Please help

[ssarah30]

This is still very raw. My husband left me yesterday, taking my 2 year old with him. I knew things werent great, but this is out of the blue. We have been having problems with my middle lad as he is being assessed for ADHD and he has hurt my little lad a couple of times. My husband took him saying Its not safe, hes told me he wants a break and that he'll be back in about 2 weeks, he said if he still feels the same way, then he'll pack up and leave for good. I dont know what to do, do I trust him ( he said he'll come back ) But I love him and miss them both already. I cant stop crying. Ive just had a text from my Mother in Law saying he's there, but thats 200 miles away. Please someone

[hoxton]

Sarah,
My heart goes out to you, What a devestating thing to have happen,

Did your middle son hurt your 2 yr old badly enough to justify your H taking him with him ?
It must be really hard for you to have a son that has problems ? Is your H his father too ?
Obviously you are having problems at home how much support has your H been giving you it sounds to me like he just thinks your middle son is out of control and he has had enough.

We all go through hard times with our kids and some kids do go off the rails a bit but surely you should be pulling together to try and make things better for the whole family ?
But 2 of my sisters kids have ADHD and I know it is hard for her because they find it hard listening and they do come across as just very naughty children but we have to remind ourselfs that they have ADHD,

How long has your H been feeling this way ?

I dont know what advice to give as I have never been in your situation but you have come to the right place it will not take to long before you will get some other posts,

Big hug to you,

Try and be strong,

Amanda.

[AlwaysGreen]

Hello Sarah.
What a very sad time.
Life is so unfair when all you want is a "Normal" Life, and you get dealt a dodgy card. In this case, your son, who has behavioral problems. Poor you, and Poor son. He did not ask to be born with this and No doubt hears every thing said about his need to behave and change, but doesn't have the ability to do so, albeit no doubt he would love to be calmer and less desruptive. I am sure he is frustrated also.
Your Husband has "Opted" out, taking with him your youngest. I will ask here if the hurt your son caused to your youngest was bad enough for this result in your husbands behaviour. You also mention that the son with the ADHD is your middle child. Where is the eldest in all of this and how is He/She coping. How old also is your son with the problem.
I suggest for now that much as your husband has gone, you be as supportive to your son as you possibly can be. he should not feel responsible for what has occured. Children often take on board blame, and especially in this instance, it will do your son more harm.
Carry on with the assesment , but don't feel bullied by them.
My son is ADD. He was never aggresive but he was disruptive and annoying. Inside was the most beautiful child. He was loving and very bright, but he just couldn't sit still, shut up, and he harrassed people in an incredibly irksome way. At school his behaviour changed and he started to get angry. The school was phoning me all the time. I had to have so many meetings. I spent alot of years in tears. I knew I had a lovely son, but I also knew he could not "Just control himself" without my help. I ultimately (after suggestion from the school of the drug Ritalin) sent off to an alternate medicine comapny in America and used homeopathic medicines for my son. It worked wonders. Within weeks I had a much calmer child. So many people commented on the difference.
He is now praised continually at school and doing really well. He has stopped taking the medication (6 months ago) and is still much calmer and much happier.
Look into all the possible ways to help your son. This will ultimately help you and the rest of your family.
Phone your husband and suggest to him that you really do need his support.

Take care.
Cathy

[shadow]

Guess before i can give advice is I have to know is the middle son his son or a child you brought into the marriage???

But for now I can say I am sorry that you are having to go thru this :-(

[helenrw200]

Hi Sarah

I can empathise with you, my youngest son has Asperger's Syndrome and when younger ( he's now 16 ) could be very difficult and at times violent. It's not easy to cope with behavioural problems in children and also try to balance that with keeping the rest of the family on an even keel.

Did your son hurt your 2 year old badly enough for your h to react this way ?Or do you feel he is using this as an excuse and there is some other reason for his walking away ?Are all the children his ? It's difficult to know what advice to give unless we have a few more facts.

