Internet porn is it an illness ?

[jaxback]

I first caught my partner looking at internet porn 3 years ago. I have caught him a further 3 times after he had promised it would stop. Yet again I have caught him after he knew exactly what the consequences would be after last time. Otherwise he is very loving and our sex life was great he never had any complaints. I have even bought software than retrieve deleted files just so I could check what had been looking at because I foulnd a lot of teen & rape stuff. If I had found any kiddy porn I would have reported him to the police. I have found that it has taken only days after being caught each time to start again and worse he has downloaded a lot of it onto his phone and I know he shares files via bluetooth at work I have put a pc guard on so that I know he he attempts anymore hits bit still think he will get porn on his phone somehow. And if he is totally unable to access the porn will he go looking for the real deal ?

[markus]

If he's that desperate to view porn do you think he would turn down the real thing ?
Or even worse with the percentage being high with men using hookers do you think he's not already invested in one ?

You have a sex addicted man on your hands , send him to councilling if your not happy with it

[jaxback]

Do you think counselling works ? Don't you think he should want to stop if he risks losing his family ? Can people possibly change ? My head is full of unanswered questions. As a man do you understand why he does it ?

[helenrw200]

Counselling only works if the person wants to change something .......and that goes for any problem you might have not just porn.

The problem I've found with my partner is that he cannot ( or refuses to ) see any harm in looking at porn, we've had countless rows and discussions about it, I've explained my reasons for my dislike of it until I'm blue in the face, he's promised everytime to stop.......... but until he accepts that what he's doing is unacceptable to me , he will carry on doing it on the sly.This leaves me with 2 choices, put up with it or leave.

I almost drove myself mad with internet spy programmes , deleted file recovery programmes, checking his mobile etc......... everytime finding something I didn't like. That was when I decided to get counselling for myself as he wouldn't.My counsellor helped me to admit what I already knew deep down, I'm not responsible for his actions, I cannot change him, only he can do that... if he wants to... and most importantly unless I'm prepared to follow up my threats to leave with actions then they are empty threats and not worth the bother. She helped me to start to value myself and concentrate on me .

My partner not only paid for " live " porn on the net, but had numerous sexual txt and phone conversations on his mobile with a woman ( maybe women .. who knows ) he met on a TV dating channel, so I'd have to say yes, it can and does go further than looking at porn. Whether they ever met up is anyone's guess, he denies it of course but then he would...

I don't yet have the strength or financial wherewithall to leave and he refuses to , so what I've done is take a step back, stopped checking up ( the knowledge was doing me no good, what would I do with it if not leave ? It didn't help me to know ) but in doing this I've made him responsible for his own actions and eventually he'll have to live with the consequences. I'm concentrating my efforts on me.

I'm a little sceptical of the phrase " sex addict " I think there are very few men who can truely be described as addicted to sex, for the most part they continue to do it because they can, and know they can get away with it , not because they don't have the self control to stop, and indeed from what I've experienced they very much don't see why they should.

For me it's about respect, there are things I know my partner doesn't like for his own reasons and I wouldn't continue to do things that I knew he found upseting or disturbing because it would show a total lack of respect for his feelings, he is disrespecting me by continuing an activity that he knows I have valid reasons to dislike, he's risking our relationship , despite saying he loves me, because he personally sees no harm in it . The harm, he may one day realise ,is the risk of not having the woman he purports to love.

He's a middle aged man who likes to watch naked teens perform sexual acts for his pleasure.....and pay them for doing it. Now that's sad ! One day when he finds himself alone, he might jst realise how sad that really is !

My partner does the bluetooth thing at work too....... hmm free porn not likely to turn that down is he ? There's nothing I can do about it so now that's exactly what I do , it does mean that his sex life suffers with me as I find him quite a turn off now I've seen inside his mind , so to speak.

I was sexually abused as a child until my middle teens, I was photographed and filmed , drugged and made to perform sexual acts with my God parents from age 5 when my mum left my dad, dad had a nervous breakdown and my God parents who lived next door abused the trust placed in them and abused me. I still have abject fears and horrendous nightmares that those films might turn up on the net one day... so I think my objections to porn are valid ones, I've never hidden this from any partner and have always made it clear from the start and explained my reasons. So he always knew, guess he thought he could keep it secret ?

Anyway, just wanted you to know you're not alone in this.


Helen

[jaxback]

Helen,

Thanks for your insight . My domestic situation is also complicated. 3 years ago the child protection team turned up with my partners ex had been leaving them home alone and there was allegations of abuse of his eldest daughter by a male friend of his ex. If they could not stay with us they would have to go into local authority care. His ex was charged with gbh , neglect and perverting the course or justice and only got 18 months probation !!!!!!!!!! as she was pregnant. As if by magic she has reared her ugly head saying kids are not his wants DNA etc she has even named the fathers. My partner has residency but if we split social services will be involved he only got them because he was with me ( another long story).

