French nightmare

[rubberbandgirl]

Hello everyone, this is my story. Iam 49, my husband is 52. We have two daughters, aged 20 and 21, back in the UK at university. I have lived here in France for two and a half years now. My husband has been here for seven years, due to his job. when he first came to live here, in a rented flat, I stayed in our UK home and looked after our daughters alone. his job has not worked out as he planned, but he loves being in France, and persuaded me to join him here once our youngest daughter left for university. So, rather than starting a new career in the UK, I came to live here. However, I was very loath to sell our property in the UK. I felt that it would be far more prudent to buy two flats; one here in France and one in the UK, so that our daughters would have somewhere to go, as indeed we would. but my husband was very much against this; he wanted to move here lock stock and barrel, so I sold our nice house because I felt under pressure to do so. After moving into our house here, my mother, whom I was very close to, died suddenly. My daughters don't like France and rarely visit us here; I hate being this far from them. I am financially dependent on my husband, although I do voluntary work within the British community here, there is no prospects of me getting paid employment. Despite an 'O' level in French, and many attempts to get to grips with the language, I find it very difficult and feel isolated. My husband hates his job here, but as it is secure, he won't leave. His philosophy is to 'take the money and run'. This houses we have here is too big for us, we could comfortably live in half the amount of space. I still feel VERY STRONGLY that we should downsize here and buy a small place in the UK, but my husband will not budge. HE likes this house. HE is happy here. HE has no intentions of EVER returning to the UK. My feelings however, are very different. We are arguing all the time, and barely speaking at the moment. I have told him that I am thinking of leaving; he has told me that if I do, he will re-mortgage this house, give me what the law requires him to give (I own 50% of the house) and because he will be so financially obligated, he will not be able to give our daughters any financial support and it is ALL MY FAULT.

I have never felt so unhappy in my life, I would truly appreciate any thoughts on this........

[Helen]

Hi Rubberbandgirl,

Welcome to the board. When I read your post, I couldn't help but wonder when your marriage started to be all about him. He doesn't seem to be making any room for your feelings at all nor is he considering your needs. What a frustrating situation to be in. Your husband's career has not worked out as planned yet he still wants to stay, despite knowing how unhappy you are. He seems to be relishing the fact that you have been, in effect, disempowered and isolated. Indeed, he doesn't seem to care about you - this is all about him.

I am not surprised you are arguing all the time. I am sure he loves the house but I wonder which of you is having to clean it? I also think you notice the extra space more because your daughters will not visit or stay. Finally, of course he won't downsize and let you buy a small place in the UK because he knows the minute he does this, you will leave.

The fact that he is insisting you stay and saying that the price of your departure would be the withdrawal of support for your daughters is pretty telling. The man is selfish. Has he always been this way or is this something you have only noticed since you moved to France? Is he seriously suggesting that he will not support these two children that he helped bring into the world and supposedly loves?

I cannot help wondering what was happening with him in the period before you sold up and moved to France to be with him. Finally, do you have any idea why he feels so strongly about staying?


Helen

[rubberbandgirl]

Hi Helen,

Many thanks for your prompt reply, which is much appreciated. My husband has displayed selfish behaviour before, in the early days of our marriage. He has always wanted a 'successful' career, something 'interesting'. When our daughters were toddlers, he developed an obsession for sports cars. His then job was not giving him a great deal of satisfaction, so he bought a sports car for a lot of money, it turned out to be unreliable, in the end he got rid of it. We were several thousand pounds down, a lot to lose when you have a young family to support. He then bought a kit car, aided financially by his mother, which meant that he was spending all his spare time building it, and our driveway was littered with old Vauxhall Vivas. We nearly split up then, but as someone who didn't grow up with a dad around, I didn't want our daughters to suffer that.

