do i have to accept this....

[jouk]

i have been reading alot of threads on this very topic,
so forgive me if i go over old ground.
basically i have been married 13 years 3 kids and although a rollercoaster i have thought our sex life was ok.
thursday i had my husbands phone and was looking for a video clip of the boys he took...well i found something else...a porn download of close up of man and wowan .
i confronted him and he says a friend downloaded for a laugh and he had forgotten about it.....but last year i found porn mags again he said a friend had given them to him, but this has happen on intervals through out the marriage say once a year or so.
so i looked on the temp internet files and found he had been looking at porn also pay per view 2 years back he had subscribed to porn.
after finding porn the first time i descided if he wasnt to look at it again i would spice things up, toys and being more adventerious in the bedroom.
he bought me under wear for valentines not smutty but nice and he had a go at me for not wearing it, which i have but i didnt realise he had bought it for him, i thought it was a gift for me.
i have asked him about the porn and he says its titliation.why do i have to put up with it because he will do it again even if its secretly...well not being found out.
why should i have to dress up and change things in the bedroom for him to stop....that makes it my fault surely that he is using porn.
will he change.
i dont think i can move on from this...he lies about it saying other people give it too him.
what about me when he cant be bothered to please me i do not go searching through porn.
any advice please.....each time i find it i get palpertaions, the shakes i feel sick

[hoxton]

Jouk,

I remember being in your shoes going back four years ago I used to get really upset at the thought of him watching porn he also denied it but the more I learnt how to use the comp the more I found and I was really hurt that he was getting his sexual pleasure else where and not with me, So I understand how hurtfull it can be.
I think you will find that a lot of men watch and look at porn ( it is easy to get hold of now with the internet )
I think my dissaproval made my H lie and hide it, But it certainly did not stop him.
In my case my H has gone on to sending and recieving sexual pics with someone and it had been going on for a year or so on and off, But it broke my heart and I can honestly say the thought of him watching porn still gets my back up from time to time but I would much rather him do that and know about it than to go behind my back, We watch some clips together it does not do nothing for me but it stops me from feeling he is waiting for me to go to sleep and doing behind my back, ( better the devil you know )

Dont get me wrong I still have days where I get really upset with the fact he is so highly sexed. It makes you feel inadequate as a woman Why am I not enough for him ? Why is it I have to be really kinky or swinging from the lamp shades ?

I knew he was highly sexed when I met him so i soppose I have to take it on the chin,

What I am trying to say is as much as your hurting now it could be worce he could be in contact with someone else like my H did or seeing a hooker,

I always said I would leave him instantly if he did the dirty on me, and I am still here.

He knows how much you dissaprove and that's why he will not tell you the truth,
some men can be ass***es ,
try telling him how you feel and how much it is upsetting you,

Good luck

Amanda

[jouk]

i have spoke at length with him but why do we have to accept that porn is better because it stops them from going for the real thing. i certainley dont have a low sex drive and when there hasbeen lack of sex i dont go looking and lusting after men pictures or internet.
so i just accept it do i?
i have spoke calmly after each time i have found it so do i just put up with it and if he isnt going to stop then surely i should end the marriage, why should i have to tolerate it because its a man thing or it stop him from cheating

[vtec180]

have him see a therapist as a simple porn fetish eventually leads to acting out the fantasy and sexual addiction which will eventually cost him his job, family and perhaps even in clude jail time. Sound hectic and yet could start with a simple thing like looking at a few pics!!!!!!

[London]

have him see a therapist as a simple porn fetish eventually leads to acting out the fantasy and sexual addiction which will eventually cost him his job, family and perhaps even in clude jail time. Sound hectic and yet could start with a simple thing like looking at a few pics!!!!!!

actually there was a MEGA thread dedicated to this topic ages ago - here's the link: http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?p=5786#post5786

[hoxton]

No we shouldnt have to except anything that we are not happy with.

Every couple is different and we are all here to share our excperiences and to let others know how we coped or got through difficult times in our marraige.

For my case my H lied because he knew how much I never liked what he was doing and No it does not stop them from cheating eitha if your man is gonna go astray then telling him to look at porn is not gonna stop that.

For me like you said it was eitha except it or leave him there is no point in just having a row every six months or when ever the next incedent ocures, Just to think every thing is ok, When you know it is gonna happen again.
You said surely you should end the marraige if he does not stop doing this ?
You also said you have spoken to him calmly after each time and yet still it is happening ?

