Please Advice!.

[daffodils]

Hi!..

I accidentally found this website while searching for some marital problem and advices. I have read many different stories and it give me strength to find out that there are so many people out there feeling the same like me.

My marriage is in complete mess right now. I feel so helpless because I do not know what to do. I am only married for 14 motnhs. I have found out last week that my husband is having an affair with his colleague. I was so shock, angry, hurt, numb, all kinds of horrible feelings... I went through all their exchange e-mails and I can not imagine how much pain it is to find out that, all those times, someone you love, trust, devote your life and everything can betray you... At that very moment, I did not function well, as a human reaction I was so mad. I replied to that woman email saying "I have read all your emails to my husband. Please do not mess up." After 10 minutes my husband called me and confront me why I did that.

I told him that he should come home because we need to talk... I went panic, sobbing and I get wild.. The worst thing when he come home and we talk he told me that he love her, because she understand him, they have a strong connections, they feel comfortable with each other. And it was my fault, it was me driven him to do this because of our bad communication... He told me bunch of negative things about me, that we are so different in everything.

I went mad and probably react to all the **** of him... He tried to comfort me, but I was so upset, frustrated, angry hurt... I pushed him away and said all bad things to him...
Next day I found this woman number which I tried to dialed and hang up when she answered... But when my husband come home from work he confront me and said "would you promised me not to call this number again, its because this woman is married with 3 kids and he can not take that responsibility if something happened to this womans family or her husband ever find it out". I did not reply him but of course I can't do that. He freak out saying that I am a psycho.. and he dont know me... And he want a divorce as soon as possible.

I got so angry with him and ask him to go away to leave this house... It was full of anger, our conversation end up in a big mess. The following day he tried to negotiate to me, he suggest that we take this things easy, that we need to find a solution to this and reflect to ourselves. But he said he will not stop contact with her, at that evening while we are watching tv he just stood up went to computer room and start chatting with her...

I thought that was it I can not take it anymore... I told him I can not set around and do nothing while he is pinning this woman... I ask him to stop this. It crushed me when he said he can not commit to this marriage he want to be free... The very next day he went out and meet with her and so sure that he want a divorce.

My god, I do not know what to do... Did I pushed my husband away is it me is the problem... I dont want a divorce. I want to give this marraige a chance. I believe that we can work this out. We never have a real fight aside from differences on our ideas, in general he is a good man. I just realised maybe I was passive towards him... I dont know!.. Why this all happened to us!.. He is so firmed with his decission even I asked him to re-consider things and decide carefully, he said he is over this and nothing can change his decession.... We are still together in the house but all separated...
What should I do please advice.

Daffodills

[Helen]

Daffodils,

I found this line interesting:

its because this woman is married with 3 kids and he can not take that responsibility if something happened to this womans family or her husband ever find it out

Er...if he knows she is married with 3 kids, why is he messing with her? If her husband does find out it is *HIS* responsibility, not yours. Far more interesting to me - you have only been married 14 months. If your husband has a problem with the way you communicate, why isn't he telling you? Why form a relationship with a MARRIED mother of 3? It makes no sense. You are not a psycho. Your reaction and behaviour is normal, under the circumstances. Your husband has a screw loose if he can't see that, by the way...

I have to pop out now but I will be back in about 40 minutes and will give you a fuller answer then.


Helen

[daffodils]

Thank's for writing back Helen!..

I am so confused. I do not know what to do. I want to save our marriage but he do not want to cooperate. What should I do.

Daff.

[Helen]

Daffodil,

I cannot speak for too long now because I am off to have dinner with a neighbour with a new born. But I will say this. Your husband owes it to BOTH of you to give you a chance. Why on earth did he marry you if he is willing to throw in the towel after only 14 months and after one problem has reared its head? He is doing both of you a disservice.

If I were you I would tell him that you took your marriage vows seriously and you are not willing to call it a day after so little time without a fight. Ultimately, this woman is not free to come to him and even if she were, is he really saying he is willing to take on 3 kids? Not to mention her husband's rage? Insist that he goes to marriage counselling with you and do not take no for an answer. You need to get to the bottom of why he is talking to this woman instead of you.