He has his 'issues' with the UK. He is ALWAYS going on about how horribly expensive everything is, how crowded it is etc., he says he doesn't want to retire to a country where he will be afraid to put the heating on because it's expensive. He also does not want to live on an 'estate' with neighbours he might not like. We couldn't afford a house in the UK like the one we have here in the France, but I lived in a small semi there and was very happy, had nice neighbours. I think part of the problem is that we both come from different social backgrounds. My dear mum was a single parent and we lived in a council house. His parents were quite comfortably off; large detached house, double garage, very desirable location etc. Like me, he is an only child. Maybe we're both selfish.

I have a bond with the UK, even though the only family I have there are my daughters. It is just 'home' to me, he doesn't seem able to understand that. Hoever, I would be happy to stay here with him if we downsized, had a small place in the UK, I would feel much more secure. But he goes on about the cost, standing charges, aand that he won't entertain the idea. When we were househunting here, he looked at a much larger house, it cost one hundred thousand euros more than this one. When I pointed out that it was beyond our budget, he said, 'oh, I think we can manage it". So if we could manage that, we could certainly manage my suggestion. And I wouldn't leave him if we did that. I would feel that he was compromising and taking my feelings into consideration. But it just seems non-negotiable and I am seriously wondering whether I can stay with this man.

[Helen]

Rubberbandgirl,

Thanks for explaining the situation to me. It does sound to me as though your husband has something to prove. First, he splurged on a sports car when you had a young family. Not exactly a sensible purchase when you have two young children! Now here he is with the big house in France, which he is so determined to hang onto that your feelings are clearly secondary. He does seem obsessed with the trappings of success.

I am getting a sense of something to do with his parents. Maybe he feels pressure to do better than them because that is usually the way of things. Or maybe this is about a strong need to prove to anyone who knew them (if they are no longer around) that he is doing well. My own parents were immigrants from very poor backgrounds and worked in blue collar jobs. Neither of them were educated beyond middle school. I am British born and was the first in my family to go to university. And I have a very good white collar job. Yet for me, it isn't about competition. Like your husband, I come from a large private house (my parents did very well when they came here) yet I now live in an ex-council flat. And I am content with my lot in life (funnily enough, my mother nags me to buy a house!). I gave you a brief summary of my background because it does sound to me as though your husband is engaged in a private game of one-upmanship. Not only does he have a huge house, he lives abroad. I am betting any family or friends left in the UK are being told how well everything is going and how great your life is.

Yet it isn't. Were you aware, when you agreed to join him, that he expected you to dispose of everything and leave your life and friends (and potential career) behind to move there permanently? If not, I am guessing you are pretty angry because you feel trapped. This isn't the life that you envisaged for yourself at all. It is your husband's life that you are living and once again you are at his mercy while he pursues his own selfish goals. He isn't even willing to discuss it with you and, for something as major as moving abroad, he should have had the decency to discuss it with you before trapping you there. I am not surprised you are talking in terms of feeling more secure if you had the option to return home occasionally. You are feeling homesick and more than a little betrayed, I expect.

It does sound to me as though a compromise is needed and your views on downsizing and buying a small place in the UK sound like an ideal solution. Does your husband know how close you are to leaving? Only, if he makes his threat to sell up and divide everything in half, I would throw it back at him for the empty threat it is. The advantage for you - you would be able to buy your small place in the UK but you would have to get a job to support yourself and your daughters, as would they. For you this should not be a problem since you were planning on starting a career anyway and you can't do this in France. The disadvantage for him is he ends up downsizing anyway plus he will have no wife and will also no doubt estrange his daughters too. Is he really willing to do that? I would make it clear that you are talking compromise otherwise his 50-50 scenario will become a reality.

Whatever happens, you cannot live like this forever because you are deeply unhappy.


Helen

[rubberbandgirl]

Hi Helen,

I had grave doubts about moving to France several years before doing it. But my mum, who was alive then, and several of my friends felt very strongly that we should be 'living together' , and that 'living apart' would wreck our marriage. I was also having difficulties with two teenage daughters, and I suppose I agreed to it because I felt pretty well ground down. So I blame myself for not having the guts to say no back then.

