Have I had an affair ??. Please help

[SueDev]

Hi. Can someone please help, I'm at my wits end here. I have been married for almost 13 years to the most lovely, gentle man in the world. For the most part I was very very happy apart from one massive issue which was his mother. From the start she was very unwelcoming of me and I took that as a huge blow because I desperately wanted to be part of her family. I suppose I could say she wanted everything her way, so, if they wanted to visit us and we were out/busy, she would take this as us not wanting her and would be very difficult with us on our next meeting. We talked to my father in law who constantly told us she was depressed and was having issues with her own parents.
So, when I had my first child - which was a difficult birth where he almost died. I wanted to recover for the first couple of days before having visitors. This made her kick off big time and it upset me greatly...
Anyway for the next few years she has been quite difficult with us. We never seem to know what to do for the best as we're always being accused of being uncaring towards them - NOT TRUE at all. I was so undone about it that I would insist my husband talks to her to make things right. She never really has much interest in the children - it's mostly my husband who gets the attention. I always expected my husband to sort it all out and he never really did. I realise now that it was an impossible task. I used to write letters to her telling her we loved and cared for her and wanted her in our life and I also spoke with her on the phone. She just replied by saying my husband was different these days and their relationship was not as loving as it once was i.e before we married. There is alot more detail to this but in a nutshell it put a strain on our marriage. A few years ago I started playing my sport again and not intentionally developed an 'admiration' for a fellow club member. We'd send flirty texts to each other - nothing deep and intimate - but it made me feel alive and wanted. Sad to say, an ego boost. Anyway, one night, on an end of season do we danced alot together and afterwards spent the night together - although we did nothing but cuddle and slightly kiss each other - nothing passionate.
I just needed his tenderness for some reason and actually told him I couldnt betray my husband. Needless to say I felt wretched and have done ever since. I stopped playing my sport - feigning an injury - and I confessed all to my husband. He took it on the chin and saw the state and how sorry I was. I consider myself to be very lucky. However. It's 2 years on and I can't forgive myself. I have always been such an upstanding person and never done wrong by anyone. I have had counselling and went to Relate but it still didnt help. I look at people in the street and wonder what they would think of me if they knew what I'd done. My husband and I get on very well together, I am very honest at all times and we talk about our feelings alot. Our family life is not affected at all but I just can't move on. I feel contempt for my in-laws at the way they have treated us and probably blamed my husband for it - now I realise that I should have never interfered in my life so much as to affect our marriage. I deeply regret what I did and would never ever do such a thing again. I'm not the same person anymore and sadly if it wasnt for my 2 children I think I would have ended my life the day after I did such a terrible thing....

[Liz]

Dear SueDev

You seem to have identified a key part of the issue that you are facing and that is forgiving yourself. I wonder are you a perfectionist? I think most maried people if they sat down and were completely honest would say that they had hurt their spouse at some point. While heading down the road towards infidelity, you did turn back and sort things out with your husband. You cannot turn back the clock but you can move forward together.

I don't know how best to advise you but I will share something that happened to me. I am a Christian and so my experience may or may not ring bells for you, but here goes.

One day I was involved in an altercation with someone, and when I came home I suddenly realised how unkind and thoughtless I had been. I was devastated and desperately wanted to go and find the person concerned and apologise. Unfortunately she was a stranger and I didn't know where to find her. I felt ashamed, embarrassed and distracted. I started praying about it and I felt that God was saying to me, that I wasn't actually interested in the other person's feelings, but I wanted to put things right so this person wouldn't see me in a bad light. In this case for me pride was involved. Part of the Christian faith is that we can't get things right all the time which is why Jesus came to pay the price for our sins. Otherwise we would be carrying the guilt of many of them around. I was able to move on in the end by recognising that I had hurt this person and there was actually nothing I could do to make myself look better again and to heal the hurt. I could not change the situation, but I was still loved by God.

I don't want to draw too close parallels with your situation, but you have been able to seek forgiveness and healing from your husband. He has forgiven you and loves you despite this, just as you love him despite the pressures from his family. That sort of love, accepting us warts and all, is the sort of love which sustains marriages. You and your husband have something very precious. He wants you around, with him as his soulmate for life. Accept his love, whether you think you deserve it or not. Few of us do really "deserve" love - it is a surprising and wonderful gift.

If I might suggest that you could also consider what forgiving (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/forgive/) and accepting your mother in law might look like. I suspect that she isn't going to change. She is trying to hang onto the past relationship with your husband as her little boy and that is not healthy. My children are just leaving home and forming adult relationships and I have struggled with jealousy that others are now more important to them. I can understand why your mother in law is behaving this way but I don't condone it. There is an interesting resource here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffparenting/parentinlaw/) about in-laws. Do read it and see if it gives any clues as to how to respond to your mother in law.

You can find wholeness again. It may take time, but your family needs you and they love you.

Liz

[SueDev]

Hi Liz.
Many many thanks for your reply. I think you're right. I am a perfectionist - when it comes to the way I treat people and live my life - and as you so rightly said, noone is perfect and we do all make mistakes. It's important to learn from them and move on. I know what I did was not at all justified, I suppose it makes me a bit more normal and human. I will never forgive myself fully for what I did but I will now love myself again for what I didnt do i.e not giving myself to someone else and for having the strength of character to actually say - look I can't betray my husband, this is wrong.
I know alot of people think it wrong to tell a spouse that they have 'wandered'. In my view, I believe a marriage is based on honesty and trust and I believe my husband had a right to know what I did - and probably why - so that he could make his mind up whether he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me knowing what I had done. He actually respects and trusts me just as much as before - if not more. He knows I am honest and knows how this has crippled me.
I think I do deserve my husband and his love. You made me see that - yes - we do hurt one another in marriage and I have had the lions share of that in my marriage !. I hadnt actually thought of it that way.
Thank you for making things clearer for me.
I think you're right about my mother-in-law. I have forgiven her for the way she's been. I've never been anything but polite and respectful to her and I always will. I won't forget what she put us through and I am still quite wary of her but now I've accepted her for what she is things are much easier.
Thank you again for you advice. It certainly has hit home.