dancing again

[lost in it all]

my wife was a topless dancer when we me i work in iraq and she felt the need to dance againe and dosnt kare i dont like it not one bit and am ready to leave her for it what to do??????????

[shadow]

Did you discuss with her before you got married that it would make you feel uncomfortable her dancing nude after you got married?

[Helen]

Hi Nic,

Do you think it's fair to talk about leaving her over this? After all, she was a topless dancer when you met her. If she was good enough for you as was when you met, she should be good enough for you regardless of whether she starts dancing again. BUT I do understand why you don't want her to resume dancing.

Has your wife said why she feels the need to go back to dancing? And, as Shadow says, did you talk about her topless dancing and whether she would continue to do it once the two of you were married?


Helen

[lost in it all]

she went back saying she wanted to have something to make money if we split.
i told her it dont like it and asked her to find something eles. i said she values that club more than me and i dont know how long i can deal with it

[Helen]

she went back saying she wanted to have something to make money if we split.
i told her it dont like it and asked her to find something eles. i said she values that club more than me and i dont know how long i can deal with itWell, you haven't split yet so her justification for doing it now is nonsense. What agreement did you have with her re pursuing the exotic dancing once you were married? If you and she never discussed it or if she never agreed to give it up forever, you cannot demand that she stop now. You can ask her to, the two of you can discuss it but if she refuses to, you cannot do much about it. Yes, I know she is your wife but you are not her keeper. What you can do though is decide how you intend to deal with it - and mean it.

Having gone back and read your previous posts, it seems to me that your wife is doing everything in her power to push you away. She behaves unreasonably, she is abusive, she ignores you, she takes your money without permission and now she has taken up topless dancing again - which she knows you don't want her to do. All the while she talks about doing things 'in case you split up'. 'I moved the savings that you worked for to a secret account because I know you will screw me over...if we split up'. 'I am doing topless dancing because I know you will leave me short...if we split up'. And so on. She is like a scratched record. THE TWO OF YOU HAVEN'T SPLIT YET!!! I would tell her if the two of you split up, it will be because of the way she behaves in the marriage. She sounds immature and she needs to grow up. She also needs to stop treating you like her first husband. You are not him.

Can I ask you why she keeps doing these things? When you argue, do you threaten to leave her high and dry if she does certain things? I am just curious about what lies at the root of her insecurity as this is something that keeps coming up.

If she is that worried about you splitting, she should wait until it has actually happened before taking up dancing again. It is not as if the two of you are dirt poor. You said something about savings in one of your previous posts so she will not be left destitute. I am sure you will give her enough money to find her feet. Then, if you are apart, that would tide her over until she found her first dancing gig, if that is the future she sees for herself, as the mother of a young child...

In terms of your last statement, I would say she values her wants (rather than the club itself) more than you. She is not behaving like a wife. She is behaving almost like a single person. What she fails to understand is that being married is about making mutual decisions to benefit you both and any children you have together. It isn't about pursuing your own selfish goals. If you split, there is not a lot you can do about her decision to take up exotic dancing again. But you could choose to remove your daughter from that sort of environment. Of course, this is the last thing you want. A child needs both parents. I would ask her WHY she feels the need to start dancing NOW when the two of you are still together? And why she persists with this irrational behaviour and making baseless accusations?


Helen

PS: You said something about moving back to the US. Is that still the plan?

[lost in it all]

helen;

i always like to read what you send back you arnt biest. she justifys this cause she feels i am not going to be able to keep a stedy job and be reliable and providing.(the drug)thing. i have not lapsed in tho drugs or drinkink if anthing the only thing i am addicted to is the gym and work. i am at the point i am ready to call it off and start new. i am supposed to supert what she wants to do for work but will thretten to leave me for what i want to do for work(cause she dosnt want to be a prat of me screwing it up or getting hurt)

[shadow]

big question is still, did you two discuss this before you got married, if before you guys got married you told her that it would bother you if she dances after the wedding, cause once man and wife it would not be right for other men to see his wife, then you have a right to be upset. But if you didnt talk about it then really you dont have a leg to stand on in the arguement since she was a dancer when you met her

[lost in it all]

no we didnt talk about it but as my wife she should respect my feelings on it and see it bugs me to the point im going to leave her