So why are you still with him he is still doing this and you are showing very clearly how much this repulses you yet he has not stopped the lies about it but you are still there.

I thought about leaving my H over it, Like you said we had an active sex life it certainly was not boring not by most peoples standard and yet he still found the need to do this, As I said each case is different and for me I have tried to except it, That's not to say one day I might not wake up and say I have had enough of all this and leave him, I just take one day / week at a time for now.

My marraige and family mean everything to me and marraige is a two way street no one should put demands on their spouce or no one should do things they know are gonna hurt there spouce there should be a compromise, It isnt just about what we want what makes us happy it is also about them and just because we dont understand why they feel the need to do this does not change the fact they like doing it,

I hope your H does stop doing this.

Good luck.

[vtec180]

Hi there guys I have found some real eye openers and support on the following site and yes it is from a religous perspective but please be receptive to try and understand what you're hubbies are going through. I am a beginner on the road to recovery as I am a Sex addict. There said it I AM A SEX ADDICT! and have lost my job on one occasion and am busy losing my family! I am not proud of what I have done But will be open and honest to try to assist others from making the same mistakes. use this link www.blazinggrace.org/
it outlines men and womens perspectives as well as the christian way of healing and finding god's forgiveness.
GBU To all struggling with marital problems and my prayers are with you.
Once you know the destination, the hard road is easier to follow!

[jouk]

thanks for all your responses.

i dont think he is a sex addict...but then there is a fine line i suppose.
he hasnt to my knowledge ever had an affair but.....after reflecting over the past couple of days i think i am going to call it a day.
like you say marriage is a two way thing and if i have to put up with the porn and its down to me making extra effort to please him so he doesnt look at porn, then i think i am fighting a losing battle.
i suppose the reason i havent ended the marriage is the fact he did say he wouldnt use it and each time i have forgiven because i feel i shouldnt throw the towel in over this but i have 3 young boys and where he left his phone lying around and for me to find the clip of what i found it isnt about me and him anymore. i dont want my kids to wake up when i am out and catch their dad looking at porn.
i have to think of them now....the children are at risk of finind stuff as my eldest got a phone for his birthday and was going through his dads phone for numbers to put on his if he had gone into the video clips....gosh what i saw would have had an affect on him.

[hoxton]

Thanks Vtec180,
I will look up the site,

I wont hold my breath though My H does not think he has an unhealthy intresst in sex ?
and anything to do with god or the church he wont have anything to do with,

But I will try and get him to look at the site.
Thanks,

Jouk
I am sorry you feel that strongly about this that you are prepared to end your marraige,
I also have three young sons 11 10 and 2, I have often told my H to make sure that they can not find any of it on the computor and as for his phone well the kids dont go down his phone that is his..................... If they want a number they ask us for it and we will get it for them I would not be happy if my kids were playing around on my phone they always ask first.................

Good luck in what ever you choose to do.

[vtec180]

I think you are giving up to easily and need to read up some more before you make up you're mind. There is no fine line as the one leads to the other, visit the site I recommended and try to understand and support him to get through this as you have 3 kids and the damage you could do to them by not having their dad around could lead to the same thing in thier lives. but it is you're decision and my opinion you decide!!!!!!

[jouk]

i am not giving up easy its been me fighting this and not him, if he could carry on he would...where is his commitment and compromise.
as for the boys not having a dad around i have been there for them 100% and will continue.
he had a good 2 parent upbringing...and that lead him to this???? so i cant see having one parent would lead them to this either....so i either put up and shut up hoping my boys wont get into porn?? or not have to put up with it and my boys getting into porn.???....is that what will happen

[vtec180]

I do not have the answers to these questions! However take time to read on the site I referred you to and remember that there is only 1 true path to solving an addiction and that is to admit you are a addict. He has probably submersed himself in so much guilt and lies already that you might not know the true man you married. The addiction slowly but surely eats at you from the inside and causes you to push everything dear and close to you away as it starts to consume more of you're time and energy leaving less time for family and commitments and thus the cycle begins. I can't tell you what to do but can tell you to get as much info on evrything to help make an informed decision and not an emotional 1. Just my 2 cents worth but will pray for you're situation.