I told him to go and the kids were unconsolable. Nobody has ever stuck around in their lives apart from me.

I feel totally abused and violated that he has done this again as he knew the consequences. I have not only put my life , heart and soul on the line , but my daughters so he could keep his kids. He obviooulsy has no respect for me or the kids.

Part of me wants to see if all the promises he has made come off , part of me says don't get angry get even and the last part says get rid. He can't even tell me why he does it and sex would never be the same unless I knew he was porn free . Your partner does not hide the fact he likes porn mine did there is some very sophisticated software around these days I can catch him even without him knowing pc or phone.

I probable sound bitter and twisted but he has made me the perosn I am after 3 years of grief off him and a futher 5 years from my previous marriage which involved porn , granted the relationship was over well before that but I think it was the final bullet in the gun.

When my current partner could not access my desktop he did it on my daughters can you imagine what it would have done to his eldest daughter if she had seen it or any of the kids for that matter . He has not considered any of us when he has been looking at teens probably only a few years older than his kids they say they are 18 but I doubt it.

I have started to make contingency plans as I am sure I am going to be left with the 4 kids on my own. After reading your post I feel a lot more positive about the future and I realise there are people who have been through a lot more than I have . You yourself have survived the most dispicable atrosity , I can't understand why you are still with your partner after everything you have been though you deserve a damn site better than that , someone who can respect your reasonings its not like your being selfish. It it was purely financial that had any baring on what you are going through I would be out of there like a shot - I have the kids to consider.

Kindest Regards
Jaxback

[helenrw200]

HI Jaxbax

My partner is secretive about his porn viewing , he has gone to great lengths to cover up what he does, however I'm not a trusting person and am quite skilled at finding out the truth, it was only once he was discovered and confronted with proof that he admitted it, albeit reluctantly. His deceitfulness is a big part of the problem for me.

I'm still here for a few reasons, firstly I'm agoraphobic which makes leaving a problem in itself. Secondly my youngest son ( who is 17 ) is autistic and attends a school 100 yeards down the road, for the first time in his life he is able to have a measure of independance by going on his own to school each day unaccompanied by an escort.He's just started upper 6th form and will be doing his A levels this year and so I'm reluctant to move house and upset him, autistic people are very resistant to change in any case. My partner refuses to leave , the house is in joint names.. it's rented ...so it isn't easy to get him to leave quietly.He is absolutely adament that he loves me and does not want to leave me or for me to leave him, but when it comes to porn he appears to lose all sense and reason.

I've done ( as I think I said ) the spyware thing on the pc and recovered deleted files etc, all of which he was unaware of at the time. I made a decision to stop because checking up on him began to be an obsession for me, I already knew he was doing it, I'd seen it in black and white, to keep checking up was only causing me more pain. Strangely I felt a sense of freedom once I stopped.

You are right, your partner has no respect for you if he can keep viewing porn expressly against your wishes. There are plenty of women out there who have no objection to porn, and lots of them enjoy it themselves, what I never understood and never will, was why my partner chose to be with me........if porn is so important to him and knowing my strong views against it, why could he not have been honest and found someone who wouldn't have minded ? He's known from day one about the way I feel.

My point to you is this.......you already know your partner has viewed these images, if you keep checking up and find he's still doing it are you prepared to walk away ? If not then there is no point checking up , it will hurt you as much as it hurts him and threats are useless unless you can follow them through with actions.

I'm at the point now that everytime a scantily clad teen appears on anything, I wonder if he's lusting after them, I don't trust a word he says about anything. It can be a living hell. Add to this the fact that I have had severe clinical depression for the last 10 years and have battled to give up A/D's and it doesn't make for a happy or stable life.

I have 2 sons and I don't know how I'd cope if I had daughters living under the same roof as a man who lusts after teenage girls, which I know he does, I don't think I'd get a minute's peace.

I survived my past by burying it deep and not confronting what happened to me until a few years ago when it all began to surface.. hence the depression... ultimately it drove me to attempt suicide but when I survived that I became determined to beat the depression and not let what had happened to me destroy what life I had left. Counselling has helped me to face things and become more confident and I'm now turning my attention to beating the agoraphobia. Once that's done I'm hoping I will have the strength to leave , until then I'm standing back and leaving him to make his own choices, ultimately he will be the one that has to live with them.The one thing he doesn't have is me, my trust , or my love and respect, that was his choice when he chose porn.