I have this evening, once again, told him how I feel. I told him that we need to compromise, otherwise our marraige is over. He has made it clear that the compromise is not on offer; he is very sad, but separating is probably for the best. I feel absolutely gutted, but it will have to be done. Part of me wants him to change his mind, and compromise, but he just loves the house too much. Telling my daughters will be horrible. They are both Daddy's girls, he is always bailing them out financially, they will probably hate me.

[Helen]

Rubberbandgirl,

I am so sorry to hear that. I cannot believe he would rather end his marriage than compromise with his wife of more than 20 years. That is unbelieveable. Has he said why this particular house matters to him so much? Doesn't he care about you?


Helen

[Helen]

I forgot to say, if I were you, I would speak to your daughters as soon as possible. I think you may be surprised. They never visit and hate the house too so I doubt they will hate you. But it feels to me like you are all alone with a man who is, in effect, a childish bully and you need some support.


H

[rubberbandgirl]

Hi Helen,

My daughters don't hate the house; what they hate is the fact that when we moved here, there was no'home' for them in easy reach to go to, for the odd weekend, say. On the very few occasions they have visited here, there is nothing for them, no friends etc. My eldest daughter hasn't visited for a year, she does have a part-time job, but I think if she really wanted to, she could arrange time off etc. My youngest has no plans to come over anytime soon. Perhaps I'm just being a wimp about this, but there you are.

He is out walking at the moment to 'clear his head'. He is obviously upset, but we are being civil to each other. I think he feels that because of his work situation, he has 'failed' in some way. Having the house probably makes him feel that he has 'achieved' something.

[Helen]

Rubberbandgirl,

I misunderstood the situation with your daughters - sorry. I don't think you are being a wimp about it at all. You are standing up to him and that is hard. I do hope while your husband is out, the fresh air will bring him to his senses. It is foolish to contemplate ending his marriage because he wants to hang on to a house that you feel is far too large. Apart from the fact that your daughters aren't able to visit as much as you would like, there are practical considerations. When the two of you are old, who is going to keep up the house? You might be able to manage now, but cleaning something that size when you get into your twilight years is no joke. Before the two of you start sinking vast sums of money into getting this place as nice is you would like it, wouldn't it make more sense to buy something a bit smaller and less isolated, with the future in mind? Ultimately, you are not saying he can't live in France. You are not saying he can't have a nice house either. What you are saying is you would prefer a house that you both love and want to live in. And you would like a small place in England so that your daughters have somewhere to go and so that the two of you can see more of them. What is so bad about that?

When he comes back, I would tell him that you really don't want to separate. You two have a lot of history - too much to throw away over a house. But there is a serious issue here that needs to be addressed. The house is impractical. You are not going to be young forever and maintaining it will be impossible when you get old. There is also the issue of your daughters, who neither of you see enough of. Surely he is not serious when he says he will put this house before his girls? Why is it so important to him to keep it? You need to know why he is willing to throw his wife and daughters away for a house, because this is what he is doing. He cannot blame you. Your responsibility as his wife is to tell him you are unhappy and this is what you have done. His responsibility as your husband is to respond to this in a reasoned way. And he hasn't yet. So you need to know.

His need to hang onto the house will be the harder thing to deal with but I agree with your view that he might be clinging to it because his job isn't panning out so well. It is essential to get to the bottom of it with him. Regardless of what he says to justify his actions, England wasn't so expensive that the two of you couldn't afford to live there. And you could afford a house too - a lot of people can't. He also had a successful career. I do not understand how England's deficiencies equates to a big house in his mind. It doesn't make any sense. And the fact that his job isn't going so well in France is one of those unfortunate things that can happen. But it doesn't make him a loser in any way.

It is hard but don't throw in the towel yet. If push comes to shove and you do end up going your separate ways, at least you can say with good conscience that you tried - and tried.


