he makes me feel so unimportant

[bluebell]

hi guys am new to this but need help. will try to keep it short. i have been married for 12 years with two children, 8 and 11, my husband has always been a workaholic and have always felt second best, he was married before and has two children with previous wife. there have been times over the years that i have realised home and children etc are not his priority, like when my sons friend died aged 6 from meningitis, his school was closed and all kids had to be vaccinated, hubby at work no phone call or concern about son. my daughter very sick in hospital and hubby at home with son, found out at time hubby phoned all friends to see who would have my son so that he could go to work. things have been terrible in the last year, my mum died last april i was off work for two weeks and asked him numerous times to have some time off with me, nothing. 3 days after mum died he was away with work, tried to contact him and he did not answer phone and when i rang hotel they said he not booked in, in the same week i found my photo in his wallet ripped up, i asked the question but hubby denied any wrong doing. july last year a debt from my previous marriage which i had been paying off monthly was suddenly being demanded back by one of the big banks. the bank was trying to force us to sell the house, this caused me lots of stress and with every thing else led me into depression, i borrowed money from my dad and children to pay off the bank and am now paying them back. i found out at this time though that hubby share save scheme at work had matured and he had moved all certificates to his office so that i would hopefully not realise, they are worth quite a few thousand pounds and could have paid off the debt. hubby has been working away from home for 2 years, staying away 2 or 3 times a week in february he was offered to come back to where the children and i live, so would mean being at home all the time, we talked and i said would be good for our family etc. hubby decided to not come back to where we are, he told me in a note on the morning he was giving his decision to his boss, no discussions with me, but what hurt was texts to his mum and sister on his phone thanking them for helping him make his decision. i have long felt unimportant to him and the way he treats me hurts badly, but have tried to keep everything together for the childrens sake, he says he loves me and wants us to stay together, but he justs continues to do what he has to do and not think of me at all. things are bad at the moment because monday was the first anniversary of my mums death, he was away with work, and not once did he acknowledge the date or ask me how i was. am not sure i can continue in this marriage any more feeling so unimportant to him. any advice gratfully recieved

[Helen]

Hi Bluebell,

When I read your post, I got the distinct impression that your husband views himself as a seperate entity. By this, I feel he is thinking about himself almost as a single person, rather than as a married father of 2 children. This could be why he finds it so easy to disassociate himself from the kids and from you at times of need. Some people find it easier to ignore a crisis rather than confront an individual in pain. This is the sort of person your husband sounds like.

I know you have had conversations with him but could you tell us a bit more about the subject of these conversations and what was actually said? Does your husband know what sort of crisis point you are approaching? And a part of me wonders what decisions his mother and sister helped him to make. Why was he talking to them and not you - has he said?


Helen

[bluebell]

hi helen
have talked honestly to husband and told him how he makes me feel, neither of us like confrontation so no rows, all he ever says is that he loves me and wants us to stay together. i tell him that the way he treats me makes me really sad. i have told him that i'm not sure if i can live this life any more, and begged him to listen because i want us to stay as a family. he just says he loves me and continues as always!
he asked my opinion on move back to where we live and obviously i said it would be lovely for us all to be together again but i would not force him to do anything as i knew how important his career is, guess i wanted him to come to his own decisions, i have no idea what his mum and sister said to him as he won't tell me, but they do love a drama, and if we were to split the phone lines would be busy! he said that he spoke to them because all i said was "it was his decision to make". i could have lived with his decision if he made it on his own, but he is nearly 50 and i find it hard to accept that he was asking other people things that had an impact on mine and my childrens future.