I hope things work out for you and I wish you luck, because it's a battle royal and there really are no winners.

Love

Helen

[jaxback]

Hi Helen,

I have decided to see how it goes for the time being, the very next time that I catch him and I will catch him its only a matter of time, I will make him leave . I am taking your advice and looking after myself . I am making plans to go it alone.

Can you not explain your circumstances to your G.P ? Surely if you explained he may be able to point to in the direction of an agency that could help you either get him out or re- home you to suit both you and your sons needs. Your health is not being helped by staying with him , from what you have said previously about his porn activity you may find some of what he has been doing is illegal. Tell him that you intend to get the police involved if he doesn't leave. The fact that he does it a work is massive tell his employer, screw him into the ground just like he has done to you . if you can tell me the area that you live in I will happily help you look for someone who may be able to help you either get rid of him or re-house you. I'm beggining to hate your partner more than my own !!!!!

Please stay in touch even if it is just to get it off your chest now and then.

Christina ( Jaxback) x

[helenrw200]

Christina

Thank you so much for your words of support and your offer of help, it means a lot to know there are people out there who understand .

In a strange and quite twisted way it would be easier ( in a legal sense ) if we were married and owned the house ! I have been under the care of a psychiatrist for depression for the last 2 years and if it were the neighbourhood or an actual problem with the house , he could help with applying for better living conditions, it seems this doesn't apply if it's the person you are actually living with that's causing the problem ! It would also be far easier if I were married and could divorce on the grouds of his unreasonable behaviour, if we owned the house I could then get legal help to ask him to leave , as things are we are simply co tenants who both signed the agreement and as long as the rent is paid it seems I can't force him out.

I actually find it sad, pathetic if you like that he lusts after teenage girls, and also that he has to pay to watch , I can't be bothered to hate him, all I feel now is indifference. As I said, I don't know if he still does it, I no longer check, I suspect he does , he was never able to stop before.. but that's his choice.

When we first met we had such a lot going for us , he's destroyed that for a cheap thrill, again that was his choice. I've learned from the experience and I won't make the same mistake twice. My concerns now are different, they are for my own health and I'm getting there, I was a counseller before my own ill health forced me to stop work and with some time ...and help, I intend to one day go back to work and maybe even specialise in relationship problems this time, I certainly feel I've experienced some of the worst for myself !

You come across as a strong and caring person, don't let your partner destroy that, hold on to your self esteem, if you believe in your own strengths you can achieve anything you set out to.

Love

Helen xx

[Sad Wife]

I have been postng on this site for some time now, as my husband and I have been having these problems our entire marriage (now 2 years, 4 months). I found the porn a week before the wedding, and should have listened to the inner voice that told me to postpone... but the plans were all made and he was SOOO convincing with his "just something I did because you weren't with me" (we were long distance before wedding).

getting rid of the porn and then the internet didnt help... I found out he started going to strip clubs instead when he said he was at work. And the lies! A couple of times he had to take money out at the ATM, I guess he didnt have enough for all the lap dances or something. But then he would make up some elaborate story about his gas getting siphoned at work, and the credit machine at the pump didnt work so he had to use the ATM. We almost bounced checks because of that one... my paycheck hadnt gone through yet. Or he had to pay for a class for work and they would reimburse him later. I guess he didnt realize that the address of the ATM shows up on the bank statement, and it was the same as the one on the huge strip club billboard he drives past everyday.

He tried to claim it was only twice when I cought him the day he returned to work after our 2nd anniversary vacation, but I dont believe it. I actually dont believe anything he says anymore, and I am starting to doubt I ever will. I am trying not to check up on him now, even though I feel sick at the thought of maybe he is still doind porn (we have internet again) or going to clubs when he is supposed to be at work. But I cant afford to leave right now anyway, so I guess there isnt any point in looking or threatening. We are working on paying down the debt, and I have found myself begining to detach, like I am just waiting till I can get out. But at the same time I am almost 28, and really want to have a baby, and I just wish that like Hopeful from the other thread he would really realize what he is doing and change, instead of feeding me more lies about how he doesnt want to hurt me again, and he really gets it, and is going to change.

I just dont know how to trust again, or if I even want to. Its hard to be married to someone and wonder sometimes if you love them anymore. Neither of us have said I love you much since early in the marriage, but now on the occasions he actually does say it I just repeat it because that is the expected response. I guess when leaving actually becomes a viable option we may need some counseling or something to decide what to do. I know he will go along with it, but I just dont know that him making promises of stopping to a stranger will make me feel any better than the promises he has made and broken to me.

Anyways, sorry for venting, but I dont talk about this to my friends (too embarresed) and the frustration just builds up sometimes.

