I've been tricked

[blessing]

NEED SOME OPINIONS!

I've been married to my husband for 2.5 years now originally he is from the carribean so there were alot of immigration applications to fill up. I met him at our local church and we,ve had our fare share of arguments but he walked out on me on valentines day shortly after he had received his documents stating that he has permission to stay in he country. As a christian I am wondering if this is grounds for divorce even though he assured me in the begining that this was not his intention I cant help but think i,ve been had. I asked him if he wanted to go to councelling but he refused and deserted me. he never answers my calls or replies to any of my text messages, and by the way he sold my wedding ring a year after we were married. I thought he loved me WHAT DO YOU THINK?

[Helen]

Blessing,

I think you know the answer to your question. If you ask me, yes, you have been had. Your husband used you to get into the country. Magazines, in particular, are full of such stories. You do have options open to you, including contacting the immigration services to let them know what has happened, if that is what you want to do. The fact that he has been granted leave to stay indefinitely is not irreversible. IMD can reverse their decision at any time.

If he knows this he may come back to you. But is this what you want? Or do you want to annul the marriage and force him to apply for leave to remain in his own right?

I would go to a free law centre and ask for advice. If you type 'The Law Centre' into Google, you will get a link to the Law Centre website and you can do a search for centres in your area.

Good luck with this, whatever you decide,


Helen

[hoxton]

Blessing,

I too think you know you have been had, It sounds lke he used you as a ticket to get into this country and the fact he sold your wedding ring proves he does not give a toss about you. Sorry to be so blunt,

If I were in your shoes I would think I have had a lucky escape no kids and you have only wasted a couple of yrs on him that's ok you can learn by this for fucher relationships. A lot of people on here have spent many many yrs with someone kids morgages lots of ties to only have their spouce leave them. So you are in a better situation than most, Like I said just put it down to an unfortuante mistake and move on.

He is a using waste of space and you should shop him to the authoritys and devorce him and maybe they will sling him out people that are prepared to hurt other people in such a premediatated way are scum in my eyes

You are better of without him.

Amanda

[Hope]

Hi Blessing,

I think we all agree that you've been had! I'd like to ask the question about how your H behaved during the marriage. We all have the odd argument and dissagreement but did you feel it was generally a happy marriage?

I ask this question because my ex has admitted to me that he's only buying a house with his new woman because he can't afford to on his own. He's desperate to invest in a home that he partly owns, because its also an investment. It sound like he's using her and perhaps he will also just leave his new woman one day. I don't think she has any idea how he feels and is probably banking on the relationship being long term... possibly even marriage.

He must be giving her the impression he's happy and content with her! How can people behave this way and not let off any negative vibes? Obviously your H leaving was a dissappointment to you but at the same time something you feared may happen.

Sorry to hear of this news.

[blessing]

Hi everyone thanks for your replies. To answer your question Hope my H was very distant i always asked him what the matter was but he always says its nothing. He's a musician in his church and has a cool calm pleasant exterior. I always ask him if there is anything he enjoys eg: sport, ice skating just about anything really but he says he enjoys nothing. he always got upset if i ask him where he is going or what time he will be back.
He would never let me in on how he was feeling very very laid back and used my concerns about the relationship against me the list goes on and on. He went into my mobile phone and deleated his mothers contact number he did alot of secretive strange things very suspecting

[blessing]

Thank you helen.

[blessing]

The things is peeps the only evidence i have to suggest he used me is that he is not here now nor are my rings. I didnt have any reason to log any strange behavior as i didnt know at the time he would do this. If i applied for annulment would it stand cos he aint gonna admit THAT! I mean he used to pay his half of the bills and buy groceries and do all the bedroom stuff but its always felt so strange and distant. He never took me out once. he said he wanted to get me back for expressing a few heart felt feelings to his cousin, so he got some girl to send a text message to his phone saying she misses him and is carrying his child then he said he set it up to hurt me for backstabbing him. he was spiteful the only way i would have him back is if i could see some real genuin remorse and a fat explaination . but i think my church might not allow me to remarry and i am finding that very hard to swallow as i am only 26

[Helen]

Blessing,

He isn't going to admit anything but the facts stand. He was always distant. He sold your rings a year after the wedding. And the minute he got his papers he took off, never to be heard from again. It is clear he used you. If I were you I would go to the immigration people and tell them your suspicions. What they do with it is up to them. The other thing I would do is file for an annulment, on the grounds that you never really had a marriage.

