He keeps cheating on me ...

[Lizzie]

:eek: I have been with my husband for almost 20 years. I am 37 years old. We have 2 children aged 5 & 6. 7 years ago I supported my husband through school and he became a Barrister. He is now very successful at his job.

Two years ago I found out that my husband had cheated on me with an aquaintance, who he met through me. He ended up having an affair for 6 months and finally came back to me because he didn't want to throw his marriage away. My main problem is trust. Do you ever trust someone again who you 100% trusted in your marriage?

I found out last week he had started up a new relationship with someone via his text messages. He tells me that it was because he felt I never forgave him for the first affair and that I looked at him differently. He still wants us to be together.

He won't let me go. Doesn't want to leave our family home. I can't possibly forgive him again, I'm not sure I even forgave him the first time.

How can I reason to him? Why will he not let me move on with my life.

I have been through so much stress the last two years, that I can't take it anymore. Is there anyone out there that did forgive their husband/wife and have a happy marriage. I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think it's all over.

How do I explain to my 2 children, that daddy isn't going to be living with us anymore. It breaks my heart because deep down I do still love him. But he just keeps hurting me and I can't let him do it to me anymore.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Helen]

Lizzie,

There are two issues here. The first is the fact that he cheated on you in the first place. 6 months is a long time to have an affair. You asked about rebuilding trust. Not everyone can do it but some people can. I guess the real question at that point was did you still want to be married to your husband when you found out about that first affair? Because if you did, you could find a way to rebuild the trust. It's hard and it would take time but if your marriage was something you both wanted to preserve, it could be done. There are resources about rebuilding trust in the articles area of this site.

The second issue is your husband has cheated again. Now it would seem that he has blown any chance of you forgiving him out of the water. I would tell him this. The fact of the matter is in saying that he messed around for a second time because he felt you didn't forgive him for the first affair is an excuse. How does cheating again make you more amenable/accepting? How does cheating mend a marriage? It doesn't. Your husband is a smart man - he has to know this. I would tell him to be a man and take responsibility for his actions. You didn't tell him to cheat. He did that all on his own. And you refuse to sit at home like a muppet while he carries on with other women.

In terms of your situation, you have three choices. You either try to forgive him and insist that he goes to marriage counselling with you to work on your marriage; or you put your foot down and insist he leaves or you leave, put a caution on the house to prevent him selling it without your permission and force him to pay for new accommodation for you and the kids. It's the least he could do. After all, he would not be a Barrister if it wasn't for you. If you put it to him in these terms, I suspect he will leave because he will not want the kids subjected to more upheaval than they have to be. If you decide you cannot live with the situation any more, tell him you have no room in your life for a liar and serial cheat because this is what he is. This is why you want him to go. He has humiliated you twice now and, as far as you are concerned, he is no longer fit to call himself your husband.

Ultimately, asking him to go is up to you but my advice to you is to look around this site before making a decision. There are lots of women on here (myself included) whose husbands had affairs, some of them more or less immediately after the honeymoon. While many of these women fought to save their marriages, most ended up going their separate ways because their husbands' continued to cheat. I suspect your husband will too because he seems unable to tell you when he is having problems within the relationship. Marriage is a partnership and most marriages have ups and downs. The answer at these times is not to have an affair. It is to try and work things out. Your husband doesn't seem to be able to work things out, which is surprising, given his profession. All I will say to you is you need to make a conscious decision about whether you can live with this in the long term. Even if he stops cheating, can you live with the knowledge that he has gone elsewhere twice? If not, then you need to part for the sake of your sanity.

Do take care Lizzie,


Helen