Please Help Me

[shazza]

I was married to my husband in july 1989, i thought it would last forever, I dont want anyone to judge him as I couldnt stand it, he was I thought a beautiful man and I felt so lucky to have him, I never thought anything like this would happen to us but it has and I can't handle it im not sure how to cope and feel like my life has ended. This week I found numerous emails he has been sending with a polish girl that had started working at his company, they were pure filthy, some were very chatty where they used little pet names for each other and she spoke of things like his beautiful blue eyes etc and he says goodnight my brown eyed girl and she it was so good to hear your voice. I woke him in the early hours when i discovered it and screamed and shouted at him, he admitted to also kissing her on 3 occassions but said they hadn't had sex, he thinks thats important, i dont, the image of them together him holding her cuts me like a knife i have never felt pain like this in my life. He is remorseful, desperate even he says it was a fantasy world etc and would have stopped soon anyway, why did he do it, i thought he loved me more than anything on the planet, why oh why did he do it. He begs for forgiveness but he doesnt understand what hes done, i cant go back i cant, please help me, i have never felt so desperate in all my life.

[Kate]

Dear Shaza

There are all sorts of reasons why men and women get drawn into a relationship with someone else. Your husband may not be able to explain, but right now it's the pain you are in that is overwhelming you. Something precious - your trust in him has been broken.

He may well have some idea of how much he has hurt you which is why he is desperately upset himself, but at this stage he can't change your feelings.

It feels like your life has fallen apart and that you don't know the person beside you. There is life beyond the shock and horror of today. In one sense he is the same person you thought you knew, but like all of us we have times of weakness that come out in different ways. He has let himself down and you.

I guess right now you don't want to let him comfort you because that seems to condone and excuse what has happened, but at the same time, he is the one who could comfort you, if you can let him.

Cyber hug

Kate

[hoxton]

Shazza,

I know how you feel my situation is very simlar my H had been phoning texting rude crude stuff over the phone pic ect ect but he like your H does not understand that he has been unfaithfull to me he had deceived me and the fact that they were talking and became friends even now makes me feel physically sick, He thinks because he never met her or has not had sex with her that he has not been unfaithfull. So I know how you feel, I too thought we would be together forever and I never thought he would want anyone else,
It still hurts every day,
Your H sounds very sorry for what he has done and I know you feel like you are dying inside and unfortunatly there is nothing that is gonna stop that pain, Just try and take one day at a time, There are some fantastic people on here who give great advice and will be here to listen,

Big Hug try and be strong,

Amanda x

[shazza]

I woke this morning to find your replies and i feel so relieved to have told someone my problem, I havn't felt able to share it with anyone I know, I'm too ashamed. My husband has written me a beautiful letter where he explains as best he can what he did and how utterly disgusted he is. Last night we talked for a while but even though I know he truly means what he says i cant do it, I cant go back. The pain in my stomach and chest is something i have never felt in my life, i feel as though he has died, i hate him so much but love him so much too and then hate myself even more for loving him. I have two children and for them I can not bear what would happen to them if we split up, but if Im truthful that is what i would do if it wern't for them, the thought of living in the same house with him until they are grown up not being able to touch him or love him is beyond words, I dont know what to do, for the first time in my life i feel so totally and utterly alone and afraid, I know he means what he says and to see him so very upset and anxious is killing me, i want so much to tell him it's ok but its not, from the bottom of my heart i can not go back. I thank you so much for your kind words and support and Im sorry to go on but Im so desperate.

[hoxton]

Shazza,

Honestly you are not aloan most of us here have felt tha pain it is physical like your dying inside cant eat cant sleep concentrate and are a complete mess,
He sounds really remorsefull, And I know you feel that way now and I wont lie you will feel this way for a long while but it will get easier slowly but the pain does ease you have good days and bad days,
But you love him and your kids love him, Dont do nothing to hasty just try and be strong and take one day at a time, You have to try for all of your sakes, I always thought my marrage is rock solid, But I have learned one thing and that is that it is hard bloody work but we owe it to ourselfs and our kids to try,
Just try and be strong for your kids for now,

How can the person who is soppose to love you and you have given your whole heart and life to hurt you so much it is devestating I know,

There is always someone here to listen,

Big hug,

Amandax

[shazza]

thanks for taking the time to care, your words have helped xxxxxxx

[blessing]

Hey ShazzaI am truly sorry for what you are going through, let me tell you i know what it feels like to have been living a certain lifestyle thinking that your partner is with you but then feeling as though you cant be sure anymore whats going on in his head. Try not to make any quick descisions i now how hurt you are. Lots of people have had there H completely leave them but yours is still home at least.
Try to get to the root of why it all started but you will need help from a counceller do it now, be calm and ask how he would feel about concelling dont try to solve anything by yourself because at the moment your emotions might have a negative effect.

I know it is hard very hard but face what has happened i would tend to think that if things have resorted to him getting close to another its time for professional help to get to the bottom of it and at least try to nip it in the bud right now.

It can be very difficult for a guy to relay to you his deepest problems you might not necessarily be able to either but with help i believe you can.

