lonely

[ricky]

hi
im new to this feel that anything can help how i feel
found out my wife was having an affiar about a month ago.i told her i forgive her she said she wanted to work it out a week later see said she wanted a devorice the next day i went and filed when she was served she was mad that she was just talking about it i withdrew the devorice we are in marrige counsling now have gone three times now i feel im under the gun she says that i am smuthering her that she need time and space it is very hard for me because she is the only freind i have i feel so alone cant eat sleep work or anything without thinking of our marrige what can i do

[jack]

hi ricky

It sounds as if you forgave her too quickly. My wife had an affair 15 years ago I forgave her almost instantly and carried on as if nothing had happened. I now wish I had spent much more time talking about it and trying to understand why she did it. There is no substitute but to sit down and talk and talk and talk. you need to understand why she has the affair. She needs to understand how you feel about it. I have had an affair too and there is no future for you unless she really is finished with it and wants your marriage to work. Keep in there. If you love her and want her to stay make sure she knows it.

good luck

Jack

[ricky]

thanks
she really wont say why i do belive see is haveing a midlive crisis we have been married for 17 years have a 11 year old daughter
she says she loves me but in love with me and that she will stay for our daughter and her belives of the bible i am really confussed at times and not sure what the futher will bring

[Helen]

Ricky,

When you told your wife you forgave her, how did she react? Was she angry, indifferent or did she show any signs of frustration? More importantly, did she ask for your forgiveness before you volunteered it?

It sounds to me as though your wife is very confused about a lot of things at the moment. She doesn't know what she wants or how she feels. Hence talking about divorce one minute and getting mad the next. There may also be an element of 'isn't he willing to fight for me?' going on too. You seem to take action pretty quickly, which is unusual. You forgave her instantly. When she said she wanted a divorce, you went out and filed immediately. Do you think this tendency to react immediately was a factor in her having an affair?

Now she says she feels smothered. Can you tell us a bit more about what is happening at home at the moment?


Helen

[ricky]

yes i belive she is very confusd she was talking devorice a week after i found out she was having an affier and she wanted to work it out we are goine to counlsing were i feel im under the gun her feelings there are of me being controlling in the past which senice our daughter was bron she has had all the control with family money and everything else she says she loves me but not in love and that things will get back to normal with time she is spending alot of time with freinds on the phone talkiing about a trip that they had planed senice aug she will be going at the end of may to italy for 16 days i ask her not to go but the counsler says she sould go and she always intented to i am planing a trip to vages when she is gone she wants me to go before or after she gets back i do think she is haveing a midlife crisis she is 41 we have been together for 20 years and married for 17 sometimes i feel like she is buying time till after her trip i dont know im very confused all the way around

[Helen]

yes i belive she is very confusd she was talking devorice a week after i found out she was having an affier and she wanted to work it out we are goine to counlsing were i feel im under the gun her feelings there are of me being controlling in the past which senice our daughter was bron she has had all the control with family money and everything else she says she loves me but not in love and that things will get back to normal with time she is spending alot of time with freinds on the phone talkiing about a trip that they had planed senice aug she will be going at the end of may to italy for 16 days i ask her not to go but the counsler says she sould go and she always intented to i am planing a trip to vages when she is gone she wants me to go before or after she gets back i do think she is haveing a midlife crisis she is 41 we have been together for 20 years and married for 17 sometimes i feel like she is buying time till after her trip i dont know im very confused all the way aroundHi Ricky,

Do you think, then, that you are acting hastily in certain areas because you feel she is 'buying time', to quote you? I almost get the impression that if there is a break up, you want to control it. If it happens and when it happens. The fact is, you filed for divorce so I do wonder why the fact that she is 'buying time' would matter to you? Do you know?

Your wife can talk about past controlling behaviour but if that is no longer an issue, it belongs in the past. The fact that you feel under attack (especially as you seem to be referring to behaviour that occurred in the past) tells me that there is some aspect of control that is still going on, and she is unhappy about it. Yes, she may well have control of the finances and everything else (what does that mean by the way?) but there are other ways to exert control, such as emotionally and sexually through the giving and taking away of affection and attention. In other words, manipulation. Only you and she know what is really going on but what I would say to you is try to see what emerges during your counselling sessions as opportunities to learn more about each other, rather than criticisms.

Re the Vegas trip - if you go away at the same time as her, who will take care of your daughter? Do you think she wants you to go before or after she goes because she wants your daughter to have some stability through having one of you there at all times?


Helen

[ricky]

HELEN
sometimes i feel that she is buying time because how i found out about the afiar she worte all about it in a jurnal and stated that she was going to leave when she got back from her trip i am worried that she still plans on doing that yes i would like to have some controal of what happens if we devorice she has taken 30,000 plus in cash from cards and cash from land sells i dont want to lose my daughter my house my car or my wife that i love her with all my hart every thing is in her name she has made all the desessions in all asspects of our live seince our daughter was born witch is not a problume for me but i would like to be involed in it right now i feel that she is controlen in the emotional asspect of attention and affction and is doing evrything to avoid me she wants to go to oklahoma that she just came from three weeks ago and a month before i think if i was to do something when she is gone i will feel beter and not lost without her my sisster will watch our daughter when we are gone i only plan on being gone for four days my wife will be gone for 16 days my wife has been on four or five trips without eather of us if we would go somewere our daughter would stay with her grandmother or my sister my daughter loves to spend time with my sister she goes to her house at least once a week i have read alot about midlife crisis and she fits it to the tee in all asspects i just want to feel loved again and have intamate feelings between both of us if i am controaling i dont mean to be i want her to be happy and satisfied and have everything she wants sorry cant spell very good i am not try to bad mouth my wife it may seem that way i can use all the advice you can give me and thank you very much for it im just trying to understand everything that is going on and im very confused
thanks rick

