Advice needed please help

[susan12]

I need some advice please.I was married 2.5 years ago.It was an arranged marriage.I knew my husband only for 6 months before tying the knot.In that 6 months he was very nice with me for just 1 month...remaining 5 months he ignored me...but still married me on the planned day!

Life was hell for 6 months after wedding I regretted every minitue for marrying him.he Ignored me,was rude many times,never respected my parents,he was sooooooo addicted to internet porn,even had sex with prostitute before marriage...and had a photo of that session too,but I was extremely patient with him and I tried everything I can to make my marriage a success.Then there were somethings happening....he got closer to me slowly.We spoke and shared more and I FELT OK.But I detested his porn addiction.Initially I FELT MISERABLE AND i HAVE CRIED TO HIM A MILLION TIMES TO STOP IT,BUT HE WOULD NEVER STOP.HE SEES PORN EVERYDAY....TILL TODAY.Even if he had sex.....after 3 or 4 hours he needs to see porn.I am so used to this habit of his that I now ignore it totally.But I have issues that worry me much
1) he has only ONE friend!.....never tries to socialise at all.He even discourages me talking to my friends and tries to stop relatives coming home.This puzzles me.I feel like a lonely island.
2)He forever DOUBTS me (always thinks that I am interested in other men)....hell with this.even when we go out for a walk together he brings strange blames on me.I feel terrible about this and I nowadays go out ithout make up .WHY DOES HE BEHAVE LIKE THIS?
3)He used to encourage me and spent loads for my registration exams to help me practice(I am a professional) in this country but would count every penny to even buy a shirt for me.....But one day in a heated argument he told me he married me only becoz I was a proffesional and for no other reason and that he was dissapointed that I had failed my exams then.DOES THIS MAN LOVE ME?
4)I passed and got a job....I am earning.He is very good to me now.But he makes me transfer my earnings to his account and spends them.I feel delicate to talk about this as I am afraid it might hurt him and fell I should give my shoulders becoz he had taken the burden to help me get thro the xpensive exams....but there is thought running in the back of my head....IS HE USING ME?????
5)Till this day he finds it hard to rmember our wedding day,my birthday....etc.and even if I remind him that does not matter to him a bit.HOW IMPORTANT AM I TO HIM?
6)Inthe past 2 years I realise his first love is MONEY.....Is he with me only for that???????????????He endlessly talks about MONEY....i AM SO TIRED OF IT.HE KEEPS CALCULATING EVERYTHING ....VERY FRUSTRATING AT TIMES.

I really dont know whether to trust him or not....Please help.I need to decide on that before I have a kid.

[Indi]

:D Hi Susan,
I can understand the frustration you are going through at the moment. Well me and my wife too had an arranged marriage. We are from India and have been here for little more than 3 years.

Well i think first thing you would want to do is sit with your husband and have a word. You would have to be very clear about your feelings (coz may be he is so absorbed in his own world that he does not know how you feel). Ask him to just sit and listen and not argue during your conversation. List him (write them down before hand) all the issues you think needs to be addressed and tell him they are hurting you and spoiling your marriage. Tell him he would have to chose between porn and you and if ocassionally he wants to see it, he will have to see it with you. I am sure he will not like the idea of you looking at other men (hopefully). Tell him all this but also do not forget to mention how much you love him and care about him.

If this does not work sit with him again but send him a stronger message. Tell him you still love him but are at the edge. Tell him that the next time you see him unchanged you will leave him. Also tell him since you are a partner in life you want to be actively involved in all the investments and spendings. If you can be a professional in studies and have a good job, you can manage the expenses too. I am sure the treat of leaving but with the mention of love will do some good to him.

If that does not work out you will have to get to the last step of opening an account for yourself. Pack you bags and leave from the house. Go to a relatives if you have one or else go to your parents. I would suggest relatives and let your parents say they do not know where you are. Take a leave from your office but tell them not to tell him about you. He would be frustrated and would realise how much he loves you. You can switch off your mobile for a week and in the mean time buy another prepaid card so that you are in touch with your parents on that. Let him exahust himself.

