Opinions please.

[maisyandmoo]

Hi,
I need some opinions please, my partner and I are getting married next year in a Church that is not in our local parish. As part of this our Vicar has said we need to attend regularly in order to be able to marry.

Neither of us have attended any services for a long time, however I feel far more comfortable in doing so than my partner, anyway to make things easier for him I suggested we went to the Easter day service at our proposed church as it was more likley 'visitors' will be attending on this sort of occasion than on a 'regular' sunday service. So we went along, felt a little strange but didnt feel like everyone was looking at the newbies... Once we got home I said thanks for going and asked if it was as bad as he expected, to which he replied yes, it was as bad it was worse..

Now maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill but I feel extremely uncomfortable with 'making' my partner go to Church for the purpose of us getting married and I dont feel it is a good basis for marriage for him to do something he doesnt want to do.. Im completely torn about what to do, I would like a church wedding as it is important to me to have my marriage blessed and protected by God, which a civil wedding doesnt do. A friend of mine had a Methodist Church wedding and said it was far more relaxed as far as there was no enforcement of attendance although they did attend for the Banns. Is this correct?
Thanks

[Liz]

Hi there,

It can be very hard to go into a strange church among strangers and attend a service which you are not familiar with and much of which you don't understand. I can understand your fiancé struggling with the situation.

The vicar is sticking to the church's guidelines by asking you to attend. He would be within his rights to refuse to marry you if you are not resident in the parish, but by encouraging you to attend then he is making it possible for you to be married in the church you have chosen.

I do have some suggestions that might help you. First of all, why are you not getting married in one of the churches of the parish(es) you are resident in? In that case there would be no need to attend, although I would encourage you to attend so that you could hear your banns when they are called.

Secondly there seems to be a deeper issue here, which is what you and your fiancée know and believe about God. Some churches run courses such as Alpha and Emmaus which enable those who don't know much about Christianity to explore what it is about and reflect on how they want to respond to it. Something like that might help your fiancé understand both you and the church where you are to be married. It might also help you two to find the vocabulary to talk about what you believe and how that will affect the sort of marriage you wish to build together.

We have been involved in running marriage preparation in our church for years and we know that every couple comes with a different understanding about what getting married in church means to them and how much contact they want with that church. Most of those who conduct the marriage services and preparation are concerned for the couples who come, that they should have the best start in their marriages and that their special day should go well. They don’t want the wedding to be just about providing a venue, but about engaging with the couple and their friends and family and showing true love and concern and enabling them to see that God too is concerned and wants to be involved in their marriage. Sadly not every church fellowship and leader manages to get this right.

It is important for your fiancé to feel secure and welcome by the church where you are getting married but if going to church is proving too difficult for him, then helping him to understand why it is a problem may help. Is he able to understand and explain why your visit to church was such an awful experience for him? Once you have understood that together, perhaps you might have the courage to go back to the vicar and talk about your experience. The church may have lessons to learn form this in how it includes people who are new and unfamiliar with their way of doing things.

The easy way might be to find a church that doesn’t put these expectations on you, but I also would suggest that this difficult experience may be an opportunity for you and your fiancée to learn more about each other and about what you believe and what is important to you.

I wish you all the very best for the future.

Liz
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