What did the emails say, by the way?


Helen

[daffodils]

I understand, i hope you have a nice dinner.

There are tones of e-mails on his mailbox from this woman.
But most of it is about how they miss each other. What plans they have for the day(they work together). On my impression this woman is so needy. Sounds like she is having a problem with her husband and my husband is her saviour.. I trust my husband so much, there were many times he has to come late because of meeting etc... But it shows in the emails that they spend time together.
My husband say that this is only going on for a month. But based on the emails its already 3 months. He even told me that there is no sexual thing happened just emails... Oh!.. this is so terrible. I do not know what to believed.

[Helen]

Daffodils

Your husband is unbelievable. Not only is he blaming you for his actions, he expects you to help him conceal what he has been doing from this woman's husband. You realise if you do that he will just carry on doing whatever he is doing with her, don't you? He says the affair isn't sexual. I am not so sure. Why are they telling each other they miss each other when they are apart? Why does your husband think he loves this woman? They may not have slept together (?) but there is something going on there.

You were perfectly within your rights to send that email to this woman. If she has any decency she will back off, especially now she knows that you know. But it is possible that she won't, in which case you will need to think about what happens next. Tell your husband to make no mistake - you will confront her if you have to because what they are doing isn't fair to you and it isn't fair to her husband and children either (call his bluff over this - I would not recommend that you actually confront her...yet). This nonsense between the two of them ends right now otherwise you will do it and you don't care if her husband finds out. He deserves to know what kind of woman he is married to.

Do not let your husband make you feel bad when he calls you names and makes out that you are a psycho. You have only been married for 14 months, for goodness sakes! How on earth does he expect you to react? You are right not to promise anything. So far, he has promised you nothing. Not a thing. Yet he is trying to get you to make all sorts of promises. If I were you I would tell him you are not prepared to make any promises until he agrees to stop seeing this woman, stop emailing her and go to marriage counselling with you. And if he insists on divorce, I would tell him that you would do it on the grounds of his adultery with her - but before you say this, I would print all those emails and hide them as evidence.

I am sorry to suggest that you do these underhand things but he really is leaving you little in the way of choice. At the end of the day you married this man because you loved him but it isn't terribly clear why he married you. If you are so bad at communicating, as he says, why didn't he say this? Why did he marry you despite that? Everything he is saying is just an excuse to justify his actions.

As for her, I would email her again and tell her to find someone else to confide in. Your husband is taken. As for 'missing him' I would tell her outright - back off. He is your husband. If she needs support she should find it elsewhere and if she does not leave your husband alone, you will tell her husband what is going on.


Helen

[shadow]

Your reaction is completely normal, there is many stages that you will go thru while you heal. But right now you need to think of yourself, you need to draw the line in the sand, the ONLY WAY that the marriage will work now is if your husband is fully 200% ready to commit to it and make amends for his actions. NO CONTACT is the only way to even give your husband a chance. Be firm when you tell your husband, let him know that you mean it. He might decide to leave, but it wont be your fault, it will be his, and tho it will hurt for a while, it will be much easier to get over and much better then living day in and day out with the constant pain of a affair.

Your husband reaction and blaming is you also normal, he is trying to blame you for his guilty feelings, to make it your fault so he feels better about what he has done, dont let it get to you.

Do like Helen said contact her and tell her to lay off, or you will tell her husband, if your husband dont like it then tough..... the game is not in his ballpark anymore. He wants to continue the relationship so he is trying to keep it going, dont let him. Honestly I would tell the husband anyway. It would not be just for revenge, but it will feel little good doing for that, but mainly for 2 reason, one so she cannot not move on and ruin another marriage, but the main reason, is cause I would want to know. If my husband was having a affair I would want someone to tell me.

