help!

[nick01]

My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years, together for 16 years in total. We have 3 kids under 6, youngest of which is 5 months. We were childhood sweethearts and have grown up together. Trouble is, he has recently confessed that, although he loves me, he does not know whether he is in love with me any more and whether in fact whether he has ever been. I am devastated, he is the love of my life and I don't know what to do.
Some more background - when we met my husband was having severe problems with parents / step parents at home and ended up homeless. I was the only person who helped him. Throughout our lives together we have lurched from one crisis to another, including severe debt; several failed businesses; my husband almost going to prison for fraud caused by sheer desperation (all of we kept a secret); a sever bout of depression (him); and 3 miscarriages. Throughout it all we have always pulled together and we always said it was 'us against the world'. Things have now settled down, my husband runs a very successful business (which adds its own pressures) and I help out a little from home (because we discovered we could not work together) whilst looking after our 3 children. There has been underlying tension for a long time, probably 6+ years, and we have both put this down to the external stresses to our marriage. But now that these are over, he has confessed that he feels numb inside, feels that he doesn't want to be here, and the only thing at the moment that keeps him from leaving is the thought of everything he has to lose. We have started going to Relate and identified that our relationship as victim (him) and rescuer (me) is no longer valid, and the ironic thing is the more independent, successful and self confident he has become recently the more I have fallen in love with him. I have, however, been guilty over a long period of time of not showing him enough affection, I think caused by the sheer stress of coping with all of the above, plus a comfort zone caused by us having always been so close and always insisting that we would always be together. I have remedied this in recent months. But he thinks that it may be too late, and that his previous need for me and my lack of attention to the marriage may have caused his love to die. He has agreed to 'try' for the next 3 months, after which he feels we will have to consider living separately. Has anyone else been through anything similar? Can anyone offer me any hope of a positive outcome? I cannot imagine a future without him.

[jools]

Hi Nick
(Note added after i'd typed it all --- this is only reflecting MY experience and MY opinions. Your outcome could end happily, with your marriage intact.)

Not usually up this late but my daughter has a load of friends staying. Was only going to "glance" at this before going to bed but your post really drew me in. Sounds a cliche to say I could have written it, but it's true! Excuse me for highlighting parts of what you've said, but i've also experienced these things.

he has recently confessed that, although he loves me, he does not know whether he is in love with me any more
I got that line too. Except my H blamed my lack of affection for him as being the reason for his feelings dying. However, like you, I was constantly struggling with one business failing after another (of my H's) and a spell of imprisonment for fraud (his I should add). Yes it was us against the world --- but it was me that constantly had to pull us out of the poo! He ended up with depression (following an op for prostate cancer) tho he said that the depression was as a result of his feelings dying.

he has confessed that he feels numb inside,
--- My H's exact words! I endured a "dead marriage walking" for 3 and a half years. He never regained his feelings but hung around because he worried about all the consequences of leaving. I survived by trying to constantly "fix" the situation (i.e. - "him"). Like you, once I realised what I had to lose I rediscovered my feelings for him - but too late. My personal opinion is that once a marriage is in crisis us women will adapt and fight to keep it together. Men tend to be more inclined to bail out (not all - but most). I think it's because they "feel" more and we "think" more (hence the thought that a woman's sex organ is her brain!). You only have to look at these mid life crisis web sites to see that it tends to be women who get the "speech" and the men who tend to leave.

I endured this limbo like existence (at times verging on hell) for over 3 yrs befor pushing things that lead to him leaving. It was the last thing that I wanted to happen, but I also could not endure living as I had been. I knew that he was too weak to admit to anything or to make any decisions - so it was up to me to push it. That was 10 weeks ago. I actually felt worse after he'd gone. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost weight. F****** awful in fact! Won't bore you with the details! BUT - as bad as it was, at least my life was no longer on pause. I knew logically that I WOULD come through it. No that's a lie. I know that now - but not at the time. But what's the point when someone doesn't want to come home and doesn't want to be with you?

