Go-between needed

[Emjay]

Does anyone know of a counselling/ intervention service that could approach and maybe counsell the OTHER WOMAN involved in my marriage difficulties?
I have read on other forums of how some' other women ' later regretted their part in the pain caused to the family she becomes secretly involved with- and how they have to find the courage to do the right thing.
My husband is currently in denial about his continuing affair- and my confronting him with the evidence will not help to heal our relationship.
Further Couple counselling for us won't work with her in the picture- but if our marriage ends because of the CONTINUING affair it will cause much more long term damage to family relationships.
She lives 400 miles away so the direct approach is not possible- and probably not a good idea anyway.
Advice please- this has been going on for about 18 months. I have had to hold back from stirring things until now due to other family matters- but I can't stand the strain much longer

[Liz]

Dear Emjay

I am not sure that I understand what you have in mind. Are you looking for someone who would contact the other woman and challenge her about the harm that she is doing and encourage her to break things off?

I haven't come across anything like that. The only times when this has happened has been when someone who knows the other woman has challenged her. That can sometimes be possible where both women have the same circle of friends or when a friend of the other woman has the sense to do it anyway.

One of the best way to affair proof a marriage is to try and keep the relationship as strong and open as possible so there is no desire or even thought to look elsewhere. It sounds as though you are trying to do that anyway.

You obviously don't want to share too many details and we respect that. But it sounds as if you are under huge pressure yourself. Please take some counselling or support through the doctor or friends for yourself.


Liz

[greeneyes]

I would say that very few woman "regret" the part they play in the break up of a marriage - if they had a concious they wouldnt do it in the first place?
If they regret it later, then its either because they have found out what a rat the man is/ or he has dumped them too.
The majority of woman I would imagine dont give a damn about what they have done, but sometimes they will have been told a load of lies by the man involved ( the usual "my wife doesnt understand me") and find out later which can lead to some form of guilt, and in rare cases they didnt know there was a marriage involved.....
However I have never heard of any kind of counselling or service for the "other" woman, counselling is something you have to agree to of your own free will.
It might be also worth remembering it takes 2 to tango...in your marriage the problem lies with your husband, if the "other woman" was removed, would he only go on to find someone else??

[blackbeard]

I have never heard of this type of counselling being offered, but what I will say is that if you have confronted him with your knowledge of the affair and he still denies it, coupled with the fact that it is continuing despite this and the 400 mile distance between him and OW then may advice would be to set some definitive deadline for it to end or end the relationship for your own benefit. You don't deserve to be treated in such a way, and as Greeneyes has said he is likely to move on to someone else after a period of time and you will face all of this over again. Don't do that to yourself.

[Emjay]

Thank you all for your replies.
My husband was first confronted over a year ago, denied it was an affair, but admitted a high level of contact on a plutonic basis. This process of course drew out our relationship problems- and started the sort of communication (and counsellingsessions)needed to improve things for us.
I married for better or worse, richer or poorer. Life throws some couples a rotten deal- and it sure did us. If I were able to relate the whole saga- I think you would see why the health of our relationship would be in poor shape.
The counselling was beneficial- but could go no further untill the external pressures (and one major one in particular, could be resolved) This resolution is now at last underway, and will conclude within the next few months.
Sadly the" affair" has continued. My husband's health, and particularly mental health has deteriorated. From the information gained from this site, I reckon he is showing alot of signs of guilt. The slightest suggestion that I suspect anything produces an angry , hurt response. He needs to be honest , and deal with this but can't. Confrontation by me will not help just now and will upset others too.
It is as if his affair is an addictive escape not just from dealing with our relationship- but all the other issues too. I suspect that the Other Woman knows very little of his real circumstances and would hope that if she did, she would realise that she is being used.
I am well aware that, if she was out of the picture, he might in the future find someone else. However, it would give counselling a proper chance now, and the chance to affair proof the relationship for the future. If all that failed, then the demise of the marriage at that point would be less destructive to all involved than it will be if it end because of THIS affair.
Liz, you almost hit the nail on the head. If this were happening within a group of friends -or even close to home, someone would have intervened already.
I know of her from many years past and that she was then, someone with strong moral convictions!! Now, though I don't know who or where her friends are. She needs to be made fully aware of the consequences of her involvement with my husband- but confrontation seems too severe.

Wars are either prevented or ended by discussion between the leaders of the countries involved. The unsung heros are the diplomats who manoever to set the scene and prepare the ground. What I need is a diplomat. Someone who values marriage- and can understand
why someone would want to do all she could to save hers.

[Helen]

Emjay,

Do you think it is an affair or is it more an emotional attachment? It sounds to me like your husband is confiding in this woman and, like you say, using her as a means to alleviate the stress in his life at the moment. Regardless of what it is, I can see why you would have an issue with it. Your husband should be confiding in you, not in some other woman. Does he have any male friends? I am curious because men can confide in other men without the whole trust thing coming up but to do so with another woman is deadly.

I am not sure I would question her morals. After all, she is only talking to your husband (according to him). There is nothing wrong with conversation per se if that is all it is. But there are certain things that should remain between husband and wife, as you know.

I am not sure what to suggest. You say you know of her - can't you talk to her? I am not talking confrontation, I am talking conversation. After all, technically she hasn't done anything wrong and may not be aware of the consequences of her 'involvement' with your husband. The other thing - if you remove this support structure from your husband's life, what will be put in its place to help him cope? If his mental health is deteriorating, the last thing you want to do is tear down all his support structures, especially as things between the two of you aren't rosy at the moment.