I sincerely wish you both the best

[shazza]

thankyou so much it feels so much better to know other people are with you. At the moment I can't stop crying he says it would never have come to anything it was stupid and should never of happened and he didn't love her, he wants to make it better and said he will never want anyone else for as long as he lives he said he will fight to win me back for this rest of his life, but still the pain is there, i hate him for what he has done to me, I can't at this moment in time see a way out I just hate what he has done to me and outr life. Thankyou for providing me with a shoulder to cry on even if it is a cyber one!

[jools]

Oh Shazza
I really feel for you. Just know that how you feel now is as bad as it gets. You're not in control of your emotions because everything is so raw. That's why you won't be able to make rational decisions immediately - so take your time and do what you feel is necessary. You can't see a way out because the only acceptable way out would be if this never happened...but that's no longer an option. I suppose you will have to decide whether you can live with the knowledge of his infidelity and move past it. The children will obviously be a large factor in this. I wish you strength.
Jools XX
________
Vodun (Voodoo) Forum (http://www.religionboard.org/vodun-voodoo/)

[shazza]

I told him yesterday I wanted him to leave, he was crying and it was so awful, I want so much for it to all to go away, I keep thiking I will wake up and it wont have happened. I can't go on, I will end up some bitter and twisted sort-I know me and now he has made him doubt his feelings for me theres no going back, I just couldnt be with him wondering if he was thinking of someone else all the time it would crack me up. I have come to the conclusion that couples that stay together for the sake of the kids are the couples where neither one loves the other, thats how they manage it, I couldnt live in the same house as him and not be with him if you know what i mean. I cant stand anymore. The pain is as awful as it gets I just cant believe this has happened to me. I am probably to blame for it all, perhaps I did not give him enough sex-thats a lie I know I didnt, I am so tired all the time, I have two jobs to pay the bills etc and by 10pm I normally cant keep my eyes open. So he got bored I guess, got bored of coming in to me arguing with the kids-bored of the same old routine-well he seems to forget it was the same for me-but hey he had his fun at my expense now let him eat his cake, I hate him.

[hoxton]

Shazza,

I am sorry it has come to this for you, For some people once the trust has been broken or once they have been hurt to much there is just no turning back, It is ashame as you also have children,

But the part when you say couples that stay together for the children do not love each other is certainly not true. Not in my case anyway, I love my H with all my heart and I know he loves me but the fact is if I never had my kids to think about I would of upped and left because he has hurt me so bad But I see it as this. Ok what has happened has been awfull but we can eitha get over it or we cant, I think I owe it to (ALL OF US) to try and make our marraige and family work. It's all good and well thinking about how hurt I am or in fact yourself but how about the children ? ok he made a mistake but is it worth breaking up your whole family unit without even trying to fight for it,

I think if you dont love your spouce thats when you can just up and leave. I struggle all the time some days good some days bad and dont get me wrong I could wake up and decide that is it I have given my all and I have had enough but at least I will no I never quit on my marraige the min I was unhappy I actually think the unselfish thing to do is to stay and fight (only if you love your man)

I just hope you can move on with your life now,

Good luck

Amanda.

[shazza]

but what about them Amanda? Why did they do it in the first place?? are we not worthy of their unconditional love? Why do we need to fight all the time, if two people love each other surely they should not have to fight, thanks for your words, i hope that man of yours realises just what a gem he has.

[hoxton]

Shazza,

Yes we do deserve their uncondtional love but unfortunately some men are fools and do really hurtfull things and I agree why do they do it in the first place, (who knows) it is a million dollor question.

We fight because we love our familys that is why, and there are many men on here in the same situation that are also fighting to save their marraiges because they love their wifes and children,

I dont beleive you should be a door mat we all have a limits on what we feel is exceptable, I hope my relationship works but if I decide that I can not live with the lack of trust or the hurt does not stop then I will leave at least I will know in my heart that I tried,

Good luck.

[RichG]

Hi Shazza

Not in much of a state to be constructive (wife ditched me Saturday after I found filthy text from other bloke) - but just wanted to add my support.

Am asking myself the same questions that you are but am rapidly realising that there are probably no answers. She will never tell me the truth and not just because I will never speak to her again!!

Would urge you to be as strong as you can be and to not let yourself be a doormat - I've had 'Welcome' stamped on my back for years and have been well and truly walked on. Men AND Women do some awful things to those they are supposed to love. Feels like my insides have been ripped out right now - supported her through her current career change and while I sat in an empty flat she was out with some t****r.

Be strong - focus on yourself and the kids. Take care - thoughts are with you.

[mij]

I have read this thread with real fear in my heart. I started out giving support to a guy on my on-line course, only to sense myself becoming rather too fond of him. I am trying very hard to limit our contact as i have been married for 25 years. I am in emotional turmoil as i know the difference in right and wrong. Although it has only been going on for a few weeks I can see how easy it would be to take it further. I'm waiting for a 'relate' appointment, hoping for advice on strategies to help me re-focus on my H and to dismiss the other while still completing my course. It is a very difficult time.