It is a pity some people are users but it is a fact that those who are so inclined are. If nothing else, consider this an important lesson. Do not marry anyone from abroad, especially someone from a country that does not get automatic rights to stay here, unless you are VERY sure of their motives.


Helen

[Hope]

Blessing,

I feel so sorry for you. You're only 26 and so trusting. What a horrible experience to have. I'm just glad that you're still young and have your whole life ahead of you, without this man! Thankgoodness you didn't fall pregnant because thats when thing really become difficult and complicated.

I suppose its not easy to prove that he married you inorder to remain in this country. I suppose he'll just move on to a new life and still be the same liar he is now... once a compulsive liar always a liar! They never change!

[Kimberley]

Hi Blessing


Sorry to hear about your problem - put it behind you. You are still young and you are well rid - speak to advisers at the church in private once things have died down Im sure you will find a sympathetic ear - Im sure you are not the first and unfortunately probably not the last to be taken advantage off in this way. It still hurts when you love and give yourself to some one and they treat you this way.

Try and keep strong

Kimbereley X

[Jonas]

Ok, Blessing, this is really a man full of guile. It is a case where we see evil men acting under the white vail of faith. Be asured, Blessing, he will be made aware of his evil deeds and his shame will make him blush. God Himself through Jesus Christ will reveal his evil hidden things of his heart in the day of judging.

I hope you can find consolation by God through His word. Check this out:

Now we are aware
that God is workikng all
together for the good of those
who are loving God,
who are called
according to the purpose that,
whom He foreknew,
He designates beforehand,
also, to be conformed
to the image of His Son

- Romans 8:28,29

It seems almost banal to cite this scripture, but it cannot be stressed enough that God's ways with us, even when confounding us, will always wind up good. We may now, in our very lives on this planet earth, experience God's training in His grace. He loves you, Blessing, and wants you to be conformed to the image of His Son. God your Father wants you to be like His Son, in absolute trust on Him and in accord with His will, and absolute hapiness. This is a long and sometimes tiring road to tread for us, I know, but it is as sure as God is faithfull that we will be transformed at our rapture! Be aware of that, Blessing, in all your hardships!

I have a word regarding what you said about your church probably not allowing you to marry again. It would be cruel indeed of your pastor or anyone else to give you a bad conscience if you should get divorced and remarry.

(There is an article on the net that I can recommend for you to read on that exact topic. It is a text that comes in four parts and the webaddress is

http://www.concordant.org/expopdf/index.html

Scroll down and you'll find a heading that says Unsearchable Riches. Beneath it is a long list of links to PDF documets. They are linked to issues of the magazine Unsearchable Riches. Unsearchable Riches is a magazine published by the Concordant Publishing Concern in the States, and deals with scriptural topics in an extremely biblical manner, to my mind.

You will find part one in volume 92, number 3 of May, 2001 which is quite far to the bottom of the page. The title of the text is "Marriage and the Believer". It addresses marriage, divorce, and remarriage. It is a bit lengthy and might not be quickly digested, wherefore I would recomend to print out all four parts for studying at a desk with the bible on the side.)

My view on it would be that you can divorce him and remarry in any case. It is far from ideal to divorce a marriage. Marriage is the bond that should not be broken by anyone, that is truth Jesus Himself confirms, but God will not strike you with His wrath if you divorce your guileful husband who doesn't even want to be with you anymore, who seperated himself from you. He might not even be a believer, which would make the whole matter easier since you are not bound to him in that case (1Cor 7:15).

I was thinking of another passage that fits your situation. It is Romans 12:17-21. The thrust of it is that we as believers should not render evil for evil, be not conquered by evil; but conquer evil with good. It sounds almost impossible not to feel resentment against your husband. But please be aware of Paul's exhortation here. Let God deal with it. He will judge the deceitful. Leaving it up to God will save you from much trouble!