I feel for you, and it's a sad situation, is it perhaps that your h isn't coping well with your middle boy himself and needed some time out ? ( Not very fair on you , being left behind to cope with it all alone, and the DX process can be very stressful ) Some people cope with it better than others and your h may feel he isn't coping well at all.

I think you need to clarify to yourself exactly why you feel your h has gone and then maybe talk to him about it.

Good luck and best wishes

Helen

[ssarah30]

Hi and thanks for your replies. I have three children and the 2 eldest are from my previous marriage. I think this has all stemed from when my husband lost his job last June and has been a house husband ever since. I have suggested to him to get back into work and for me to go part time but he said he would do that when the baby is of school age. Since I wrote the 1st post, I broke my leg that same evening can you believe it!! I rang his mother saying I needed him to come home but she said he needed the time out that he was 'close to the edge' and that he cant come home to the same situation. I dont know what else to do. Its the not knowing that hurts

[hoxton]

SSARAH30

You really are in the wars arent you.
So let me get this right You have broken your leg and there for are struggling at home and your H does not want to come home, OK but will he do anything to help you out ie shoppiing doing some jobs for you ? Or how about you mother in law has she offered to come and help out ?
How old are your two other children,
I dont want to jump the gun but he sounds preety selfish to me as long as him and his son are ok it is sod the rest of you ?

And why does he not want to work does he think you are not capable of looking after the children ?
Maybe you should go and get yourself a job and leave him to raising the children but it sounds like he is only interested in one child and that is his son,
What is it he is saying he wants you to do exactly what does he think you can do that you are not already doing ? I am assuming this is all about your middle son, what does he think will help the situation. Is he actually trying to suggest anything constructive..........

Maybe you should suggest going to see family guidence together as a family, or more importantly if he is struggling being at home and around your son that much he should go and get a job which will get him out of the house give him a break from the kids and more importantly give you all some more money so you can have a better quality of life.

For now you should just focus your time on your other two children let them see that they are loved and that you can cope on your own, You do not want your son to take any guilt on board about your H walking out his little brother just because things were a little tough.

Hope your feeling better soon,

Good luck

Amanda

[AlwaysGreen]

Hello again Sarah.
I hope you are feeling a bit better with your broken leg now that the initial pain has worn off. This certainly has not been your week has it?
I cannot believe in such a time of need your Husband is still determined to not come home. Could he at least , not have left the yonger one with you mother in law and come back to help you out. Oh dear. It really is a mess, isn't it.
Has your husband at least tried to get some help for himself, to at least learn how to cope better with a problematic child. Or are his problems due to other things.
You said theat the two eldest children are yours from a previous relationship. How old are they and how long have you been married or had your new husband in your life. Does he have a good relationship with the elder child.
I am in agreement with Hoxton. Councilling would certainly be beneficial to you all. not just your husband and yourself, but I would suggest that you would all benefit from it. Even the children need sometimes to be heard and have input, and also need advice and guidance.
In the meantime, can you not pop over to your gp even, and let him know what is going on, and that you just don't know how to cope with it or make it better.
Take care
x

[helenrw200]

Sorry to hear that Sarah, you really are going through the wars.

Sorry to be blunt, but if your H can't be there for you at a time when you really need him then I have to agree he is downright selfish. How does he expect you to cope ? And why are you talking to him through your MIL ? Can he not speak for himself ?

Couple counselling will only help if both parties want it and are both prepared to work at the marriage/relationship. Right now it sounds as though your H has bailed out, for whatever reason, so I'm sorry to say it may be difficult to get him to agree. No harm in asking though.

I'd agree with Amanda, under normal circumstances ( ie you NOT having a broken leg ! ) that the best thing would be for you to show him that you can be an adult about things even if he can't and to get on and love your kids and make a life for you, but this may be rather difficult til you're back on your feet again. In the meantime , is there anyone who can help out ?

Best of luck.

Helen