Advice Please

[MJJ10]

Please help. Have been married for 4 years, thought we had the perfect marriage, both got good jobs, tell each other we love each other every day etc. We are both from up north but live in london and have always been a great team. I have never cheated on her, never would and have always believed the same from her side. We are planning a baby at present and everything in the garden seems rosie.

However recently my wife a marketeer went on a business trip, on her return she told me how she'd been out until 6am etc and had been clubbing etc. I didn't mind as I totally trusted her, but then she started receiving and writing furtive emails and text messages. I became suspicious, but honestly thought I was being stupid. Then i did something I wasn't proud of, I read her emails and found that she was telling a friend how she'd been a bit naughty (but not too naughty). I confronted her and used the excuse that she'd left her email up and i happened to read the mail. She assured me there was nothing to this, she was just being funny with her friend.

I accepted this and didn't push any further, though I suspected I was a little naive. Then recently she brought her work lap top home and again I checked her email,( this time I suppose I wanted to reassure myself nothing had gone on). However I found emails from and to this other fella from the business trip, a barman in the hotel, laughing about the "great kisses" and how the hotel room windows will need cleaned after all the hand prints on etc.

I then read other mails from and to other people. One talks of her developing a new "friendship" with a bloke at work, she states, i know its wrong and i'll burn in hell but you know what i'm like with blokes at work.

Another has a mail to a different bloke at work, saying she wishes she could play footsie, give him a back rub, and one saying "lets do it again really soon xx" . Now I know my wife has a very gregarious job, can be a bit flirty and I know some of these back rub type messages will only be in jest or relate to a pub lunch type visit. However I feel totally betrayed about 1) the deceit from the business trip, 2) the new developing "friendship" and 3) why the need to send suggestive emails to all and sundry

To make matters worse I play on the same sports team as all of the blokes at her work, I know the ones she is emailing and developing friendships with and count them as my friends. I go to the pub with them and as far all is concerned we have a great marriage so i feel totally betrayed by people I thought were my friends.

I have no proof she has slept with any of these guys, even the business trip as it focuses more on kissing than anything else. My mind is all over the shop, how can I confront her as she will know i've been snooping on her email ( which I hate myself for), however how can I not when the danger is I either find out someting i really don't want to hear or may be able to nip any impending affair in the bud. she is 32 and i'm 35. I really don't want to think what i'l do if she is having or has had an affair, it will devastate me and destroy my faith in marriage, women, and someone who I count as my best friend,

I need advice please, as i'm going stir crazy. Do I say something and admit i've checked her mails or ignore it and hope i'm being paranoid.

Thank you.

[Kate]

Hi there

I can understand that once your suspicions have been aroused then it's hard not to check those emails. But that in itself can disturb the trust between you. Having said that I can't imagine why any married woman would want to make a habit of writing emails like that to male colleagues.

If your wife's attention is really wandering, then perhaps the best question to ask is how can I get it back onto me? Why not try talking about your relationship and make some plans together for a fun holiday or to do something together regularly, like going for a swim or taking up a new hobby. You could even consider doing some marriage enrichment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) to spice up your marriage.

If it is just harmless fun then you'll have a great time together and if she is getting dissatisfied with your marriage you will get her interest back.

Kate

[MJJ10]

Thanks for your reply. As it happens I booked a trip to Venice the other week for our anniversary, these emails have been going on afterwards. Also the business trip escapade happened the week after I’d taken her to Vienna for her birthday and we had a brilliant time so that’s what make it very hard, on the surface our marriage is great, it seems she maybe craves attention or security from others.. I don’t know .

Anyway I took your advice and didn’t mention the e-mails. However I played football with her colleagues last night. She is off work at present, when I got home I said someone had said in jest that “John” is really missing her. I asked her why a colleague would be really missing her and why did people think they could be so familiar with my wife.

To be fair she agreed and said she would back off the texts, emails and trips to pubs etc. I said I had no problem with her going to pub/ coffee etc with male colleagues, what I have a problem with is if the conversations are of a suggestive and too personal nature. She said most were her playing agony aunt to their relationship problems, but I said this can easily be construed as something else and could easily lead to something more.

She said she’d never looked at another bloke since we met so that couldn’t/wouldn’t happen, however I know she got up to no good “kissing” as it were on the business trip so don’t fully buy that one. However she had just changed job, was probably swayed by attention and mistakes can happen when hammered as we all know, though a subsequent email did say she was “dying” to meet up again, though I don’t believe they ever did.

The developing friendship with the other bloke at work, again I could put down to the new job and again don’t believe anything happened as such, but I’m still hurt by the ” I know I shouldn’t and I know I’ll burn in hell quip”. Anyway she knows I’m watching, I’ve told her I’m not going to stand for cosy dalliances down the pub and suggestive texts, emails, and she accepts I’m right about this. She rarely brings her laptop home so I’ll not be able to check her mails, which is a good thing for my sanity. The way I see it now is we carry on and hopefully be ok, if I find out through other sources that these emails and texts are still going on, then I will bring out the evidence I have and confront her with it all. Hopefully it will not come to that. Am I being naive or should I confront her now? Thanks again.