want to leave but hes left his job, cut all ties to her should i stay?

[Helen]

Tammy,

He hasn't cut all ties to her has he? He is still texting her. As long as he texts her, she will sit there in the hope that he will come to her one day. Whether you stay or go is up to you but he needs to make it absolutely clear to her that he is never going to leave you and the kids for her. How he does this is not your concern. If he is worried about hurting her feelings, ask him why he is so worried about upsetting her? She isn't his wife she is just a young girl who he became involved with unwisely. She presumably knows he is married and has children. It is up to him to be the adult here. After all, I am assuming he is at least the same age as you, if not older. What on earth is he doing messing around with a 21 year old anyway?

As you say, he wants to be friends but she wants more than this. So they can't be friends. Full stop. He needs to do himself a favour and get a new sim card for his phone. That way she won't be able to text him any more and he won't be able to text her. If he is serious about cutting ties and making your marriage work, he will do this without question. You have mentioned your feelings of devastation. Thankfully your husband didn't have a full blown affair with this girl but forming an emotional attachment is almost as bad in my opinion. He has hurt you repeatedly over this, not least because he has lied to you more than once about his involvement with this girl. If you are going to stand any chance of making a go of things, I think the two of you will need to do some work to rebuild the trust in your marriage. There are some resources on this site in the articles area about rebuilding trust. Have a look at the menu on the left under 'Contents' to find them.

I wish you luck sorting this out.

Take care,


Helen

[tammy]

Thanks helen for your comments.
He changed his personal sim straight away but we couldnt do anything about his work phone. he hasnt txt her until his last day and the talking was due to work, she would phone him to give him work but would then chat. i asked him to stop this repeatedly but he just would promise he would next time but when it came to it he wouldnt tell her to. he justified himself by saying he didnt chat to her just listened! when i would insist that he stop her he said that he didnt want to be horrible to her and upset her cos she could make his life difficult in work.
He is the same age as me and he thought she was about his age but later found out that she was just 21. After six weeks of not much contact with her (she was avoiding having to talk to him in work) and then the chat again i feel like im back to stage one with the trust thing and i am just so angry with him.
I now cant seem to get thoughts of the affair out of my mind, they just keep spinning round my head. i now cant seem to move on cant see how the trust can be restored i just want the thoughts of them to go away but they stay. thinking about it seems to consume my day