Trusting wife with her old fling.

[jonny]

My wife and I have been happily married for 8 years. Right before she met me (about 9 years ago) she had a brief sexual relationship with a professor from her college. He wanted more from her and began to contact her very, very frequently. She ultimately got uncomfortable with him and broke it off. When she completed school, and later met me, he continued to contact her very frequently, just basically keeping in touch. They essentially have remained friends, but I have always felt like he has a very, very deep love for her.

I never really minded that he would stay in touch, but then, last year, he offered to have her come do work for him in New Zealand (a free trip with a side work trip to Fiji). She accepted, and then I found out about it on her e-mail (yes, I was snooping). Basically, she told him she would go before she talked to me about it (she thought I'd be cool about it). I was really hurt, but she told me that she had never intended to go if I wasn't cool with it. We talked alot about what I think his motives are, and she basically said "you have to trust me." She saw it as a professional, yet fun, opportunity, I don't like that he offers her things, as I feel like he is already a freak for dating one of his own students.

Long story short, I slowly realized that I had to accept this trip, or risk making my wife feel like I do not trust her. However, I kept feeling worse emotionally about it. In the end, seeing that it was hurting our marriage, she cancelled the trip at the last minute. I don't know what she told him to cancel the trip, but it was cancelled nonetheless.

Now, after one year, the professor has re-entered the scene. He has begun contacting her again, with an occasional text message, e-mail and postcard. I now have starting snooping again and she realized that I was doing so. She got very upset and told me to stop it. I did.

Now, just two days after I apologized to her for being a jerk, she has told me that he's inviting her to go out of state to film a project of his. She invited me to come, but I cannot go. I know that I need to be cool, but I am filled with animosity about this guy and do not want him in our lives.

She is very stubborn about it and basically thinks that I'm crazy. However, It makes me not want to talk to her or be emotionally connected.

I am basically insecure, but I feel like he is attempting to court her in some wierd way. He has nothing to lose in all of this, and I have nothing to gain.

We have done couple's counseling and it helped, but I think I need some individual counseling to get around my trust issues. Basically, if I can't trust, then what good am I?

[London]

Basically, if I can't trust, then what good am I?

And that's the gist of it. You know, it's normal to feel some sort of "jealousy" and even to dislike and distrust the prof. But what matters is you trust your wife. If you don't then he'll have won and guess what - it'll make it all the easier for her to turn to him if/when you piss her off down the road. And he *will* take advantage of the situation at that point.

Individual counselling is a good idea. You should realise by now that if your W wanted to be with him she would have. What you need to be seen doing is being supportive of her, letting her know that it bothers you BUT that you are mature enough to handle it and above all, demonstrating that you TRUST HER. Snooping is not trusting - and believe me, if you carry on with that, it will start destroying your relationship with your W.

[Nick]

Jonny - Just having a browse, saw your dilemma, and must endorse London. I think it also fair to say that in almost every case where trust and insecurity pops up, you HAVE to try and see the bigger picture. Its damned hard sometimes, to see this. Give her space, leave it alone, be attractive, confident, supportive and (even if it kills you!) you couild even slightly encourage her to go, have fun, enjoy herself, knowing you are her husband, and you are pleased that she is enjoying her life and you must be happy that she's happy.

You then become attractive to her, instead of seemingly paranoid, which is very unattractive! (done it myself, its a path to nowhere)

She might be flattered by the attention this man gives her, there MIGHT be a little more to it, snooping MIGHT give you a clue, but shes never going to admit it to you, and she clearly (as London said) wants your relationship to work anyway, or things would be different long ago.

Try really hard to give her space, back off and be good fun and supportive. Whatever else you do is only making you less and less appealing!

Very hard, but true. Try it. You might be surprised...

Nick

[jonny]

Thanks for the advice fellas,

I agree with all your points and it reflects exactly what I need to do. I have given my wife more than enough bad responses regarding this fellow. Each time, it makes me seem very unattractive, untrusting and wierd (unlike my normal self too).
Recently, however, I have begun taking better care of myself, and focusing on my own life more than on my wife's privacy and her interests in doing her own thing. She sees that I am okay with what she is doing and this helps her to see my better self. As a matter of fact, I understand that this fellow she has been talking to is just lonely and she does like him. However, she loves me. I would hope that she would allow me the same latitude with an old friend. Even if she didn't, given this new experience, I'd understand how tough it can be!
In the end, he will be a small part of our lives. That's okay, as the more I show my true, trusting self, the more my wife shows her love for me.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. It is truly helpful.
Jonny

[Nick]

Jonny. my own crisis (another man full on love affair) makes me almost guarantee that, however hard it is, backing off is the right answer here, hope you are really truly implementing what you wrote.

