My Story! Help if you can

[willmetts]

Hope you don't mind me telling my story, i was married to a beutiful woman for 10 years, we have 2 children. Myself and my wife shared everything together, did everything together, we started to use cannabis as a means of relaxation as we were both doing college and uni courses to better ourselves and our childrens future, however i started to become paranoid so i stopped, then the trouble started i became very depressed, went to the doctors got some antidepressants he also gave me some sleeping pills. i started to take the tablets as directed but on dec 3rd my wife went out for the college christmas bash, she bought me some beer to cheer me up. a couple of so called friends came round and started saying things like "how can you trust her", "Bet shes off with someone else" now i have always trusted my wife 100% but i went completely wild, when she got home a huge row started which ended up with me pinning her to the bed and shouting in her face. This depressed me furthur went back to the doctors he told me to keep taking the tablets, things got a lot worse, i ended up leaving on jan 16th with my 8 year old son and moving 500 miles away back to my parents, leaving behind my wife and our daughter.

Things have been very nasty between us, she found someone else 6 weeks after i left i have tried to move on but i love her too much. she appeared with our daughter on what should have been our 10th wedding anniversary on april 13th, i needed to talk to her (the first face to face talk) and said i wanted to save our marriage, her reply was she didn't think she loved me anymore, now i need some advice, i love her so deeply and completely and want to try anything possible, but all i get is i don't trust you and i don't think i love you anymore, she hasn't said she doesn't love me or she does, i don't know which way to turn! please help if you can.
talk to her (the first face to face talk) and said i wanted to save our marriage, her reply was she didn't think she loved me anymore, now i need some advice, i love her so deeply and completely and want to try anything possible, but all i get is i don't trust you and i don't think i love you anymore, she hasn't said she doesn't love me or she does, i don't know which way to turn! please help if you can.

[Kimberley]

Hi


Im sorry to read your thread you are having a hard time - it seems that the depression, lack of sleep and paranoia mixed with a drink and some ill timed friendly advice from your friends ended with an almighty row. Even that said it does seem like an extreme reaction.

Whilst she moved on six weeks later - if things were not right and you were separated she did have a right to do. Its a shame she wont give it another go at least for the sake of your children who are now sadly separated because of the situation and it must be most hurtful. You must think of your lovely child who you have with you at the moment and help him come to terms with the situation.

Try and do new things in an attempt to feel better - it may be as well to speak to your GP as you may have become depressed again - insomnia seems to come as a freeby in these situations.

I hope things get better for you soon and you stay with your friends/family for moral support as I found that and the forum have helped keep me sane in my darkest hour which unfortunately have been many.

Hang in there

Kimberley

[willmetts]

The thing is she hasn't said we won't try again in the future just not at the moment! i have just had the worst 4 days of my entire life very very depressed, so today i went to the doctor intially about my weight loss december i was 12.5 stone today i am 9 stone, and i just sat there and blurted out everything again. Thats whats making this situation for me so hard, she refuses to give me a deffinate yes or no!!!! what am i ment to do? my son has been my strength through all this, but i miss my daughter we were very close, we both broke our hearts when she had to go again. i can't understand why she is keeping me holding on, you know when you don't love someone, so why can't she just tell me that its over instead i'm clinging to the slightest scrap of hope, i'm stupid i know because i've answered my own questions but i need her to say it.

[willmetts]

today i've started to feel better although only slightly, W sent me text asking if i had the job!!! didn't realise she was interested, so i told her i have and i will have a house sorted by the 19 may. i know she is still having the OM round the flat, which has caused me to feel extreamly jealous and bitter towards her, its also making me question wether i really want to try and save our marriage! how do i come to terms with the fact that for 10 years we were exclusively each others and now we arn't? i need to really get my W out of my system anybody got any ideas? i became friends with a woman (and i stress just friends) who last year went through divorce, she said they just grew apart so it was quite easy for them as they both knew it was over years before, WHY CAN'T I MOVE ON? WHY AM I GOING OUT OF MY MIND?

[blackbeard]

Mate you are not alone, many people on here have gone through exactly the same as you. It is fantastic that you have a new job and will have a new place sorted but whatever these materialstic things mean to us it doesn't help to solve the issue at hand. You have to try to accept that unless you are prepared to forgive (you will never forget!!) then there is no way you will resolve the differences between you.

Only you can decide whether that is what you really want, I personally decided that once the trust has been betrayed that there was no way I could go back, once I had made that decision it was a case of thinking of what is best for myself and the children, we are now in the process of working towards that which means getting involved in often very heated discussions about the finances which is very difficult because I do not want to leave her short for the children but at the same time I do not want to finance her relationship or her new lifestyle, she chose to start an affair instead of working on our differences so she needs to live by that decision.
Not sure if any of this helps you in your own situation but it is my experiences and if you can take anything from it then I'm glad.

