unjustified jealousy?

[katrina123]

I have a arranged marraige for 2 years. MY wife had an affair before she got married to me and she told me about it. Before marraige i thought that it will not be an issue. Now i am getting very jealous and pester her to tell me everything about the affair, i.e. how far they had gone both physically and emotionally. This really pisses her off and even i think that she had been very honest about it by telling before the marraige.

I seriously need to take care of the green eyed monster before i go mad

[Helen]

Katrina,

Do you mean your wife had already been chosen for you and in the period while you were waiting to get married, she had an affair? Or do you mean she had an affair before both of you knew you were going to get married? Is virginity something that is prized in your culture or are things more liberal?


Helen

[scrapnpepper]

This also happened to me before I married my estranged wife.When she told me I was very upset and thought I could handle it,this happened two months before we got married.Well every time I got mad at her I threw it in her face.Bad idea The past should stay there I tried to trust her but It always stuck in the back of my head.I said terrible thing when I got angry,things you cant take back,even to this day through councling I'm learning that I can be a good husband if I address my issues first and formost.and then when you get the coping skills needed,Sit down and discuss your difficulties in how to handle your problem and why its hard to put it behind you,For me It ate at me until made myself so jealous I couldnt trust her even though it was over and done. I have done stupid things in my marriage I regret now but as hard as it seems let it go as long your still with your wife you still have the opportunity to have an open disscussion.But unlike me,Listen to her and what she has to say.The jealously might be masking another problem you really have with yourself.

[katrina123]

i mean the wife was chosen for me but ultimately i get to know her and decide after we have had a few dates. Virginity is very imp. i our culture and i must add that she has not had a sexual intercourse during the affair but just about everything else. Yes , she had an affair before 2 yrs of we knowing each other...

[Helen]

i mean the wife was chosen for me but ultimately i get to know her and decide after we have had a few dates. Virginity is very imp. i our culture and i must add that she has not had a sexual intercourse during the affair but just about everything else. Yes , she had an affair before 2 yrs of we knowing each other...Katrina,

Ask yourself if your wife gives you any reason at all to distrust her now. What is past is past. Yes she had a relationship with someone else but she saved herself for you, her husband. And she was honest with you - because she wanted to be - about past relationships.

You are falling in love with your wife and what you are feeling is normal. Just give thanks that she saved the most important part of herself - her virginity - for you and she will continue to be loyal to you now you are married. My only comment - try not to let what happened in the past come to the fore too much otherwise she WILL resent you for it.


Helen

[katrina123]

thanx ppl. you have been very helpful. Thats true. I think its now that i have really started loving her. All that i wanted to hear from her was that i a random person chosen for her( thats me) is better then the guy she wanted to get married to. But i figured out its immaterial. She is giving a 100% to the relationship and actually that is one thing that kept on unnerving me bacause she is almost perfect and just too good for me. Thank god that i am married to her rather then some bimbo who has a past which comes out one fine day when her ex would show up. Amazing person, my wife, nothing to hide, full of rationale and she actually even confessed that she thinks that it was the silliest thing she has ever done in her life by getting into a mess of that sort.....
I almost ended up telling her that i am so much bother by the whole issue that it hurts. I think i am gonna move on and i have already promised her that i will never talk about it ever in my life unless she wants to.....

[Helen]

Katrina,

That's good to hear. But don't let it simmer either. Forget about it because who came before you is immaterial and, as stated, she saved the best for you.

Incidentally, although you were chosen for each other, you both made the decision to get married. She therefore wanted to marry you. If she didn't, she would not have married you. Let that reassure you that you are better than the previous guy.


Helen

[katrina123]

Helen am back wanting more and more help. I dont know what to tell. Smaller issues like giving less attention to her then she expected have turned into a turmoil of a kind and now am almost on the verge of a divorce. She wants to leave.

I am broken and shattered. She feels i dont love her and no matter how much i express she doesnt beleive me.

God help me and show me the right path.

[Dave]

Take a look at the articles on communication on the site, and in particular the one on Love Languages (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/tips/whatlove.html). You may think you are telling your wife you love her, but not in the language she needs.


Dave

[Helen]

Katrina,

I agree with Dave. I would also ask you a broader question about communication generally. Your wife is unhappy because she says you are not giving her the attention she needs. But has she told you what attention she is expecting from you?

Incidentally, I think she is giving up far too easily. She should not walk away just yet. Marriage is not a game or to be taken lightly. You do not walk away at the first sign of trouble. Not without a fight, anyway...and from what I can see, you are the only one who is making any kind of effort to make things work. What effort is she making?


Helen

[katrina123]

She says i have not even once gifted her flowers and that i am a little too insensitive since i dont call her as often as she expected. And now if i do sent her flowers or try to call her she says its because she told that i am doing so. The fact is that i had been too busy with my life and still i saw to it that i gave her the utmost care that she wanted. But if i try to argue all that i get in responce is that "look, may be you are right. I am just expecting to much from you. Our personalities dont match and so lets go our separate ways.."

[katrina123]

But the truth is that i love her and can sacrifice anything, even my life for her.......
I feel even more guilty cause its something that i could have easily done and kept her happy but i am not that used to buying flowers and gifts since it does not happen in our family....

[Helen]

Katrina,

I would ask her what she is expecting? Does she think there is some man out there who will magically anticipate what she wants? I can tell you (and her) now that he does not exist - outside romance novels! Most of us (once married life is settled in) have to do with what we have. There is rarely perfect romance. There is rarely perfect sex either. What most of us get is hit and miss romance and okay/fairly good sex.

Your wife needs to take off whatever goggles she is wearing and realise that your marriage is real life. To the main part, this is as good as it gets. Appreciate it, do what you can to improve it - but stop looking to better it. Because most people in THAT situation will be looking for the rest of their lives...if not, forever...


Helen

[katrina123]

Helen i tried my best to mend the relationship. She said take it easy. I did that. She said i doubt you if you will take care of me. I told her i am all yours and if need be will give my life for you. She thinks i am bull*******. She wants to leave and leave making me feel all guilty. I see the world as empty as it will ever be. God help me. Hope she understands how much i love her........ give me the strength lord......

[katrina123]

Just a inch away from a divorce and have absolutely no idea why but i feel as if past is past and can clearly see a ray of hope in the future......