A marriage can be fixed from a affair, it is really hard and it takes alot of work from both of you, I'm into a year and half of recovery now, in lot of ways our marriage is alot better now but there is still pain and trigger moments. Your husband is got to realize that he has to earn your love and trust back. He cannot say sorry enough, he needs to account for all of his time, be completely honest. But it will not work, until he takes the first step, and that is NO more contact with other woman. Best way for you two to handle that is not doing it in person, or even a phone call, but for the two of you to write a letter, him saying that he has realized he made a mistake and his family is important to him and wants to work it out. And to do that she must not contact him no more.

You said they are collegues, that will make it tough, it was the same with my husband one night stand, I gave him a choice quit his job right away and get a different one, or move out. Some people i know just changed shifts so not on the same shift together. But it might not have to be your husband that has to change jobs, if her husbnd knew it might be her that would have to make the change. Work should not become first over your marriage. Right now your marriage is the most important thing and should be placed first.

[jack]

I know where you are coming from as my husband of 20 years had a 2 year affair with a mutual friend- she was needy and in a bad marriage (4 kids) she thought he would rescue her. What he got out of the affair was feeling sexually desired and dominant/in control/status over her (I am the dominant partner in our marriage) He lied to me at first saying they were just 'close' and had feelings for each other.
In the end she left her husband and my husband got cold feet as he never really had feelings it was more about sex. we are now trying to repair our marriage.
My husband took full responsibility for the hurt he has caused and has shown he can change. He never blamed me. If your h cannot do this in time the you need to look at option of seperating.
For a marriage to recover he needs to END ALL CONTACT with her- you need to insist of this and if he refuses then maybe a separation is needed.
I think you need to go through the anger stage - its normal and healthy. The next step is to talk with him and try and get some understanding of the affair - not to make excuses or justifications but if you do not get some meaning ofr yourself you will not be able to move on (with or without him)
A good book to buy is by Julia Cole 'After the Affair' by Relate or anything by Shirley Glass who has done tons of research into affairs.
Try to remember you are the stronger person- men who have affairs are showing their weakness- instead of being an honest 'grown up' and addressing his issues with you he has opted for easy option - comfort and ego boost from a vulnerable woman.
You have done nothing wrong he has. If he had problems in the relationship with you he should have worked on them/shared them with you.
Affairs are not 'real' relationships - they are fantasy/escape from reality - you do not see the whole person - thats why vast majority of relationships where people leave their marraige for a lover fail.
Try to stay strong , look after yourself , remind yourself this is his doing - you did not make him do anything
mand xxx

[Kimberley]

Sorry to hear your problems mine were virtually the same see thread Betrayal - if she wont back off and he wont stop it is difficult to repair the marriage. My husband did the same when we were married six months it really does hurt when you put trust and love in a relationship to be repaid by such crappy behaviour you dont deserve it no matter what he says. Be strong and if you feel the need to post many of us here know what you are going through and will be your listening ear.


Kimberley

[daffodils]

Dear Helen, Shadow, Jack & Kim,

I really appreciate your advices it is all uplifting. I am so down and still confused. I am sure to myself that I want to save our marriage and give it a chance. I tried to talk to him about it, he said he is lost and need to find himself again and he need time for this... He said he can not promise me the commitments to the our marriage...

I still dont have the courage to call the H of this woman I know how much pain it is, I think it is too much too people to involve... Maybe I am just a coward... I am a catholic and I am brought up not to be hated and put revenge... I know sooner or later he will find it out on his own way, like my husband he is so destructive lately and it is so easy to tell that there is something wrong.

I am a little better today though, I wen tback to school... Eventhough I can not doanyhting at all I managed to go out!....

But I still think over this telling her H... I am just so scared what will happened to me!..
I am reading a book save our marriage, it says the one who telling the others spouse is mostly the one left out!... Is this true?...

[shadow]

I know you are scared, it is so hard right now to know which road to take, and if you make the right decision. And trying to make these decision while dealing with . I think back to the time when I first found out and it is such a blur, and I still get sick to my stomach of the pain and bleakness I was going thru. How a person can live thru so much is beyond me.

I do strongly suggest, that gather your strength and put a stop to it. Demand NO CONTACT or the the highway.