Good luck it is a long and painful path but I hope you find your happiness.

[willmetts]

Thanks Blackbeard, i keep on making up my mind one day, then the next i change it. feels like i'm going round and round, the thoughts in my head just won't stop.
during the 10 years of marriage, i have often thought is this what i really want out of life? then it would be gone again and i would just carry on. this is what my wife is now saying, she thinks she is the only person in the world to doubt her love! i have decided yet again that I personally am not willing to end my marriage, that decision i am leaving to my wife! i am fed up with being blamed 100% for all the problems that have happened, surely she realises there are 2 people in a relationship? all i'm going to consentrate on is making the best of life for my son, who needs me now more than ever! HE matters and so does my daughter, i'm also fed up with my wife using the 2 kids as tropheys, one thing she said was "what will people think of me, giving up my son!", self self self what she should be concerned about is what HER SON will think of her, i'm frightened to death that my daughter thinks i don't love her, i talk to her evry single day, i tell her i miss her and love more than anything. the last couple of days my wife has been sounding quite interested in whats happening this end, have i got a job, house, etc. do i miss my old college mates, that kinda thing, she even rang yesterday to talk about a letter she recieved for me, which i might add she had opened, she has no rights to open letters addressed to me. hopefully reality is sinking in for her, as the old saying goes, you don't realise what you got till its gone!! hope she realises sooner rather than later!!!

[blackbeard]

I know exactly what you mean about using the children as trophies. Had a discussion with my ex W last night to try to sort out the financial aspect of our split, I have said that I am willing to pay half the mortgage and pay 20% of my income for the girls, this leaves me with just about enough to pay for my rent, travel etc.. but she wants more and is claiming that it is not enough to look after the children, pay for schools, clothes, food etc.. now she knows that I will never do anything to upset my girls but I do have to live too and I just can't see how I am expected to pay anymore.
Everything she says now is "it's not for me it's for the girls" or "you have a responsibility to keep them in the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed" which is absolutely right I do but she built that lifestyle mostly against my wishes, throughout the last couple of years I have said no to things then she has gone running to her parents and gets them to pay for it, now we have split up she claims that I relied on her parents and expects me to pay for all the things that I said we couldn't afford in the first place!!

[Kimberley]

Hi Blackbeard


I believe that half the mortgage and 20% income is acceptable and that any Solicitor would give you the same advice I understand the CSA guidelines for child maintenance are 15% for one child and 20% for two. If she wants more then she will need to get a job! Make sure the 50% mortgage payments are paid direct to mortgage company and not her or you may find she dosent use it for that purpose and they will come after both of you for any arrears but if you have a job then you could be the main person they come after. I know from experience on that one.

Regards

Kimberley X

[willmetts]

don't know wether i'm clutching a straws here, so if a woman could give some advice i'd be greatfull. Had a phone call yesterday from ex W asking if i could have a word with my daughter, she is being cheeky not doing as shes told! well snap, my son is being cheeky and a bit naughty i'm not surprised with everything they have had to contend with! thing is my ex W would never in a million years let me know she isn't coping well, through all this she hasn't batted an eyelid! is this the first signs of the come down? the realisation that life as a single parent is bloody hard? i was stunned that she asked me for help quite frankly! she never shows weakness in any shape or form, i'm wondering if the lovely greener grass on the other side has started to taste slightly bitter?

[Kimberley]

Hi


Kids play up because of change - my two have - it is not always immediate and when there are two of you sometimes they play each other off parent wise. I can only say from my own situation that when I talk to my ex husband about behaviour he acts interested because they are supposed to be our children but in reality I always dealt with it but sometimes you want to still involve the other parent or partner to keep them abreast of things and continuity in their lives. I find that any advice from ex is next to useless (as it always was) but dont want to neglect the relationship child/parent wise in the end it was always my call and still is.

What really gets my goat is when I explain a situation I am met with a matter of fact whats it go to do with me - yet when he sees the children every weekend he wants to see them.

Try and think of it as support for the children - perhaps they are doing it to get your attention as well as your wife's so that she will contact them again in addition to the agreed contact i.e. speak on the phone. Children do things to get their children's attention when they feel they are not getting any whether it is good or bad behaviour.

Try and move focus to them as well. It is difficult none of it is easy I know Im fed up with the whole sorry situation in my current marriage but found that time has been a healer with my ex and although I cant say we are best friends we have moved on and can be civil and sensible with regards to the children. (I have been divorced about 18 months separated two years - only got better when he formed a new relationship about six months ago)

Take Care.