[Helen]

i am not giving up easy its been me fighting this and not him, if he could carry on he would...where is his commitment and compromise.
as for the boys not having a dad around i have been there for them 100% and will continue.
he had a good 2 parent upbringing...and that lead him to this???? so i cant see having one parent would lead them to this either....so i either put up and shut up hoping my boys wont get into porn?? or not have to put up with it and my boys getting into porn.???....is that what will happenJouk,

What I am going to say will sound controversial yet it isn't intended to so don't be offended. I think your husband is still committed to you. He is still with you, isn't he? He isn't having affairs or eyeing up other women on the street. Nor, I assume, is he visiting prostitutes. I would also imagine he has made many, many compromises over the years to make his relationship with you work. Question: must he compromise in every area? I ask because you are not talking compromise. You are talking 'do it my way or else' - in other words, ultimatums.

The main thing I would say about men and porn is that they do not view it in the same way as women do. That is to say, men genuinely do see it as titilation because they are visual creatures. Generally, men want a lot more sex than women and more often than not, they are interested in the raw, animal aspects of sex when they are not making love. They think about it a lot more than women do - more or less constantly. And most can't help it - it's all that testosterone. Single men actively look for ways to have no strings attached sex. If sex isn't available as often as they want it, they look for other ways to satisfy thier needs.

Your husband's use of porn isn't unusual and isn't about you being good enough, sexy enough, willing enough - whatever. It is something that a lot of men just do. I can see that your husband using porn really bothers you, which makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me? My ex used porn and it didn't bother me at all. Why? I have no idea. It just didn't. I never, ever thought that if he used porn our son would use porn too. The only way that might happen is if he watched porn with him (that never happened) or if he buys it for him (ditto). My experience is men do this alone or may share it with their spouses (if their spouses are receptive) but they never share it with their kids.

I see you feel so strongly about this that you are talking divorce. That is a shame because any future man you get together with is likely to have used porn at some point in his life too. Yes, you are right. If he could carry on doing this, he would. I would go further. Chances are he will. The question you need to ask yourself is, apart from his use of porn, what sort of man is he? Is he loyal, hard working, a good father, decent, faithful - all of the things most women want? If he is I am not going to suggest you overlook this, especially as it seems to bother you so much. What I will say is if you are too inflexible over this, chances are he will do it anyway but will become much better at covering his tracks - and will resent you for berating him and trying to stop him doing something that most (if not all) of his mates probably do.

I have yet to meet a man who doesn't like porn. It would bother me if a man used it all the time, to the point where it damaged our sex life. I would resent it if that man started comparing me to unrealistic body images in the pictures and videos. I do not resent it other than that because, generally, it is something a man does in private (hence you only found out when you went looking for it) and is separate from his relationship with me. If my man is highly sexed I would also rather he do that when he felt the need than have an affair or go to prostitutes.

Those are my thoughts. I am sure many would disagree.


Helen

[jouk]

i do agree with you somewhat, but i suppose from my own situation porn does make a big contrabution to the marriage as well as other areas, its isnt just the porn but numerous other things that have caused me to question the continuation of the marriage, maybe it isnt about the porn, but the selfishness in it as well as other things going on in the marriage my problem is a have a very good sex drive and on the occasions were he has been tired do to lifes pressures and i have still had a good sex drive then as i havent turned to porn as i think it would be demeening to him if i did, then why must i have to excuse him, whether its an addiction which i dont think it is if it hurts and upsets me and from the beginning i told him this then why would someone continue doing it, just like the comprimises i made things which he didnt like me doing then why would it be unreasonable for him to stop doing this if he knows it upsets me.
i have comprimised and given up a naval career friends and independance(my fault for having 3 children i suppose) whilst he does have a fantastic carrer and independance as he works away and has done for 14 years.
where is his comprimise and why like a said if this issue upsets me why do, by the sounds of alot of people should i have to live with this.
like you say he may continue and he will and if other men i meet most likely enjoy porn than surely there is a more subtle way instead of rubbing it your partners face

[hoxton]

Hi Helen,

I must say you have such a good way of putting thing I totaly agree with what you have said only I dont come across the same way,

Like I said I used to get really upset going back yrs ago but now we do it occasionaly together and I know he does it on his own, I have no proberlem with that like we both stated it could be worce he could be out seeing prostitutes or having affairs. Better the devil you know, Also the more I learned the more I have discovered that there are not many men that dont indulge in porn.