His threatning to leave just might be that, a threat, he is wanting to push you into getting his way, thinking that if he says that then you will give in. Even if he does leave he can still be testing you, to see if you beg him to come back. Dont, show him that you can move on if he is not willing to work at the marriage.

I have no doubt that you love him with your whole heart, I know you want more then anything in the whole world to make the marraige work. I prayed for the same thing.
Look at the pain that you are in now, can you stay in the marriage living with this pain every day for years????? Dont you deserve to be first in his life? Can you live with being second???? No matter what he has told you do not let him bully you into letting it continue, that is emotional abuse on his part.

YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS! IT IS NOT A MARRIAGE!

If he leaves, and it is for good, but you will move on and will find someone out there that is willing to treat you like the wife, to put you first, give you what you deserve. It is his loss.

What does he think that he leaves and his mistress is going to leave her husband and kids for him??? He has a rude awakning!!!

I still feel that the husband of women should know, but that is just my personal opionion, cause if I was him I would want to know, I would want to know if I was being a fooled of, having everyone know but me!

Hun sleep on it tonight, think about what to you a marraige should be, what morally right on how should you be treated. do you want to be first or second? do you really want to live like this day in and day out no matter how much you love him. do you deserve to be treated like this? Think about every possiable thing that could happen, if he leaves, if he stays what things need to change to make the marraige work, and are you emotionally ready to do the work?

There is so many steps that you two will have to do to make it work but you cant start on that until the affair ends.

Dont waste another day, dont ask him to stop the affair, TELL HIM, to stop and no contact from the minute on. what you expect from him and what you will do in return. Dont do it angry and screaming. Calmly tell him with a firm voice that you deserve better and will not tolerate another minute of his betrayal.

[daffodils]

Dear Shadow,

Thank's a lot for your reply!... It really inspired me to go on... and be strong!..
You sounds very personality, I wish I have that courage right now... I am still so scared to make the wrong steps... But all you are saying here is right. I know I am a good wife and I can not imagine myself hurting him...

I am actually trying hard to focus and gather some strength and I will make actions no matter how it will come out, I really need to know where do I stand now...
He can not stop pinning this woman...

[shadow]

I wish I have that courage right now... I am still so scared to make the wrong steps..

It is going to be a very long time before you are sure that you made the right decision. In all honesty, him leaving will be the quickest and easiest way. Yes you will hurt for a sometime but every day will get better and you will move on with your life, and eventually fall in love again. Staying in the marriage and working it out is twice as hard, cause you will have to deal with some many feelings and trying to gain the trust back. It is a day in and day out fight every day, and you never from one minute to the next how you are going to feel.

The first year I always wondered if I made the right decisions. In the beginning when I first found out and decided to try and forgive my husband, I decided on what I would need to try to do that. I did call a minister I knew that also does marriage counlsor and told him what I was going to say to my husband that night and would it be the right thing to do. He agreed with me and said that to make the healing begin but to be prepared that the end might not be what I wanted, and that if he crossed that line I had to stand firm in my decsion and lose him. I spent the rest of the afternoon thinking of what my life would be like without him. I was preparing myself for the worst.

Thankfully it did not end that way, my husband wanted me to forgive him and he wanted to make a go of it. But I know if he didnt I would of stand firm and moved on.

It does take alot of courage, your really going to dig down and gather every ounce of it that you can to get you thru this. And no matter what the outcome is, tho at times you will have doubts they will be the right ones. The only way you will lose in this, is to continue being with a man that cannot commit himself to you

The hardest words you will every have to say to him is...."That's it, I'm done.. I withdraw my feelings, I withdraw my emotions. You just go do whatever you're going to do because I'm not going to live like this anymore." "I deserve better. you may not have any boundaries, but I do. And my boundaries say, 'You either treat me with integrity, dignity and respect or you don't treat me at all'?" Stand up for yourself

Your heart is going to be scared, you love him you want it to work. Don't rely on your heart to tell you what to do; rely on your intellect. Do what logic tells you is the right thing to do.