I was worried about the girls (14 + 17) but they seem to be happier with him gone! I know what you mean about them being successful making them appear more attractive - which is why I'm relieved that he's still making awful business blunders! Even though it might mean that he can't afford to give us money, I'd prefer that cos then I'm less sorry that he's gone (I'm sure you'll understand that logic!).

I have, however, been guilty over a long period of time of not showing him enough affection, I think caused by the sheer stress of coping with all of the above, plus a comfort zone caused by us having always been so close and always insisting that we would always be together. I have remedied this in recent months. But he thinks that it may be too late, and that his previous need for me and my lack of attention to the marriage may have caused his love to die. He has agreed to 'try' for the next 3 months, after which he feels we will have to consider living separately.
Yep! He told me that. It was because I'd neglected him and not "wanted" him that his love gradually died. I also tried to remedy it (for 3 yrs) and he said that he'd "tried". Trouble is, I don't think that he did "try". Men's version of "trying" is to stand there like some force of nature and wait for the feeling to course through them --- whereas you and I tried by engaging our brains and actually made some effort to make things better. Please forgive me, minority of sensitive men, I know this is a generalisation - and only my opinion. Unfortunately, once they get the idea of living separately, that's what they want - and it's only the fear of the repercussions that stops them - rather than their love for their wives and the fear of missing them. I didn't see any point in him staying out of guilt. Why delay something that you feel will happen eventually?

And now? I'm feeling stronger every day. I'm starting to feel more contented and have regained control of my finances. I've strengthened bonds with friends - cos boy do you need them at times like this! The longer it goes without seeing him (my choice) the easier it gets. The bad days are fewer and not so bad. Yes, I worry that I won't meet anyone else -- but then you have to think honestly and ask what you really had anyway. I DON'T like the idea of divorce. I made my vows for life and would have stuck to them. But this has been forced on me so I can't feel guilty. He decided he no longer wanted the marriage.


Can anyone offer me any hope of a positive outcome? I cannot imagine a future without him.

You might come through this. But one thing that occured to me when I used to pray night after night for my marriage to be saved, was "what if it's not meant to be saved?" I was praying to be happy; but what if my happiness lay elsewhere? Like you, I couldn't imagine life without him. He also felt anguish and would cry at the though of a terrible future without his children. Only now is the current reality starting to feel remotely normal. But I am getting through it and I know that it'll all be OK in the end. Sorry - I just thought that this isn't what you wanted to hear and I've gone on a bit --- but I just wanted you to know that even if it doesn't work out you'll cope. Good luck!
Jools XXXXXXX
________
Herbalaire vaporizer (http://herbalairevaporizer.com/)

[nick01]

Jools,

Thanks so much for pouring all that into your reply. I can't believe the similarities in our experiences! I too was the one who always pulled us out of the poo, he admits I have always been his rock and his security. I feel so let down that now he doesn't need me he also decides he might not want me. I also feel it isn't fair for him to decide now that he wants out, however unhappy he feels, as we made a commitment, particularly in terms of having children together, which I would not have done knowing how he felt. You are also right about the 'trying', I think he expects a thunderbolt of realisation, whereas I think we might have to work at it for some time, and try to establish a relationship based on the people we are now, not the people we were. I cannot accept that everything he has said to me over the years was merely as a result of fear of being alone. I also think, although he strenuously denies it, that it is a kind of 'mid life crisis'. I don't doubt that he has experienced unhappiness for a long time, and having tried to pin it down to every other factor, e.g. unsuccessful businesses, debt, rejection by his parents, it has finally come down to 'well it must be my marriage then'!

You're right, it probably isn't what I want to hear right now but I suppose I also fear that I will come to the same realisation that you did, i.e. that I don't want to be without him but I can't be with him. Providing I can live through the initial crap. I also fear that, having got to this point, there is no going back, which seems to have been the case for you.

On a more positive note, I really admire your spirit and strength, I hope I will be able to do the same should the worst happen. Thanks again for your reply, I really was reaching out for someone when I posted that last night. x