Marraige is a two way thing and if you really loved your H and wanted your marraige to work then you need to find some middle ground,
And I dont think my sons are gonna turn into perverts in actual fact I would be worried if when they grew up they showed no intrest what so ever,

We can only give our own views,
and once again Helen you always come across sensative but to the point.

Amanda

[jouk]

Hi there guys I have found some real eye openers and support on the following site and yes it is from a religous perspective but please be receptive to try and understand what you're hubbies are going through. I am a beginner on the road to recovery as I am a Sex addict. There said it I AM A SEX ADDICT! and have lost my job on one occasion and am busy losing my family! I am not proud of what I have done But will be open and honest to try to assist others from making the same mistakes. use this link www.blazinggrace.org/ (http://www.blazinggrace.org/)
it outlines men and womens perspectives as well as the christian way of healing and finding god's forgiveness.
GBU To all struggling with marital problems and my prayers are with you.
Once you know the destination, the hard road is easier to follow!
thank you for the link and reading it has given me the actual words i feel , adultery...not in his eyes but mine and no matter how people view it this is how i feel to get an erection and masterbate of an other person but you, when you are supposed to be married...this is how i feel....silly or not

[jouk]

Hi Helen,



Marraige is a two way thing and if you really loved your H and wanted your marraige to work then you need to find some middle ground,
And I dont think my sons are gonna turn into perverts in actual fact I would be worried if when they grew up they showed no intrest what so ever,

We can only give our own views,
and once again Helen you always come across sensative but to the point.

Amanda
i wasnt saying about my children growing into perverts just merely answering a post where someone said " if the kids had no dad around they would grow up that way" i was just answering in a two way thing dammend if i do dammned if i dont.

[Liz]

Dear Jouk

I wanted to acknowledge the strength of your feelings and say that I don't think that wives have to compromise and accept their men viewing pornography and deceiving them about it. Not every man is into pornography. Sadly quite a few are and many take a look at some point in their lives.

I think that many women feel abandoned and devalued by their husbands fascination for pornography. It strikes at our deep desire for relationship and it devalues our true beauty as women. It also can over time make it harder for men to make love with their wives, as they become used to seeking stimulation from different and even more bizarre pictures on the net or in magazines.

What I hear you saying is that your husband is not putting you first before his desire to indulge in pornography. I think if any compromise is needed in situations like yours it is the man (or woman) who is deeply hurting and offending their spouse for the sake of their own pleasure that needs to do the compromising.

I would be the last person to encourage you to head for a divorce, but there is no doubt that your husband needs to face up to the impact that his selfish behaviour is having on you and the children. If he is really addicted and wants to be free from the addiction then I am sure you would support him all the way.

I don’t know whether it is possible to sit down and tell him, or write down for him, how you feel about him viewing pornography and lying to you. Are you able to tell him how you have got to the point of considering separation or worse? It may be that he needs a wake up call before he will face up to the impact of his choices and behaviours.

If you haven’t already seen it there are some more resources here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/) on this subject.

All the best

Liz

[hoxton]

Jouk,
I never said that you said your sons will turn out as perverts ?

Maybe I never came across right I was saying I dont think my sons would be perverts if they looked at porn when they were older........

I understand that you feel really hurt and betrayed by what your H is doing and I also agree with the Why would you do something that you knew would hurt your spouce so much ?
But I hate to say it like Helen says all that testosterone, I know that sounds like a cop out but I can not think of any other reason why most men share this.........

You obviously can not get your head around this but before you leave your H you should ask yourself what are the chances of you finding a man who doesnt do this ? They will hear how much you dissaprove and then just lie to you and you will be back to square only with a different man............

Just a thought.

Amanda

[Helen]

But does he rub it in your face? You only found out about it by accident with the phone and the rest you found out by snooping around on the computer. Rubbing your face in it would be watching porn with you in the room or leaving porn magazines in your underwear drawer. He did neither. I would also say it isn't a big part of your life but you have given it that status because it bothers you so much. Why? You found out that he had been looking at porn and pay per view, and 2 years ago he subscribed to porn. I am not being funny but this doesn't sound excessive. Far from it. My ex used to order porn DVDs on a regular basis! (All from legal outlets). I cannot comment on these other things that lead you to question the future of the marriage as you have not shared these with us. My point is your husband's use of porn is only as big a deal as you chose to make it.