Once you find the courage to do that tell your husband that he nows have a hard decision to make. Either leave the marriage to free you to move on or commit to the marriage, there is no in between, there is no give me time to figure things out. You know what you want and he dosnt deserve any more time, he had plenty of time before he decided to have a affair.

And no matter the outcome hun do not let him put the blame on you that you did this and that or you didnt do this or that.

This is not your fault!!

Stop beating yourself up about this. You have got to know that this has nothing to do with you. You are not the one who made the decision to break your commitment to your partner and cheat. You have nothing to do with your partner making the immature, inappropriate, self-destructive choice to turn away from you to someone else

HUgs!!

[daffodils]

Dear Shadow,

Finally, I have talked to my H today. Once and for all I made all this things clear. You are right I am making myself miserable as days past by and I dont deserve this. I am here trying everything to save this marriage and he is there still pinning this OW. I told him this morning that he has to stop writting to this OW... He answered me " Are you threatening me?" I said no, I am telling you... I did it in a calm and firm way as you said... He went wild and screaming but I tried to handle myself not to be so emotional.

What a guy I married, what he tell me is in this past 5 days he only write her twice 2 lines... What is this about?.. I dont understand!.. Why he cant just give up this contact with this married woman with 3 kids... He really thinks that he is so in love with her...

I dont know if it is right that I ask him if He loves me?.. He give me an answer not today!... At that very moment I did not feel anything.. I think that's really it!... It worries me now that how can I not feel anything... I am so numb, emotionally, physically and I cant even think... Is this hatred or just shock!.. Do I need to do anything... I think this is not a normal feelings...

I told him Ok! If you write her 2 lines twice. Then I can also write her twice 2 lines!... And he went mad screaming!.. He said this OW is so helpless and seeing a psychologist that I should not drag her into the break down of our marriage... He is really insisting that it was my fault why he did this... He even told me that he was so unhappy long time ago, we can not communicate and that I can not understand him... He is willing to salvage our marriage for this OW whom he works with, married and mother to three, what happened to my H?..

How can this be possible if he did not even try to talk to me, he did not even tell me what is wrong with me... I did ask him many times what is going on, why he is acting so strange?..

My god!.. I dont know what to do anymore... I think i'll just go ahead with the divorce...
This marriage is over!... He can't commit, He can't give up this woman, and He dont even love me now... Nothing there to hold on!... What should I do?...

[Helen]

Daffodils,

You poor thing. I would hold fire on the divorce for the moment but I would tell your husband that if he cannot make up his mind and stop behaving like an ass then he has to move out while he thinks about his feelings. I would also tell him you are not talking divorce but you think a managed separation will give you both space to think about what you want.

I think you were right to ask him if he loves you but at the moment, he is looking for all sorts of reasons to justify his actions so you are not going to get an honest answer. He will say no, he doesn't love you, he loves this woman because in his mind, this justifies his actions. He was messing around with her because 'he loves her' and he is trying to convince himself that you do not deserve his love. Therefore 'you are to blame'. The reason for this behaviour isn't rocket science. He doesn't want to accept responsibility for what he is doing, because he would then have to admit that what he is doing is wrong. Which, incidentally, is why he is blaming you. That is easier than admitting he is a lying scumbag.

He talks about this woman seeing a psychologist and being vulnerable - well you are vulnerable too. Your marriage is in danger and you are trying to protect it. At the end of the day, he married you only 14 months ago. So how can he talk about being unhappy for a long time? In the grand scheme of things, you have not been married for long enough for him to have been 'unhappy for a long time'. A further question for him - if he was so unhappy, for so long, why the heck did he marry you? It is bs and you should tell him that is what it is.

The reason why you are not feeling anything is because you are in shock. You cannot believe that this man you married in good faith and vowed to be with forever is the same man in front of you behaving like an ass. He asked you about threats? Did you remind him that he threatened to divorce you if you did anything to let the other woman's husband know about their relationship? What was that if not a threat? He is in no position to threaten you, by the way, and I would tell him that. From where I am sitting, you are holding all the aces.

