Advice Please

[mystified]

Things have become interesting (not) in ny marriage breakdown.

She's been having an affair for over two years and I found out when his wife phoned me. Of course my wife tried to deny everything and play it down and say that his wife was a nutter.

Anyway recently his wife started divorce proceedings on the grounds of adultry and so he moved out and moved into my home town about 2 miles from where I live. My wife sees him every day and stays overnight so our marriage is over. I've just recovered from the shock of realising he was here and that my worst fears were true.

However the problem now is the children. She wants me to move out and to agree terms. She's also got quite pushy and nasty as she wants to 'move on'...the fact that she 'abused' my trust and played me for a fool doesn't seem to fizz on her. She also believes that the kids should be with her in our house....naturally he'll move in. I haven't done a thing wrong (except be a mug) but yet it looks like she has the aces.

Here's the rub though......he's an alcho - she thinks he's just a heavy drinker but he lost his job over it and he couldn't look after his own children when he was at home all day....he spent many a day lying drunk. I fear for my children as I have brought them up with no issue like this to face....no I'm not lilly white but I have put a lot into looking after my kids.....I don't remember when last I spent a night away from them.

The plot thickens....he's now been banned from driving (drink).

So what should I do.......


Fight to look after my kids as I am as good a father as she is a mother and they wouldn't have to go through living with an alcho.

Walk away from it all and hope that my kids eventually reject him?


I can't think of a good word to say for her btw......words fail me.

The good thing is that I have confidence in my values and myself....I haven't been too damaged by all of this except who knows if I'm supressing things and I'll blow up one day.

[helenrw200]

I can't see why you should be expected to move out ? I certainly would be concerned for my children given this man's problems and I'd make this clear that him living with her in the marital home isn't an option.
If as you say, the marriage is defintitely over I would seek legal advice asap, are you able to look after the children if she was to move out ? If so I'd push for this at least temporarily. Your first concern is the children ( as should hers be ) and I know from bitter experience that being brought up by an alcholic step parent does not make for a good start in life. At worst it can lead to an abusive situation, at the very least it leads to emotional neglect, for the alcoholic NOTHING is more important than where the next drink is coming from.Children and their needs figure low in their priorities. Find out your rights........ and make sure she knows you will fight tooth and nail to prevent him moving into the marital home, your children deserve better.


Helen

[mystified]

Thanks Helen.
She's threatened to kick me out of the house on a trumped up abuse charge and she's also said she would leave with the children.


Yes I've made it clear that I will fight to prevent an alcoholic living with my kids.....she only thinks he's a 'heavy drinker' but even that would concern me. As you said he's only interested in the next drink. He couldn't even look after his own children without the crutch of the bottle so how can mine expect what they really deserve.

As for looking after my kids myself....well that would be a pleasure and not a chore and I'd manage somehow no matter what the sacrifices......her life is based in fantasy somewhere.....rock concerts and meals and holidays.

I'm now at a stage where I can think straight so I'd be looking for legal advice. I don't see why she should get an easy ride after all I've had to suffer; she seems blind to reason.

[disbelief]

Hi,

As per Helen and your own acknowledgement, seek legal advice IMMEDIATELY. Your wife has obviously drawn some serious battle lines and will go to any lengths to destroy you for her own selfish advantage. Take all steps necessary to counteract this now.

The first thing you need to discuss with your lawyer is her threat of a trumped up abuse charge - this is one case where you're guilty until proven innocent and I've known of a few guys whose lives were turned upside down over such a lie (including lying alibies). In the meantime, muster up all of your restraint and do not even do so much as raise your voice to your wife as this can be added as fuel to the abuse allegations (funny how it usually doesn't work the other way around). I don't mean to make you panic, just stressing the extreme severity of this.

Also, do not leave your home for even one night under ANY circumstance unless the law literally drags you out (which shouldn't happen). No doubt she's hoping to play the abandonment card - come to think of it, discuss this term with your lawyer and see if your wife's overnights can be considered abandonment and charge her with it if you can.

The trick is to start playing really tough without having any threatening tones. Also, quietly compile any evidence you can about the affair and the alcoholic boyfriend - if it comes to it, get a testimony from the alchie's wife. Fight tooth and nail to have primary custody of your children (being male, I know it's practically impossible, but such miracles can happen in extreme situations). At the very least, fight hard for equal custody and living arrangements if there's absolutely no hope for primary custody.

Keep posting and let us know how it goes - my thoughts are with you.

Disbelief

[mystified]

Hmmm......my post didn't go anywhere so here goes again.

Thanks for the kind words.

The truth behind my story is probably worse than I have stated but I'm not going to go into more detail about what he and she have done.

Yes she has tried to destroy me....not deliberately but she has not paid any regard whatsoever to me or to his wife. I wouldn't have believed she could have been so selfish.

I've seen fake abuse charges before and it's a card that solicitors seem prepared to advise - how can a man be guilty until proven innocent - yes I know a women is very vulnerable but it's a sick game to play.

She spends every night with him so yes it's verging on abandonment....who's here to look after them every night...moi.

I'm not sure what you mean about playing tough...she thinks she has all the aces and so does her solicitor.

Evidence of the affair is abundant...his wife has got a dosier which she used during their divorce. Yes she will help give evidence about his drinking. He also scored a great own goal this week......he'll be walking everywhere for the next year.

I'm just beginning to come to my senses....even though I've been pretty strong through this abuse...and yes that's what it has been. It's only now that I can start to think clearly. I don't really want to get back at her - I just pity her now as she's not half the person she used to be. I just need to protect my children from potential abuse. As his wife says...he needs attention 24/7 and that leaves no time for other people's children. He'll be on his best behavoiur now but after a couple of months the bottle will start to call out his name. How could I walk away and leave my beautiful children to that *****.


My only concern is that if and when I meet him I don't know what would happen...I have two years of anger which might come out. Goading me over the phone with details of what he's done is something that isn't part of my make-up.

For anyone else who's going through a rough time.......have faith in yourself and find somebody to talk to.

[disbelief]

Hi Mystified,

Sorry if I was seemingly pounding away at the obvious in my last post - I guess hearing this sort of thing really gets my back up!


I'm not sure what you mean about playing tough...she thinks she has all the aces and so does her solicitor.


I think the key to that statement is the word "thinks". It sounds like a big bluff really, and I'm sure a decent solicitor on your side would agree that you have a very strong case. Making your case and intentions known via a reputed solicitor is along the lines of what I suggested about playing tough.

I hope things fall into place for you and your children - I can only imagine the feelings you must have knowing they may be subjected to an alcoholic lout. I truly hope that your wife realizes the folly of this before it's too late. Alternatively, I'm sure you'll remain the primary force of stability in their lives and they will always love you for this. As you said, it's good to talk it out with others as I know how much pain and confusion this sort of thing causes initially.

Take care,

Disbelief