As for your compromises and sacrifices, you didn't have to marry him. You didn't have to have kids and you didn't have to give up your career either. You chose to marry him, give up your career and have kids because I assume that you loved him and wanted to have his children. He didn't make you do anything. Either way, I am sure you would not be without your children today but you cannot blame him for the fact that you made those sacrifices. At least 50% of the decision to do this was yours - if not more. Nor should you resent the fact that he has a good career. You should be proud of him.

In terms of your sex drive, as you say, there are times when you want sex and he is too tired (I am sure that he sometimes wants sex and you don't too). Okay, when you want sex and can't have it, you do not use porn but are you going to tell us that 1) you don't masturbate and 2) you don't fantasise about men other than your husband? I am not talking about serious fantasy. I am talking about a movie actor (or someone such) that you find attractive and might dream about making love to; the sort of thing where you know it will never happen but it is fun to think about nevertheless. What he is doing amounts to the same thing but men seem to need more visual aids whereas women tend to be able to achieve the same results using their imagination. This is why he can't give it up. It would be tantamount to him asking you to give up your own erotic fantasies when you masturbate. Incidentally, if you don't masturbate, you are a very unusual woman, especially as you say you have a high sex drive...

I am not sure what to say. Only you know whether the problems in your relationship are such that you should contemplate ending the marriage. You only mention the porn. If this is the worst problem (and people only generally talk about the worst problems here) then I am not sure you should be thinking of ending the marriage and depriving your kids of a hard working father. A way forward must be found that does not consist of ultimatums.


Helen

[jouk]

thank you all for your advice it has been read and absorbed more than you realise.
i just hate hearing the excuses why men do it, hide it lie about it etc.
i am avery vocal person...not in a forthright manner but i allways say what i feel i allways have done so i have spoke to him calmley about it everytime it rears its head, but i think he feels its a man thing but...when you start your life with a person and he says at the beginning during innocent conversations that when he was away from me all he had to do was close his eyes and think of me (during masterbation) and thats all he needs, and now through the years it has come to light that it isnt me he is doing( masterbating) too its images of other women, and this is the thing that has really got to me.
i am not nieve i was in the armed forces and actually married a marine so i do know about titilation and porn being shared on the mens rooms, but to be with me and say in the begining that all he needed was the thought of me or a vision of a fantasy we fullfilled, then it hasnt been the case at all. he isnt in the "all guys together club" anymore and hasnt for a long time,...oh i dont know it just hurts so dam much i i feel i am worth more.
ok men go away we dont know what they get up to and ten out of ten times they will flick and view porn, but to leave the stuff hidden but enough for me to find and to view it when i go out for a drink with the girls knowing when i get back he will get his "oats....lol.
lack of sex and being away for long periods...ok but in a relationship where he knows how it hurts me and for him to keep doing it.

[Helen]

... he says at the beginning during innocent conversations that when he was away from me all he had to do was close his eyes and think of me (during masterbation) and thats all he needs, and now through the years it has come to light that it isnt me he is doing( masterbating) too its images of other women, and this is the thing that has really got to me.
At the beginning of a relationship, things are exciting. This woman you are with excites you. She is new, fresh and you are still in the first bloom of romance. Chances are you have kissed but you may not have gone further yet. It's very easy to fuel fantasy on that basis and yes, you were more than enough for him then and for many years, I imagine.

14 years and 3 kids down the line, well, maybe things are a bit... routine now? I don't mean to offend but this goes back to your earlier post. You asked why you should spice things up in the bedroom? Because things get stale and routine and without additional effort in all areas (including outside the bedroom), your husband will look at porn to fuel his fantasies. Incidentally, he isn't thinking about other women when he masturbates, by the way. He is thinking about the sex acts.

Just a thought


Helen

[Helen]

Hi Helen,

I must say you have such a good way of putting thing I totaly agree with what you have said only I dont come across the same way,

Like I said I used to get really upset going back yrs ago but now we do it occasionaly together and I know he does it on his own, I have no proberlem with that like we both stated it could be worce he could be out seeing prostitutes or having affairs. Better the devil you know, Also the more I learned the more I have discovered that there are not many men that dont indulge in porn.