With my warm regards,
Jonas

[blessing]

Thank you J

You know it is so good to hear from someone who hears from God.
I,ve been trying to put aside the lust of my carnel nature to hear what God is saying but it seems as though the more i try the more my past keeps trying to hinder me. It also seems like the closer i get to God when I speak most people dont understand I,m sure you know what I mean. thank you I will read the article you gave me. God bless you

[Jonas]

You know it is so good to hear from someone who hears from God.
I,ve been trying to put aside the lust of my carnel nature to hear what God is saying but it seems as though the more i try the more my past keeps trying to hinder me.

Be aware that it is not you who is trying to overcome! What you experience is the tension between flesh and spirit. Please read and meditate on Romans 6. This chapter speaks of our old humanity which was not able to please God. We in flesh by putting ourselves under laws and decrees or don'ts we are just giving sin an incentive, we are encouraging sin (Ro 7:11,12) Our old human was crucified with Christ and now we are able to walk in newness of life, but that not out of us but out of God. Realize, Blessing, that a God-pleasing walk doesn't result from your efforts to do good, but merely because God makes you act in accord with Him, for His delight (Phil 2:13). We as believers are God's achievement, being created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God makes ready beforehand, that we should be walking in them (Eph 2:10). You see? A good and pleasing walk does not originate in us but in our God!

You may want to read this short exposition on the flesh:

http://www.treasureoftruth.net/MortalFlesh.html

It also seems like the closer i get to God when I speak most people dont understand I,m sure you know what I mean.

This is natural for people who seek deeper insights into God's thoughts. It is quite as someone who is so into a particular sport that only those understand him who have the same ardent interest. When studying in God's word we attain attitudes people will not understand because they are foreign to the mass of humanity who is alianated from God. Reading God's word changes your inner being and will give you desires some people simply don't understand anymore. I have experienced that quite often since I became a believer about five years ago.

Regards,
Jonas

[Liz]

Dear Blessing

If you are looking for biblical guidance on divorce and remarriage, I can recommend the book "Divorce and Remarriage in the church" (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/divrem/). It is very readable and well researched and written.

Do talk to your minister or someone that you trust at church. Church should be a place, where you can turn for comfort and advice. If your husband attends the same church, then the minister should be willing to bring the two of you together to work through what has happened and where to go from here. If your husband is leading worship in his church, then this situation needs to be brought out into the open and sorted out, or it will affect the whole church. It is certainly not honouring God, for you to be treated in this way.

Liz

[Jonas]

Dear Blessing,

Once again, I can only recommend the text in four parts ("Marriage and the Believer) for your personal reading and study. I just finished a second reading of it and can just say that it is conclusive to the end.

Please, if you have any difficulties understanding any bit of the text, let me know, and I will help you! I really want you to understand God's mind on these matters (marriage, seperation, and remarriage). The text can help you with that. It might even be comparable with the book Liz commends here. I don't know what the book says, never read it, but I am sure that it is rather contrary to the orthodox view on marriage and divorce (judging from the Synopsis and reader's comments at Amazon). The text I recommended to you is free of charge and it deals satisfyingly with the topic, for me personally at least, and, most importantly, the author bases his conclusions on the scriptures.

Jonas

[London]

I really want you to understand God's mind on this matter. The Jonas

Jonas: So "God" now has views on marriage for immigration purposes?

================

Blessing - if you were tricked into marriage then an annullment should be sought immediately citing the invalidity of the marriage under the Church's eyes.

If they cannot help you with that or refuse, then you are left with the daunting task of either accepting their position or moving to another belief (read: Church)where they will not hold something against you for were being tricked into doing something to be a good Christian (eg getting married in Church).

[Liz]

Jonas

The book I recommended is also based on the scriptures and written by an experienced biblical scholar, who doesn't encourage divorce but tries to get to the bottom of what the bible really says.

Liz

[Jonas]

Jonas

The book I recommended is also based on the scriptures and written by an experienced biblical scholar, who doesn't encourage divorce but tries to get to the bottom of what the bible really says.

Liz
Liz,

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you or your recommendation. (You sound offended, maybe you are not?) What I meant was simply that your book and the text I recommended >>might<< accord in what they say. I did not intend to say that the book is unscriptural either. Did it sound like that? If so, my apologies.

