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donchin
1st July 2006, 03:05 PM
Here's the situation...My wife and I have been married for 5 1/2 years, and been together for 13. We have 2 beautiful children. 5 & 2. There was an exboyfriend before me who I used to hear about a little here and there, but it was never anything spectacular between them, I guess. Last August they started communicating through email. She found him on a high school website. They started talking (via email) more and more. She would sit in front of the computer for hours emailing back and forth with him. She knew it bothered me, even though I never really said it did. Finally one day I told her how I felt about it and she said she wouldn;t email him as much. She still did just not while I was at home. I later found out they were having some pretty intimate discussions mostly about past sexual experiences. One of those being about the two of them...(she originally said nothing ever happened between them sexually but I can get past that part of it). Another one was how he still loves her and beleives they were meant for each other. I only found out because of some emails I stumbled across. I called home from work one day and she on the phone with a girlfriend from work. About two hours later I called to check on the kids who had been really sick. She was still on the phone with her. Two days later this friend called the house again, and I said, jokingly (to the friend), "Haven't you talked to her enough this weekend?" Well, as you probably guessed it wasn't her. I finally got my wife to admit she was on the phone with this guy. After a VERY emotional discussion, we ended things with them not communicating at all.
Well...here we are some 8 months later and they're emailing again! Now this time she KNOWS how I feel about it, and swears it's not like it was. But if 14 years doesn't change how he feels about her...why would 8 or 9 months? I feel she gets upset and defensive if I ask her about him. I know she called him one day (I saw his # on the redial on our phone) She said she never let the phone ring on the other end, but our # was on his caller ID. I think she had every intention to talk to him, he just wasn't home. I don't want to tell her I don't trust her, but, I can't help thinking during the day if they're talking.
I know how she feels, and (I agree)there is a lack of communications with us at times. and I don't want her to try and get that somewhere else. I really do try, and I want this marriage to work and get stronger. I am truly happy with her, and she said she is truly happy with me. I just have to get past this ex-boyfriend thing.
Thanks for listening..(or reading)

Liz
1st July 2006, 05:00 PM
Dear Donchin

It must be hard to trust your wife when she has deceived you once about her calls and emails, but you seem to have reached an agreement to try and work on your marriage and that seems to be the best way for her to put this man behind her.

You can find a number of resources on communication here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/) on the web site, but why not also consider a marriage enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/datelist.html). These are not counselling but weekends where you can build your communication skills and rediscover some of the joy that there can be in marriage. If you are in USA you can find programes at Smartmarriages (http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory.html) or Marriage Encounter (http://www.episcopalme.com/).

I hope that some of these resources may prove helpful, but you might be particularly interested in this article on rebuilding trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/trust/).

Liz

donchin
1st July 2006, 07:39 PM
I agree. Thank you so much for your help.