Marraige is a two way thing and if you really loved your H and wanted your marraige to work then you need to find some middle ground,
And I dont think my sons are gonna turn into perverts in actual fact I would be worried if when they grew up they showed no intrest what so ever,

We can only give our own views,
and once again Helen you always come across sensative but to the point.

AmandaAw thanks Amanda! Now I'm blushing! :)

[AlwaysGreen]

Jouk.
I think you might need to find the compromise in his actions. Yes, he likes looking at Porn, But let us think about what Porn offers society instead of the complete negativity. The fact that there is a "Means to an end" at their fingertips has I believe prevented alot of men from looking elsewhere for sex and also encouraged couples to view sex and enjoy a fuller sex life by teaching them exciting new things to do to keep their marriage / relationship alive. There is obvioulsy some hard graded porn on the internet. But for the most part porn on the internet is mild. ( I will stick my neck out here and say it is mostly "Boring")
I am in agreement with both Helen and Hoxton here. I believe most men look at porn, of the milder variety. I personally do not enjoy it, but I have no qualms about my husband looking at it every now and again. I do not feel threatened by it. I know my husband loves me, but I also know I cannot meet his absolute every need. Likewise he does not meet mine. Me I read romance novels and watch soppy movies. My husband, like most, won't go near a romance novel. He likes to look at pictures. Sometimes cars, houses, sometimes tools for his wonky diy and sometimes porn. I believe there is something genetic or something from whence time began in a mans "Make up". Men are ultimately designed to procreate and carry on their hereditory line. Very little of the word "Love" was in existence at the beginning of man. Woman didn't get a say in mens neanderathal behaviour. Men looked, Men Took.
We are so lucky today. We have come on leaps and bounds, though there are still some cultures where women are second class, subserviant and have no say in the mans lifestyle.
Japans leading comic books are sex based. called Manga. Designed for grown ups. Publicity of sex is a huge industry there.
Back to the compromise issue though. Unfortunately I don't want to say you might have to accept it, but I'm going to. What I will add though are "Ground rules" Maybe sit down, explain calmly to him how you feel, and suggest that he limit his viewing to something you could cope with. Suggest he does it when everyone is out. Clears his cookies and history and monitor the pc with a child protection suite so the children cannot access anything untoward. Maybe also suggest that for as much as he watches it then you get something for you. He might not find porn so appealing if everytime he logs on you come home in a new pair of boots.
You could also try suggesting that if he doesn't look at porn for a stipulated period, then you and he can have extra special playtime. (Try and wean him off it with a reward tactic)
Don't be hasty though in your decisions. My husband is far from perfect, but that doesn't mean I haven't got myself a good man. Think long and hard.

[vtec180]

Hey it's just a little porn and I'm no sex addict,
what's the big deal?

by Mike Genung

A little while ago I called an old friend to say hello, and the conversation turned to my involvement in helping the sexually broken. After I shared of my 20 year struggle with sex addiction, my friend said "well, I'm no sex addict, I'm just a casual porn user!"
Today there are many who call themselves "casual porn users", or C.P.U.'s as I call them. They indulge in porn occasionally, maybe just a few times a year so they don't see a problem with it. After all it's just pictures and no one else will see; how can anyone get hurt?

In Matthew 5:27 Jesus said:

"You have heard that it was said ‘You shall not commit adultery’ but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

From Jesus' piercing words we know that to lust after other women or men is to commit emotional and spiritual adultery. Having self sex while looking at pictures of naked women is taking this sin of adultery to the next level; it's adding sexual experience to lust, pouring gas on the fire.
What might your wife say if you approached her and said "honey, this year I'm going to commit adultery just three times. Once this month, again in July and one last time in December. But I won't touch anyone, I'm just going to masturbate to pictures of other naked women. But it's just me and pictures and I won't actually have sex with another person. Ok?"
Obviously your wife would be angry and deeply hurt. Why? Because she knows true love comes from the heart, and you're taking your love, which you've promised is hers alone, and giving it to another.
I know one wife who walked in on her husband while he was masturbating with with porn. Seeing her husband having sex with himself, with pornographic magazines spread out on the floor in front of him broke her heart. The trauma this couple went through was little different from what they would have experienced if he was caught with another woman.