[Helen]

HELEN
sometimes i feel that she is buying time because how i found out about the afiar she worte all about it in a jurnal and stated that she was going to leave when she got back from her trip i am worried that she still plans on doing that yes i would like to have some controal of what happens if we devorice she has taken 30,000 plus in cash from cards and cash from land sells i dont want to lose my daughter my house my car or my wife that i love her with all my hart every thing is in her name she has made all the desessions in all asspects of our live seince our daughter was born witch is not a problume for me but i would like to be involed in it right now i feel that she is controlen in the emotional asspect of attention and affction and is doing evrything to avoid me she wants to go to oklahoma that she just came from three weeks ago and a month before i think if i was to do something when she is gone i will feel beter and not lost without her my sisster will watch our daughter when we are gone i only plan on being gone for four days my wife will be gone for 16 days my wife has been on four or five trips without eather of us if we would go somewere our daughter would stay with her grandmother or my sister my daughter loves to spend time with my sister she goes to her house at least once a week i have read alot about midlife crisis and she fits it to the tee in all asspects i just want to feel loved again and have intamate feelings between both of us if i am controaling i dont mean to be i want her to be happy and satisfied and have everything she wants sorry cant spell very good i am not try to bad mouth my wife it may seem that way i can use all the advice you can give me and thank you very much for it im just trying to understand everything that is going on and im very confused
thanks rickRick,

You mentioned that your wife had taken more than £30,000 from selling land and from cards. Are those cards and assets in joint names? If so, you need to get some legal advice, and quickly. You are entitled to 50% of the money from the sale of land. As for the cards, if she refuses to pay the money back, you will be liable for the debt.

It is entirely possible that your wife is having a mid-life crisis. That said, it isn't something that happens to everyone so she may be perfectly fine. Her 40th may have been the catalyst that drove her to do these things but that doesn't mean she is having a mid-life crisis. For women, the 40th birthday is the mid-point of their lives. We do tend to think about the future when this particular birthday is drawing close. It may have made her question your future together and it is possible that she decided that she wanted out for one reason or another. Or, as you say, she may be having a mid-life crisis.

Does she know you have seen her journal? If so, why don't you just ask her if she intends to leave? And have you asked her about the money?


Helen

[ricky]

helen

yes i told i seen the jurnals in fack our daughter seen them frist then i found them two weeks later see says she bought more land in oklahoma she has also got her nursing lic there
she is very undesided about a lot of things alot of times she tells me what i want to here to avoid any talk then cahanges her mind were does that leave me and what to beleive
thanks helen

[meto]

Hey Lonely,

You should like you are in a pickle!!! You need to step back and really look at the whole picture! Is your wife trying on working things out with you, or like you say telling you want you want to hear? What is your daughter feelings towards this? What do you really feel?

Working on a marriage is a 50/50 or more experience that both parties need to be involved in. I can understand that your wife might need a time out, but the marriage? Can it take a time out? She is going on with her life, but what about you? Your still sitting waiting for her to figure out what she is wanting out of life!

Many marriages have their ups and downs, many have troubles with children, affairs, money etc., But what is bothering you? That fact that your wife had an affair? That she told you she wasn't "In love with you". Your controling? WHAT!!!!

Maybe it is time you think about what you want out of this marriage? You love your wife and your child, but are you willing to be unhappy for the rest of your life and grow old, with who YOU!!!

Acting hastley about getting a divorce, well she is the one whom kept talking about it right? You thought that is what she wanted right? So why not give her want she wants.

Doesn't sound like she will or would stick aroung for your child, as she gets older and her friends or boy friends are more important you will end up sitting all lonely.

Monie and land that she has taken with out your constant is not what I would consider a good/bibical marriage. From the eyes of God or the courts I don't think they would look kindly on that matter. If she hasn't made provisions to give the money back, or land back I don't blame you for thinking she is going to take off.

Why does she need to go to Italy so bad? She have strong ties there? Why would you not be able to go with her? Isn't there a saying that the family comes first and then yourself or job? Is she acting in the best interest of all parties involved, you and your daughter.

If your daughter loves going to your sisters house, doesn't that send up a flag to her that she might not be there for your daughter when needed?

In my opinion you need to step back, take a long hard look at YOUR life and WHAT you want to do with YOUR life, marriage counseling or what ever else she might come up with, are you part of the final plan!!!!

Is you wait to long for her to make up her mind about the marriage it might be too late for you. You might start having regrets that you let your life waste away, no matter how many years in a marriage. It is never too late to start over in a better relationship and healthy one for all.

You can go through the motions, and you can't make some one fall in love with you.

Give yourself a time limit, the money the affair and other things that happen throught out the marriage will evently work out for good or worse.

You should like your a very carring person and need the intimanice, one on one relationship that goes along with a marriage. Things need to be agreed upon as a unit not a just one person.

Don't stay lonely too long. There is hope for you, you can find it.