Helen

[rubberbandgirl]

Helen, many thanks for your previous replies. for the last two months I have been trying really hard to come to terms with my life here. I have English acquaintances here through an expat club, but I still feel isolated. Most of the people I know are wealthy, sometimes we find it hard to buy food. My husband will NOT consider selling this house and buying a smaller falt here and one in the UK. My daughters feel angry because they have 'nowhere' to go in the UK. My oldest daughter has not visited for a year, the younger one for six months. I know they are busy; my oldest has a part-time job but she can get time off. I try to keep happy and busy, but my life seems to be one big act. It is getting harder to keep smiling. I am unable to get a job here, so I have no money. I feel trapped. Last week I felt so desperate I took an overdose of tranx but not enough because I'm still here.

[Helen]

Helen, many thanks for your previous replies. for the last two months I have been trying really hard to come to terms with my life here. I have English acquaintances here through an expat club, but I still feel isolated. Most of the people I know are wealthy, sometimes we find it hard to buy food. My husband will NOT consider selling this house and buying a smaller falt here and one in the UK. My daughters feel angry because they have 'nowhere' to go in the UK. My oldest daughter has not visited for a year, the younger one for six months. I know they are busy; my oldest has a part-time job but she can get time off. I try to keep happy and busy, but my life seems to be one big act. It is getting harder to keep smiling. I am unable to get a job here, so I have no money. I feel trapped. Last week I felt so desperate I took an overdose of tranx but not enough because I'm still here.Rubberbandgirl,

You have reached crunch point. Better you bail out than be miserable for the rest of your life. I am very sorry to hear you felt driven to take an overdose. I suspect it 'wasn't enough' [to finish you off] because you know this isn't the answer. Yet you know you are not going to get what you want - compromise by your husband - and you are torn because you do not want to end your marriage. Yet I suspect, ultimately, that you will have little choice if you are to maintain your sanity and sense of identity outside your husband's 'precious house'.

If I were you, I would seek some legal advice about exactly where you stand under French Law. You will need to outline the totality of your situation, from when you were living in the UK and the circumstances under which you moved to France. Once you are clear about your legal rights, I would ask your husband how he intends to buy you out of the house. Because your money and your sweat has been sunk into it too, including proceeds from the family home he made you sell. He lured you to France under false pretences, forcing you to sever all links to the UK. He said on a trial basis but he had his agenda all allong. He knew this wasn't what you wanted but he didn't care. It's all about him. I would tell him if he thinks you are just going to 'separate' and disappear and that will be the end of it, he has another think coming. You want your share - 60% if he follows through on his threat not to support his daughters through uni - and then you will leave. Chances are you may not get enough to buy somewhere in the UK but you may be able to buy a property under DIYSO or Let to Buy. Investigate your options. In the meantime, do not let your husband off the hook financially. Ignore any threats too - he knows he is in the wrong and if he resorts to threats, he needs to grow up.

The stupid thing? He will probably end up losing the house anyway because if he is forced to buy you out, there is no way he will be able to afford to keep it on. Tell him to think about that...but only put this to him after you have obtained proper legal advice.

I understand how you feel. There is nothing worse than smiling when you feel as though you are dying inside. My advice - be honest about how you really feel whenever possible - especially to yourself. Only through doing this will you find the strength to do something about the situation you are in. I realise there will people you don't know that well, who you will probably not want to tell and that's okay. But you need to confide in someone, if only to remove that deep seated sense of isolation.

Do take care and let us know how you get on with the French legal system.


Helen

[Holly]

Hi

I am very sorry and sympathise tremendously with your situation.

Please don't take another overdose. Can you get one of your daughters to be with you at the moment?

Please keep posting tonight. I'd really like to hear that you are alright!

Holly

[rubberbandgirl]

Hi Holly,

Thank you for your kind message, it is really appreciated. Sorry I did not reply sooner, but I was having a very down day, and when I feel like that, I just crawl into a hole. I have recovered my equilibrium somewhat, sat down, talked to OH about our situation, no slanging match this time. Maybe he is beginning to understand.

My thoughts and prayers are with you,

RG