[Choyce2010]

Dear Jaxback,

I am very sorry to read about the problem of "porn" having such an impact on your married life. I too found out my husband had been viewing "porn sites" containing scantily clad or naked lovely looking females. He liked "real women" not teens/boys/weird stuff. It still UPSET me to my core. We attended counseling twice, once w/ a male counselor who told my husband “if” this made me uncomfortable, he should STOP or be prepared to face the consequences of me leaving him. We have what many would consider the American Dream; we own our home, 2 cars, and 3 children together etc..

After our meeting w/our male therapist, my hubby did NOT do “porn” for 3+ yrs & then I discovered him rising very early in the morning & “knew” he had began viewing porn once again. I check the "history" on his computer & found he had began viewing "soft porn" websites. I then confronted him about my findings. He was quite embarrassed & told me he did NOT want to lose our marriage b/c of the porn. We went to counseling again, this time w/a female therapist. We both explained from our view point how “porn” was affecting our marriage (I wouldn’t make love w/him for weeks after what I re-discovered). The therapist asked what type of “porn” was he viewing? Feeling quite embarrassed he told her “pretty women – Playboy types”; she asked me to confirm, which I did. On our next appt she wanted to see us individually. He went saw her the first 25 mins & I saw her the 2nd part of the 25 mins. After speaking w/our therapist, my husband came out looking a bit smug. Next, I went in & thought I was going to have a “heart attack” b/c this female therapist (very heavy mid-age woman & morbidly obese) told me I shouldn’t concern myself, if my husband was only viewing what she considered “soft porn”. She indicated I was the one w/the problem! And, concluded our visit by saying something like: “You should be happy that he isn’t out at the strip joints or paying for sex etc., etc.” I was flabbergasted to say the least. I also told her that I disagreed w/her b/c in marriage & other loving relationships; people do NOT hurt the people they purportedly love in any way, shape, or manner!

You can imagine why my husband had a smug look after his visit was over w/our “overweight” therapist. Perhaps, that would “suit” her just to keep a man; however, it wasn’t going to work for me. I made it clear to my husband; he could either enjoy himself & his “soft porn” alone w/out me & his family or he could chose us. He chose us & signed up for sexual addiction anonymous classes. He had to purchase a book by Patrick J. Carnes, titled: “Out of the Shadows” which HELPED him understand WHY he liked viewing “soft porn”. It turns out that when “he” is feeling overwhelmed (who isn’t), is feeling lonely & unappreciated, lacks self-esteem or want to view these Playboy bunny type women is b/c he doesn’t want to have to “do anything” to enjoy viewing these women’s bodies (w/out having to investment himself in anyway---a quickie of sorts) he just wanted to be able to enjoy himself in pure “male” fantasies. Well, that might work for a bachelor, but for a married man…OH NO it won’t!

After attending several “sexual addiction” meetings & learning what “his triggers” were he would get busy doing other stuff…like getting some extra chores done, playing more w/the children, talking to me & us going out on a date & staying away from the computer (he would also let me know when he felt “low” & b/c I love him & he is an excellent Father/Mate/Friend/Lover/Husband I paid extra attention to him when he was feeling low). Didn’t regret going through this portion of our life; I do believe it helped us by getting us to communicate better & being more open & honest about our feelings. Once either of us “revealed” our “truest inner feelings” they were held in the highest esteem. Neither of us used them against each other & therefore we were able to “feel closer” than before.

Joining a “sex addicts group”, reading about porn & talking to me helped us both understand this insidious vile morally corrupt too easily available “porn” on the internet to the degree where he doesn’t have the need (note: I didn’t say “desire” b/c in truth all addictions are but one step away) any longer & he knows his “triggers” & follows what the Patrick J. Carnes, sexual addiction book instructions & so do I b/c he is well worth it to me. I had to psyche myself up too b/c it was rough on my “self-esteem” (although I am still attractive, but one can easily think we can be replaced by a lovelier younger woman) but soon I learned, this wasn’t about my low self-esteem, but about his (on occasion) poor self-esteem.

I believe WE have been able to overcome my husband’s addiction to “soft porn” b/c of the info "we armed ourselves" with the proper group, information & had the desire to want to work on our marriage together for OUR sakes & 2ndly our children’s sakes. There is always hope as long as one is ready to ask for it & receive it as a God send.

Jaxback, I hope you will be able to have your hubby realize he cannot handle this alone & perhaps a “addiction group” would help him as well as “reading” up on the “whys” of sexual addiction. Doing “nothing” about this internet menace is breaking up too many otherwise, decent, caring, loving relationships. PEACE!!!
Choyce2010
(a newbie, but a successful veteran of porn)