Also, I am not encouraging divorce, and I am certainly not saying that divorce is good in God's eyes. Divorce violates the holy bond between the married which our God instituded, and which should not be broken by anyone. But nonetheless, I am the last to tell Blessing, or any other married person finding themself in a comparable situation, to remain married under such aweful conditions if the conditions can't be changed. Just because God originally intended the bond of marriage not be broken by anyone doesn't mean that it can't be done. I am concerned with the question whether a person who married can become unmarried again. Or whether God sees two people still as married even though they seperated. This, of course, doesn't mean that divorce pleases God. Despite this, it is still appropriate to ask whether we can speak scripturally and say that anyone who was married can become unmarried again.

Maybe I am reading too much into your post, Liz, but I felt I had to write this in reply to it.

Jonas

[Jonas]

Jonas: So "God" now has views on marriage for immigration purposes?
To clarify my thought I expressed towards Blessing: I do want Blessing to understand what the Bible says about marriage, divorce (seperation), and remarriage, which are the topics the text, that I recommended to her earlier, deals with.

Maybe it sounded like it, but I never said that God has thoughts concerning immigration marriages. Blessing is married to the man who used her for his own ends. And to my mind, this has nothing to do with whether immigration is involved in the marriage or not.

Blessing - if you were tricked into marriage then an annullment should be sought immediately citing the invalidity of the marriage under the Church's eyes.
This is exactly the question that needs to be answered. Can we say, on a scriptural basis, that married can be changed to unmarried?

If they cannot help you with that or refuse, then you are left with the daunting task of either accepting their position or moving to another belief (read: Church)where they will not hold something against you for were being tricked into doing something to be a good Christian (eg getting married in Church).
For me it is important to know what scripture says, not what leaders of some church tell me. Of course, that which leaders say shouldn't be discarded as wrong right away, but there should always be a spirit of verification in us when receiving God's truths from any other source than scripture itself.

[Liz]

Jonas

No problem. I was just reassuring Blessing that the book I mentioned was in line with the values she was looking for.
liz

[greeneyes]

talk to your church about the possibility of having your marriage annulled you may have grounds - and tell them your problems, they will help and advise you and bring you the comfort you need.
talk to immigrations immediately - you are not alone, there are a lot of vulnerable woman being conned by there people - if you make a stand doing this you will be helping others too
good luck

[blessing]

Hi all

Thank you all for you concern and help. I have found out that the marraige cannot be annulled as I was not intoxicated at the time and that we have already consumated the marriage etc. The immigration also told me that once he has been granted the indefinate leave to remain in the country it cannot be reversed unless it can be prooved that I was not part of the application.

My husband and I were in a meeting with a councellor and his pastor last night and my H said he was fed up of the relationship and not happy he also stated he wanted a divorce and was not willing to take any therpy and didnt think concelling would help anything. I am totally devestated I feel like my life is over
I havent always been a christian and I live in a small town where people have only been to keen to enlighten my husband with there veiws or perceptions of me and my past , at the moment I feel as though i,ve been robbed of my very self I cant put into words how low I feell. All my so called friends have deserted me I really need some support. I am not wanting to be in a relationship any time soon but because of alot of the veiws on remariage in churches today I fear that many may not want to get involved with someone who has been divorced.
I have strong faith in God but still unsure about some scripture, I also stronly believe that whoever I get involved with must be a strong believer and has God first in their life. It has been very comforting to hear that God would not hold this against me and I just want to say a special thanks to those who have reasured me with scripture.

[Jonas]

Blessing,

Please write me an email, so that I have your address! Jonas

[RichG]

Hi blessing

Have had a couple of friends who have had a similar experience to you so have an idea of how you may be feeling.

I am not what could be described as a strong christian or churchgoer and would not have much of an idea of the Church's view on re-marriage in such circumstances. However, I will say that it seems that you at least entered into this marriage for the right reasons and that the situation is not of your doing. I know some committed Christians who would find the whole idea of seeking anulment / divorce as an un-Godly act to be avoided at all costs.

However, I also know many who are strong in their Faith that would see what I believe a true Christian should - that your hurt and upset is totally justified, that your thoughts and actions have been born out of genuine desire to do things the right way and that those who shun you should perhaps realise that being Christian is more than having blind Faith, it is about showing kindness and compassion to all without prejudice or judgement.

I wish you a happier future Blessing - take care.

[blessing]

Hi RichGThank you for your thoughts on my situation, I appreciate what you,ve said its very soothing.

take care

regards

Blessing