I would tell him if this woman is so unhappy with her husband, she should be talking to her husband about it and going with HIM to marriage counselling. Not forming an emotional attachment to another man, a man who is MARRIED to boot. That isn't on. I would also tell your husband that his fidelity and loyalty belongs to you, not her. It is one thing supporting someone when they are down but he is completely out of order to tell her that he misses her when they are apart. He is also out of order for behaving like a selfish pig when you, quite rightly, try to find out what is going on. He talks about you not bringing her into the breakdown of your marriage? 1) it was nice of him to let YOU know that the marriage was in trouble, because up until you found the emails, you had no idea there was a major problem and 2) it is HE who is bringing her into your marriage, not you. You ARE, however, telling him very reasonably, that you want her out of your marriage. If he cannot see why he has to stop talking to her and seeing her then he is being unreasonable by behaving like a spoilt child who is determined to get his way.

If he honestly cannot let this woman go, I think you need to suggest that you separate so that you both have time to think about the way forward. You cannot mend your marriage in this battlefield and it is clear that he is incapable of thinking straight because he seems determined to blame you for everything. At the end of the day, HE is the one who is messing around, not you. He owed you a responsibility to tell you he was unhappy and he didn't. (incidentally, I don't think he was. But it is easier to say he was because there is no justification for what he is doing).

And if, eventually, you decide to divorce, I would do it on the grounds of his adultery with this woman.


Helen

[shadow]

Is this hatred or just shock!.. Do I need to do anything... I think this is not a normal feelings...

It is shock, your heart has felt terriable pain, and now it has built a wall around it cause it cant take anymore, and it is preparing you for more pain that might come. You have stood up for yourself and your heart is preparing itself for the worst outcome. It is normal, this feeling and the anger that comes next are the two longest stages of the grieving. If your husband if he decides to stay and work it out is to start chipping away at that wall, and tho it will scare you let him do it (you will understand that part when that times come), your going to have to slowly let him do it if he is really trying.

Please dont file for divorce right away, seperation might be the next thing if he dont have a change of heart. And he might, once that he sees that you will not back down. At least you dont have to worry about him running straight to the OW.

I agree with Helen he cannot use that excuse of being unhappy for a long time, he is just doing it to help him feel better with his pain, and his guilty feelings what he has done to you. He needs to acknowlege what he has done, that it was all his choice, that even tho your not perfect ( cause who is) it was no excuse for his action. And it will be hard for him to look you in the eyes and admit to what he did. For a while you guys are going to have to openly talk about it, and my husband realized that it was something that had to be done, that I needed it, and he hated it, he hated to admit that he did something that hurt me so bad. He needs to have the decency to tell you in all honesty and candor that it was his own choices. He is the one who ran this relationship off in the ditch. This had nothing to do with you If he want to fix your marriage, he will have to accept responsibility and do whatever it takes to earn your trust back one step at a time.

Set him down and tell about how much you hurt, and even tho it is going to be hard for both of you, you are willing to take that chance, if that is what you decide, but you are going to be honest with him, that he will need to be completely honest with you about everything. That is will be some time before you can trust him again and he will have to do everything to earn that trust back again.....tell him to be mature enough to recognize that life is not always all about him and what feels good for him in the moment. If you are married, you have an obligation and a commitment that far transcends what feels good.

Let him know that he will need to help you find emotional closure. he must do whatever it takes until you finds it. If it requires him to check in with you multiple times a day, then do it. It'll require him being where he supposed to be, when he supposed to be, 24 hours-a-day, seven days-a-week, so you can trust you again. And you do it until.

Let him know that open honest communciation lines will have to be open and you guys will need to do alot of talking. That you wont badger him forever with a life sentence for this but you will need to talk about it without blaming and screaming. But to give you time and that if both of you work really hard at it then it can slowly be repaired. And you must turn to each other to deal with problems, not to another person.

It does help to find as much as you can and read alot of posts of others that has been in your shoes. It does help having others that understand to make you not feel alone, this forum is great and here is 2 more that I find helpful too.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?fid=4

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?Cat=0&C=2

read as much as you can find, it helps alot.