At the moment, two years later, I still encourage her, (yes, literally) to keep in touch and have fun with OM, its unusual, it used to cause me a load of pain, but its really, genuinely working, I still have my marriage, wife and kids, and your situation is so less intense, I feel sure this guy is not a threat...at least at present, and anyway, we are never in control of someone else, maybe he will end up being a small part of HER life, not yours.

Back off, cruise, be attractive and I think you will win completely....

[Kimberley]

Dont know how on earth you put up with that Nick - I would go do lally

[helenrw200]

Kimberley, I totally agree with you on this, can't see the point of having 3 people in a marriage, I could never stand for that.

Helen

[jonny]

It is hard, but Nick is right.

Since originally writing, I have put my energy into working out. It removes my frustration about this man and allows me to direct my negativity into a positivity. My wife is increasingly more interested in me because I am focused on other things besides her private conversations with another man. She is thus able to trust me more too.

I increasingly do not care about this other man because I know that she loves me; I just need to keep being the person she married and not become an insecure jealous husband. She chose me over this fellow, and she does so everyday, so I just need to keep my head on straight. It honestly is about letting go and being your true self. If you try and control these types of situations, you cannot win.

Cheers,
J-

[Nick]

Kimberley, Helen, you're not wrong either, its just how we each decide to handle these things. I DID go doo-lally! totally, believe me, pretending to go to work, actually sitting in the park, crying, alll the horrible stuff, but in the end, people are only with people because they CHOOSE to be. Giving the usual "ultimatum" "It's him or me, you cant see them etc." (for me at least) meant that I either a) lose my partner whom I love more than the world, or b) I have a partner who IS with me, but would perhjaps like to be somewhere else, even sometimes? IS that good for me? - for her? Repeat, to stay married, I think, is to realise that you surely dont stay in a relationship unless each person WANTS to be in that relationship; so the key must be to work on being the one they want, not the one they "should" want?

You can take the chocs away, but if they still want them did you solve anything?

Ultimatums and dictates are easier in some ways, and not wrong, if you cant do this, then you have to draw a line. For Jonny, (and me, but mines far "worse" in the sense that they do see each other from time to time and they have sex) the main problem is if your partner is going behind your back, the deceipt is what hurts, far more than truth. So by accepting, and trying hard to see things from above, if your parnter has the confidence to tell you "I spoke to so & so today" and not feel opressed, and if you can say "Oh, how's he/she?" it makes it part of your lives and if Jonny can become the attractive proposition in the bigger picture, he'll keep her, he'll win...

And do you know what...If he loses, then it was not to be, was it?

All I can say is, my strategy IS working. I do keep a quiet eye on things, carefully, to try and ensure that I'm not being an idiot, but in Jonny's case, It really does sound as though she loves him, so being cool, being strong, and being attractive and supportive are all good stuff. Being obsessive and winging are not...

Good luck, keep us posted!!!

If my tactics turn sour, I will quickly tell you!!!

[Kimberley]

Hi Nick


I find it hard to understand but you have put in more detail and each to their own. My own situation is that the OW husband was aware and thought it was finished my husband's boss I blew the whistle of it very much hasnt finished at all and these are all the details etc etc. and he seemed like he either didnt want to know or impassive. Also he says if he keeps him at work he can keep an eye on the them if my husband leaves he cant.

I really could not be so cool but I know what you mean about dictating that dosent work either I have thrown my toys out of the pram and said do not see her no contact (hard when you work together) and you must leave your job all of it I have had to back down on because of the work situation. If you are happy with it fine - I know that Im not

Take Care

Kimberley X

[Nick]

Kimberley, I realise this post is for Jonny but just to say, I TOTALLY understand, and have found this all extremely tricky sometimes - heart tearing. BUt in the end, I have almost 100% found, that either the partner wants you, or doesnt. So you are NOT in control... THEY ARE. If they are with you for the wrong reasons, do you want that anyway? Maybe ou keep someone because of ulitimatums, but is that a good way to have a partner. NO.

Its horrible, all of it. And tough. Very tough, Jonny sounds as though his problem si nothing like as severe as yours, or mne. So I remain of the view that standing back and giving space is a no-loser. Winging, ulitmatums, control, are all not so good...