Is this right thing to do for love?

[Adisiel]

I do not know if I am at the right site. All I undertsand is I need an advice from people who are in the same situation like mine. I have a relationship with a Pakistani and Muslim man. I love him so much that I am sure I am ready to give up everything for him. We are so happy, very very happy together until the time he has to get married to the woman his family choose for him (arranged marriage). I was so hurt and completely broken. But I can't do anything but to accept and let him go. The process is so difficult. And now, I am even at the stage of wanting to tell his family how much I love him. I want to write a letter for his mum in Urdu translated. I want to tell her, I am the woman here who love your son. I am willing to convert and submit my self not only becaus eof my love but because of my belief that this will be the way for me to search the faith I have to live for the rest of my life. I will be very happy if you will accept me for him as I promise to you that I will love him forever." I lsound cheap and desperate I know. I don't care if they will care or not all I want is to tell her how much I love his son. I don't know if this is right but I feel I wouldn't regret doing this. They need to follow their family tradition and I respect that. I don't mind getting another answer "no we are not accepting you". At least I did my best to fight for my love though I will fail. About him, he tried once, but did not insist because I know how much he care and love his mum. He cannot afford to hurt her, and same here. I never wanted him to be a bad son. I am not fully aware if this is right but I am sure that I want to do this. Let me know, if I am wrong give me advice.

[Kate]

Dear Adisiel

I understand that you are devastated by what has happened and grieving for your man. However, I wonder what your motivation is for writing to his mother. Some questions to ask: Would your man be happy about you writing? Would it cause him difficulties in his family? Would it put you in danger? Would it damage your man's relationship with his wife? Are you wanting to do this to help you to feel better? Who will benefit from your writing to his mother?

Sadly there are some things in life that we cannot change. Men choose to marry another woman. People are killed in accidents. Others suffer from unfaithful spouses who leave them. I remember the devastation I felt when soemone I really loved chose someone else. It felt as if the bottom had fallen out of my world, but I had to accept and live with the decision and the bereavement and I came through.

Your man has made his choice - to go with his family's wishes and marry someone else. That does not mean that he didn't love you and does not still hold you dear, but it means that for him, being obedient to his family was more important than what he felt in his heart. Now hsi responsibility is to his new wife, however painful that may be for you. You cannot turn back the clock.

With time you will find the pain will ease and other people and interests will come into your life. The first step in bereavement is in accepting that it is over and cannot be changed.

Think of all the things you can do with your life and all the possiblities that lie ahead. Put your heart into what ever you do in your life and that may help you through this difficult time.

Kate

[Xixi]

Hi there,

It is absolutely up to your man. It is not your fault at all.

I am from a Muslim Country but I am not a Muslim myself. I have seen a lot of arranged marriage in my country years back and things has changed now. As people are more educated now, I think people should have the freedom to choose who is the right person to get married and not the parents to make decision on behalf of them. Like myself, I have a lot of traditions to be followed, but the most important things is respect rather than just follow. Respect parents in law is the most important things.

Before he actually accept his mum arrangement, he should introduce you to his family and see if his family will accept you or not. If he really loves you, he should be firm and tell his mum that you are the woman he loves. I am not sure which country are you from but I am sure that you are not going to stay in his country for the rest of your life.

In fact, now, he has accepted his mum arrangement. It is too late for you to do anything. What you have to do now is think of own your future! My grandmother used to tell me: Don't be too upset with man because he is not the only man in the world, there are a lot of men walking on the street everyday, one of them might be your Mr. Right. Therefore, don't try to be sad with this man who decided to leave you for another woman.

Try to be cheerful and you will get through these!! Trust me.

Xixi

[Adisiel]

I am from Philippines and he is from Karachi, Pakistan. I really appreciate your advice and it directs me into the reality. However, things are really isn't easy. I can't just close my eyes and forget. Because our relationship became my everything, my strength and my inspiration. I am at the stage of all negatives, blaming my self why i love this much, why I didn't even think that this will happen in the end and why why whys?

I want time to move fast and just simply overtake the process of all these pain, especially his marriage on August. Honestly, I don't know how to face each days. This love made me so weak. i am not like this before. I am very objective and just can easily let go. But with him, whom I dearly love and have given up all, I couldn't be my old way. i don't know, I am so confused. I am trying to withdraw from him, but he is still there and I can't resist him he ants us to be friends, he said he will still take care of me. He is going for marriage and will come back here abroad (place where we used to be). My heart says I want to keep him for friends but I don't know if it is possible. Until when and how am supposed to be only a friend with a man whom I loved and dreamt to be with for the rest of my life. I really don't know, really not sure how am supposed to cope with this. But the fact I am writing here and waiting for good advice of people like you only mean I want to move on. still need your guide.

[Adisiel]

Dear Kate,

thank you so much. I feel good about your advice. I am just facing each day as it is. In fact I am planning to go on July to August to my home country. I don't like to stay here and wait until his marriage is over. OMG, 3 months and he will be out of my life', tough to accept ....but I dont know if in my heart he will also be. Do you know this is my second true love. My first love was 8 years ago, the 5 years of my life became a hell. Then again now it happened, I don't know if I have curse or what. Sorry if I sound so frustrated but I really do.

[mihu]

Hi Adisiel,

Don't try to be too upset with a man who even can't decide whether is he love you or not. A man who loves you should be able to protect you all the time and not to hurt you. Go back to your own country, you may able to find someone with same background, culture and interest. I think your life will be better that way rather than try to force yourself to convert into other religion which your whole life will be totally changed. You have to remember love and sex are totally different. A husband is for life. You have to live with this man forever for the rest of life. Why should you take a chance? Why don't you wait until you are really confident with that man before you actually get married!

Cheers!

Xixi

[Adisiel]

Dear Mihu,

Thanks a lot. But I can't go to my country for good because I have responsibilities here to complete for another 5 years. This is the another sad thing, I have to stay here. But you''re right, he made a choice to give me up and that is enough for me to undertsand he doesn't need me in his life. I need to let go. I really have to. Thanks again.

[Adisiel]

I don't like the way I am now. But this is what's happening. I don't want to hurt him but this is what happening.

You are asking why I am everyday asking the same question. I don't have questions because they were already answered. I have only two broken pieces..............

A piece of promise because this is my hope.


A hope that I could be with you for another two years. But that time, may be we are headed into something that we can prove to all we deserve to be together. Or, may be you're right it will be the same I will have the difficulty to let you go, because I love you more, but by that time I don't have the right to question you because you already prepared me in time.

But now, did you ever realize how much this sudden decision (you getting married) changed all my dreams, my inspiration and me as a person. You don't know.

I will drop you this hope you have taken away from me forever.

A piece of love


Telling them the truth (if it is really true) doesn't mean you are hurting them, especially your mum. Telling them the truth and listening to their advice is the true way of getting an answer. You don't need to beg, you just need to be true to your self and at least prove to me (the woman) that you did something for her love for you. I would rather accept to be rejected than do nothing. But all these are useless.



I will drop you this doubt I will keep in my heart forever.


Now tell me, where are those pieces? The answer is… those pieces were only kept because love is not enough.