I Know it took alot for you to do that this morning. And in the long run you wont lose in however it comes out. And you will keep finding the strength to move on in no matter what happens now. Just make sure that you are honest with yourself, if you two are willing to make a go of it, and try and rebuild make sure that you are are honestly going to try and forgive, it wont come right away but are you going to really be able to try? Cause if so you both have alot of work ahead of you,

Keep us posted and keep you in my thoughts

Hugs

[daffodils]

Dear Helen & Shadow,

Thanks you so much for your mails... I am not getting better at all!..
I went away for a day, just not to be around here in the house... I stayed overbight to my cousin place, but still I can not open up all what is goind on wiht my marriage right now... I am still hoping me and my H will work this out. Eventhoughm that day i told myself that I give up on this marriage deep inside me is still praying that things will get better. My H is so firm with his decission now, he is even making plans for us, how the easiest way to get this divorce papaer done. He also contacted our bank I guess sorting out the mortgage of our house... He also mentioned this to me that he will just buy my part in the house because he want to stay here...

I am so scared, I dont know where to start!.. Why it is so unfair, he is the one having an affair but seems like he is still the one controlling everything. Sometimes, I feel like I am such a failure... When he said he want the divorce, I was not honest with myself when I said FINE that is your decission but deep inside me I dont want it... But I dont want to beg him.... It is all mess!...

I dont know waht to do... I am going to have my final exams and project in school... I cant really work, concentrate or study!... I am loosing everything!..

I am so sad....

[Helen]

Daffodils,

I know you are still hoping to work things out but your husband clearly isn't. It appears that he has made up his mind that he wants out of your short lived marriage so, if I were you, I would take off the rose tinted glasses and get real. Otherwise YOU will come out of this feeling as though you did something wrong - when you haven't.

First, if I were you I would contact your university and ask for a break due to domestic crisis. Most universities are pretty flexible and will give you a bit of time out to deal with whatever issues you have. Ask for 9 months. It will take you 6 months to come to terms with what is going on and then another 3 months to catch up on your studies/prepare for any exams you have. If you need to write a dissertation, ask for a year out.

Next? Contact this woman's husband and tell him what is going on. If your husband is willing to throw you away for a married mother of three, the least you can do is let the other woman's husband know what is going on. Sod your husband's feelings. He lost the right to expect your consideration when he declared war on you - and he HAS declared war. Besides, there are kids involved and the husband has a right to know that your husband is endangering his marriage - and access to his kids.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES allow your husband to divorce you. Tell him you are divorcing HIM on the grounds of HIS adultery with this woman. If you do not have copies of the emails, print them now. It doesn't matter if he races to file for divorce first. Your suit will take precedence because what can he say about you that you cannot refute? Remember, you have only been married for 14 months. If you need any help preparing your case, let us know. I am sure there will be no shortage of suggestions...

If you want to stay in the marital home, tell him he will have to leave. He was the one who cheated, not you. Why should you be the one to go? Tell HIM to leave. Go further. Call the police and have him removed. Tell them that he has been threatening you.

It seems your husband wants to do this in a very hostile fashion. Fine. Just remember - you have the upper hand because you haven't done anything wrong. He, on the other hand, is on shakier ground. Tell him he cannot bully you. It will not work. I would also tell him this could all stop NOW if he ends his association with this woman. And then, if he refuses, do what you have to do to come out of this with a home and with whatever you need to move on.

Good luck


Helen

[daffodils]

Dear Helen,

Thank's for the advices once again!..

Yes, I think I really need to get this break from my school... I am going to speak to my councilor on Monday...

For the rest, I am thinking about it very carefully and have to make some plans, in case worst come to worst... I am still holding that Ace about OW-husband I guess I have to use it on the perfect time and its not now... I feel so bad about this but you are right he is giving me no choice.

He talk to me today that, if we are going to separate ways we should do it under our control. Not hating each other... He said he care so much about me and wanted to help me in every circumstances, but it's just he can not be a good husband to me anymore... I think he is full of guilt that he can not forgive himself... In some way I feel sorry for him but he is not giving himself a chance eventhough I am willing to give him a chance.