Another wife of a man who struggles with sex addiction writes:
"My husband and I have been married for a little over one year. He had a problem with pornography and has now been clean for over two years. To this day I struggle with the pain of this, and I don't know how to recover. I ask God to take the pain away so that we might be intimate without me remembering what he has done. I have forgiven him but I hurt so much. I will never be that picture, and how do I know he doesn't expect me to? I am to be loved, and how am I to satisfy a husband who can be satisfied by a picture of some fantasy woman I will never be, a picture of someone who will never be his wife? Men should know that if they have a wife, or plan to get married someday that it really does hurt her. My husband has grieved with me over the pain I have. Believe it or not it affects our sex life, and I can't keep it from entering my head...every time."

One of the biggest lies Satan whispers is "a little lust won't hurt you; go ahead, its just you and pictures. No one will know." The truth is that "just a little porn" is playing a big part in taking out many marriages. At a 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, two thirds of the 350 divorce lawyers who attended said Internet porn contributed to more than half of the divorce cases they handled. They also said that “pornography had an almost non-existent role in divorce just seven or eight years ago.”

My friend, you may not be a sex addict, but if you're dabbling in porn you're committing adultery and hurting your wife. You're also hollowing out your soul and wasting your character. "Casual porn use" is little different from sexual addiction, and it may be worse. Those who struggle with sex addiction often hit a hard bottom fast, which forces them to get help quicker. I've seen Casual Porn Users who've taken their sin well into middle age. It doesn't need to be this way...

[AlwaysGreen]

Vtec,
Is that reference from the site blazinggrace, or your opinion.
Sorry you left me a bit confused

[vtec180]

it's a reference from the site but I thought it was applicable to the situation

[Helen]

I personally do not view looking at porn as the same as adultery. Adultery is the act of having sex with another person. Casual porn is looking. If anything, it is the sin of lust but modern society does demand, to some extent, a less literal way of viewing things. Sexual feelings and desires are normal. No way should anyone be made to feel like they are committing a sin because they have feelings of lust or find visual stimulation a turn on in this day and age. That is because today's society is very visual therefore it is hard, nigh impossible, to avoid. Even advertising has more than a hint of voyeurism. Yet is the TV less of a learning aid?

It is far better to promote fidelity, as far as I am concerned.That is the issue at stake here and I do not believe Jouk's husband has done anything wrong in this respect.


Helen

[hoxton]

Helen,
Out of interest I would like to know do you think my H was unfaithfull to me ?

He has not met her or had sex ( skin on skin ) with her,
BUT
The texts were sexual I have seen really explicit photos of her and some of him....
I found a video tape I could not see anything but heard a female voice he says it was on the speaker phone he had a second mobile that he kept just for her and they spoke often after work after darts, When I asked her she said by him talking and texting her was what was stopping him from leaving me because I dont understand him.........

But they have both told me they have not met it has just been phone stuff.

Now looking at porn is one thing but he was getting his sexual pleasures met with someone else and it was not me, Just because it was over the phone or net does not change the fact that I feel he has cheated and deceived me.

Just interested in what you would make of my situation........
Thanks

Amanda x

[Helen]

Amanda,

Although your husband hasn't slept with this woman, I would say yes, he has cheated on you. There is a difference between looking at porn (images and videos) of an anonymous woman and 1) sharing sex talk with someone you know; 2) sharing images with that person and 3) speaking to them. To me, the infidelity started when he actually spoke to her and put a name and face to her. It went further when he engaged in sex talk with her and exchanged sexual images of himself with her. Ultimately, it is one thing to look. Sex talk and images of your husband should have been reserved exclusively for you aone. This is why you are so upset.

I realise this is in contrast to what I said previously about infidelity and the actual act of sex but your husband didn't confine himself, like most men, to simply looking. Somehow or another, he made contact with this woman and their interactions got out of hand.


Helen

[hoxton]

Thanks Helen,

I am glad you think that because that was / is the biggest problem I have with him he thinks because he never met her and has not slept with her he has not been unfaithfull he excepts that he has hurt me and what he has done is wrong but does not class it as being unfaithfull,
And like you said the min that he put a face to her started speaking to her and having sexual flirting and more over the phone line or net or video phone he was being unfaithfull to me.
Well he has promised me it wont happen again so I owe it to all of us to try,

I wrote him a letter to tell him how I felt on monday He never said nothing so I asked him last night if he had read it and he said no. He then text to say he had read it but needs to read it again,
It was mainly about the fact that the one thing I have learnt is that if we dont communicate then we are in trouble, He does not want to talk about it he want to just sweep it under the carpet, like it never happened he just says we are fine,
He says that it wont happen again and his attitude is it is my problem and I need to get over it, I thought we were soppose to be doing this together.
I understand that by acting like everything is ok then things might get back to ( normal )
But I just feel by doing that is asking for trouble because he done all this while telling me he was happy and still says I was happy with you it was no big deal I blow it out of proportion,

But things are ok, so fingers crossed,

Thanks.

