Advice needed - to help me keep going

[Molton]

Hoping someone can give me positive words / benefit of your experience - to keep me working at my marriage.

To cut a long story short, been with my husband for 11 years (since school) married for 5, no kids yet. Always had a fantastic relationship - never difficult, never really had to work at it, despite 3 years at different universities, starting work etc. We (and everyone) saw ourselves as inseparable.

Last 18 months were a bit harder, he was mugged for his phone whilst on phone to me. He was OK, I got very clingy when he went out, to the point at which I'd panic if I ever couldn't get hold of him and he didn't enjoy himself when out anymore - he did everything to reassure me, phoned in all the time etc. but still I panicked. His work also got more pressured so he was away more.

I knew something wasnt right, but couldn't put my finger on it, much less know how to deal with it (so got even more clingy) He got more and more wound up, didn't bring it up, started to resent me for being too dependent and also for always getting my own way on things (both fair comments, small things accumulated) Knew he loved me, but didn't like / fancy me anymore. Ddin't know what to do but eventually concluded I'd be better off without him (!) as we wanted different things, so came home in Jan and told me he didn't want to be married anymore.

He didn't walk out though, and agreed to go to Relate, which we have done. Was extremely helpful and through this we found out what went wrong, how we can fix it and what can both do differently. He has made the decision that he wants our relationship to work and we've been "dating" for the past month or so. We've both managed to start to change the behaviours that were problematic and are getting there slowly. He has said he does like and fancy me again.

We've come so far, I was feeling much better but this weekend have been really down again. He's living in a flat with a friend since Feb (needed to get a clear head to work through it as he found it too emotional at home) and has told me he will come home soon and we'll make it work, but in his own time as he's a little scared 'cos he can't go through this again, it has to be right. He wants to check all the good feelings are real.

I'm just so tired now, it feels like the final hurdle. I just need him home now. I'm scared that it'll happen again, or that he'll bottle things up again. I love him and and 100% committed to my marriage vows but it's hard to keep going, I'm scared I'll like him less when he is back.

I know I should be grateful that we've got to this point, but I'm just cross - it used to be perfect and he's hurt me so much. How could he have not wanted to be married. I'm scared my security is gone?

Thanks

[Helen]

Molton,

In fairness to him, when you say it used to be perfect, that isn't true. It was perfect until you became panicky and clingy and then it all went a bit pearshaped. It sounds as though he put up with a lot of pretty smothering behaviour, which went on despite his reassurances. And then it all became a bit too much for him and he left for a bit.

You say you are scared it is going to happen again. It will only happen if you let it. Of more concern, reading between the lines, is the fact that you seem to blame him for where things between you got to. Unless you understand what was going on at that point, chances are yes, it will happen again. You need to put what happened to him in perspective. He got mugged. It was unpleasant but he came out of it in one piece. Most of us will be victims of crime at some point in our lives. That is not said to frighten you even more. It is just to say clinging to him would not change the risk to him nor would being able to get hold of him on the phone.

I am sure he is sorry that he hurt you. When he comes home (as he will) when he says he can't go through this again, what he is saying to you is he wants his wife back. The wife you were before he was mugged. If you cannot be this woman, chances are your marriage will be over because he cannot take this clingy, panicky woman that you have become - or perhaps, were.

The real question - can you be the woman he married again, do you think?


Helen

[Molton]

Helen

thanks for your reply. I'm positive I can be the woman he married again. When he left it was like a cord had been cut in a funny sort of way and, frankly, I feel relieved that I don't "have to" worry about him anymore (not that I ever did have to really, I was just so scared for his safety, I felt kind of like the nervous flyer who tries to will the plane not to crash from the back of the aircraft) I love him so much and was just so scared of losing him - and, ironically, that fear itself did make me almost lose him, so I have a really strong incentive not to go back to the old ways. I feel now that he is capable of taking care of himself. A little scared that I'll start to worry again when he is back and goes out for a late evening, but I'm determined to be realistic. We've talked about how he won't agree to be back by a set time when he goes out, he won't call in partway through the evening and won't check his phone to see whether I call. And I will not call him when he's out expecting an answer and will keep myself busier. Basically, he will be a little less uber-reliable - we'll go with the flow more and I hope this will work. I have a relaxation CD that the counsellor recommended but, most of all, now my family and he knows the panic thing for what it is, if we get an inkling of it again we'll get it out into the open straight away.

I do blame him for bottling it up until it got to the point where it was so hurtful, but equally I blame myself for letting him down - he didn't sign up for a nightmare wife and it must have hurt him so much seeing things change and not knowing what to do about it.

Anyway, blame is not the thing now. It's about what we've learned, what we will do differently now - and I am looking to see the positive from here about how I am committed to meeting his needs in the future. Hopefully I will be a better wife to him as a result of this - so a year from now we will be almost glad this happened?

This site has been really helpful over the past months - so wanted to say thanks for that as well.

[Molton]

Final update......he has been home now for a month. Things are good, really good. I have somehow found the perspective not to worry when he is out (I think it was scared out of me :) and the tension around this has all but gone. I don't feel like everything is crazy anymore. It feels like we are getting into new (better) habits and we are being truly open with each other (maybe for the first time) about how we feel and what we need, in a way that doesn't offend. He has told me that he feels the way he used to again.

I'm so happy, but I know I've learned one of the biggest lessons and am just grateful that I got to learn it and keep my H.......

[Helen]

Molton,

I am very pleased to hear that you have regained your equilibrium! It's nice to hear of a positive outcome. I hope things continue to go well for you.


Helen