I ask him to leave, but we both know that I can not afford to pay this house I have no stable job and still studying... He ask me that we can stay here like this in different rooms until the divorce is finalized... I told him that I want to sell this house but he is begging me not to, he wants to keep the house and he said he will give my share back...
I dont know what to do and I have no idea how does it works on divorce process. How about the house, car, insurance, mortgage etc..? Yes, I need some suggestions on this.

What is the difference if he or me file the divorce first?. Does it make difference if I file for the ground of Adultery? I have forwarded those e-mails on my account just need to print them out.

I still can not believed that the man I married is like my enemy now... I still have that love in my heart sometimes I dont want to think or see him suffering!...

As you know that we are still together in the same house right now... He see me sad and crying sometimes. He come to me and say he dont what to do!... Is that okay that he is seeing me like this or I should rather hide it or go out if I am being emotional.

Thank you in advance!...

Daff

[Helen]

Daffodils,

I am not surprised he is full of guilt. You have only been married for 14 months and you don't deserve this. But, ultimately, it doesn't matter how long you have been married. He should not be doing what he is doing, especially not with a married mother of 3 children. Does he know what he plans to do from now on? Is this woman planning to leave her husband for him? What about the children?

What strikes me is your husband's total refusal to confront what he is doing. He seems to think divorce is the answer. He is making absolutely no attempt to fix this. Has he explained why, beyond saying he cannot be a good husband to you? What does that mean anyway? Nothing is inevitable and he has it within his control to fix things between you if he wants to. For some reason, he isn't thinking about this at all.

Re the house and everything - I am not a legal expert and you need some urgent legal advice. I am assuming you live in the UK. If so, if you go to this site http://www.lawcentres.org.uk/ and use the menu on the right, you can see if you can locate a free law centre in your area. They can advise on a number of things. In terms of living in the house with him, that is a difficult one. On the one hand, you need somewhere to live and can't really afford to go it alone. On the other hand, the two of you could well end up divorced one day. Living with him in that situation will be difficult.

What gets me is when he says he doesn't know what to do. It is simple really. Give up this woman and go to marriage counselling with you! What he seems to be saying is although he married you so recently, you are not worth fighting for and he is willing to take on another woman and her 3 kids, which is a horrible thing for you to confront.

What difference does it make if you file first? It doesn't matter who files first but it does matter what grounds for divorce your husband plans to use. If he tries to divorce you on the grounds of, for example, irreconcilable differences, he could ask the courts to make you pay half the divorce costs. That said, you could easily dispute what he is saying, and he would not be able to get his divorce on those grounds, especially if he has no evidence. You could also throw into the mix the fact that you have only just got married. Why on earth did he marry you if you are as bad as he is saying? On the other hand, if you file for divorce on the grounds of his adultery, you can ask the court to make him pay your legal fees (or him and this woman) and in the case of adultery, given that you have evidence, 1) he will not be able to fight it and 2) the court will almost certainly find in your favour. The only reason I advised you to divorce him on the grounds of his adultery is because legal bills are expensive and I don't see why you should have to pay anything. You haven't done a thing wrong.

I would not hide your feelings from him. At the end of the day, he needs to see how much pain he has inflicted and he should feel very guilty about it. He has caused you to feel that bad. You are right when you say he isn't giving you/the marriage a chance and you should tell him that.


Helen

[daffodils]

Hi everyone,

I am back here, I went for a break for couple of weeks. I am a little bit better but coming back here at home still give very different atmosphere.

I have made my final project, I am so proud of myself that I did handle it weel. Our final exam will be on the 17 of May. I am trying hard to work hard on it... This is the only thing keep me going for now.

After sometimes, I think I manage myself and emotion better. I have accepted that me and my husband will never work together, besides he did not give up with the OW, I dont have to waste my time to work it out... I know for now this is still hurt and bad, but I am looking forward for that day when I can look back and just laugh!...

I hope everyone here, have that courage to face all this pain, hurts and anger like I am having...

God bless,
Daff