[shazza]

If you have any love for your partner you will make a decision to stop right now, you can never imagine someone you love being unfaithful and the pain it causes-dont do it-not unless it's over between you and your partner. You are treading on very dangerous grounds.

[shazza]

My husband has managed to convince me for now that he loves me-I know I love him more than anything on this planet and the thought of life without him is just awful, however, it will take a long time for me to stop feeling this pain, it really is the most dreadful thing you can ever experience

[shazza]

I can’t stop thinking how close I came to loosing the single most beautiful thing in my life. Sometimes something is so beautiful, so special that it becomes a part of you and then disappears, sometimes you just think that it will be there forever and needs little maintenance. You see I have learnt the most valuable and most painful lesson of my life, somewhere along the line you stop loving yourself and if you don’t do that you have no capacity to love anything else. If I could turn back in time to re-live all those wasted years, god how I would. But I can’t. Maybe that’s how it was meant to be. Maybe you only know what real, deep love is when you come close to loosing it. I know I took my beautiful love for granted, I rejected it, I didn’t look after it, I made it feel alone and unloved, I never meant to, it just happened. Another thing I have learnt is that the years pass you by at frightening speed and you have to spend every moment living it as though it were your last.



As a child I was hurt badly. Many things happen to children that you think they are ok with, children bury those things deep inside of them and they manifest themselves at a later stage in their lives in ways you would not believe. I know my love has been patient with me, if I’m honest I know not of any other living being that would of put up with me. I demanded so much of that love and yet gave so little in return, for if you don’t give of yourself you can’t be damaged-or so I thought. The truth is I found it so hard to love the one thing in my life that I should of loved so easily, not because I didn’t love it but because I didn’t know how to. I had never felt there was anything in my life that could be relied upon; people certainly, in the end they reject you and hurt you.



In 1977 when my Mother left her two daughters I felt as though I was drowning. I would lay awake at night wondering if she was thinking of me, wondering how she could leave us and making up all sorts of excuses for her, I blamed everyone but her, I was a child. Now I have realised I am no longer that child I am an adult and have to take responsibility for my actions and responses toward others, not simply blame them on what has gone before. I remember how all I wished for as a child was for my Mum and Dad to get together, I even wrote it at the top of every Christmas letter to Santa, how my parents must have wept when they read that. I have spent my married life wanting to be adored and loved without ever considering how that love felt. I never once gave of myself completely in case I was rejected; I now know in life and love you need courage and faith.



That awful day, that bloody awful day. As I sat there the words on the screen jumped out at me like a slap in the face. This just was not happening, it was so not happening. It was surreal. I felt sheer panic and pain like I have never experienced before in my life. I was angry, so bloody angry. I wanted to kill myself. It was all happening again, I was being rejected. I had known it would though, hadn’t I. I had waited for it to happen, played the scene in my mind over and over, the one where you’re told they are having an affair. But now it was different. Now I wasn’t dreaming. The confrontation, the tears, the pain, the absolute physical pain, god you will never know. In time I realised when I looked at my love it was I that had hurt it, I that had rejected him. My love is, you see, the most wonderful being you could know. This was not what he did, this was not him, he was not capable of such a thing. He must have felt so lonely and unloved, I’m not saying what he did was right just that I now understand why it happened.



If you jump on something for long enough it will break, no matter how strong it is. That is just what I did. He crossed the line I know. I will never know for sure if he would have crossed that line had I loved him in the way I should of, I am hoping not. Please understand that I am not entirely blaming myself, I’m no martyr. We were both to blame, we should of known what we had was so special, we should of looked after it better, but we didn’t. It is so very easy not to. It is so easy not to share, so very hard to share. The hardest thing in life to do is forgive. Forgiving oneself is even harder. I know the only way my beautiful and oh so special love will bloom is if we both forgive ourselves and understand our role in what we have done to each other.

How many times in life do we do things and tell ourselves we shouldn’t have, it’s happened, we have to deal with it, and for as long as we both know we love each other we must not let ourselves hurt each other again.



I need to know that if ever I allow myself to slip into not appreciating my love how I should, then that love will tell me, however hard it is. I need to know he forgives himself totally and utterly for what he did. More importantly I need to know he forgives me. And he needs to know I forgive him. Don’t misunderstand me, I hate what he did, I hate the thought of him sharing something that was ours with someone else, but like I say it happened, it will always hurt but I forgive him.



I know now that there is no such place as ‘forever’ unless you make it yourself. I hope we will build that place called ‘forever’ and I hope we will never look back on the bleak weeks that have just passed, but that is all I can do; Hope. For that was another thing we got wrong, we did not have any dreams and hopes, they were all sealed they were just expected to be, but it doesn’t work like that, I know you must always hope never just expect.





He is and always will be the most precious gift I have ever been given, I hope our love will grow and grow and feel as beautiful and special as it does today every day of my life.



I can not remember the last time I felt so alive if in fact I ever really have, I love him, need him and want him to love and need me in the place called ‘forever’ that I hope we can build.

[Ted]

Shazza, thank you so much for such a beautiful post, it was truly from the heart.

I wish you so much love & luck as of today, you deserve it.

Tx

[shazza]

Thanks Ted, xx