Kimberley X

[blackbeard]

Kimberely,
Thanks for setting my mind at rest, I did check the guidelines which is why I wouldn't budge on that! She seems to think that I should be responsible for the upkeep of the house as well, gas, elec and water bills etc. She does have a job (the OM is her boss) for which she gets paid very little officially but gets her wage topped up so that she can claim maximum Tax Credits. She will not discolse exactly how much she gets paid claiming that it has nothing to do with the situation and that as long as we pay equal amounts to the children it is none of my business! She has now said that she will be seeing a solicitor to get the financial arrangements settled (for which her parents will pay). I can't really afford a solicitor so I have no idea who her solicitor will deal with!!!
I have said that I will help out with the extra's when they come up as I don't want my girls to miss out on anything but I do not want it added to any monthly payment that I make, this is not good enough for her, she is willing to spend out potentially thousands (of her parent money) on a solicitor just to get an extra couple of hundred a month, doesn't really make sense does it??

[Kimberley]

Hi Blackbeard

Not sure invading some one else's thread here so if we are, im sorry. I would get a Solicitor even if just for a fixed fee one off. My understanding is pay half the mortgage (only if you can afford it) but dont pay it to her pay it direct to the Lender then they can see where it has come from i.e. your account and she cant use it for other means. If she has a job then it is up to her to use her earnings and if the income is low top it up with benefits. If she has a new partner they can finance their own lifestyles. Pay the maintenance for the children from the Bank to her account or direct through CSA but be aware if CSA become involved it may be 6-8 weeks before she receives any payments so she could be shooting herself in the foot. I receive mine to my Bank account from my ex as I needed the money and not to wait.

The Courts rarely award spousal maintenance these days it is expected that they should get a job. If the house is too big and there is enough equity you could get a Court Order to sell and receive your share of the net proceeds of sale but you will need legal advice to make sure you receive the right percentage. You could also place an Order that when the children are older and have left school you will receive your share then by her buying you out. Such terms can also include if either of you cohabit or remarry.

I know you love your children but dont get taken for a ride. You still have a right to a life and a roof over your head. If the children need practical things like shoes and clothes you can always take them out and buy them when you have contact that way you know where the money is going.

You do need to sort it out eventually because should you decide you want to be released from the mortgage and you want to buy your own place which eventually you may wish to it will be difficult to obtain a new mortgage when you are tied to this one.

It is a few years since I worked in a Matrimonial Department so these are just guidelines/thoughts and not specific advice as to an exact situation as each is different.

Regards.

Kimberley
X

[willmetts]

well i can't do right for doing wrong as the saying goes. i have started to heal (i hope) my housing situation is looking slightly better should be sorted by may 19th, which caused my W to get bitter!! i have contacted my local college and i can finish my degree there and it will only be a year, which again caused my W to get bitter, i have bought myself loads of new clothes, which again was met by bitterness, i am sorting out my debts you guessed it bitterness, it was her decision that she didn't want me but she hates the fact that i'm geting on with my life without her!!!!!! what is her problem?? she still hasn't given me a diffenate yes or no as to trying to save the marriage so i have taken her silence as a no and have started to rebuild my life. i even told her all i want from the house is my computer, books and college work and of course the rest of my sons belongings, this was met with bitterness, i don't want to deprive my daughter of anything and said i would get my own furniture etc. i'm trying my hardest to be nice so the children are effected as little as possible and she keeps flying off the handle at me. i offered to pay her phone bill as she was cut off, but i didn't have the amount they were asking for. i asked if my daughter needed anything and was bluntly told we are fine!! oh well onwards and ever upwards!!!!

[willmetts]

Its been a while since i posted here and thought i would just let everyone know my current situation. Well myself and my son know have our own house and are settling in very well. i have taken my W to court for custody of my daughter, but my daughter wishes to stay with her mother and my sin wishes to stay with me so thats how it is. had all four of my kiddies with me boxing day so we had a party (got complaints from the nieghbours) and to top things off, i bumped into the girl i followed around school like a love sick puppy!!! and we are know seeing each other. she has a 15 year old son, who has a fantastic sense of humour and we all get on extremely well. 2006 has been a year of extreme pain for me and a lot of other people, but also the end of the year has had some very very good things happen. a note for anyone who is just in the begining of a relationship breakdown. ITS HARD, ITS PAINFULL BUT IT DOES GET BETTER IN THE END!!!!!!!!!

[MPM]

Thanks so much for posting you positive experience :-D

Good luck & take care x