Helen

[Emjay]

There is certainly an emotional attatchment- He has gone to great lengths to keep the amount of contact with her secret,( which is why I am wary of confronting him with the fact that despite his efforts , the secret is blown). He has few close male friends-and is not a beer, footie and pub man! He has a number of good female friends- a couple of whom he has been in regular contact with throughout our married life. ie a phone call once or twice a month- They have rung him at home . I have no problem with this.
The person in question has until a couple of years ago only sent a Christmas card. He never rung her from home- or received calls from her at home. I was never in the habbit of analysing phone calls untill After I was allerted to something over a year ago. He was then
calling her everyday, at least morning , noon and night. Our daughter discovered that he had learned how to text! and found one of the messages- This upset her, and shocked me.
The challenge then led to the scenario I have already described. He insisted she was just a friend but agreed to limit contact with her. He also aquired another mobile phone- and kept this secret for a while. There was after this one BIG secret that I discovered by accident. I an not post about this- but suffice it to say it suggested strongly he was making long term plans to leave the family. After the upset to teenage children this caused, he seemed to pull back and has continued to act as if there is nothing going on. Unfortuneately,bits of information keep coming my way.

[greeneyes]

Emjay
My husband left me for a family friend, she was a very religious christian woman who regularly attended church with her children, she divorced her husband about a year before my husband left me for her.
She knew all the family well and we often exchanged gifts - we spent a lot of time supporting her through her divorce. When she finally divorced she changed and became what i believe desperate for a new mate..as she had 4 children, obviously my Husband (who I later found out) was weak stupid pathetic and a disgusting human being, so the combination was perfect for them both.
She showed no remorse whatsoever and now parades around as the victor amendant that both he and herself are victims, while myself and my family are the "bad" people. So dont put too much hope on this other womans morals
If your husband isnt going to let go, I am not sure he ever is. Have they had an intimate relationship? if this is purely based on text messages and phone calls, then you are right it is an addictive escape and you may stand a chance - but only if he is willing to stop contact with her.
Personally after a year of knowing this..and trying hard..do you think you can really achieve anything?
Perhaps you should turn the tables and give him an ultimatum, stop contact with her or you will end the marriage?
I know its hard, but what kind of life are you and your daughter having because of this selfish man?

[Emjay]

Home life is bearable because he's making the effort to make it seem ok!!( or just trying to lead a double life?) Its not ok for me because I know more. I can't give an ultimatum just now because the fall out could be too damaging at exam time for my daughter. She suffered this time last year because of what had happened, and was reassured after the counselling- and his assurances that nothing was going on, and that the limited contact he had with her was not innappropriate.!!

[Emjay]

I have given some thought to the hypocrisy issue that greeneyes raised in her reply. I wondered how long things were going on between her husband and the 'church going' woman before it was in the open. Did anyone at her church have any suspicions? when the news was out- how did others in the congregation respond? In a secular world, hypocrisy often brings religion into disrepute.
It is uncomfortable for me to think that the OW in my situation will very probably be escorting her elderly parents to an Easter service tomorrow.
I wonder if she is deceiving them as well as the rest of the congregation as regards her good character.

[Helen]

I wonder if she is deceiving them as well as the rest of the congregation as regards her good character.Emjay,

Can you say, in all fairness, that this woman doesn't have a good character? You know of her as a moral person. It doesn't sounds as though she is sleeping with your husband so what exactly has she done wrong? And does she know that the situation is making you unhappy? If not, how can you blame her or comment on her character? Surely it is your husband that you should be taking to task..?


Helen

[Hope]

Hi Emjay

I agree with Greeneyes in that few women "regret" the part they play in breaking up a marriage. This is usually because the spouse who is being unfaithful usually tells a very good story about being unhappy and as a result the O/W will usually see herself as the "good samaritan" who's saving this poor man from a life of misery if he remains in the marriage. In their eyes they're not doing anything wrong if they're making someone happy!

Soon after my ex left I phoned the o/w and spoke to her - when I asked her why she had an affair with my husband, knowing full well he was married and she replied "Well he was unhappy". So as you can see she justified having the affair and had no regrets and she didn't think she'd done anything wrong!

I also agree that if there is no intimacy between your H and this woman then you may stand a chance but it takes 2 to make things work and your H needs to start talking to you not confiding in the other woman.... this will only make you drift further apart all the time he continues to have contact with her.

[Emjay]

Hope: Your analysis of why the OW might see herself as a saint rather than a sinner could well be plausable in this case. She may be making him happy now,but, he is having cake and eating it. She will however have to make him very happy indeed to soothe the pending indigestion. The fall out, when all is out in the open will be painfull for him. What little our children know already has caused them considerable upset- (which is perhaps why he's trying to make it seem as if there is nothing going on). When the continued deception is fully revealed they are old enough to choose to have no further contact with their father. I have so far excused to them, some aspects of his behaviour on the grounds that he is currently under alot of stress.
Your observation that many OW simply fall for a good sob story is also likely to be relevant here. My H could bluff for Britain. This is why, if I were to try to tell her directly(as Helen suggests) about the pain she is supporting, she is not likely to listen.
She has had a diet of stories about the wicked witch of the west- so she is not likely to trust me as if I was her fairy godmother.
Helen: you wonder what she has done that shows her to be of bad character, I could say- but not on a public forum. If not of bad character- she is a bad judge of character. If she is feeling good about what she is doing then the air needs letting out of her tyres- but slowly- Iam not looking for a collision.
It is of course my husband who should let go- but I reckon the emotional dependance analysis is accurate. I don't think he would cope with cold turkey!.