My wife left me out of the blues after an argument and that did baffel me. I was frustrated, angry and was thinking i would not forgive her if she come back. She left me on her sisters provocation which frustrated me but in a few days i realised how much i loved her and could not stay without her. I have agreed to anything she says but she is so adamant. The problem in my case is my wife has not sat down with me to have a word. If there was any anger in her, she cannot just leave without talking.

So i would suggest you do some serious talking not once but twice and the second time do not forget to tell him that u are at the verge of leaving. If he loves you he will change and if he does not its not worth it.
I am sure he will change when you are not around. He will initially realise he has the freedom to watch as much porn as he wants. Then the reality would come in as he will miss you not being there. Trust me he would lose all the weight you wanted him to lose. :) If you decide to go back, ask him to go with you to the GUM clinic to get his health checked. If he loves you he will go and only after that can you think of having a baby. Normally the the thoughts about you having an affair come to his mind only because of the porn. The more he watches the more he thinks all woman are like that and the more he will accuse you. So you will have to sort out the porn issue as soon as possible.

Let us know if we can offer more advice and if you are from India i know exactly how you fell.

Regards,
Indi

[Indi]

Hi Susan,
I can understand the frustration you are going through at the moment. Well me and my wife too had an arranged marriage. We are from India and have been here for little more than 3 years.

Well i think first thing you would want to do is sit with your husband and have a word. You would have to be very clear about your feelings (coz may be he is so absorbed in his own world that he does not know how you feel). Ask him to just sit and listen and not argue during your conversation. List him (write them down before hand) all the issues you think needs to be addressed and tell him they are hurting you and spoiling your marriage. Tell him he would have to chose between porn and you and if ocassionally he wants to see it, he will have to see it with you. I am sure he will not like the idea of you looking at other men (hopefully). Tell him all this but also do not forget to mention how much you love him and care about him.

If this does not work sit with him again but send him a stronger message. Tell him you still love him but are at the edge. Tell him that the next time you see him unchanged you will leave him. Also tell him since you are a partner in life you want to be actively involved in all the investments and spendings. If you can be a professional in studies and have a good job, you can manage the expenses too. I am sure the treat of leaving but with the mention of love will do some good to him.

If that does not work out you will have to get to the last step of opening an account for yourself. Pack you bags and leave from the house. Go to a relatives if you have one or else go to your parents. I would suggest relatives and let your parents say they do not know where you are. Take a leave from your office but tell them not to tell him about you. He would be frustrated and would realise how much he loves you. You can switch off your mobile for a week and in the mean time buy another prepaid card so that you are in touch with your parents on that. Let him exahust himself.

My wife left me out of the blues after an argument and that did baffel me. I was frustrated, angry and was thinking i would not forgive her if she come back. She left me on her sisters provocation which frustrated me but in a few days i realised how much i loved her and could not stay without her. I have agreed to anything she says but she is so adamant. The problem in my case is my wife has not sat down with me to have a word. If there was any anger in her, she cannot just leave without talking.

So i would suggest you do some serious talking not once but twice and the second time do not forget to tell him that u are at the verge of leaving. If he loves you he will change and if he does not its not worth it.
I am sure he will change when you are not around. He will initially realise he has the freedom to watch as much porn as he wants. Then the reality would come in as he will miss you not being there. Trust me he would lose all the weight you wanted him to lose. :) If you decide to go back, ask him to go with you to the GUM clinic to get his health checked. If he loves you he will go and only after that can you think of having a baby. Normally the the thoughts about you having an affair come to his mind only because of the porn. The more he watches the more he thinks all woman are like that and the more he will accuse you. So you will have to sort out the porn issue as soon as possible.

Let us know if we can offer more advice and if you are from India i know exactly how you fell.

Regards,
Indi

[Indi]

sorry for the smily.....i did not realise i had clicked on the worng face......

[susan12]

Thanks Indi for your advice.Very kind of you.I am glad u took time to answer my confusion.Thanks again very much.Regards - susan