Amanda

[Helen]

Amanda,

I do wish you luck with this. One thing your husband needs to understand is although it was flirting, video and picture exchange and conversation, from there it is very easy to take the next step and actually sleep with someone. This isn't just your problem, it is his too because he needs to understand why it caused so much upset to you. He wandered pretty far down a very slippery road. At the end of the day, an anonymous woman is not a threat. A woman with a name, face and voice is.


Helen

[John_J]

Hello amanda.
I have read your thread. I am sorry you are feeling so not special by your husband. I feel the same by my wife. my wife also caught me talking to a woman. but i was not talking to her for sex. i got to a part in my relationship where my wife stopped wanting to talk to me and was always in the other room. our marriage has been up and down now for years. more down latly . so about 9 months ago i ended up talking to some people on the internet. i became friends with a woman who was very knd. she was like a shoulder to cry on. i didn't do it sneeky. i just was in the lounge and my wife was never with me cos she was always on the phone in the kitchen. she saw me one day emailing the woman and she went nuts. she left me for a while years ago to be with a nother man. then she came back to me. cos she came back to me i new she loved me. i thought she loved me. but thenshe acted like she didn't want to be near me.i don't know now. i know she was right to be mad with my talking to another woman but i didn't go mad at her when she left me. i was just broken.
have you asked you husband why he talking to another woman. have you both sat down and talked about your relationship. maybe he was feeling something was wrong. you say he didn't have sex. i am pleased for you. i know that he was talking to her has upset you though cos i know i have upset my wife. i didn't talk about sex with the other woman but i did talk about my problems and how i was unhappy. now i am doing that here. is it the same or different. again i am talking to women here. I have stopped with the emails. now that you know about your husband is he sorry and has he stopped. I am sure he loves you and didn't do it to hurt you. i never did it to hurt my wife. i did it to make me feel better. but now i won't do it again cos i know it will hurt her. but i am still unhappy though. i am doing everything she wants but she still mostly ignores me.
i hope you and your husband can work it out good.
John

[hoxton]

John,

In your case I would say what you are doing now is different because even though you may of only been talking about your problems with this woman it was just the two of you and your wife does not know that is all that happened she only has your word for that ? and because of what she did going back before she proberly thinks you will do the same.
Just try to reasure her and be patient.

When you are on here your wife would know that we are all here because we have had marraige problems have been hurt and are trying to make our relationships work or rebuild our lives. There is no threat with a group of different people all giving there views and oppinions on how to best try and help. It is not direct one on one contact.

With me Firstly my H was not just talking to her even though once all the sexualy explicit texts and video calls had calmed down it was mainly that. The thought of him having a friend in her and not me was hurtfull I have always tried to be open with my H ( I mean I can talk for britain ) I have always enjoyed his company made an extra effort to look nice for him always put time aside for just the two of us. I knew things were not right for a long time and I kept reaching out to him asking him to 1, Just be honest with me, 2, I told him many times that I never felt he loved me the same any more, 3, On many occasions just said what ever it is just end it and we will work hard and move forward, Not only did he not end it He had to wait untill I cought him with the phone with her number in it up untill then he had denied he even knowing her.
So there is a difference there,

I hope your right and that knowing how hurt I have been that he will not do this again,
But on Dec 5th I found the tape and that point I thought he had slept with someone in my bed he said it was a couple of the net and they were on speaker phone, I now beleive it was her but has he told me that NO he has not told me much in actual fact, But trust me I was ill I never slept I was a complete wreck and he never ended it then. I am always telling him how I feel he will not talk to me, Will not tell me why he did it ( says he does not know why )
I have my part to play in this because something must of been wrong to of made him do this for a year on and off but how can We move forward if I do not know what I did to contribute to him feeling that way.
What do you do when your partner just want to put it under the carpet and act like nothing has ever happened ?

Good luck, I hope your wife realizes that you love her and have been faithfull to her.

Amanda