Troubled Son.....

[hoxton]

Hello,

This is not about my marraige it is about one of my sons I have three one 2 one 10 and one 11,

My ten year old has always been quite strong willed and we often clash. I have noticed his behaviour in the past six months or so has started to get out of hand. We have noticed money has been going missing out of our jar but I asked the elder two boys they both said no so I left it. Then when I was putting the darts money away ( I am the sec and I look after the money ) it was 15 pound down.

I am going to go up the school and speak to his teacher today and I am also making an appointment at the doctors to find out about going for family therapy,
I am so upset I sat down and spoke to him last night he did not want to speak to his Dad only me, I managed to get the truth in the end by telling him we can not start afresh tommorow if you lie we need to be completely honest with me then we will start again from tommorw, He told me he stole 5 pound last week from my bag then this week he took 10 pound from my darts case he stole 5 pound from his brother and he says he has been taking 1pound to 2pound every day out of our jar,

His school is right next door to where we live so I have let him go to school by him self and for the past few months he has been pleading for me to let him leave at 8.30 he does not start school till 90clock. He said they all play football and because he got bullied at his last school and has only been here a year I wanted to encourage him to make friends ( he has always been a loaner ) So I said yes, The school phoned me yesterday saying he was not in, I panicked but they phoned back 5 mins later to say he was in he was late and missed the register.

He says he went shop with his friend,

His only answer for why he is taking from us is because he wants to buy packed lunch cos he hates school dinners. If I knew he hated them that much I would of done him a packed lunch.

I dont know why this is happening maybe it is because he feels he gets less thatn his brother He skates which not only costs a fortune it also demands a lot of our time, I try and keep my younger two away from the rink as much as poss I only take them with me once a week now, He goes football twice a week and we have just been told they have a space for him at stage coach for sat afternoons it is nearly 300 quid a term and my H does not think it will do any good for him, I think it might give him some of the dissaplin he needs and give him some confidence and give him something to focus on he loves to sing and would love to learn.

He says I am sorry mum Part of me knows it is wrong and part of me says do it anyway,

He wants to play out on the streets like all the other kids I only let mine out for a couple of hours and it has to be where I can see them and I dont want them mixing with them kids I dont mean to sound bad but some of these kids are completely out of control and I want more for my boys than that, We are prepared to spend what ever we poss can to let them mix with better people and to get them into sports anything so they are not street kids,

I am making an appointment this morning with the doctors but I am completely devestated I cried myself to sleep last night he is such an affectionate ten year old,

Please if anyone has any insight or ideas please post,

Thank you,

Amanda x

[jools]

Hi Amanda
I teach in a high school, so was really interested by what has happened to your son. Judging by his age though he's still in Juniors. My first thoughts as I started to read was "drugs" but as I read on and you described the sort of boy that he is and how he was bullied in his last school I am guessing that he is either being bullied for the money OR he is attempting to buy friendship and approval from this new gang of friends. You say he's a bit of a loner so this would fit the pattern. I've seen kids in school do similar things - buy large bars of chocolate for the "popular" kids to get in with them.

I understand your fears about letting him roam with the others on the streets - but don't be over protective or it could backfire as he gets older. Part of the money taking could be a backlash to this. He sound like a quiet sensitive type of boy and he's probably desperately trying to fit in with this new pack of more street wise kids. I think the money is his way of buying into this - unless he is being bullied - which seems unlikely as he's asking to leave earlier to be with his new friends. Bullied kids usually try to stay away from school.

You have to somehow allow him to mix with the other kids while letting him see that stealing money is not a way to keep friends. He obviously needs to feel more confident in himself (the money was a band aid to that). The "Stagecoach" school might help to give him that confidence AND it might introduce him to more like minded friends. Hope some of this helps, Amanda. Lots of love
Jools. XXX
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[hoxton]

Jools thank you so much for your reply,

I also think he maybe trying to buy his friends and maybe it has got out of hand, We have an appointment with the deputy head monday morning,

He has begged me not to talk to his friend ? I dont know if it is because he is embarassed scared or worried of what we might find out my H says we have to know who he is friends with and what is going on.

I am so worried he really is a lovely boy and is very affectionate and will do anything to help anyone but he likes one on one company and gets on with all the neighbours better than kids he is known by all the adults where we live.

We have worked out he has stolen about 70 pounds from us in the past 3 months but in the last couple of weeks he has started taking fivers and a tenner out of my darts money,
Have doctors appointment next week as well.

Thanks again so much,

Amanda x

[jools]

Hi Amanda
Everything you've said about your son fits in with what I was thinking. I know why he doesn't want your H to talk to his friends and it's nothing to do with fear of what you'll find out. You probably won't get much info from these "friends" anyhow. His fear is based on every kids biggest taboo - you do not EVER get your parents involved in ANY problem. It would be the ultimate humiliation in his eyes to have your H talk to his friends. Although I agree that this is tricky as it's such a serious situation. It's like kids in school will never "splam" on other kids to teachers. It's only the very confident kids who speak out about the wrong doers without fear of reprisal.

He does sound like a lovely boy and I'm sure that this is a "blip" on his radar rather than being a sign that he's turning into a life long thief. He was probably acting out of desperation - but obviously needs to appreciate the seriousness of his actions.
Jools. XX
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[AlwaysGreen]

Hello Hoxton.
I agree with a lot Jools has to say, but I also think it might be a phase thing too. My boy also went through something similar, with similar schooling issues and playing out issues. like you , I did not agre with him mixing with the rougher kids of my area and prefered him to stay where i could see him. Money also went missing. Pounds here, Pounds there. When I confronted him with the "Reverse psycology approach" this being, "Sweeh heart, I know there was X amount in there because I only counted it this morning. If you needed a bit extra you should have just asked". I have never counted money in my house, and still don't but the eye notices when it starts depleting, doesn't it.
I too thought, was he buying friendship, was he being bullied for it. On a couple of occasions Yes. He had broken someones something and so needed to replace it. Why he didn't talk to me, I don't know, but he is much more open now.
I still leave money everywhere. I want him to know I still can trust him. He now has a saturday job to earn pocket money.
I realise that most of the time he was using the money he had taken just to buy sweets on the way to school and for tuck money. (he is not allowed sweets by me) so this was a way of him doing something rebelious and that he wanted. he also bought comics and cards and things.
We discuss money openly now in the home. He knows I am aware and I told him I was not disappointed in him, but that I hoped he was disappointed in himself. He asks now. I either say yes, or I say no. Providing I follow it with explaination then all is ok.
As for talking to his friend. Well, if the friend is from similar upbringing, and a good kid, then I am sure he would be ok with YOU talking with him. Dads are generally bigger and more intimidating, and Mums tend to use more tact and have more understanding. Especially if you are the main parent with your husband usually working.
I am sure you will be able to solve this little glich.

[hoxton]

Thank AlwaysGreen,

He is also using the money for sweets football cards but he has been buying packed lunch for school so we have decided he can have packed lunch three times a week, I dont want to talk to his friend if it is gonna make matters worce, We will just ask his teachers to keep an eye on the situation for us.

I really hope it is just a phase he is going through,

Thank you for replying and giving me some more insight I do feel better now I was starting to wonder where everything went wrong, these are the warning signs that he is not happy so I am going to try the best I can to make things right. ( or as right as I can )

Thanks so much,

Amanda x